


A Woman Like That

by wedolikeitrough



Category: Morrilla - Fandom, Once Upon a Time RPF
Genre: F/F, Morrilla, Serious Disease
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2018-11-02 05:40:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 115,230
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10938135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wedolikeitrough/pseuds/wedolikeitrough
Summary: Even though Jen was exactly where she wanted to be when it came to her career, something was missing in her life. Despite the wishes of her family that included settling down with a husband and children, all she ever wanted was to act and to become the best version of herself. Little did she know that her career would help her find something even better, something she never knew she needed. And that was now about to be taken away from her.





	1. August 2011

**Author's Note:**

> AN: English is not my mother tongue, so please bear with me. I’m fully aware of the fact that Morrilla is not real. This is fiction. The characters may be based on real people and the scenes may be inspired by real events, but by adding stuff from my own imagination it makes it fictional. I respect Lana’s marriage and I love Flana.
> 
> Special thanks to my beta Lisa (@evilsregina), you're the best!

Just like every morning, Jen woke up early enough to take a shower but too late for a proper breakfast. Even though she was not a fan of it, she put on some makeup to cover up the circles under her eyes that were caused by another restless night due to the migraines that had been haunting her since she was a teen. It was nothing new, she was used to it. What bothered her more was that she could not go for a run. Sunrise in Los Angeles was her favourite part of the day. It always calmed her down, especially with a stressful day ahead.

Luckily, the meeting she had to attend took place in a building not far away from her house in West Hollywood, so she managed to grab a cup of coffee before entering the room full of people she already knew mixed with those she had never seen before. It was the first time she would meet the whole cast of the show in which she would be playing Emma Swan, the lead role. It was a show about fairytale characters and as Jen was a huge fan of Disney she just had to say yes. Also, the fact that she had been offered a role was not something that happened very often. In her mind she had already been preparing herself for running from audition to audition after the contract with the other show she had been working on ended. But luckily this was not the case.  
There had already been tons of meetings and fittings, and by now she knew the script for the first two episodes by heart. Working on a show was much more fun when she was comfortable around the cast and crew, so she spent the last few days hoping that they would be as nice as the people she already met. First meetings were not something Jen particularly enjoyed, but it was not something she could have avoided either. Of course she was excited and little did she know that on this day she would meet the woman who would change her life forever.

»Hey Jen«, said Ginny and gave her a brief hug. They had already been introduced to each other to go over the script and practice a few scenes. Also, they had been working on projects together before this all started. Jen liked filming with Ginny. She was as professional as she was but always up for spontaneous trips to local fast food restaurants at midnight. They had lost touch though, so Jen was quite happy when she heard that Ginny had also been casted for this show.

»Hi, glad to see you! How are you?« Jen took a seat next to the woman who was going to play the best friend of Jen’s character. Well, they had already been told that their relationship was more of a mother-daughter kind of thing but anyway, Jen and Ginny got along very well so it would not be much of a problem.

»I’m good, how are you? I haven’t seen you since… I don’t even know how long it’s been! Okay so these are the people we’re going to spend a lot of time with.« said Ginny, inspecting the people sitting at the table as well as those who were still standing. 

Jen recognized the writers, Adam and Eddy, as well as some of the actors who also belonged to the cast. »If the show doesn’t get canceled after the first season. You never know.« Fairytales were not something that common. Maybe people would hate it. It was not as mainstream as sitcoms or hospital dramas. It could have gone either way.

»Think positive, the pilot sounds great!« Ginny was practically made for the role of Snow White. Not only because of her hair color.

»It does, but still, it’s very unique. We’ll see.« If the industry taught Jen one thing then it was that nothing was certain and nothing lasted. It was cruel and difficult at times, and she had questioned more than once if she could persist in this business. But when she was on set and in character, she knew that this was exactly what she wanted to do for a living.

A guy called Josh was seated next to Ginny. He introduced himself and told them that he would play Prince Charming. Jen could totally see that. Ginny seemed quite happy about her filming partner, too. If Jen did not know any better she would have said that Ginny was making sheep’s eyes at him.  
Everyone had now taken their seats but one was still empty. Adam stood up and started to talk about how happy he was with their casting choices and that he hoped they would have a good time bringing this show to life. At some point his writing partner Eddy, as well as one of the producers joined them to go over the filming schedule and to tell them the date of the premiere.

Suddenly someone knocked on the door and immediately opened it without waiting for an answer. »Sorry, I’m late!« A brunette woman with short, wavy dark-brown hair and a shy smirk on her face was making her way towards the empty seat across from Jen while apologizing profusely. No matter if it was planned or not that she apologized with a line from the actual show, it was pretty funny.

Some people started whispering and Jen felt sorry for the woman, so she tried to smile at her to make her feel better, but when her eyes met Jen’s her heart stopped for a second and she immediately felt the urge to look down. It was weird and she had no idea where that came from all of a sudden, but it was not unfamiliar to her.  
The woman was introduced to the group as the actress who played the Evil Queen, who casted a spell on the fairytale characters so they wouldn’t remember who they were. It was hard for Jen to imagine this tiny human as a Queen, also known as the meanest character on this show. At least for the first seasons. She seemed rather quirky with her ripped jeans and her oversized Mickey Mouse sweater. And she really must be a Disney fan, Jen figured. Even though she did not want to admit it, she found it adorable.

»Jennifer? Is that okay for you?«, Adam asked. Everyone was staring at her, even Disney-Sweater-Girl. Suddenly Jen felt like she was back in High School when the teachers called her name even though they knew she was not paying attention.

»Uhm, yes, yes it is.« She had no idea what they were talking about, so she opened up the folder lying in front of her and flipped through the pages.

»Page three«, whispered Ginny, »We’re talking about rehearsals next week.«

»Thanks, I’m a little bit tired.« That was the lamest excuse she could have come up with but Ginny bought it. »I can’t believe this woman is going to play the Evil Queen.« Jen pointed to Disney-Sweater-Girl. 

»Right?? I thought so at first, too. She seems so lovely«, Ginny said and smiled.

»Have you met her before?«

»No, but I saw her audition tape. She’s a hell of an actress!«

Disney-Sweater-Girl seemed to be very focused and listened to what one of the producers told her about extra rehearsals because she had to film a lot of scenes in the so-called green room. Her eyes started to shine when they asked her about ideas on how she wanted to play the difference between her character in the real world and the one in the fairytale world. She proudly told them that she had studied voice for ten years and wanted to use that as one of the treats to distinguish her characters from one another. The one thing Jen loved most about people was when they were passionate about something. When she could see the excitement in their eyes. The sparkle that was triggered when someone started talking about the thing they loved to do. 

 

At lunch break, Disney-Sweater-Girl came up to Jen who was standing in front of the lunch buffet silently debating whether to take a sandwich or go for veggies. 

»Hey, I’m Lana«, she said in the sweetest tone with the prettiest smile and Jen caught herself staring at Lana’s upper lip that was marked by a scar. At some point someone decided that scars were a beauty flaw, an imperfection, a scratch on a surface. But not on her. It somehow made her even more interesting and suddenly Jen wanted to know everything about her.

»I’m Jen«, she replied. It came out a little more insecure than she had planned.

»I figured. You play the saviour, right? That means you’re my enemy.« The way she said the word ‚enemy‘ made it sound more like a cute nickname or something. She ran her hand through her wavy hair as if life was a photoshoot.

»Yeah, I guess. But we’ll see who the real villain is.« Of course they would not write the Evil Queen as pure evil. That would be way too one-dimensional. Jen looked down because she could not stand eye contact with her.

»So how come you auditioned for the role?« Lana asked while taking a bite from a carrot. 

»I kinda liked that they wanted to reinvent all those stories and I loved the idea of a female hero who doesn’t need to be saved by a man. And I didn’t really audition.« Jen could have gone on and on about how she loved the script when she first saw it but she did not want to bother her. She had been told by several people that she was way too passionate about things and she did not want to give that away immediately. Jen wished Lana would leave. There was no chance in hell she could concentrate on acting when this woman was around. She made her feel all insecure and unworthy. It was a bad habit of Jen’s to always compare herself to other people, especially colleagues.

»I liked that too, it’s quite modern. I think I might have scared Adam and Eddy a bit with my audition«, Lana said and laughed a little.

»What scene did you have to play?« There was really nothing scary about her.

»Oh it was just one line, the ‚sorry I’m late’ part. A few days later my agent called and said that I got the job. What about you?« She took another bite from her carrot. 

»It was a bit stressful because I was working on another show at the time they sent me the script.« Jen was not even hungry anymore.

»How I Met Your Mother?«

»Yes. But they flipped the episodes so it worked with my schedule.« So she saw her on How I Met Your Mother. Jen could not help but smile uncontrollably and she immediately felt the heat building up in her cheeks. Well, almost everyone had seen this show, but Lana remembered her. On the other hand it could be because she had done a little research on her future colleagues. Something Jen wished she had done, too.

»That’s great! I bet they really wanted to have you.«

»Uhm… I don’t know, yeah, I guess.« It was like Jen’s brain had shut off halfway through this conversation. There had to be a way to turn it back on before she would embarrass herself even more. Lana must have thought Jen was stupid or something.

»I can see why they wanted you. For the role of the saviour, I mean.«

»You do?«

»Yes, because you already kinda look like one. I can’t wait to see you act«, Lana said casually while eating the rest of her carrot. Without waiting for an answer she was making her way towards the door with a pack of cigarettes in her hand. 

Jen could not wait to embarrass herself again in front of her when she had to act while Lana was watching. Or when she had to film scenes with her. This was not going to end well.

When they were back at the table discussing the rehearsals, Jen waited for the rush of excitement mixed with panic to cool down, but it did not. It came back every time she looked at Lana. And when she spoke, it intensified. She thought the times when she felt intimidated by other people and especially by girls would be over but apparently this was not the case.

 

******

 

It was the first day of filming. Jen had not seen Lana since the meeting back in LA but she learned from her mistakes and did a little research on who Disney-Sweater-Girl really was. Turned out she had starred in several minor TV shows that did not last longer than one season. Jen on the other hand had been playing a character for six years on a very successful show before starring in one of the most popular sitcoms on TV. There was absolutely no reason for her to feel intimidated by this woman. Still, she hoped for her not to be there yet. Of course they had to film a lot of scenes together, but she wanted to see her as little as possible between takes. 

Jen had rented a small apartment in Vancouver for the time they were working on the show. The weather conditions reminded her a lot of her childhood in Chicago but it was nothing like thealmost constantly sunny weather in Los Angeles. Filming scenes with Jared, who played her son, was funny and easy. They got along immediately and she found it remarkable how he could act despite his age. They were filming at the studios and there was no sign of Lana. 

When she arrived at Steveston, where most of the outside scenes were filmed, and went straight to the hair and makeup trailer, her hopes got crushed in a heartbeat. Someone was about to help Lana take off her wig she had to wear for playing the Evil Queen. It seemed like she had wrapped for today. Maybe they had changed plans and Jen would not have to film with her today. Maybe, if she had left her apartment a little later, she would not even have bumped into her. Jen swallowed hard when she saw that she still had her makeup on what made her look, like, really pretty.

»There she is«, Lana said pointing at the chair next to her. »Glad someone is joining me.«

The red lipstick made her teeth look even whiter. No one who smoked could have teeth this bright and shiny. »Hey, uhm, did they change the schedule or why are they taking off your wig?«

»No, I’ve already filmed with Ginny and Josh as the Evil Queen today. Now they’re transforming me into Regina.«

As soon as Jen sat down, the stylists started putting her extensions in place to make er hair look more full and wavy. Suddenly Her hair felt hundred pounds heavier. »So how was it?«, Jen said cooly to show Lana that she was indeed able to make conversation.

»It was a lot of fun. Although it was a bit weird to film in such a big green screen room. They constantly had to remind me that I’m not on a stage but in front of a camera.« She laughed a little before checking her phone. One of the makeup artists removed the fake eyelashes and put on some mascara instead.

Jen had little to no experience with filming in a green screen room either but she could imagine that it must be pretty tough. And she had to admit she was more than curious about Lana’s acting. »Have you met Jared?«

»Oh yes, he’s so lovely. And he’s already working so hard with school and filming and you know, being a child«, she said while texting someone. Probably her boyfriend or something. Yeah, she was definitely taken. But it did not matter anyways. 

Jen had to be reminded several times not to look at Lana but to hold still so the stylists could do their work. 

 

»You look like a burrito«, Lana said and laughed at Jen who was wrapped up in her jacket. The weather in Vancouver was like the opposite from what she was used to. It was mostly the wind, though.

»Stop laughing, I’m not used to the cold«, Jen replied smiling like an idiot. Lana’s costume for that day was a dress and Jen wondered why she did not even need a jacket.

»I’m from LA, too, but come on! It’s not that cold«, Lana said, and she really was not freezing at all.

»You are?«

»Well, not exactly. Technically I’m from Brooklyn but I’ve been living in LA for quite some time now.« Lana flipped through the pages of the script she brought to set. Maybe she was nervous, but she did not show.

»I knew it«, Jen murmured but Lana heard it.

»What?«

»That you’re from the East Coast.« Jen shifted from one foot to the other to keep herself warm.

»Why?«

»It’s just something about you… I don’t know«, Jen stumbled because she realised midways that this might have come off as an insult. She did not mean it like that at all. »When you enter a room people look at you. Like, not that you come off as attention seeking or something.« There was nothing Jen wanted more than to curl up and die right now. 

»It’s okay, I get it. Even if I live in LA for the rest of my life there will still be a little Brooklyn within me.« 

Lana smiled at her and Jen took it as a good sign. 

The first rehearsal of the scene they were about to film, in which Jen’s character brings home the son of Lana’s character, went even worse than she had expected. Ginny did not lie when she said that Lana was hell of an actress. As soon as she was in character and started talking as Regina, Jen forgot her lines because she got distracted by Lana’s change of tone and facial expression. And then again when Lana took a step forward and Jen could smell her Parfum. She immediately looked down to gather herself and had to be reminded that she was supposed to look Lana in the eyes. That was when she lost herself again because she realised that Lana’s eyes were dark brown, just like her hair, and she somehow found that fascinating. She knew this feeling too well from High School and it reminded her of that time when she had to give a presentation on Shakespeare and she messed up big time because of that girl sitting in the front row staring at Jen with her dimples and her ocean blue eyes. The teacher felt bad for Jen and gave her a C because he said at least she tried. To her, it was still a mystery how she could not manage to maintain self-confidence in some situations. It took Jen quite some time to overcome her fear of public speaking, and acting was a kind of public speaking as there were at least twenty people on set when a scene was being filmed, but now it seemed to happen all over again. Even more intense than back in school to be honest. 

Lana seemed to notice that Jen was uncomfortable and started shaking her arms. »Come on, it helps«, she said and started doing the same thing with her legs.

Jen joined in and started loosening her extremities as well. At first she felt like an idiot but Lana looked adorable rocking her head back and forth and she did not want to let her down. And it somehow broke the ice a bit. At least enough to wrap on the scene. But Jen’s heart would not calm down so she got used to the feeling in her chest. 

 

»It sucked«, Jen said when she met Ginny at the trailer who asked her how her first day of filming went.

»Why? What happened?« The stylists started to straighten Ginny’s short hair while Jen was collecting her street clothes.

»I was a so nervous that i completely messed up. Don’t wanna talk about it.« She had never messed up like this. Of course she had forgotten her lines from time to time, but at least she had remembered where her eyes were supposed to be.

»Oh okay, well it happens. It’s not that surprising I mean it was your first day. I’ve never seen you nervous on set before though.«

Ginny was not helping, like, at all. Jen did not know what was going on either. Maybe it was because Lana was in fact better at her job than Jen was. At least on that day. While she was taking off her tank top that was part of her costume, she felt a cold breeze on her naked skin that was caused by someone opening the trailer door.

»Does anyone want some string cheese?«

Jen would recognise this voice from miles away. What the hell was Lana doing in here, she had not wrapped for today. This woman could see her entire back and suddenly Jen regretted wearing this ugly bra. She grabbed her shirt and pulled it over as fast as she could. »No thanks I’m not hungry«, Jen said without turning around. She rather pretended to pack her bag because her face was already burning hot again. There had been enough embarrassing moments for today.

»Sorry I didn’t know-«

»It’s okay, we’re gonna see each other naked all the time right.« And she proved herself wrong again. »Because we share a costume trailer, I mean.«

»True«, Lana shrugged like this situation was not totally awkward. But maybe Jen overthought this because she was hyperaware of her actions today for some reason. 

»I’d like some«, Ginny said and started chatting with Lana about their scene and how excited they were to practice and then film it.

Without saying goodbye Jen sneaked out like she had committed a crime or something. She knewfor a fact that she would not be able to sleep tonight.


	2. September 2011

Jen did not even bother to unpack all of her stuff when she arrived at her house in LA. They had a few days off so she decided to fly home to grab some clean clothes and visit her dog that was thrilled to see her. It was weird to wake up in her own bed knowing that she did not have to be anywhere. Although that was not entirely true because she had a meeting with her management agency but it was scheduled around midday so she was able to spend the afternoon all by herself. That was when Jen felt the most comfortable. Curled up in a blanket at home with a good book and her dog by her side. Time to think, time to rest. Even though she enjoyed Vancouver, she missed Los Angeles.

Before she got ready to go for a morning run, something she had not done in quite a while, she received a text from Ginny asking if she was free in the evening and if she wanted to hang out with them. Jen hesitated before typing an answer. Who was »them« and what did they want to do? She found it weird to ask her because then she could not cancel anymore and yes, sometimes she backed out from stuff when it stressed her out too much. She knew that Ginny was in LA because they flew over together but she had no idea that others went home, too. Most of the cast members were living in LA so it could have been anyone Ginny meant by »them«. But even the slightest possibility of seeing Lana again made Jen reply with »I’m in«. It got her thinking though. She has had stressful weeks in the past and when she could have the chance of a free day at home she would never have decided to go out instead. Normally she used every opportunity to get some alone-time so she would be strong enough to handle weeks and weeks of working almost non-stop. But this time, curiosity trumped her desire for silence.

 

As Jen had no idea what they were up to, she decided to go with a light and airy dress and some of her favourite summer flats. It was never really freezing cold in California and that was what was so great about it. To her surprise it was Josh who rang the door to picked her up. Ginny and Lana were waiting in the car and Jen felt pure joy thinking about spending the evening with them. With her. 

Jen was sitting next to Lana in the backseat. She was wearing a dress as well, but a dress more form-fitting than Jen’s. It made her more nervous than she already was for some reason, but she did not show. 

»Where are we heading?«, Jen asked. Being spontaneous was not her strong suit. She much more preferred knowing where she was going or what was going to happen. But somehow it felt right that she had joined them.

»We thought we could go to a porch concert. It’s in the Hills and friends of mine and Ginny’s are playing there«, said Lana adjusting her dress, eyeing Jen who was looking out the front window.

»You two already knew each other?« Jen was sure Ginny had told her the opposite.

»No but turns out we have some common friends. Funny, isn’t it?«, said Ginny turning around so she could talk to Jen and Lana. »We probably already met but didn’t recognize each other.«

When they left town and drove all the way up the Hills just to find out that there was not one free parking space near the house so they had to do a little bit of walking, it was already quite dark but the house or the porch to be more specific was brightly illuminated due to lots of light chains and candles. There were also a lot of people there, more than Jen had expected and far more than Jen was comfortable with. Some of them were dancing and others were chatting and drinking. After they went to the backyard, Ginny and Lana greeted a few people with a hug and brought Jen and Josh a glass of wine. Jen held onto it as if her life depended on it.

A bearded guy who was about their age was making his way towards them, surprising Lana from behind. »Hey stranger.«

»Oh hey Frankie«, said Lana with a bright smile on her face and hugged him tightly. »Haven’t seen you in ages!«

»Well, you’re a busy lady«, he said and tweaked her cheek.

»Shut up«, said Lana jokingly and turned to her friends. »That’s Frankie. He was my first friend when I moved here. We used to hang out a lot.«

»Without me this girl would’ve starved to death.« He seemed to be serious. Also, he reminded Jen of someone.

»Yeah he kinda taught me how to cook«, Lana said looking up to him as he was way taller than her. Suddenly Jen’s stomach clenched a little as she was thinking about how Lana might have been with this guy at some point. She said they had been friends, but who knows. Jen took another sip of her wine.

»Remember when we used to place bets on who would achieve their dreams first? Guess I was right. I knew you would make it«, Frankie said genuinely proud of his friend.

Lana blushed. »It’s not safe yet, the show hasn’t even aired.« Jen found it cute how insecure she was, even though it was safe that the show would air in a few weeks. Also, Lana had already played a lot of roles. She was an actress indeed.

»But still! It’s ABC, man. You’re a fucking actress«, he said laying his arm around Lana and tugging her closer.

She smiled modestly. »What about you?«

»I’m a teacher now. The kids love me and I’m gonna be a Dad in… in about three months and two and a half weeks.« At first Jen was surprised, but she could see this guy as a teacher and as a dad as well.

»You’re kidding??«, Lana said staring at him.

»No, I swear«, he said and showed Lana the background of his phone, a photo of his pregnant wife.

»I’m so happy for you«, Lana answered and Jen paid close attention to her face to look for signs of jealousy that could not be found.

»I’m happy for you, too. So, who are your friends? Are they from the show, too?«, Frankie said and Jen wondered why he did not recognize Ginny as she was quite well-known.

»Yeah, that’s-«, Lana started.

»Wait, I know you!«, Frankie said and pointed to Jen. »You’re the girl from House, right? My wife was a huge fan of this show.«

»Yes I am«, Jen said proudly. Going to the audition for House had probably been the best idea she had ever had as it kind of started her career.

»Would it be weird if I asked you for an autograph? My wife would be so happy.«

»No, of course not.« Jen found it incredibly cute how this guy was brave enough to ask her just to make his wife happy. She knew from experience that most of the time people were way too shy to talk to her even though there was no reason for it. Without hesitation she signed a piece of paper Frankie had pulled out of his pocket.

»Thanks! Hey Lana, maybe you could introduce me to Harrison Ford next?« He joked and Lana laughed.

 

Before Jen knew what was happening Lana grabbed her hand and dragged her on the dance floor. Her first instinct was to turn on her heel but the tingling feeling that spread from her hand and conquered her entire body told her to do otherwise. She let it happen. Lana spun her around and then let go of her hand but still somehow managed to keep Jen close to her by maintaining eye contact. No, dancing, if it was not standard dancing, was not one of Jen’s talents, and Lana… well, she nailed it. But that was not the point. The point was that she made Jen forget that people were watching.

The music changed to a much more slower rhythm and Jen found herself craving Lana’s touch. She wanted Lana to take her hand again and to hold it for a little while. She wanted to put her arms around Lana’s waist and pull her closer so she could observe every detail of her well-shaped face. Suddenly Jen became aware of where she was and realised that she should not feel that way around her colleague or friend or whatever they were. More like she did not want to feel that way. So she took a step back. »We should go find Ginny and Josh«, Jen suggested.

 

»My feet are killing me«, Lana said while walking barefoot on the sidewalk of the hill. Her heels were dangling from her fingers. Josh had insisted on picking them up with the car so they did not need to walk all the way down. Ginny went with him so it was just Jen and Lana walking from the dim light of a lonely streetlamp to another until they reached one with a bench next to it. 

Before Lana sat down she grabbed the pole of the lamp with one hand and swung around it. »Did you know that i had some pole dance classes for an audition.« Her hair was fluttering in the balmy summer breeze.

»N-No, what was it for?« Jen really tried not to stare but failed miserably. 

»It was for a movie about a dancer in the sixties. I didn’t get the part but at least now I know what I can do if being an actress isn’t an option anymore.« Lana grinned, but something about that was sad.

»Why do you think that?« It got to her that Lana was thinking she was not good enough for being an actress, because she clearly was.

»I’ve never been part of a show that lasted longer than one season. Or at least not as a main character. I highly doubt that it will be different this time.«

»It will be. Like, I’m not sure either, but pretty sure.« Even if they cancelled the show after the first season it would not be Lana’s fault and it would still be good for her reputation.

»Hope you’re right.«

»Look at this view«, Jen said trying to lighten the mood while looking over Los Angeles’ skyline. The Hollywood Hills were the perfect observation point. She had been living here for so many years but never really took the time to appreciate the beauty of this city. It reminded her how much she loved it here.

»Breathtaking, isn’t it?«, Lana said and sat next to Jen. »I’m so glad I get to live here. We should never take it for granted.«

»Me too«, Jen said. This time she succeeded and did not stare at her.

»What are you thinking?«

Lana must have noticed the look on Jen’s face she got when she was drifting away. »Nothing just… that this city is my favourite place. This, right here, is my favourite place.« 

 

Later the four of them decided to go to a place called Denny’s Diner to grab some food as it was the only place near Downtown that was open past midnight. Ginny and Lana seemed to be a bit tipsy as they were being ridiculously funny so that Jen’s stomach already hurt from laughing. And Josh couldn’t stop placing his hand on Ginny’s back whenever he got the chance. She seemed to enjoy it.

Jen almost forgot her Club Sandwich in front of her as she was smiling uncontrollably while watching Lana taking a bite from her oversized burger that was bigger than her face. Half of the toppings landed on the plate and she laughed at herself while wiping her mouth with a napkin. This woman was clearly a giant, lovable dork with a rather eccentric personality that wouldn’t harm anyone. No need to be afraid. No need to feel intimidated. But still, Jen was everything but relaxed in her presence.

Josh was such a gentleman that he let Ginny drink half his milkshake even though she had insisted not to order one for herself. They were obviously flirting. Jen eyed Lana nervously as she did not know what to do but Lana just stared at her plate, smiled, and bit her lip.

»Want some fries? I’m full«, Jen asked pointing at her plate in an unsuccessful attempt to make this situation less awkward.

»Yes if you don’t mind«, Lana answered in an high-pitched voice and sat up.

»No, I don’t. If I eat one more my stomach’s gonna explode.« Even if this were not true, she still would have given Lana her fries.

»Okay.« Lana reached for the fries and slightly touched Jen’s arm in the movement. Enough for Jen to make her mind go crazy. 

»I would die for Burger and Fries«, Lana confessed. For Jen it was hard to imagine how Lana could maintain her good body when her favourite food was burger. There was this sudden burst of confidence that overcame her, which was good, because without it she would never have been brave enough to say what she wanted to say in that moment. »You should, uh, come over some time.« And by some time Jen meant in the next 24 hours or so. Like, super soon. There was no way in hell she would wait until they were filming again and then see Lana for maybe two seconds when they would be walking past each other.

»I’d love to. Are you free tomorrow?«, Lana asked looking right at her.

»Uh yes I am«, Jen awkwardly trying to find something else to stare at.

 

******

 

It was not like Jen had been preparing herself for Lana’s visit for the last eight hours, except that it was. She was beyond nervous to have her over at her place in LA. When Lana arrived Jen could not help but smile uncontrollably. She enjoyed being with her so much although it was stressful as well but it was a good kind of stress. Lana followed her into the living room.

»Do you play the piano?«, Lana asked while sweeping over the surface of Jen’s piano. She looked graceful in every movement.

»I did as a kid. Now I just pretend like i can still play.« She left out the part where she was spending hours playing to take her mind off of things that were bothering her.

Lana tilted her head bit. »Play for me.«

»No way. I only play when no one is listening.« That was something Jen had always stick to. She was confident with the things she was good at, but playing the piano was not one of them. It was really only just for fun, just for herself.

»Please. I’d love to hear you play«, Lana said in an innocent tone.

Something inside her could not say no to her. The last time she played for anyone other than herself was at her Dad’s birthday twenty-five years ago. Jen sat down on the piano bench and opened the lid. When Lana sat down next to her Jen breathed in and stopped life for a moment to enjoy the scent of her light perfume. She tried to categorise what it smelled like but it was too unique to be compared. Despite knowing that it would throw her for a loop Jen glanced at her perceiving the long lashes, her cute nose, and those full lips that were forming a smile. 

»W-What’s your favourite song?«, Jen asked after finding the courage to speak again, which wasn’t that easy as her mouth had dried up completely.

»Hmm… I guess it’s Heroes by David Bowie«, Lana answered pushing her hair behind her ear and even though Jen was not looking she knew Lana was watching her.

»Okay, let’s see.« It was not necessarily a piano song, but every song could be turned into a piano cover. Jen tried a few notes and pushed a few ivories before playing the not so perfect version of Lana’s favourite song. She had to blank out the fact that this woman was sitting right next to her though so she could concentrate. Whenever she misplayed a note Lana giggled and their arms touched in the movement so it was as sure as hell that Jen would misplay the following note too. But it did not matter. Nothing mattered except for the moment they shared.

»When I was little every time I visited my granny in the nursing home she taught me a new song to play. Can’t remember a lot of them but I loved spending time with her. She never talked much but she could play like a musician«, said Jen as she closed the piano lid.

»Is she dead?«, Lana asked cautiously.

»Yes, she died when I was eighteen.«

»I’m sorry, Jen.«

»Don’t be, she suffered enough.« Jen paused for a moment. »She also taught me to play by ear. She would hum a melody and I tried to play along.«

»I know what it feels like to lose somebody you love. My father died when I was sixteen.«

»Oh god I didn’t know-« The look in Lana’s eyes pulled at Jen’s heart with a tiny spasm. Horrible stuff like this should not happen to good people like her.

»It’s okay I mean it was a long time ago and you know, I think he never really left me. He watches over me.«

»Of course he does, and I bet he’s incredibly proud of you.« Who would not be proud of her.

Lana smiled softly without breaking eye contact. Jen noticed Lana’s hand lying on the piano, ready to be touched by her’s. 

She could not and suddenly she felt the need to get out of this situation, so she stood up and walked towards the kitchen. »You hungry?«, she asked and Lana nodded.

 

Hanging out with Lana felt different but in a good way. Jen did not have much friends growing up. She had always been kind of an outsider with little to no social skills and people found her weird. To be honest, social situations still were not her strong suit but she got a lot better at this. Probably because it could not have gotten worse. Also, she never had a person to completely open up to. When she was with friends it was almost like she could see in their eyes that they would rather be somewhere else. Even with her ex boyfriends it felt like she was not enough and they were just waiting for someone better and more excitingto come around. But Lana somehow actually _wanted_ to be with her. There was no need for Jen to fill the silence because it was okay, Lana filled it with looks and smiles. Not in an awkward way, more like in a I’m-here-because-you-are-too kind of way. Jen was convinced it was just wishful thinking but her gut feeling told her otherwise. Especially when they were watching a movie and Lana put her head on Jen’s shoulder like it was the most natural thing to do. Jen stiffened and did not dare to move an inch. She did not even dare to breathe. The only thing she managed to do was to pray to the gods that Lana could not hear her heart pounding like crazy. No one had told her that hair could smell that good.

»Imagine if they made Ariel a character in the show«, said Lana. They had decided to watch »The Little Mermaid« because Lana wanted Jen to choose a Disney movie and this was her favourite when she was little.

»Uh actually I overheard Adam and Eddy talking about it«, Jen stumbled. She sat on her own sofa like that one time when she had been called into the principals office for helping her friend ditching school.

»Really? That’d be cool. I hope we get an Ursula too, she’s my favourite Disney character.« Well, that was unusual.

»For me it’s Alice and Cinderella. They, uh, kinda remind me of myself.«

»You really do look a little like Cinderella. So pretty«, said Lana and her voice got a little squeaky when she said the word »pretty«.

Jen swallowed. This was all too much for her and she never experienced something like that. Never. »Well, no, not because of… I don’t think that I’m… well, I just could identify with her being kinda unwanted and stuff, I don’t know.«

»You’re not unwanted«, Lana sat up and looked at Jen with concern.

»I didn’t mean it like that, like, it was just how I felt as a kid and growing up«, Jen tried to bluff it out. If there was something she hated more than social situations then it was when she was forced to talk about herself and her feelings. Letting people in would only make her vulnerable. 

»Because of your parents?«

»No, I didn’t have that many friends, that’s it.« The only thing Jen wanted right now was to shut down this conversation that was making her more than uncomfortable. She did not want Lana to pity her or something so she pretended to focus on the screen.

Lana cozied up and put her head back on Jen’s shoulder. »I’m glad you’re here«, she said, and once again Jen’s heart skipped a beat.

They sat there, watching the movie and enjoying each other’s company. If Jen had not seen »The Little Mermaid« before she would have no idea what was going on. The whole time she was wondering if Lana treated every friend of her’s like that or if Jen was someone special. She was also trying her best not to move and accidentally touch the woman next to her. Lana left when the movie was over. Jen hoped she would hug her goodbye but instead she just gently squeezed her upper arm and smiled at her. 


	3. October 2011

For Jen it was the last day of her little break from work because she had to be on set again in two days. She stayed in Los Angeles for one more night though, because the team was hosting a viewing party for the airing of the pilot. Although Jen did not really enjoy watching herself on screen, and especially not when other people would be there too commenting on what they saw, she was curious as it was the first episode ever and if it was a success the show might continue after the first season, and she really needed it to continue. For various reasons.

When Jen entered the room that was apparently decorated in style of Once Upon a Time, almost as if they were on set, the waitress greeted her with a glass of champagne. She thanked her and looked around for familiar faces. Ginny, who was standing in front of the buffet with a plate in her hands, beckoned her over.

»Glad you could make it, I thought you’d already be in Van?«, she asked and gave Jen a plate, too. 

She was starving, but she was unable to eat when she was nervous. The buffet looked good though, so Jen decided to give it a try. »I thought so too but I didn’t wanna miss the party.«

»Grab some food it, tastes amazing.«

Jen went for some honey salmon which did not taste that bad in combination with the champagne.

»You’re right, it’s delicious.« Her stomach growled when it received the first food of the day.

»I haven’t eaten all day because I’m so nervous. I’ve only seen bits and pieces of tonight’s episode, no idea how the whole thing turned out.« 

Jen knew exactly how Ginny was feeling. »Me too. I’ve only seen like four or five uncut scenes and they were already painful enough to watch.« Maybe it was because she knew the backstory and how uncomfortable she felt shooting those first scenes. Jen could see the nervousness and tension in her own eyes in every freaking shot. 

»Why? Didn’t you like them?«

»I did but I really can’t stand watching myself, I’m super self-critical. There are a hundreds of things I could’ve done better and that’s why I usually wouldn’t wanna watch. But then again I have to watch because I want to know what I can do better next time. You feel me?« Ginny would never judge, so Jen was comfortable with giving that little quirk of her’s away.

Ginny laughed a little. »I think that’s a very common problem. Josh talked to me about this the other day.«

Jen had to look twice but she was sure that Ginny blushed when she said Josh’s name out loud. »You guys hang out a lot, don’t you?«

»Well, we have to… practice«, Ginny answered and innocently took another bite of her bruschetta to hide a mischievous grin.

»Right, practice, I see.« Jen smirked. It happened from time to time that co-stars fell in love as they saw each other all the time on set and had to spend a lot of time together.

»I like him, he’s a good guy«, Ginny said dreamy-eyed.

»What was it like? Kissing him, I mean. I guess it’s weird kissing someone on set in character when you have feelings for him in real life.« Sometimes Jen surprised herself when she was that chatty as soon as the conversation was not all about her.

»Let’s just say we were… already quite familiar with kissing each other when we had to do it on set. So it wasn’t that awkward.«

»Oh my god, dude! I can’t believe this.« They would actually be Snow White and Prince Charming in real life. As cute as it was, it could also backfire when they split up and still had to work together.

»Shh, keep it down.« Ginny’s ears were redder than Jen’s dress. »And please don’t tell anyone. It’s not official yet.«

»Of course I won’t, I’m not Snow White«, Jen joked.

Ginny rolled her eyes and grinned. »Also, film kisses are so technical, nothing romantic about it. You should know best right, you dated that guy from House. Wasn’t he your love interest on the show too?«

Jen took a sip from her glass of champagne and tried to come up with a reasonable explanation on why she got engaged with this guy even though she was not really in love with him; despite her trying really hard. There was none. It bothered her enough that this dating thing went public back then, but it had not really been something they could have avoided as the town was full of paparazzi. She much more preferred to keep her love life private and only share it with her friends and family. Jen considered Ginny a friend, though. »Yeah, you don’t really have time to think about what you’re doing because you have to focus on so much stuff like if you’re in the right angle so it works with the lights and so on.« 

»Hope you guys left me some food, I’m starving!«, Lana said, who apparently appeared out of nowhere. Jen payed close attention when she arrived and she was sure Lana had not been there yet. While Lana was looking past Jen to check out the buffet she gently placed a hand on Jen’s back.

»Y- You should taste the salmon«, Jen stumbled because no, she was not prepared for that slight but pleasant touch. Lana’s hand felt so warm against her skin.

»Mhm, that’s so good. Food is the best part of events like this, am I right?«

The spot where Lana touched her immediately turned cold when she pulled her hand away to eat the food. Jen did not know where to look and she was scared that people might notice her awkwardness, so she just held on to her glass of champagne and drank it in small sips. 

»Ladies, you look gorgeous«, Josh said after he walked over to them and put his arm around Ginny. 

»Hey«, Ginny replied with a smile. 

A little later Mark, one of the producers, entered the little stage where the band was playing and coughed slightly into the microphone. »Hello everyone, I’m glad so many of you could make it today to enjoy the very first episode of the show we’ve all been working so hard on. Thanks to our amazing writers«, everyone turned to Adam and Eddy and some people starting clapping, »to everyone who worked backstage like music and costumes and makeup, and thanks to our great actors«, Jen was glad that she was standing in a group so people were not staring only at her, »the pilot of our show can air in about an hour. Until then I hope you enjoy the live music and the food.«

The singer of the band then told everyone to grab a partner because they were about to play a modified version of the Once Upon A Time soundtrack. When Josh asked Ginny to dance Jen felt oddly confident to ask Lana. Maybe it was because she was a bit tipsy and she saw Meghan, who played Red Riding Hood on the show, jokingly dancing with another woman, too. Why not though, not everyone came with a plus one.

Lana agreed without hesitation and let Jen take the lead by putting her hand on Jen’s shoulder. 

»Do you know the steps?«, Lana asked, her voice a little higher than Jen was used to. 

»I hope so. I had dance lessons when I was a teenager«, Jen said placing her hand on Lana’s back. She underestimated what it would do to her to feel Lana’s hand in her own again. And she most certainly had not thought about how close Lana would be. Jen stared at her a little too long, noticing her dark brown eyes and her diffident smile, before her feet started to move again. Almost on their own. It probably was true that once you have learned dancing you will never really forget the steps.

»I’m so bad at this«, Lana giggled, clenching Jen’s shoulder. »I hope I won’t ever have to do it on the show.«

»No, you’re not that bad«, Jen said even though Lana was totally lacking skills when it came to standard dance and Jen was a little surprised about that as she was dancing so well when they were at the porch concert. Maybe waltz just was not her thing. Still, she gave up the control and let Jen guide her over the dance floor.

»I am. But I’m clearly better than Ginny. Look at her.« Josh was technically carrying Ginny after she had stepped on his foot three times. They seemed to have a good time, though.

»Oh, yes you are!«, Jen said focusing on maintaining the safety gap between them and not touching Lana more than necessary.

»Otherwise we’d have a problem because you couldn’t possible carry me over the dance floor«, Lana said and leaned back a little knowing that Jen would hold her in place.

»Don’t underestimate me«, Jen dared her. Lana was rather skinny, so it would be no problem for Jen to lift her up. Of course she would never do that as it would look weird to others. Even if it was just for fun.

»You have no idea what I’m capable of«, Lana said mockingly as this was one of their first lines from the show. Also this was the part they had to shoot a dozen times because Jen failed take after take.

»This line will forever be stuck in your head, won’t it?«, Jen asked a little bit guilty.

»Probably.«

»My fault, sorry.« Jen hoped Lana would not noticed her cold and clammy hands.

»You don’t have to apologise, that’s perfectly normal; it was our first day. Also, that day was a lot of fun and so exciting. I’ll probably never forget it.« 

Jen started wondering if it was just her or if Lana really looked at her the way Ginny looked when she was talking about Josh. She immediately abandoned that thought again. »Me neither. I was so nervous about filming with all of you, I don’t know why.« And by all of you she meant Lana, obviously.

»I can imagine you felt pressured because your character was the main protagonist and you’re the lead.«

Lana was so caring and it was weird because Jen had never had a friend like her. »Yeah maybe.«

»Or was it my irresistible charm that put you off your stride«, Lana quipped while looking squarely into Jen’s eyes and biting her lips that formed a smile. 

Jen fake laughed and figured that she had to escape this situation immediately. It had gotten to a point that made Jen more than nervous, almost anxious. »That must’ve been it. I have to, uhm, go to the bathroom. See you later«, she said and let go of Lana. 

Totally traumatised and without waiting for a reaction Jen rushed out of the room and headed straight to the bathroom. This was more than she could have handled and she had to stop this right there. She was not enough at social situations to be playful and witty like Lana. Knowing that she had to go back, she washed her sweaty hands with cool water and hoped for the best.

 

When she came back the hall was filled with chairs and they had put on a projector so they could watch the episode on a huge screen that used to be a dividing wall. Of course Lana had saved Jen a seat next to her in the front row. She was sitting there with Ginny and Josh waiting for the episode to start. Jen walked over to them and took the seat, after Lana had removed her clutch bag. Jen triedeverything not to make too much eye contact with her.

»We talked to some of the producers and told them about us and they said it would be good promo for the show if Josh and I would date in real life. Of course they have to talk with the management first but it looks like we can make it public soon«, said Ginny, who was sitting next to Lana on the other side.

»Why don’t you just make it public if you’re ready? It’s your life«, Lana asked a little bit confused. Jen did not understand it either and leaned a bit forward so she could hear what Ginny was about say.

»Well, we can’t. You know what it says in our contracts«, Josh said and knit his brow.

»What do you mean?«, Lana asked. Jen was glad that she was not the only one who had no idea what they were talking about.

»That we kinda gave up that part of our lives? We can’t go public with our dating lives just like that,otherwise we get into huge trouble. They can fire us for that. It has something to do with press and publicity and stuff. Did you really not know this?«, Ginny asked.

»No, I didn’t. Did you?« Lana turned to Jen.

She shook her head and tried to process what she just heard. Of course she had read the contract before signing it and her management and lawyers had read it too and told her everything was okay with it. Jen must have missed the part where it says that she was not allowed to date whoever she wanted to date. She was not that familiar with legal jargon.

»Oh don’t worry«, Ginny said, »I don’t think it will affect our lives that much. We just have to let them know when we get involved with someone so the office won’t be surprised by the press and media. It’s quite common to put a clause like this into a contract. At least that’s what my lawyer told me.« Ginny obviously felt bad for the bad news.

»It doesn’t matter anyway, right, I mean chances are not that high that we’d date someone from the cast and I think that’s what they’re concerned about because it could affect our work. Except for you two, of course.« Jen referred to Ginny and Josh. She was not stupid; she knew that in this industry every little thing was important and could determine personal success as well as the success of a show. Actor’s she knew personally had been denied roles in the past because of their private reputation, so this was not a surprise. 

»Poor Jamie«, Ginny joked. Jamie was the guy who played the love interest of Jen’s character. He was pretty decent but not at all Jen’s type and he had a girlfriend.

»Ginny is right. We shouldn’t worry about it too much. I’ve signed contracts that included this clause before and it’s never been much of a problem«, Josh said.

Jen had learned from past experiences that being an actress did not only mean acting when they were on set. The part of her private life she shared with the public was just as important, and spouses were a part of that when they wanted to leave the house from time to time.

 

When Jen saw herself as Emma Swan on the big screen it front of her for the first time she felt proud and kind of embarrassed all at once. Proud because she was the lead and a lot of people complimented her and embarrassed because she knew she could have done so much better. She was well aware that this was just her self criticism talking, though. The others did not notice how nervous Jen had been the whole time. Also, Jen had not seen Lana act as the Evil Queen before as they had no scenes together and Jesus - she really was perfect for that role. And she looked intimidating as hell in her costume, but also gorgeous. Jen glanced to the woman sitting next to her almost as if she wanted to compare her to the Queen on the screen.

»How can you be so sure you won’t fall for someone from the cast?«, Lana whispered leaning closer to Jen without taking her eyes off of the screen.

That was a question Jen had not expected. She said that without thinking about it, so there was no real explanation. »Never say never of course, but I can’t imagine who it should be. Like, there’s no one I could see myself with.«

»… right, there isn’t«, Lana said leaning back in her seat.

Jen wondered if it was all in her head or if it was an actual possibility that Lana was mad at her for saying this. She silently studied her facial expression which seemed to be no different from before, so she must have misread the situation. They were cool. To Jen it was the truth, she could not see herself being with one of her co-stars. Even if she found that woman insanely attractive, something she was still denying as it was hopeless and stupid, she did not see herself _dating_ her. Jen was not into her like _that_. Also, someone like Lana would never fall for someone like Jen. And even if she did, she would not be able to keep a woman like that. Jen was well aware that she was not enough. And she really was not at all comfortable with the thought of liking women. She would rather stay alone until the right guy came along as it was much easier. Maybe one day she would find a man that made her happy because women were not the gender she wanted to date and also definitely out of her league.

There was still a question she felt the need to get an answer to, though. Just for clarification. »Do you… like someone?«, Jen asked and swallowed hard. She was not even sure why she did that. Being rejected was the worst thing ever, even from someone she was not particularly interested in. Apparently she loved pain.

It took a while for Lana to answer and Jen’s anxiety grew with every second. Lana furrowed her brows. »No«, she said coldly, still focusing on the screen, not even glancing at the blonde.

It was like someone had punched Jen in the stomach and she wished he had never asked her that. It hurt to hear what she had already known, more than she wanted to admit. And Lana had not touched her again.


	4. November 2011

**** It was the last day of filming before winter break and Jen was on the verge of a breakdown because Lana was treating her completely differently since the premiere and it drove her crazy. In some situations she almost ignored Jen’s attempt to start a conversation. Jen did everything she could not to miss being near Lana and not to miss the slight touches, but she failed miserably. They were not fighting or anything and Jen got rid of the feeling that Lana might be mad at her but something was different and she could not figure out what it was. It would not solve itself so this morning, it was almost midday, Jen bought two cups of coffee instead of one and knocked on Lana’s trailer. She knew she was on set because it said so on the schedule. By this time she must have had wrapped. When no one opened, Jen sat down on the cold, almost icy stairs. She would not go to hair and makeup without having talked to her or at least seen her. It was getting cold though and Jen was glad for those heavy jackets they gave them when they were filming outside.

When Lana arrived Jen was chilled to the bones and so was the coffee, but it did not matter, because she was here and Jen would not give up until things were like they used to be between them. She needed this.

»Jen? What are you doing?«, Lana asked examining Jen’s burrito look as she was walking towards her trailer with the keys in her hand and a bag hung over her shoulder. She was wearing the same jacket as Jen, but probably with a lot less underneath. Her costumes were not supposed to keep her warm.

Jen looked up to her and noticed from her hair that she was probably filming as Regina and not as the Evil Queen. »I’ve been waiting for you to bring you, uhh, some coffee«, she said and stood up to clear the way for Lana to enter the trailer.

»Get in, you must be freezing«, Lana said while unlocking the door and holding it open to let Jen in first.

»It’s okay«, Jen said trying not to shiver. Although the trailers were pretty much the same, everyone looked a little bit different. Lana decorated her’s with a dream catcher and made the couch more comfy by adding some blankets. »Where’s your dog?« Lana was known for bringing her dog with her on set and she quickly became the Once Upon A Time mascot.

»Lola is in daycare. It was a busy morning for me so I wouldn’t have been able to walk her. Come sit down«, Lana said and put some cushions aside.

»Here’s your cup of coffee, but it’s cold now, so…«

»Cold caffein is better than no caffein. Thank you«, Lana answered in a familiar, soft tone and took the cup. 

This time it was Jen who »accidentally« touched Lana’s fingers. She was desperate to feel her warm and soft skin against her’s, even if it was just for a moment.

»God Jennifer, you’re ice-cold. Sit down«, Lana ordered and Jen did as she said. Lana sat down next to her and put a blanket around Jen’s body. And she left her arm there, around Jen, who was seriously about to cry because she had missed Lana’s attention so much.

Jen waited a little until she was able to speak without shivering again. »Lana«, she said and it sounded desperate to her ears.

»Yes?«, Lana answered in a high-pitched voice. Probably because Jen had never really called her by name.

Jen could feel the woman’s breath on her cheek when she spoke. »… nothing. I’m just glad we’re… friends.« She swallowed a little on the last word as it did not feel right to call their relationship a friendship.

Lana stroked Jen’s arm to keep her warm. She looked like she was thinking about a response and it took her a while. »Me too. I have to tell you something.«

»What is it?« There was this weird flicker of hope that Lana would say out loud what Jen was still denying to even feel. Suddenly she wanted Lana to tell her that she was missing being near her, too. 

»I met a really cute guy yesterday at Moderne Burger. You know that little restaurant in downtown, right? We had a lovely chat and then he straight up asked me out on a date. He’s so handsome«, Lana kept on raving but Jen was not paying attention anymore.

She was convinced that an invisible hand would have grabbed her throat and was now trying to choke her to death. Jen stared at Lana in shock, almost horror, and could not manage to keep her facial expressions under control. The words repeated themselves over and over again in her head while Lana kept telling her stuff she really did not want to hear. 

»What do you think, should I go?«, she asked sincerely and Jen could not believe what she just heard.

»…are you serious right now?« The pain Jen felt suddenly turned into pure anger. From the moment they met Lana had to be well aware of the effect she had on Jen otherwise she would have been stupid and blind. And it was okay that she did not feel that way but why on earth was she playing with Jen’s feelings like that? Only to throw it in her face that she did not stand a chance?

Lana seemed to be just as surprised as Jen herself. »Jen-«

»No, you got to be fucking kidding me.« Jen freed herself from the blanket and got up from the couch in one movement. She looked down on the brunette who clearly had not expected that kind of reaction.

»What is your problem? We’re friends, you said so yourself!«

»Yes, but…«, Jen stood there with hands on her hips, »I was wrong, okay. I can’t be friends with you. I don’t wanna be friends with you. Not like that.« Her voice turned quieter again.

»Then what is it you want?«, Lana asked cautiously and got up as well to be at eye level with the blonde.

»I… fuck, I don’t know.« Jen started to pace back and forth until Lana carefully grabbed her arm.

»I know we shouldn’t do this, but all I care about is you. And I know how difficult this must be for you but you can count on me, I promise. You don’t have to go through this alone, I’ll be with you every step of the way«, Lana said and came closer, so close that she was millimetres away from Jen’s face. She put a hand on her cheek and gently caressed it. »It’s scary but soon you’ll see that liking women is not scary at all. It’s wonderful«, she said softly.

Jen could smell her breath that was mint mixed with coffee. She could feel that the tension that had been building up between them for weeks now was about to explode. Lana’s lips were so beautiful and Jen could not even imagine how good they must feel on her’s. When Lana’s hand on her cheek made her heart go nuts, what would kissing her do to her? But Lana was a woman and on top of that they were coworkers. If anyone found out about them, they could lose their jobs. It would have all been for nothing. Jen crossed a line once when she was working on another TV show and had to pay the price. That was not what she wanted for Lana. Also, she could not possibly be into women. That was not what she wanted for herself. 

Lana leaned in, closed her eyes, and tilted her head to the side. And as soon as she did that, Jen put her hand on Lana’s chest. Her lips were close, so close. But instead of pulling her even closer, she pushed her away. This was not right. »What are you doing?« 

Lana closed her parted lips and smiled disappointedly. If Jen had not already been overwhelmed with emotions it would have broken her heart into pieces. »I don’t like you like that«, she added, as if the situation was not already bad enough. It was like her heart was fighting a battle against her brain and it was about to lose. 

Without showing any reaction, Lana picked up the jacket from her couch and gave it to Jen. »You should leave.«

Jen hesitated. This was not what she wanted either. This could not be it. What the hell had she done; her heart was racing and not in a good way. »Lana, I’m-«

»You really should go now. Please«, Lana insisted and forced Jen to take her jacket.

There was nothing she could to except for leaving the trailer and the minute Jen did so, she knew she had made the wrong decision. It had been a terrible mistake to listen to her head instead of her heart.

 

That evening Jen’s migraines were as bad as they had not been in a long time. She took pills but they would not help so she just went to bed and hoped that sleep would bring the cure. Of course she could not possibly manage to fall asleep. Instead, she laid on her side and looked out the window to watch the stars and think about everything wrong in her life. If she had not panicked she probably would not be all alone right now. She would know how Lana’s lips tasted and could kiss them anytime she wanted. But she did panic and she was alone. It probably was for the better. Even if Lana really liked her it would not have lasted for long and Jen would have ended up all heartbroken. She would never be enough for Lana. And on top of all, she did not want to be attracted to a woman. Jen was not gay or something. 

When her phone lightened up Jen’s headache intensified. And when she saw that it was a text from Lana her stomach twisted.

»Hey Jen, I’m sorry for what’s happened. I crossed a line today and I promise it won’t happen again. Happy Holidays! Lana.«

Jen ignored the pain in her head and stomach and turned on the light. Suddenly she was wide awake again and not at all in the mood for sleeping. It took her half an hour to decide on what to respond. 

»Hey, it’s okay. See you in January. x« She could not shake the feeling that she was lying to her and to herself, but she had no idea what she actually wanted. 

As she was wide awake anyway, Jen decided to unpack a few things so she had not to return to an apartment full of boxes after winter break. Even though she had been living in Vancouver for a few months now, filming and travelling back and forth had kept her from making herself at home.

One of the first things she fetched from one of the moving boxes was her old photo album. She had almost forgotten to pack it and that was why it was stuffed on top of shoes, scarfs, and winter jackets. But she had to bring it with her because she always brought it with her, no matter what place she called home. And nothing could stop her from flipping through the pages whenever it fell into her hands. Most people did it because of nostalgia, but for Jen it was more about proof that showed her how far she had come. She could not help but smile when she looked at the first picture. It showed her thirteen year old self wearing her favorite pyjamas with her parents on Christmas Day. Everyone of her class had constantly been taking pictures of each other so they could put it in their photo albums and Jen had been jealous because she did not had one of her own. Only the one her parents occasionally had filled with photos from family vacations, but it had not been cool enough.Jen had been the happiest kid when she had gotten the album and a polaroid camera for Christmas that year. The next pages had used to be photos from her and her two best friends fooling around with the polaroid camera but at one point Jen had thrown away some of the pictures and only kept the important ones so there would be room for new memories. As high school was not one of Jen’s favourite years, she only kept the photo from prom night. A boy from the school’s marching band had asked her out and she couldn’t have been happier. Going to prom alone had been her biggest fear back then.

She did not want to cringe so Jen skipped the photos of her at University. As the campus was not far away from home she was still living with her parents and she hung out with Jesus Freaks, like, literally. 

The real fun for her began when she had studied at a theatre in Chicago, where she had met her former best friend Sally. It had not been taking long until they had decided to move to Los Angeles. Jen’s parents had been so mad that they had not talked to her for three months straight. But somehow Jen had known it had been the right thing to do. They had shared an apartment with two other housemates, one of them had become Jen’s first boyfriend. It had ended rather quickly though, but she would probably never forget the awesome time the four of them had. They had helped each other when one of them had an audition, and they cheered each other up when they did not get the part. Jen had learned what beer pong was and she also had been drunk as hell for the first time in her life. Sally had found it kind of funny that Jen had never been drunk before but well, there was a first time for everything. Jen could not even remember who took the photo of her lying on the bed totally passed out and Sally sitting next to her doing the peace sign. What awful clothes they had been wearing back then. Jen had stayed with them even though she had got an acting job that had payed enough to rent her own apartment, but she could not leave. Their little apartment-sharing community had ended when Sally had fallen in love with a guy from Britain and moved in with him. 

The latest pictures were her and her ex fiancé, her and her brother who had also been her best friend growing up, and some pictures she had taken when she had been hiking with her friends and her dog, and a photo of her and her sister. Jen promised herself to take the camera with her on set so she could add a few memories to her album. It was her little tradition. She closed it and put it into the bookshelf next to Hemingway. It made her sad that despite the few but close friends she had, she had always felt like an outsider and like someone who lived a life that was not meant to be her’s.


	5. December 2011

Despite being with her family over the holidays and therefore surrounded by a lot of people, Jen had never felt so lonely. It was like she did not belong anymore. Everything was so… different. Or maybe she was the one who was different. Instead of keeping the kids busy by playing with them like she used to do, she found herself checking her phone every five minutes just to see if Lana had texted her. It was desperate and hopeless because she was probably with her family and not even thinking about her but still, it was the only thing that kept Jen going during the holidays because her inner conflict was eating her alive. The endless rounds of gift giving that used to be her favourite part of Christmas seemed to be rather exhausting than fun. It was just so incredibly hard to fake a smile. It was like everything suddenly turned out to be meaningless. It took her the whole breakfast too to realise that what she felt was regret. Regret because she pushed Lana away. God, if Lana had done this to her Jen would have never been able to talk to her again. Of course Lana must have been thinking that Jen hated her but this was so not true. She must have been thinking that Jen was a horrible person, and to be honest Jen herself kind of agreed with that because of her actions. But there was something that had been stopping her from telling Lana that she did not mean it. Hell, she could not even text her a simple »Merry Christmas«. Every time she tried to type the letters something inside her made her delete them again. It was a mix of insecurities and panic of letting someone in her life that meant a lot to her, more than it should. It would increase the risk of getting hurt badly and above all, it scared her that these feelings were so unfamiliar and she did not really know how to title them.

»So… who is the lucky guy?«, Jen’s younger sister Julia asked while helping their mother by setting the table for Christmas dinner. She and their aunt were still in the kitchen preparing the side dishes.

The whole house already smelled of turkey and the world’s best Christmas pie and Jen wished she could just lay back and enjoy it. Instead, this woman was on her mind and would not disappear. »What do you mean?« Jen almost dropped a pile of plates. Not that conversation again. Almost every time her family gathered together her sister or her aunt started talking about how Jen should start focusing on her private life instead of her career. At one point even her mom pointed out to her that her younger siblings already had their own families and that she was worried about her future.

»You’ve been waiting for a text from him, don’t you? Tell me, who is it? Someone famous?« Julia grabbed the spoons and placed them next to the plates.

»I’m not seeing anyone.« Jen managed to sound pretty convincing because it was not even a lie. She was not jealous of her sister for having a husband and planning to get pregnant although her family tried to convince her that this should be something she should envy.

»So you’re telling me there’s no man in your life?« Her sister was clearly suspicious for no reason at all.

»There isn’t.«

»Is it because you don’t want mom and dad to know?«

»Julia, there’s no man in my life. I’m single and I’m happy. Can we drop this subject already?« Jen kind of expected her mom to call her out on snapping at her sister, but gladly she was not paying attention.

»Jennifer, you work too hard. We’re proud of you, but your job isn’t going to make you happy on the long run.« Her aunt entered the room to put the gravy on the table. She must have overheard the conversation.

All Jen wanted was this day to be over already. »I am very happy.« That was the second time she said that today, what made it the second lie.

»Well, you might be for now but don’t you wanna have a family of your own? Maybe we should set you up with someone? What do you think, David?«

Jen gave her aunt the evil eye but she still did not seem to understand. Now she would be the center of the conversation at dinner again even though there was nothing to talk about.

»My daughter will find someone when it’s time for her to find someone.« Her Dad placed one arm around Jen and squeezed her like he did when she was a child. She smiled at him for saving her from dating tips with auntie.

»I’m just saying, she’s not getting any younger. Aren’t there any single and good-looking man in the city of stars, Jennifer? I heard this guy, what is his name, Drake Gyllenhaal, is single again.« 

It seemed like her aunt thought Los Angeles was a small village and every celebrity knew one another.

»I don’t know him personally, sorry.« Jen tried to stay polite because that was the way she had been raised but deep inside she was furious.

»If I had my way Jen would already be a happy mother living in a nice house but no, she chose to live this Hippie lifestyle«, her mom meddled from the kitchen.

»I have a house«, Jen said but more to herself as no one was listening to her.

Everyone gathered at the dinner table while Julia helped her mom to bring in the food and placed it around the candles. Jen checked her phone one more time under the table and almost got a heart attack. She actually got a text from Lana. Before opening it she looked around to make sure no one was watching her. Her dad was busy talking to her brother and the other family members minded their own business. She briefly noticed that her aunt was complaining about the color of the gravy.

Jen’s fingers were so sweaty that her phone almost did not recognize them. 

»Merry Christmas! Hope you’re having a great time! Mwah!«, said the message and Jen’s heart started to go berserk. »I’m having a shitty time because everything is boring and meaningless without you«, she wanted to text back but decided to go for a simple »Thanks! Merry Christmas!« instead and added a heart emoji (which she panicked about afterwards because maybe it had been a little too much).

Only for a few seconds Jen allowed the thought she tried to push away so desperately. She pictured herself introducing Lana to her parents. She pictured Lana sitting next to her, having a conversation with her family while casually stroking the back of Jen’s hand. She pictured herself laying one arm around Lana when they were sitting on the sofa watching everyone exchanging presents. And instead of feeling uncomfortable, even horrified, when thinking about doing stuff like that with a woman, Jen felt… proud.

It hit her like a train on the track. There would never be a guy in suit and tie sitting next to Jen at Christmas Dinner holding her hand and talking about their house and children. The only person Jen wanted to do that with at this point was Lana. She would rather be forever alone than to settle down with a man. Her husband would be a wife and that was something she was neither willing nor able to change. Thoughts just kept running through her head as she was just staring at her food without even touching it. She was scared when she thought about telling other people about this but she felt more like herself than she had in a very long time. This rush of excitement and the tension that took over her body whenever she thought of Lana was not because of Jen’s insecurities or because she felt judged by her. It was because that woman was making her nervous in a way she expected men to do. This was what everyone meant by having a crush, by slowly falling in love. Or in her case, falling a little faster. She had never been in love and doubted that she ever would be, and now it had happened. There was no point in denying that any longer. It would not make her happy to live a life she did not want to live even though her parents wanted it so badly. It was not her.

And hell, the first thing she would be doing as soon as she came home was to finish what she was not brave enough to start in that trailer.

»Can you pass me the beans, please?«, her brother asked.

»Sure«, Jen replied and this time her smile was honest again.

 

******

 

After Christmas break, Jen did not even bother to go home first. Instead, she rushed to Lana’s housestraight from the airport and parked her car on the side of the road. Her heart was pounding so heavy in her chest that she could hear it loud and clearl. Never in her life had she confessed her love to someone, let alone to a woman. But she wanted this more than anything else. She wanted her.

As she was making her way towards the door, she noticed a light burning in the window. That meant she must have been home. Jen rang the doorbell with sweaty, almost shaky hands and tried to focus on what she wanted to say. Her flight was late but that was actually a good thing because she had enough time to plan out her speech. Maybe she should have waited a little longer and prepared herself for what was going to happen. Maybe this was a big mistake. She was nowhere near brave enough for this, but it was too late to back out now. The door opened in one movement and Jen could feel her face falling and her mouth turning downward. Now, her heart was pounding even heavier but not because of excitement. It felt like her stomach turned over and she was about to vomit. It hit her that she might never get what she wanted so desperately. She had already waited way too long.

»Can I help you?«, asked a man with dark hair and three-day beard standing in the doorframe. 

Jen tried to pull herself together. Maybe it was a friend or a family member. Or was this the wrong house? She had never been at Lana’s, she only knew her address because she once told her. This was neither the time nor the place to freak out. »Uhm yeah, is Lana home?«, Jen asked hoping for the man to tell her that there was no woman called Lana living here.

»It depends. Who’s asking?«, he asked and based on his accent he was not from LA.

Ouch. »I’m Jen, I’m a friend of her’s.« She could hear her own voice break and she hated it.

»I’ll go get her. Come in«, he said and left the door open for Jen to enter the room. 

She held onto her car keys like they would prevent her from having a total breakdown. Without even wanting to, her eyes scanned the room looking for proof that there was no man living in this house. But she got disappointed again by several pairs of men shoes standing on the floor in front of the wardrobe. He was definitely staying for longer. Jen tried to remember his face and compared it to Lana’s, looking for family resemblance that could not be found because they did not look alike at all. Jen was so close to leaving this house to protect herself from hearing what she was already feared.

»Jen! Hey, how are you?« Lana entered the room and Jen’s stomach dropped again. By now it had to be somewhere between her bladder and her uterus. 

Lana’s voice was like music she had not listened to in far too long. It had only been like six weeks since she had seen her but it felt way longer. It was unfair how good Lana looked in leggings and tank top, without makeup and with messy hair. The way Jen’s body reacted, that she got all nervous and excited again, only confirmed what she already knew: she had feelings for her colleague. »I’m fine, how are you?« Jen did not know where to look because everything about Lana made her weak and vulnerable. She did not change much since the day they last met; when Jen rejected her in the most cruel way and she had never regretted anything as much as she regretted not kissing her.

»I’m good. Sorry for the mess, Fred and I are packing because we’re going to visit my family tomorrow«, Lana apologized pointing at the shoes lying on the floor and the two big suitcases. »Would you like something to drink? How was Christmas?«

That was another huge slap in the face. This man was not just a friend; he was indeed her boyfriend. And judging by his accent he was Canadian, so he must be the guy she met at the diner. They were a couple. Why else would they visit Lana’s family together? And what hurt the most was that Lana did not tell her all that because she wanted to make her jealous, she told her because she thought they were _friends_. »No, no thank you. Christmas was… nice. I was with my family.« At this point is was too late to tell her that the only good thing about it was her message. It was too late for a lot of things.

»Good!«, Lana replied and smiled at her. 

Jen was too afraid to ask Lana about her Christmas. She did not want to know how she spent it with this man exchanging presents and kissing under the mistletoe. She rather wanted Lana to start talking about what happened in the trailer so Jen could get the chance to explain herself but apparently for Lana that was not necessary. Somehow Jen had to come up with an excuse on why she was even here. »I just wanted to wish you a happy New Year’s Eve.«

»Oh thank you! Guess we won’t go out tonight. We have to catch the flight to Brooklyn quite early in the morning. Do you have plans?« 

»Yes, I-I’m gonna be with my friends, we’re… going to a party…« Before Jen could give a proper answer, Fred came back into the room and put his arm around Lana’s shoulder. 

»Don’t you want to introduce us?«, he asked, looking at Jen.

Lana smiled shyly, placing a hand on Fred’s stomach. Compared to him she looked even tinier than she already was. »Jen is on the show with me. Can you believe that he’s never seen Once Upon a Time? We need to change that immediately«, Lana said and Jen was not sure if she was talking to her or to Fred and she was in so much pain that she thought for a second it might kill her on the spot.

»Yeah we definitely have to do a marathon«, Fred said. He could not keep his eyes off of Lana and Jen could tell that Lana had a hard time not to stare at her boyfriend either. 

Lana probably had not told him that six weeks ago she had tried to kiss a woman she had been flirting with for weeks. A part of Jen wanted to hate her in that moment for making her feel all the things only to replace her with some guy, but she could never hate her and above all it was Jen’s fault only. She had been the one who had rejected her and no matter if Lana had done all this just for fun or had actually been interested in her, Jen could not blame her for moving on. 

Jen felt physically sick and all she wanted was to leave. She could not pull it together any longer. »I… gotta go now, Anyways, happy New Year’s Eve.« Without giving Lana the chance to reply Jen left the house and almost ran towards her car.

 

She drove a little without knowing where to go, not really wanting to go home because there the walls would only close in on her. Also, lately she felt even more lonely when she was at her house. Probably because it was just too big for only one person. She much more preferred her apartment in Vancouver as it was much smaller. 

Right before midnight she parked her car near the bench she once was sitting on with her »crush« waiting for Ginny and Josh to pick her up, allowing herself to drown in self-pity for one night only. She had no one; her friends were out partying but Jen could not bring herself to go out that night. Not even her dog was willing to spend New Year’s Eve with her. Well, actually Ava would probably have wanted to be with her mommy, but she was so scared of fireworks that Jen left her in holiday day care to keep her safe. Jen could tell that it was midnight by the fireworks going off all around her, but she sat in her car in silence. Unable to do anything, not even opening a bottle of champaign for herself because she was driving. She had never even planned on spending New Year’s Eve with her friends at a party. In fact, she thought she would spend it with Lana after confessing her love to her. She would have pulled her closer and kissed her like she would have done it a long time ago if she had been brave enough. Maybe they would be watching the fireworks together right now. Instead, Lana was with her boyfriend and Jen did not want to think about what they were doing right now. She did not want to think about how this man was touching her in all the places Jen wanted to touch her. That she could blame only on herself. It was no one’s fault but her’s.


	6. September 2013

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you for your comments! I'm glad you like the story so far. xx

Since then, Lana and Jen had been nothing. Colleagues maybe, but nothing more. And it had been Jen who had made the cut as she could not possibly manage to be friends with Lana. They said good morning and goodbye, could handle each other when they popped up in pictures or had to give interviews together, but that was about it when it came to conversation off camera. At first it had felt awkward and forced but now Jen was used to it and so was Lana. At least she did not say otherwise. Not wanting to hang out with Lana had caused Jen to be quite lonely as she did not want to go out with Ginny and Josh anymore because there was always the possibility that Lana might be there too. Also, Ginny and Josh had become a couple and they had been cute and stuff but Jen had not been in the mood to be around happy and in-love kind of people. Her isolation had changed when a new colleague joined the cast. Rose and Jen had immediately hit it off and Jen had never been out so many nights in a row than she had been this summer and she had never had this much fun. It had happened more than once that Jen had attended fittings or rehearsals without having slept all night. But Jen did not mind, because no sleep had also meant no time for laying in bed and thinking about what could have been.

When Jen had overheard a conversation with Lana and Ginny where Lana had said that her and Fred had gotten engaged and proudly showed off her ring, Jen had wondered if the pain in her chest had been gone or had become a constant state so Jen did not feel it anymore. But when Jen had seen Lana’s bright and honest smile, she had known that something in this twisted and kind of fucked up situation must have gone right because Lana was truly happy. And somehow that made Jen feel a little bit better.

 

Jen would have lied if she had said that seeing Lana, especially all dolled up like she was that night, left her completely cold but she had learned not to pay attention to the way her stomach dropped and her heart contracted in a weird way. She was glad when Rose grabbed her by her waist and held up her phone so they could take a selfie. It reminded Jen of the task the managers had given her: being more active on social media, especially when she attended events that were related to her job. The premiere party of Season 3 seemed to be a good place for taking some pictures with the cast members that Jen could not only post on her Instagram account, but also put into her photo album to save some memories. Also, the cast and crew had announced to the fans that they would be live tweeting the whole evening. The show had become a huge success and had made its way to the one of the top shows of ABC.

»Your hair looks so good, how do you do this?«, Rose asked in her Kiwi accent, while swiping through the filters to edit the picture so she could post it.

»Do what?« Jen kept herself busy with fixing her makeup so she would not give into the temptation of looking at Lana, who was sitting on one of the round tables across the room talking to Jared and his Mom.

»The braid thing.« Rose showed Jen the finished picture and shared it.

»My stylist taught me how to do it. Works even better with these extensions.« She ran her hand over her loosely braided hair falling over her shoulder. She was pretty happy with the result.

»I’m jealous.«

»Don’t be, you have no idea how long it takes me to dry it.«

»The Queen is here, of course.« Rose said disparagingly. Jen did not have to follow her eyes to know who she was talking about. Apparently Lana had stood up and was now walking across the room. It was not like Rose had to film with Lana all the time, they only had a few scenes, but Rose was annoyed by her big time.

»Yeah, she belongs to the cast so…« It bugged her a bit that Rose was talking shit about Lana on a daily basis and always described her as arrogant and narcissistic, but what was she supposed to say, she could not convince her otherwise.

»You don’t have to defend her, girl, I know you don’t like her either. You avoid her at all costs and guess what - same here. Look, there’s Sebastian«, Rose said pointing to the door where a man with dark brown hair in suit and tie appeared.

Jen turned around in embarrassment. »God no. Please tell me he hasn’t seen me.«

»Relax, he’s talking to Josh. What is wrong with you, was sex that bad?«, Rose mocked her while making sure the guy would not notice that they were talking about him.

»Well, technically I haven’t slept with him.« Jen pulled out her phone so she did not have to face Rose. Even though they were something like best friends, she had not found the courage to tell her about the fact that she had no desire to sleep with a man ever again in her life. She had tried to talk to her about it several times but had always chickened out last minute.

»Haven’t you guys dated each other?«

»Yeah kinda but it was weird.« Sebastian was her colleague and he had constantly asked her out so that Jen had decided it would be easier to just go on one date than to find more excuses on why she could not go out with him. He had not tried to kiss her so she had agreed to go out with him again and become friends. It was a little late for Jen to back out anyway as the press had already made a huge deal out of it by describing their relationship as a fairytale romance. That time Jen was in town as little as possible, kept herself busy by working a lot so she always had an excuse to escape alone-time with her boyfriend. Eventually it had worked out for a while, but then Sebastian had wanted more and obviously Jen had not. The only good thing about that was that it had prevented Rose from hooking Jen up with every good looking guy there. Also, Jen was now 200% sure that she did not want a man and that something like this would never happen again. 

»And you’ve never had sex?« Rose looked at Jen as if she had told her the most shocking as surprising news ever.

»Rose, please« Jen had never been comfortable talking about stuff like this because she did not find it enjoyable at all. To her it had always been something she just had to do because… well, it was something people did when they were in a relationship. At least now she knew the reason why she had not enjoyed it all this time.

»I’m sorry but I don’t get it, I mean, he’s hot though.« Rose was totally checking him out.

»He really isn’t my type.« A few months ago she would have convinced herself that he was indeed pretty attractive, but she did not feel that way towards him and did not plan on lying to her friend any more than she already did.

»But clearly you’re his. He’s looking at you«, Rose was staring at him way too obviously.

Jen felt actually pretty bad about this whole Sebastian situation, especially if he had liked her for real. She was neither fair nor honest with him and she was kind of ashamed how bad she had treated him. He could not have known. »I tried to tell him that it’s over but he wouldn’t take a hint so I just never called him back. I don’t even know why I agreed to go out with him in the first place-«

»Shh, he’s coming up to us«, Rose whispered and tried to act as causal as possible.

»Shit.«

»Hey Jennifer, long time no see«, he said and he was _nice_ despite Jen’s behaviour towards him.

Jen turned around reluctantly. »Heeey, yeah I’ve been kinda busy lately, so…« She was way too embarrassed to face this guy right now.

»I get that, me too. Maybe we could-«

Oh please no. Jen did not want to hurt him again by rejecting him yet another time and she also was so bad at rejecting people in a polite way.

»I’m sorry to interrupt but Jen and I need to go. Adam and Eddy wanted to talk to us before the show starts«, Rose said and pulled Jen with her as she was making her way towards the door.

»She’s right, I’m sorry«, Jen said and followed Rose gladly. She felt even worse for him but did not know what else she was supposed to do in this situation. Jen really wished this guy would just take a hint because she did not want to tell him that she was not interested.

 

They hid in the bathroom for solid fifteen minutes before they went back to the party so Jen could take a couple more pictures before the show would start. She took one with her TV parents Ginny and Josh and one with her TV son Jared. His Mom and Jen chatted for a while as she wanted to tell Jen that Jared saw her as an inspiration and was too shy to tell her himself. Jared gave his Mom an evil eye but Jen found it adorable.

»Have you taken a photo with Lana yet?«, Jared asked as he saw Jen taking pictures with everyone but his other TV mom. 

»No, uhm, I couldn’t find her. Maybe later«, she said because she did not want to disappoint the boy by telling him that just because they got along when they were on set it did not mean that they were friends, and people who were not friends did not just ask each other for a selfie.

»She’s right there«, Jared said pointing to the table where Lana was sitting all by herself with a Macbook in front of her. It was probably her turn to be in charged of the official Twitter account of Once Upon A Time to communicate with fans.

Jen was looking for an excuse not to come up to her and take that damn photo but she really did not seem to be busy. So she just decided to finally get it over with. It was not a big deal anyways. Above all, their characters were the most popular ones on the show so why not giving the fans what they wanted?

»Hey«, Jen said and awkwardly sat down on the chair next to her. She noticed that Lana wore glasses which made her look even more attractive than she already was. But Jen got used to seeing Lana so she was able to to keep it together and speak in full sentences. »Would it be okay for you if we took a picture together? It’s for my Instagram.« She briefly glanced at the ring on her finger.

It was impossible to tell what Lana was thinking but she definitely looked surprised. »Of course«, she said, put the glasses down and moved closer. 

Jen did not dare to put an arm around Lana and neither did she. Instead, Jen held her breath when their shoulders touched and she could feel Lana’s soft olive skin against her’s. Jen tried to look as unimpressed as possible when she took the photo, but in reality her heart was racing. To her surprise it was not hard to fake a smile because she was smiling without even thinking about it. 

»Thanks«, Jen said, her voice a little higher than normal. She avoided eye contact at all costs and pretended to be busy with her pone.

»You’re welcome. The fans will appreciate it, they love Emma and Regina together.« Lana smirked and focused on the screen again. »There, so many questions about SwanQueen. Too bad I’m not allowed to answer them.«

»They call us SwanQueen?« Since the disaster on House, a show she had worked on before, where Jen had said something about how she had wanted her character and House to become a thing and received tons of hate mail and death threats because of it, she avoided reading comments and talking about ships in general.

»Yeees, there’s a huge community that would love to see Emma and Regina together.« Lana seemed to love the idea.

»At least now I know how to caption our photo«, Jen said while she uploaded it to Instagram. »I have a feeling that’s not really the story they want to tell though.«

»No, it isn’t«, said Lana still focusing on the screen and answering people’s questions.

For the first time in forever, Jen checked the comments on her picture, which were a mix between people fangirling over SwanQueen and people hating on Jen because they wanted to see a photo with Colin, who was playing Captain Hook/Killian Jones, the actual love interest of Jen’s character. For a moment Jen thought about deleting the picture or at least changing the caption but she decided to leave it the way it was. Jen left before the conversation could get awkward.

 

******

 

Jen was ready. Ready to come out to someone other than herself. And the person she trusted the most when it came to this was her best friend. So after the party, when Jen drove Rose home as they were living quite close to each other, she decided that this would be the right moment. She parked the car in front of Rose’s apartment and took a deep breath.

»Wait, can you… stay for a second?«, Jen asked when Rose was about to leave the car.

»Of course.« She seemed to be a bit irritated.

»There is something I have to tell you. Something important.« Jen could not manage to say it out loud right away even though she had practiced it in front of the mirror so they just sat there in silence, Jen’s hands were shaking and ice cold. She toyed with her car keys to keep herself sane and nothing and no one in hell could have convinced Jen to look at her friend sitting next to her.

»What is it?« Rose was not impatient but a little bit confused.

»God, I really don’t know how to say this.« Rose had never said anything against gay people but there still was this thought in the back of Jen’s mind that she was not as open minded as Jen hoped her to be. Also, there was a possibility that Rose might be mad at her for lying to her the whole time.

»Has it something to do with me?« Rose tried to get Jen to talk because Jen did not seem to be willing to do so by herself.

»No.«

»So it’s about you?«

»Yes.« She was fully aware of the fact that saying this might change a lot between them. Maybe Rose would feel uncomfortable touching her or sleeping in the same room with her but Jen could live with that. What she could not live with any longer was keeping this part of herself a secret from someone she spent so much time with.

»Are you sick or something?« The worry in Rose’s voice made Jen feel bad immediately.

»What?? No. Nothing like that. It’s nothing bad, I guess.« In front of the mirror Jen sounded confident, but this was not like that at all. It had been almost two years since she had come out to herself and now it was time to tell someone else. It was a step into the right direction and she knew that.

»Then what is it??« Rose unbuckled her seatbelt so she could turn to her friend.

Jen leaned her forehead against the steering wheel. »Ughhhhhh«, she exhaled.

»You know you can tell me anything, Jen, you’re my best friend«, Rose assured her. She was probably really curious right now.

»I knoooow.« This was a lot more difficult then Jen had expected it to be as the words just would not leave her mouth, no matter how hard she tried. She knew exactly what she wanted to say but she just could not.

»Has it something to do with Sebastian?«

»… kinda.« At least Rose was on the right track. It was the right category.

»Has it something to do with guys in general?«

»… kinda. Yes.« Jen’s heart was beating so hard she was afraid it might jump out of her chest. Her hands were sticky from cold sweat.

»You like women?«, Rose asked without any change of tone so that might be a good sign.

This was it, there was no going back. »I think so. Yeah. Shit, this is so weird pleasedon’thateme.«

»Jennifer Marie Morrison get the hell out of this car and give me a hug!« The younger woman almost jumped out of the car.

Jen did as she said and could feel some tears running down her face when Rose hugged her tightly and pat her back. »I’m so proud of you for telling me this, although you scared the hell out of me, you know that? I thought something was wrong with you and you had a disease that would kill you in the next five days.« 

Jen laughed in relief. »No, I’m perfectly healthy. How did you know what I was trying to tell you?«

»I didn’t, but I kinda had a feeling for a while now. I just didn’t want to push you.«

That was actually really sweet and suddenly Jen was even more glad to have a friend like Rose. »Thank you.«

»Are you kidding me, if people react differently they’re idiots.«

»Yeah. You’re the only one that knows by the way, so…« That was Jen’s way of telling her not to say a single word to anyone.

»I won’t tell anyone, I promise. I feel honoured, though. And I want to know everything, the whole story. Come in, I have some cold pizza from yesterday.«

»Okay.« Cold pizza was kind of their thing. It was a blessing after a night out. Jen would tell her everything, except for that little detail that was the woman she had fallen in love with.


	7. July 2014

It was not the first time the cast would attend San Diego Comic Con. That was why it was weird that suddenly their managers wanted to talk to Jen and Colin, the actor who played the new love interest for Jen’s character, in private about panels and interviews before they would head to the venue. So instead of driving over with everyone else, Jen found herself sitting in the lobby of their hotel in one of those super comfortable couches chatting with her colleague and waiting for the managers to come downstairs.

When Colin had joined the cast no one had known that the writers would turn the relationship between his character and Jen’s character into the main love story of the show and not all the fans where happy about that. Especially for those who had started watching for Emma and Regina, the Saviour and the Evil Queen. Since working on House Jen would never underestimate the concept of shipping again. She had stopped reading her comments again when she had realized that she would get hate no matter what she posted. 

»Is everything alright? You seem tense.« His normally funny and chatty friend seemed to be everything but happy. Jen was pretty lucky that they chose Colin for the role of Captain Hook. She knew from experience that it could be weird making out with someone on camera, but with Colin it was not like that at all. They made jokes about their characters and their relationship all the time without it being awkward or uncomfortable.

»Yeah, of course. Just didn’t get that much sleep last night«, he said and put out his phone for the hundredth time.

There was definitely more to that. »How are Helen and Evan?«, Jen asked as Colin kept staring at his phone like he was expecting a message that never came. »Is he talking yet?«

»They’re fine. At least I hope so. Haven’t heard from Helen in a while. Evan had a little bit of a cold when I left. But yes, if you listen closely you can hear him say Mommy, but he’s struggling with the word Daddy. And we have to keep our eyes glued to him because he’s crawling fast as hell.« Colin smiled and switched his phone so he could show Jen pictures of his almost one year old son.

»I’m sure she would’ve called you if it was something more serious«, Jen tried to calm him down as he was clearly worried.

»That’s what I’m telling myself, too. I’m gonna try to call her again later. Look, Evan and his walk-along puppy; he carries that with him all the time.« His smile widened and Jen could not help but join in.

»Oh my god that’s adorable. My niece had that one too. Aww his little cap!« She had always had a soft spot for children. When her sister gave birth to her daughter, Jen stood by her side and took care of her god-daughter on every occasion. Babysitting was one of her favourite things to do.

Colin showed her a video of his toddler crawling around and pulling his toy puppy on wheels along with him. Helen’s voice in the background told Colin, who was filming his child, that dinner was ready. 

»He is so cute I just wanna cuddle him«, Jen said as she was looking at that toddler and his adorable chubby cheeks.

»Yes he has that effect on people.« Colin laughed a little, almost nostalgic. He must have missed his son like crazy.

»Are you sad because you’re not with your family?« Jen noticed the change of tone in Colin’s words. They spent so much time together she just knew that something was wrong.

»I’m just scared that I miss something. I wanna watch him take his first steps and I wanna help Helen when he starts screaming at night. But that’s the job and I knew what I would be signing up for.« He sounded a bit like he would regret his choice of joining the show and Jen got it.

»For how long did you sign?« Her contract would be ending in April 2017.

»For six seasons, like all of you.«

»Oh okay.« Colin had joined the cast in season two which meant he signed until 2018 and although she did not want to admit it, four more years was still a long time no matter how often he got the chance to go home. During convention season or when they were filming in Vancouver he would barely see his family.

»I love my job, don’t get me wrong. Would be a lot easier without the death threats we’re getting on a daily basis basically«, he said and sounded pretty serious.

»Just don’t read the comments. I avoid that at all costs.« Of course once in a while Jen would see something that she did not like but it did not drag her down anymore. She was not that much of a fan of social media anyways.

»We’re not only getting them through the comments. Some people found out our address and sent Helen letters threatening her.«

»Helen?? Why her?« Colin’s wife had nothing to do with that at it scared Jen that some people were that crazy.

»Haven’t you heard the rumours? Someone found pictures of you and me laughing together and now they think we’re in love. It’s ridiculous. They believe Helen is the reason why we can’t make it official.«

Jen’s stomach dropped for a second. »I… had no idea. I’m sorry.« Her and Colin were literally everything but lovers. They took care of each other and helped when one of them had a hard time with scenes and stuff but all on a friendly, maybe even brotherly basis. Jen meant it when she said that sometimes she felt like the cast was her second family.

»It’s not your fault, Jen.«

It kind of felt like that, though. »Does Helen believe that?« She did not want to be the reason why their beautiful marriage was ruined. Sometimes, when Colin talked about his wife and child, Jen wished there would be someone who talked about her like that. 

»She would never admit that because she knows that it’s a part of an actor’s job to make out with other people on camera. And she always says that she’s happy that you and I get along so well, I don’t know. But I know it gets to her that people insult her and wish for her to die. I mean, she trusts me, but those people really try to ruin that. They make a normal picture of us look like I would confess my love to you or something, totally out of context. I’m sorry I don’t wanna bother you with that. It’s really not your fault.«

»I get that. Maybe you should tell her that I would never, like, hit on you or something.« Her pulse starting racing because she knew there was one option she could ensure Colin that she would never ever try to get involved with him. 

Colin chuckled under his breath. »I know you wouldn’t.« 

»…or on any guy, basically.« People who said that coming out would be a lot less stressful the second time around, lied. Well, maybe it was a little bit easier. Maybe because she knew she did the right thing by saving Colin from a lot of trouble. Jen looked him in the eye and she knew that he got it. »You can tell her that«, she assured him.

»You mean…?« He rose one eyebrow.

»Yeah.« Jen was not comfortable enough to make eye contact again. Her pulse calmed down when she saw Colin smiling from the corner of her eye.

»I didn’t know!«

»Well, no one does. Except for Rose. And… I’d like to keep it that way?«

»Of course.« He paused, like he was struggling to find the right words. »Thanks for telling me.«

 

The elevator doors opened and two formally dressed people entered the lobby. One of them was wearing suit and tie. He had sparse hair and looked like someone Jen did not want to meet at midnight in a lonely alley. Jen had to work with the Public Relations officers from the beginning of this show and quickly figured that they took their jobs very seriously so she knew exactly who that was. She had forgotten his name, though. The woman was new, at least she had never seen her before. She was quite young and her hair was tied back in a straight bun. She greeted Colin and Jen with a handshake an introduced herself as Ms. Patal. They sat down on the sofa across from Jen and Colin.

»Don’t worry, this won’t take long because you have to be at the convention center quite soon. We just wanted to clarify a few things before the panel starts«, Ms Patal said a little more determined than Jen had expected. »First of all: Is there anything you don’t want them to ask at the panel or the interviews afterwards?«

»Well, I’d find it pretty cool if they didn’t ask me about my real life pirate, like this one interviewer did last year.« This was one of the most awkward things that had ever happened to Jen during an interview.

The woman smiled. »Yes, that was not what we had agreed on. We’ve already told them that personal questions are off the table.«

»We’re not allowed to spoil anything so… no spoiler questions?«, Colin suggested; Jen nodding in agreement. 

»Only to a certain level. They will probably ask you what you think is going to happen and you can just say that you don’t know that much yet.« The man whose name Jen had forgotten took a few notes while Ms Patal was talking to them.

»Okay, great«, Colin said.

»So, there are a few things ABC wanted us to talk to you about. The most important thing is that you are not allowed to talk negatively about your characters or the show, no matter your personal opinion. You may not like how your character develops or what the writers are doing with the story and if so, please keep that to yourselves. The actors should always identify with their characters and support the show they’re working for.« Ms Patal was clearly someone who used their hands a lot while explaining something.

»Yeah, we know that. Did something happen?«, Jen asked as those advices came a little out of the blue. They were not newbies or something.

»No, we just wanted to clarify this. We want to use those panels this year to create a larger fanbase for Emma and Hook and their relationship and satisfy those who are already watching for them, so the questions will focus on that. If you see someone who’s dressed up as Captain Hook in the audience, feel free to point that out.« That woman sounded bitter sweet.

»Okay, I can do that«, Jen said and had to stop herself from knitting her brow too hard as she really did not get what was going on and where this certain panic of saying something wrong came from.

»We would like for you to talk about Hook’s redemption because the show wants to portray him rather as a hero than a villain, especially in the next season. And it’s just positive for the show if the actors reflect what the writers want to tell, you know?« She turned to Colin.

»Yes«, Colin said who seemed to not get the point either.

»We talked to Yvette Nicole Brown, who will moderate the panel, and she came up with some pretty good questions about Hook and Emma’s relationship so you have nothing to worry about. Take your time while answering them.«

»Also, there will be no questions about Emma and Regina’s relationship and if people from the audience still ask something along those lines, please make sure your answers are as short as possible. We do not want the show to go into this direction.« The rather sympathetic voice of Ms Patal suddenly turned more and more serious.

That was strange. Especially since those two characters had a huge community behind them supporting them. »What do you mean? They’re the main characters of the show; I think their relationship is very important-«

»You are allowed to have your own opinion, we just want you to not voice that in those panels. It’s not you as a person sitting there, but you as an actress and as such you have to do what it says in your contract. That’s your job.«

Jen was shook. She had never been silenced like this before when it came to interviews. If she were the kind of person who snapped back, she totally would have.

»I agree with you, it is important, but the viewers are already getting the wrong idea and we’re trying to stop that or at least minimise it. You can say that you see Regina as Emma’s best friend or sister. But again it would be better to just avoid talking about that.« Ms. Patal tried very hard to stay friendly.

»What about Lana? Does she know about this?«, Colin asked out of curiosity but Jen got where he came from. It was not a secret that Lana really loved her fans, including those who wanted her character and Emma to become a couple and she did not hesitate to show her support.

»We already informed her about that, yes. Are there any more questions?«, Ms Patal asked looking at Colin and Jen. »Well then, have fun!«

 

And it went exactly as they were promised. Lana was seated on the other side of the table, as far away as possible from Jen and Colin, who were obviously sitting next to each other. Jen felt like she heard the same questions over and over again and she was just glad when she did not have to talk. Having a quick glance at Lana showed her that she was not as excited as normal, either. Which was weird considering that she really loved conventions, probably more than any other cast member did. Jen wondered what they had told her. It was not that Jen did not take her job seriously, she did, but this was a little bit over the top.

 


	8. October 2014

In September Jen had attended New York Fashion Week, which was one of her favourite things to do because she loved fashion so much. She did not when she was a teenager though, but now she realised that is was kind of her thing. Also she had come to the conclusion that she really enjoyed spending time in Vancouver and it sort of became her third home. When she was not busy filming she went on bike trips a lot to explore the beautiful landscape with Rose and her friends, and sometimes her friends from LA came over to join them. Canada was so different from Los Angeles or Chicago but Jen would never want to miss out on that. Even though she kept to herself when it came to her sexuality and she still felt like something was missing in her life, she could say that she was in a good place after all.

The morning before Jen had gone to Steveston for filming again, her doorman called and told her that she had a package even though she had not ordered anything. From the flat box Jen could already tell that it must have been some kind of clothing and she could not have been more excited because she was as obsessed with clothing as little children were with toys. When she opened it she discovered that it was a sweater with a swan wearing a crown on it and a card that told her that this literally was a SwanQueen sweater. Lana had seen it in a store and had sent a photo to Jen with the words »Oh my god, I saw this and thought of you!« and Jen had suggested that they both should get one. Apparently someone had sent them one, because the store only had one extra-small. Jen, who had totally forgotten about that, smiled from ear to ear and tried it on just to discover that it fitted perfectly. Meanwhile Lana texted her that she would wear her’s tonight when she was filming and it was sure as hell that Jen would do so, too. 

Lana already said that she got the smallest size but it still looked a little bit too big on her as she was not as tall as Jen. Still, it was kind of funny to see her wearing the same sweater as Jen. When they had a break during filming Lana asked her if she wanted to come with her to walk her dog who was thrilled to play in the woods.

»Ava would love it here«, Jen said and realised how much she missed going on hikes with her little white lump of wool.

»Why don’t you bring her with you like Bex and I do?« Bex, Lana’s best friend, had a dog almost the size of Jen’s. It was actually pretty cool that dogs were allowed on set. 

»She hates flying. I took her with me once when I visited my parents in Chicago and she was puking during almost the whole flight. She was really anxious and I don’t wanna put her through this again.« Jen remembered how worried she was that Ava might die from dehydration on that plane, but gladly they made it to Chicago and then back to Los Angeles alive and well.

»Oh, I see. I’m not forcing Lola on a plane either unless it’s absolutely necessary«, Lana stated.

Jen picked up a stick and threw it so Lola could bring it back to her. »What are you doing with her when you’re back home?«

»I’m not really living in LA anymore. Most of the time I’m here with Fred and the boys and when I’m in LA for a few days Lola stays here.« She crossed her arms and put her jacket a little tighter around her body.

»So you’re a Canadian now? Don’t you miss the sun?« For Jen, LA was still home and it was weird that they would not be living in the same city anymore.

»No I’m not«, Lana laughed, »I just have more than one home. I miss the sun a little though, but I like snow too, you know. And so does my best little girl«, she said and kneeled down to hug Lola, who placed the stick right before her. »Good girl.«

»My Ava would probably be so scared of Lola. She’s scared of big dogs in general no matter how harmless they are.« Lana probably spent a lot of time with her dog because Lola was well behaved and trained.

»And Lola would try to convince her to play with her anyway because she stays more or less unimpressed when a dog barks at her.« Lana released her dog from her cuddles and gave her a little snack.

»She’s so cute«, Jen said. No matter how much time she spent with Rose she would never let her convince her that Lana was a bad person, because Jen knew better.

When Lola was busy chewing on a treat Lana brought with her, she put out her phone and took a photo with Jen and their iconic sweaters. »We’re like twins. My Evil Regals are gonna love it.« 

»Are we, like, _allowed_ to post this?« Since the lecture they got before Comic Con Jen was more than cautious when it came to posting stuff online.

»It’s our accounts, of course, why shouldn’t we?«

Jen wondered if they gave Lana the same talk as her or a lighter version. »Well, they said no SwanQueen talk. Ever.«

»Yes when we have appearances or panels but what we do in our spare time is none of their business. I don’t think that’s a problem.«

»You’re probably right.« More like Jen wished she was right, but she became pretty suspicious with everything related to the office.

»Also, we don’t actually talk about SwanQueen. It’s just a photo. But if you don’t want me to post it, I can dele-«

»No, it’s okay, I wanna post it, too. I kinda promised it already.«

»I could post it on Instagram and you on Twitter?«, Lana suggested and sent Jen the picture before uploading it to her page.

»Yeah, cool. Thanks.«

Suddenly and without any warning, it started to rain cats and dogs and Jen and Lana started to run back to set as fast as possible without getting too wet as they were supposed to shoot a scene right after break. Lola was the only one who loved the rain. Of course they did not make it back without being completely soaked. They seek shelter under a tent where some of the crew members were waiting for the rain stop, too.

»They’re going to kill us because they have to redo our hair and makeup«, Jen said while desperately trying to dry her hair.

»They will, but at least we won’t die alone«, Lana said jokingly.

»No, we’ll die together.«

Right after Jen said it she was worried that Lana might not get her sense of humor, but instead she chuckled and kneeled down to pet her dog. They were glad to have a roof over their heads, even if it was just a thin tent, while outside the rain was pounding relentlessly in its full force.

 

******

 

»I can’t believe I’m doing this«, Jen mumbled while she was trying to put on the most uncomfortablebut good looking pair of footwear she could find. Rose had dragged her into this and if she was not able to tell when Jen was lying she totally would have come up with an excuse not to go. Normally she would not mind going to a lesbian club even if she was not out yet, but there was this constant paranoia that someone might recognise her because she was a well-known actress nonetheless. Even though she was wearing a wig that turned her into a brunette and clothes that definitely did not belong to her, she still looked like Jennifer Morrison. A weird version, though. She pulled the cap of her jacket down low over her face so the doorman would not wonder what she was up to. It was too late to back out anyway as the taxi was already waiting in front of Jen’s apartment building.

»This is ridiculous«, Jen said as her and Rose were walking into the club. Jen had never been to a gay club before and she quickly realised that it was not so different from any other club after all.

»Come on, it’ll be fun«, Rose answered and ran a hand through her hair.

»Why do you care so much, you’re not even into women.«

»I don’t want it to be too obvious that I’m the straight girl, okay.«

»A little bit more lipstick and high heels and no one will notice«, Jen joked and headed straight towards the bar. This was by far one of the most stressful and yet kind of exciting situations she had ever been in. She ordered shots for her and Rose and downed it in one.

»Relaaax«

»Will you say that tomorrow too when photos of us in a gay club are floating around the internet?« She could already see the headlines right before her very eyes.

»No one knows who we are. And even if they did: can’t people who go to gay bars still be straight?«

»I’m not ready. I’m not ready to come out to the world. I’ll never be ready. My sexuality is nobody’s business.« She nervously looked around, praying not to see a familiar face in here.

»That’s why we’re incognito. You don’t have to come out to anyone, just… have fun? You’ll thank me for this.«

»Yeah i highly doubt that.« Clubbing was so not what Jen did for fun in her spare time. 

»Here, have another drink«, Rose said while sliding another shot towards Jen. »So tell me, what’s your type?«

»I don’t know I think I don’t have a type yet. I’ve never been with a woman.«

»Shocker. But you must’ve liked one in the past right? So are you more into girly or super butch?«

It was kind of cute because it was obvious that Rose had googled the terms. »… I guess. I probably like it when they’re feminine. And brunette. Brunettes are pretty.«

»Okay so I’m gonna go to the bathroom when I come back you’re gonna talk to someone.«

 

»There you go, Miss«, said the bartender, whose lips were pierced multiple times, and gave Jen a cocktail.

»I haven’t ordered anything.«

»Not you, but her«, she said and pointed towards a woman with red curls who was wearing a black leather jacket. She smiled at Jen and seemed like she was waiting for some sort of reaction.

Jen smiled back at her and held the glass in the air as if she was giving a toast. That was probably enough for her to leave her friends behind and make her way up to Jen. 

The woman stood next to her in silence for a moment, smiling at Jen and waiting for her to make the first move. And she did. »Thanks for the drink.«

»You’re welcome. I’m Claire«, she said presenting her hand for a handshake.

»I’m Je- ssica.« Jen took it and hoped that Rose would not crash the conversation by exposing her real name.

»Is the blonde your girlfriend?« Claire had some freckles around her nose which made her appear younger than she probably was. Considering her voice she was most definitely a smoker.

Also, Jen was wondering what her natural hair colour was because no one could be born with chestnut red hair. »God no, she’s my best friend. She’s here with me because she knows I wouldn’t go all by myself.«

»That’s sweet, I thought so. No offence but you can see her heterosexuality from a distance. Are you new in town or just new _here_?« Her eyebrows twitched a little.

»The second one. You’ve been living in Vancouver for long?« Jen could tell by Claire’s accent that she must be from Canada. 

»Born and raised. I own a restaurant down the street«, Claire said pointing over her shoulder. 

Jen was sure that this woman was checking her out. »Oh that’s awesome. I’m from… Chicago.« Los Angeles would have been too obvious as it was the city of stars and that would have led to questions about her career. Jen surprised herself with what a terrible liar she was. How could she possibly be an actress.

»And you came here for work?« Claire did not sound suspicious, but interested.

»Yeah. The girl with the cap, are you a couple?« Jen noticed a group of girls watching them closely.

»Ashley? No, we sleep together occasionally and at some point we tried dating but relationships are just really not my thing, you know?« Claire seemed tough and independent, like that type of woman who got bored when spending too much time with the same person.

»I get it. I’ve… only been in a few, too. With men«, Jen confessed and was sure that Claire would lose interest in her immediately.

»Wait so you’ve never had sex with a woman?«

»No…« It was hard to tell if Claire was judging her or if she was genuinely surprised. Whatever it was, it was enough for Jen’s insecurities to crawl up again, but only for a few seconds.

»Girl you haven’t lived life! It’s the best thing ever. Maybe I can teach you a thing or two about women.« She winked playfully.

Yep, Claire was definitely flirting with her and the weird thing was that Jen felt anything but uncomfortable, despite being inexperienced and maybe a bit prim when people showed interest in her in a romantic or sexual context. But things were about to change right about now. »Bring it.«

The woman put down her drink. »First of all, you need gay friends. We come in flocks. No matter how good of an ally your straight friends are, there are a few things they’ll never understand. And you have to figure out if you’re a top or bottom because two tops or two bottoms just don’t go together.«

»Got it.« Jen was not entirely sure what Claire meant by top and bottom but she was a little too embarrassed to ask as she already came off as a little wet behind her ears anyway.

»The golden rule of lesbianism is: when you want a woman, show her. If she doesn’t want you she’ll tell you. But you’ll never know if a woman is into you if you don’t ask.« 

»Sounds logical. But how do I know if a woman is, you know… gay?« This was evidence that Jen was definitely tipsy because otherwise she would have avoided saying that word out loud at all costs.

»Instinct. But you could also take a look at her fingernails.« Claire took Jen’s hand and held it up in the air. »Someone wants to get laid.«

»I- I don’t, I always have short nails.« Not even a lie.

»Sure.«

»I swear.«

»I’m gonna pretend that I believe you but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have a little fun.« She took another sip from her cocktail and emptied it by doing so. »Okay so the last tip I can’t tell, I can only show.« Claire smiled mischievously.

Jen swallowed hard and collected her thoughts. »Then do it. Show me.« That was the alcohol, and only the alcohol talking.

 

Jen must have been totally crazy to just go home with some random stranger she met in a lesbian bar not even an hour ago. She had texted Rose what she was about to do as she could not find her back in the club and she seemed to be just as excited. Somehow Jen had expected Claire to live in a small apartment, or in a bigger one with some roommates, but she was proven wrong. In reality, Claire was living in a large penthouse with floor-to-ceiling windows, artsy decor, and view over the city. While they were in the elevator Jen was too busy with not making the situation awkward so she did not actually count the floors but they must be pretty high up. 

»Cider?«, Claire asked after she took Jen’s jacket.

»Yes, please.« Jen walked up to the windows to observe Vancouver by night. »I’m impressed, your apartment is awesome. Love the view.« She was also glad for the distraction so she could down her cider before things would be getting serious.

»Is your friend upset because you left with me?« Claire sat down on the sterile grey sofa and indicated to Jen to do the same.

»No, I don’t think so. I guess that’s kinda what she was hoping for.« The sofa was as uncomfortable as it looked, like she was the first person sitting on it. It was most likely just an expensive brand because those were the least comfy ones.

»What a lovely friend«, Claire said sarcastically.

»She is, she really is. She just doesn’t understand when I tell her that I’m not fully comfortable with this lesbian thing yet. She thinks it’s super easy but it’s not.« Deep inside she knew that she needed that little push. 

»You could use a little more confidence though. You’re hot. Women would throw themselves at you if you’d let them.«

Jen laughed because she did not believe her at all, but she still felt flattered that Claire tried to make her feel better and to boost her confidence.

»I’m serious and believe me I know what I’m talking about.« She placed her arms on the back of the sofa.

»How was it for you?« After Jen had come out to herself she had googled and had found a lot of stories, but it was different hearing it from someone in person.

»I came out when I was fifteen years old and my parents kicked me out. Since then I’ve been living on my own and honestly I can say that I’ve done pretty well without them«. Claire said and emptied her glass of cider like this was totally normal information.

»Oh my god I’m so sorry…« Jen had thought about this a lot. She was way too old to be kicked out of her parent’s house but they could still disown her and never talk to her again. Of course this was the worst scenario possible but it came up to her whenever she thought about this.

»Don’t be, it was for the best. If they don’t love me for who I am then I don’t want their help or money or anything. Look at me: I live in a cool apartment, I have great friends who are also my family, I own a restaurant, or multiple to be correct, and I have gorgeous women who keep me company from time to time. Do you think that would’ve happened if i had kept my mouth shut, hid who I was, and stayed with my parents?«

»Probably not. I’m glad you made the right choice back then.« If Jen had known about her sexuality in her teenage years she would have never said a word about it considering how much of a coward she had been and sometimes still was.

»Me too. Otherwise I wouldn’t have a hot brunette like you sitting on my couch right now.«

Jen had almost forgotten that she was wearing a wig. Claire was making eye contact with her while the corner of her mouth turned up almost as if she knew what Jen was thinking about. Without any warning Claire’s placed her hand on Jen’s jeans and opened the button without even using the other one. 

»No need to be nervous, Jessica.«

It helped being called by the wrong name. It helped Jen to calm down. »I’ve never done this before.«

»You said so.«

»No, not just the woman thing… also the going-home-with-a-stranger thing. Sex with someone I’m not actually with.« At this point she did not care anymore if Claire thought she was a total nerd. Talking about that stuff made her a lot more comfortable in her own skin.

»I won’t be that much of a stranger anymore as soon as i had my hands inside you, won’t I?« She was confident, and Jen kind of liked it.

»That’s true.« This woman knew how to flirt and how to get what she wanted. A quality Jen wished she had, too. 

»Just relax«, Claire said while her fingers were dancing on top of Jen’s panties. »And pay attention so you learn something.« She winked.

Her hand disappeared in Jen’s underwear and it felt oddly satisfying. Much softer and smoother than with guys and Claire seemed to know exactly what she was doing. It was not until now that Jen realized how much her cheeks were glowing. 

»Every woman is different but you should never put your fingers, or anything really, inside her when she’s not _ready_.« Her fingers travelled up and down until they stopped at one particular spot and circled it playfully. »Does that feel good?«

»Mh-hm«, Jen said while she was fighting the urge to close her eyes. She did not want to lose control over herself.

»I thought so. And what about this?« Claire added a little more pressure.

»I- I like that.« It surprised herself how much a tiny bit more pressure could do to her. Her pulse started racing and she already struggled with heavy breathing.

»When you haven’t slept with a woman before you should always start with what feels good to you. It’s quite likely that she’s into it, too. So no matter how inexperienced you are, you’re never reallycompletely clueless.«

Jen’s hips were slowly rocking back and forth, seeking some friction. She did not care anymore how desperate she must have looked. If she did not get what she wanted she would go insane. No one had touched her down there in quite a while and she had no idea that it could actually feel this good to be touched by someone.

»That for example is a good sign. It means she enjoys what you’re doing.« Claire’s voice was almost like a whisper.

»What- comes next?«, Jen asked impatiently. Sex meant giving up control and she was ready to do so.

»You’re ready, I see.« Claire readjusted herself on the sofa so she could take a better look at the woman sitting next to her.

»Y-yes I am.« 

»At first try one finger, like this.« 

Jen pressed her lips together as she wanted to avoid releasing a moan. But she could not manage to keep her eyes open any longer.

»And then you can insert another one. Now you just have to keep going until you find the right spot.«

It took either an embarrassing short amount of time to get there or Claire was just pretty good at this. Nevertheless, Jen had never thought it would be this satisfying. She became nervous again when Claire offered her to practice what she just learned on her, but she did it anyway. Something inside of her was incredibly proud when she found the right spot, not immediately but it did not take her that long either, and managed to hold on even though her hand started to cramp. In her mind she took notes about working out more. It was also pretty easy to tell when Claire was finished and when was the right time for Jen to remove her fingers again.

When Jen found herself in the elevator on her way down she was smiling uncontrollably as she did something she never thought she would be brave enough for. Also, Claire gave her her phone number and offered her to take her with her on trips with her friends so Jen finally had some gay friends. People might say leaving an apartment after an one night stand is a walk of shame, but for Jen it was the other way around.


	9. March 2015

The mood amongst the cast was rather bad that morning. Jen, Colin, Lana, and Josh were about to give an interview for »Good Morning America«, but none of them seemed to be excited about it. Jen could not be bothered either as she was busy trying not to throw up. Her migraines were at its worst this morning and there was nothing she could do about it but to pull through. The only one who was happy to be there was Colin, as his wife and son would soon be living with him for the time he was filming in Vancouver, which meant he would no longer miss out on family time.

Before they would be going on air, someone from the crew came to talk to them about where they should sit and what they should and should not say. He said he had gotten the information from ABC, but Jen had already thought so. 

Nobody said a word when the man had left, until Josh broke the silence. »That’s just plain stupid.« Jen was kind of in shock as she had never heard him talk like that. He was one of the few people who still loved working for them. At least it had seemed like it.

»I’m sorry but it really is. I’ve never worked for a show that cared so much about who sits next to whom. What do they expect? If I sit next to Colin, will people start _shipping_ us and therefore destroy their concept? Why is it so damn important to them? It’s ridiculous.« When even Josh was fed up things were serious.

Jen knew she should just shut up and continue to play her role, but for some reason this had become extremely difficult. She had learned a lot about TV and media representation in the past weeks, even months, and pretending to be somewhat blind towards these issues had become an almost impossible task. »It’s actually not that dumb. Media has been used to manipulate people for decades, you know. I think this is about more than shipping or whatever. They want the audience to see what they see and leave no room for interpretation and it works for the majority of people because that’s how media works. Especially TV. Shows are a more or less a reflection of real life so by introducing concepts and world views in shows, producers help to create and shape the viewer’s worldview.« At that point Jen realized that she read far too much about this topic on the internet. Since she had become friends with Claire and hung out with her and her friends from time to time, she became more aware of how terribly the LGBTQ+ community was being treated and how far from equality they really were. And yes, it started with representation. She tried to sound as casual as possible, though.

»Wow you thought about this a lot, haven’t you?«, Josh asked.

Jen hoped she did not come off as too passionate about that topic. »It’s marketing and as I’m kinda used as a tool for this yes, I’ve thought about it.« It was normal for an actress to do press and PR, but she had never been this restricted when it came to what she was allowed to say and what not.

»But do you think it’s right?«, Colin asked.

»I’m not in the position to judge as long as I’m supporting it and I do support it by still being in this business. And normally I don’t have a problem with it but when people are being treated poorly because of that I feel conflicted. Our SwanQueen community, for example«, Jen turned to Lana, »They’ve been here since Season one and now that the creators realized that they made a mistake they try to undo it by denying it’s existence. There’s already little to no representation for queer people on TV, no wonder that they still feel like they don’t belong.« Jen could feel the heat in her cheeks, because that topic hit a little too close to home. Thank god she had already gotten her makeup done so no one would see it. Her heart broke a little whenever she met fans who wanted to talk to her about SwanQueen and she had to turn them down. But she had built up these walls around her that prevented her from taking things too personally. She was always trying to keep fan encounters as brief as possible because she did not want to give too much away. 

»Well, I think it’s a bit of an exaggeration to say that ABC disrespects gay people, I mean, Once Upon A Time is still just a TV show«, Josh argued. 

»So you think it’s fair that they use the gay for baiting but don’t find it good enough to be a part of the actual show?«, Lana jumped in and furrowed her brow. Of course she would be on Jen’s side on this. She was a huge LGBTQ+ advocate and she almost never missed an important event. Somehow Lana was still a mystery for Jen. She just could not make head or tail of her actions and she stopped trying to before it would be eating her alive.

»I didn’t say that, I just think we shouldn’t blame television for all the injustice in the world«, Josh defended himself.

»I’m not saying television is the reason for injustice, but I’m blaming television for not trying to change that and to use its potential to fight for justice and equality.« Jen struggled with holding herself back and not going full-blown social-justice-warrior mode on Josh like she did when she was with Claire and her friends. All in all they had been a good influence on her, but it was hard at times to shut down the little feminist she had become.

»And you’re absolutely right, Jen. But you know what happens when you voice that in public, right?«, Lana asked.

»Yes, I’ll lose my job. That’s why I don’t say anything but it really does bother me. I’ve never been treated like this on any job, to be honest.« Whenever she was called into the office of Ms Patal she felt like she needed to hit something. They treated her like a puppet and as Jen had signed the contract a few years ago, they were allowed to do so. The constant pounding in her head reminded her that she really should ease up.

»Two more years«, Lana muttered under her breath.

»You won’t sign for more seasons?« The thought of Once Upon A Time ending had crossed her mind several times but always with mixed feelings. On the one hand she would be free again, could be herself in public, ready to face new projects, but on the other hand she would miss her colleagues a lot and probably never get the chance to work with people like them ever again. She questioned a lot if being an actress still was something she wanted to do. Lately she enjoyed directing much more than acting.

»I don’t know yet. I’m not even sure if there will be more seasons. What about you guys?«, Lana asked.

»If Helen likes it in Vancouver and we decide to stay there then yes, maybe. It’s still very well paid and I have to take care of my family, as stupid as it sounds.« 

Jen was not surprised; Colin had always been worried about what would come after Once Upon A Time. He was well-known in theatre but not so much on television.

»Ginny plans on staying home with the kids for a while and I hope to get casted for a show that films in Los Angeles so I can be with them as often as I can«, Josh said and smiled at that thought.

  
A lanky guy came into the lunch room and interrupted their conversation by saying that they were ready to go to the studio. Even though it was not time for their interview yet, they were encouraged to wait in the official press room that consisted almost entirely of windows so fans could watch them from outside. The studio, where they would film the interview, was open as well. These circumstances made the situation far more stressful for Jen, who had already been feeling sick the entire day.

Jen excused herself and promised to be right behind them but she had to use the bathroom first. She could not handle the headache any longer and neither did her stomach. With weakness in her knees she made her way to the bathroom, almost failed to open the lit before she could see the breakfast she had not had this morning right before her very eyes. She was barely even able to flush it before the room started spinning and Jen sat down on the floor and let her back rest against the wall. Why did this keep happening to her? Right before she could see properly again, she had to throw up again and almost did not hear the soft knock on the bathroom door.

»Jen? Are you okay?«, Lana asked, almost whispered. But maybe it just sounded like a whisper because Jen’s ears were pounding like crazy.

»Yesimfine«, she slurred. »It’s just my headaches.«

»No, you’re not fine, you turned as white as a sheet in there. Do you need anything? I’ll go get you something to drink, hold on.«

Jen could hear the footsteps when Lana left the room and came back only a few seconds later. She tapped with her knuckles on the door again to let Jen know that she was there. »I brought you some water and some aspirin.«

»Thankyou. Can you slide it under the door?«, Jen asked and put her hand on the floor where Lana could see it.

»Sure. Should I tell them that you’re not feeling well? I’m sure they’ll understand-«

»No, I’ll be better in a few minutes.« Jen took the aspirin and drank as much water as her stomach could handle at the moment. It was not a lot, but apparently enough for the medicine to absorb into her blood.

»You should get this checked out.« 

The concern in Lana’s voice gave Jen a fuzzy feeling. Despite the fact that she had friends and family, there were not a lot people who cared about her enough to get worried when Jen was not feeling well. »I’ve seen so many doctors but there is no real cure for migraines.«

»Do you have this often? Headaches so painful that you have to throw up?«

»I’ve had it a lost worse, actually. It’s okay, really, it’s always gone the next day. It just sucks when I have work to do because I can’t concentrate.« It was the worst when she got it with a full day of filming ahead. Luckily this had happened only once or twice during her career.

»No one would be mad at you if you cancelled this.«

»I don’t wanna cancel it, it’s only a five minute interview, I can do it. But you should go, you don’t have to be late too because of me.« Jen hated to impede people from stuff they wanted to do. There was no point for them both to miss the press talk before the interview.

»But maybe I want to.«

»You wanna be late?«

»No, but I want to stay with you because you’re not feeling well. I’m a nice person, you know.«

Jen chuckled. »Yes you are.« She took a deep breath and somehow managed to stand up. The dizziness made her hold onto the doorknob for a moment, before she opened the door and leaned against the frame. »Thanks.«

»Anytime. You gotta fix your makeup, though.« Lana fished out a tissue from her purse and put one finger under Jen’s chin to keep her head in place. Jen stiffened, fighting the images about what happened a few years ago that kept popping up in her head. It was the past and it better stayed there. While Lana was wiping away the mascara from under Jen’s eyes, Jen tried her best not to inhale too deeply. Or to look at her too much. It was hard though as her face was so mesmerizing it was almost impossible to ignore. She smelled Lana’s hairspray but it was not unpleasant at all. 

When Lana had finished, Jen wanted to break the awkward silence so desperately that she said the first thing that came to her mind. »I love your dress by the way.«

»Thanks, I love yours too. It’s very Jennifer.«

»What’s that supposed to mean?« Jen looked down on herself as if she had forgotten what dress she was wearing. It was a loose-sitting, blueish one and Jen liked it very much.

»You have good taste. It’s a compliment.« Lana said politely and touched her upper arm. Jen could tell that she was more or less laughing at her social awkwardness on the inside.

»Oh uhm thank you«, Jen answered and straightened her dress as it was a little bit wrinkly from sitting on the floor. 

»You’re welcome. You ready to go in there?«

»Yeah I think I am. Let’s get this over with.«


	10. June 2015

It scared Jen a bit that she was looking forward to seeing Lana again. All this time she had tried to convince herself that she looked forward to convention season, when in reality it was Lana she wanted to see. Of course it was also nice to engage with fans, but mostly Jen felt uncomfortable because she never knew what to say. To her, they were normal people like her and it felt weird that they wanted to meet her so bad when she really was not someone special. 

However, when Jen had arrived at her hotel in Paris one day early to explore the city, she noticed that she was not the only one who had this idea. A certain brunette was standing in the lobby, a little lost, wearing a plain white shirt and hiding herself behind a pair of sunglasses. If Jen had not known exactly what she looked like she would not have recognised her. As usual, all the actors who would attend the convention were staying at the same hotel. After Jen checked in, she walked up to Lana, who looked like she was in quite a bad mood surrounded by suitcases that were far too many to be all her’s. That was why Jen hesitated to say »Hi« at first but then decided to do it anyway as it would be awkward not to say anything at all.

»For how long are you staying? Three weeks?«, she asked jokingly well aware that this could backfire when Lana was pissed. Jen had seen her snapping at people when it was too early in the morning or too late at night, when she was hungry or feeling unwell. Most of the time she was a sweetheart, though.

Instead of going off on her, Lana smiled softly and propped her sunglasses on her head. »It’s not all my luggage; most of it belongs to Fred and the boys. They’re trying to check us in but something went wrong with the reservation.«

»Oh, I’m sorry. But it’s nice that they came with you.« Jen glanced over to the check-in counter, where Fred was discussing vividly with the hotelier. 

»Yeah Fred got the boys a deal with a producer who lives in Paris«, she explained.

The oldest of them was laying on one of the sofas, trying to sleep. Jen knew Jack because he had played a supporting role on Once Upon A Time for a few episodes. He had not been a bad actor at all. »Cool, are they in a band or something?«

»Yes and they’re all so talented. This might be a great opportunity for them.«

Jen could tell that Lana was incredibly proud of her stepsons by the way she talked about them and supported them as much as she could. »I bet. So what are you doing today then?«

Lana put away the phone she was holding onto. »I’m not sure yet, I-«

»We have our rooms now, Honey, they fixed it«, Fred interrupted and wrapped one arm around Lana’s waist. He kissed Lana’s cheek, who did not seem that amused. »Jen, how are you? You’re early, too.«

»I’m good, I wanted to go to the city before con starts«, Jen explained herself. Her heart ached a little at the image of Fred and Lana together, side by side. Almost as if someone would pull at it like it was a puppet on a string. She realised how long it had been since the last time she talked to Fred.

»You should do that, Paris is beautiful«, Fred said.

»I know, I’ve been here before.« Jen stayed polite, not wanting him to know what was really going on inside of her.

»Dad, can you give us the key pleaseeee, I have to pee!«, the youngest of the siblings asked and looked at Fred with puppy eyes. It must be stressful at the Di Blasio/Parrilla household with three teenagers and a famous stepmom.

»Wait let me help you with the suitcases. Also, who wants the single room?«, Fred asked and held up the room keys.

While Fred was busy with his sons, Jen turned to Lana. This was probably the last chance to talk to her in private as her husband would probably not leave her side the whole weekend. »In case you wanna join me, I’ll be downstairs in an hour«, she said without having much hope that Lana would actually join her. Whatever, she did not even want her to come with her.

 

With fresh clothes (she made sure that her outfit was »very Jennifer«), and packed with a little bag, Jen found herself in the lobby, ready for sightseeing and maybe a little bit of shopping. It was a sunny day, perfect weather conditions for a city trip. Jen had always enjoyed her time in Paris. Someone was missing, though. 

A little bit disappointed, Jen was making her way towards the exit, while the elevator door opened and Lana came running after her. »Wait! Sorry I’m late, I felt awful and had to take a shower first. The flight was the worst.«

Jen grinned. »You have to stop doing that.«

»Doing what?«, Lana asked innocently.

»Using quotes from the show in real life.«

»I didn’t- oh. It wasn’t on purpose, I swear.«

No one loved their character as much as Lana loved Regina. She was the one who remembered almost every line she had ever said. When she was shooting a scene it was wrapped pretty quickly, because most of the time she was so prepared that she almost never messed up. »Sure«, Jen said ironically.

They decided to take a cab to the city, so they would not be surprised by fans when they traveled with public transport. Also, Jen hated subways and busses with a burning passion. They were always way too crowded for her liking. Jen panicked for a sec when the radio played „Heroes“ by David Bowie, but Lana just commented that this song was still her favourite before they dropped the subject. Jen made sure that Lana was not paying attention because she was busy looking at her phone before she caught a glance at her. Her outfit was simple, jeans paired with a green top, and still, she looked graceful. Also, she had put her hair in a little high pony tail, which made her look so adorable. Jen hated herself for her thoughts because she knew she should not be thinking about the way Lana looked. In fact, she should not be thinking about her at all.

The cab stopped at one of the best shopping streets Paris had to offer and Jen could already feel the rush of excitement as she saw the designer boutiques with their best outfits displayed in the windows. Three photos with fans later, they were walking down the street chatting about their flights and their past convention experiences, until Jen saw a dress that caught her immediate attention.

»Look at that«, she said without even trying to hide her excitement. »It’s an Oscar de la Renta, it’s beautiful. Look at the colours!«

»Oscar de what?«, Lana asked genuinely confused. She probably would not have expected Jen to be that into fashion.

»It’s a designer. One of my favourites, in fact.« Jen already owned some of his dresses and she always felt pretty comfortable in them.

»Well, go in and get it«, Lana said as if this was a cup of coffee or something.

»I can’t just walk in there and buy that dress.«

»Why not?«

»It’s the new collection and kinda expensive, I have to think about it.« She could order it online if she decided to buy it. Maybe her favourite store back home already had the new collection.

»Are you telling me that you don’t have money for a dress?«

»Of course I do but I feel weird spending money on stuff like that just because. I wasn’t raised that way.« In fact, her parents always got rather angry at Jen when she threw her money out the window for stuff she did not really need. Back in school she would hide new pieces of clothing from them because she was tired of hearing their lectures.

»You’ve worked hard to afford the lifestyle you’re living; it’s perfectly fine to spend a little money on things that make you happy. And if it’s an Oscar del Rent dress then go for it.« Lana was gesturing with her hands while talking.

»It’s Oscar _de la Renta_. Well, I could try it on. Maybe it won’t fit anyway.« A part of her was counting on it.

»Yes get in there«, Lana said and shoved Jen through the door.

A very tall lady wearing a black silk dress greeted them friendly and showed Jen where she could find the dress she saw in the window. It was indeed pretty expensive and at first Jen did not even dare to look at the price tag. Normally she bought dresses like this only for special occasions; when she had to attend a red carpet event or was invited to a fancy dinner with important people. She never bought a designer dress just for fun. 

The fitting room was ridiculously big and decorated with flowers and paintings like it was a living room or something. It was nothing new for Jen, but it was new that she was not alone. She put on the dress with the floral pattern very carefully and held it in place as it was not possible to reach back and close the zip by herself. It was not skintight, more loose and flowing. She looked in the mirror, turned around a few times, before Lana insisted on her coming out so she could see the dress, too.

»Can I help you, Miss?«, asked the saleslady with a French accent and helped Jen close her dress. Now she could tell that this dress fit her perfectly.

»What do you think?«, she asked Lana who was sitting on a stool holding Jen’s purse.

»It really does suit you. I love the florals.« She stood up and walked towards Jen to feel the fabric of her dress. »It’s very…«

»Jennifer?«

»Yes, that it is.« She was smiling but Jen could not really tell why.

»Do you think I should buy it?« Jen would have lied if she had said that she did not care about Lana’s opinion.

»Of course! Look at you. You’re beaming.« Lana took a few steps backwards to look at Jen from afar.

It made Jen blush, but she did not show. »So if someone asks why i bought a $3000 dress, I blame it on you.«

»I’m okay with that.«

 

Before they went on with sightseeing, they stopped at an ice cream shop to get some ice cream as Lana fancied one.

»We should’ve done it vice versa. Sightseeing first and then shopping.«, Lana said as she carried a shopping bag with two pairs of shoes she found in a boutique with her. They had spent an hour in that store because Lana could not decide which one to take, so she ended up buying both.

»Yeah but the Eiffel Tower looks so pretty during sunset«, Jen said, forever impressed by that huge steel construct. Although she had some not so pleasant memories that involved unwanted proposals of that place, she still loved it here.

»The line isn’t even that long«, Jen said as they were walking closer. »Last time i was here we were queuing for ages.«

»Wait, you wanna go up there?«, Lana asked while eating the last bit of ice cream that was left in her little bowl. 

»Of course; it’s the best part of Paris.« It was also dead ass romantic to look at Paris’ skyline but that was not the point here. 

»Okay, have fun, I’ll wait here«, Lana said confidently, looking for a free bench.

»Oh come on, you have to come with me!« Jen was pretty sure she was just joking or something.

»Nope, sorry, I’m out. There’s no way in hell I’ll go up there.«

»Are you kidding? You’ve been to Paris before, right? And you have _never_ been up the Eiffel Tower??« Jen was genuinely surprised as she thought Lana was someone that took some risks from time to time and was always looking for adventure.

»No and I’d like to keep it that way.«

»Are you scared or something??«

»I’m afraid of heights, okay. Especially when it’s all unstable like this. I feel dizzy just thinking about it.«

That was… adorable. »The Eiffel Tower has been around for centuries, Lana, it won’t crash today.«

»You don’t know that.«

»Oh you’re so coming with me«, Jen said because she did not want Lana to miss out on that experience. That woman went to the craziest vacation destinations and was afraid of the Eiffel Tower?

»No please, I don’t wanna.«

»Nothing is gonna happen to you, I promise. Just… hold on to me and I’ll keep you from falling over.«, Jen joked as if it was a real possibility that someone could just fall from the Eiffel Tower. She hoped he had not scared Lana even more, though.

»Haha, funny«, Lana said, eyeing the queue sceptically.

»We don’t have to go to the top, only the first platform maybe?« She would not have pushed her but she just knew that Lana would not regret joining her.

It took her a moment to answer. »… okay fine. But we’re taking the elevator!! The stairs are way too open and too close to the edge.«

»Deal.«

Everything was fine when they were queueing, and even then when they were standing in the crowded elevator, but as soon as they took the first step outside Lana accepted the offer and grabbed Jen’s arm. Jen felt bad as she saw how terrified she was. 

»Tell me if it’s too much for you, okay?«

»I’m an adult, I can handle it«, Lana snapped but still did not let go of Jen’s arm.

»Woah«, Jen said as she looked over Paris bathed in golden and pink light. After she took it in for a few moments, she put out her phone to take a photo of the view. »What do you think?«, she asked Lana, who was just standing there without moving an inch.

»It’s beautiful.«

»Come here, let me take a photo of you and your first time on the Eiffel Tower«, Jen said and gently pulled Lana around so her back faced the view. Right when Jen released the shutter, a gust of wind swept by and completely messed up Lana’s hair. Some strands fell out of her pony tail and she struggled to keep them from covering her face entirely. Lana started laughing and so did Jen as she saw the photo she took of her.

»Don’t you dare post this!«, Lana said without actually making it sound like a threat.

»I won’t. Don’t wanna get in trouble again«, Jen replied, still giggling.

»Again? Did they call you out on that photo with the sweaters?«, Lana asked, suddenly dead serious.

»No big deal, really. They let me keep it up but told me not to post something like that again.« Actually, Jen had been called in the next day and had to sit through a lecture from her PR managers for over an hour until they had finally let her go. They had tried to teach her about the importance of social media, bla bla bla. If it had not been for her job Jen would have deleted her Instagram account in an instant. 

»If I had known you would get in trouble for that, I-«

»It’s _okay_. I don’t care about them. Soon I’ll be directing my own stuff and won’t have to be their toy anymore.« Jen tried to avoid eye contact by focusing on the sunset. 

»Do you hate it on set that much?«, Lana asked, trying to bring her tousled hair under control.

»Not on set. I don’t hate the cast, I don’t hate _you,_ but…«, Jen paused for a moment to find the right words, »but I’m not as passionate about acting as I used to be. It’s time for me to try something new and I’m just really into directing lately.«

»I could see you as a director. Director Morrison«, Lana said in a disguised voice.

»Don’t mock me.«

»I’m not mocking you, I’m serious. I can tell that you don’t really like where they’re going with your character.«

»I’m really trying to be professional but come on, some scenes are just ridiculous. Don’t tell them, though.« Sometimes, when Jen got the script, she cringed a little. She respected Adam and Eddy’s work a lot, but sometimes she wondered if they really wrote that or let someone else do the work.

»I won’t, I promise. I’m kinda with you on that one«, Lana smiled bitterly.

»I thought maybe things would change in season five. I gotta admit that I’m excited for playing the Dark Swan.« She already spent her days prepping for that because she wanted to give it her best shot.

»Oh yes I bet this is going to be interesting to play. Especially for you, since Emma had been on the good side for four seasons. I’m experienced in that field, you know. If you need any help, let me know«, Lana offered and it was kind of sweet.

»Yeah«, Jen said, unwillingly looking at Lana’s hand laying right next to her’s on the handrail. When Jen reminded herself that she would never be allowed to hold it, her stomach clenched. »Are you happy with Fred?«, she asked, fully aware of the fact that this came out of the blue.

Instead of continue to enjoy the view, Lana turned towards her and knitted her brow. »… I think I am. Yes.«

Jen swallowed and nodded. »Then I’m happy for you.« She really wanted to ask about the wedding,how it was and if it had gone the way they had planned, but she could not. It was already enough that the media described their relationship as a fairytale come true. And Jen really was happy for her. In fact, there was nothing she wanted more than for Lana to live a life full of joy and love, because that was what she deserved. But when she looked at her, at her smile and the way her eyes sparkled, Jen felt nothing but pain. She would walk through life forever looking for someone like Lana. Because no matter the circumstances, she was hopelessly in love with her. Deep down she knew it was more of a »still« than a »again«.

»Thank you. I’m really excited to be a mother someday. Like, I’m already a stepmother, but I can’t wait to raise a child.«, Lana said staring dreamily off into the sunset.

»Yeah«, Jen stuttered. »But it’ll probably never happen for me.«

»No, don’t say that. You’ll find someone, too, I’m sure.« Lana said, grinning mischievously, »Let’s go up to the top.«

»You sure? You know that last platform is unsteady because of the wind, right?«

»Oh, are you scared now?«, Lana teased.

»Never.« Jen was not stupid. She knew that spending time with Lana would hurt her even more at this point, but she could not stop. She needed this.

On this day, she had more fun than ever. And even at convention, when they were not alone anymore, Jen found herself looking for Lana’s presence. It was not healthy, it was not good, and Jen knew she had to let go at some point. Not now, though.

 


	11. July 2015

»Honestly, not another round«, Taylor begged and denied the plate Claire was offering her.»My stomach can’t take it anymore.« 

Claire had invited some friends over because she needed them as guinea pigs for trying some new dishes she wanted to add to the menu of her restaurant. Jen was glad she was invited, because lately she enjoyed everything that distracted her from drowning in her own thoughts for a few hours.

»This is the last one, I promise. I need to figure this out«, Claire explained, forcing the plate on Taylor’s lap.

»Your menu is fine, everybody loves it. Why can’t you just leave everything like it was?«, Ashley said, forcing another spoon of whatever that was down her throat.

»Because I wanna try something new, Jesus«, Claire defended herself, tasted her own dish, and shuddered in disgust.

Jen could not really tell what it was. It looked like some sort of expensive fish. By the look on Taylor’s and Claire’s faces she could tell that it was not as delicious as it was supposed to be. »I liked the first one.«

»Me too«, Ashley said, »What was that? Spareribs?«

»Rack of lamb, dumbass«, Claire said and dabbed Ashley’s cap. 

»Jess, you’ve been hanging with us for quite some time now, don’t you think you can trust us enough to show us your real identity?«, Ashley asked casually, offering Jen her plate with the food on it.

She gladly denied as her stomach had churned from hearing that question. »What makes you think I pretend to be someone else?«

»We’ve all seen House«, Ashley mumbled and earned a dig with the elbow from Taylor, who was sitting next to her on the sofa.

»Subtle, Ash, real subtle«, Claire said in a strict tone and gave Ashley the evil eye.

»What? Why should we pretend not to know who she is? It makes no sense.« It was obvious that Ashley was not trying to be offensive. 

»We’ve all agreed to give her the time she needs!«, Claire said and placed her plate on the coffee table.

»You had your fingers in her vagina, I guess she knows that she can trust us by now«, Ashley said almost angrily. 

Jen almost choked on her soda. Even though it was no secret that Claire and her had gotten a little intimate that one time, Jen was not used to people saying stuff like that out loud. She did not hate it, though, because it added it a little bit of normality to it.

»I’m sorry, Jess, we’ve all been there and we accept that you’re not ready to come out. We just want you to know that you don’t have to hide when you’re with us. You can be yourself.« Claire’s attempt to calm Jen down was successful. In fact, Jen had planned on telling them the truth anyway. Maybe not on that day, but very soon.

»Look, we know you’re a celebrity and you’re afraid that we tell the press or something, but you really don’t have to be. We would never betray you like that«, Ashley said and placed a hand on Jen’s shoulder.

»Guys, you’re right. You’re absolutely right and I appreciate that you haven’t pushed me. It’s not that I’m scared of people knowing that I’m gay. I’m not fully confident with that either, but it’s more about my job, you know. I suppose they would not be happy about that.« They would probably sue her and win the case because of the damn contract Jen wished she would never had signed. She tried to make the best out of this situation by playing it funny. She took of her wig in slow motion. »Guys - I have a confession to make. I am Jennifer Morrison«, she said overdramatically, so her friends bursted out into laughter.

»No _way_ «, Taylor said and pretended to be in shock. »I _never_ would’ve guessed that!«

»I know, I know. I hid it pretty well«, Jen said ironically. She did not put that much effort into hiding her identity. 

Ashley put a hand on Jen’s shoulder. »We’re proud of you.«

»Since when did you know?«, Jen asked, genuinely curious. The doubt of Claire only introducingher to her friends because of who she was to the public eye was spreading, but Jen managed to keep it under control. Those women were one of the kindest and welcoming people she had ever met.

»Well, when we were in the club i had no idea, to be honest«, Claire admitted, »but after you came with us for the first time Taylor said you reminded her of that girl from House, so we looked it up.«

»Should’ve gone for a red wig«, Jen admitted. For the first season on House, her character had had brown hair, too.

»Do you regret joining our little squad?«, Claire asked and everyone went silent.

Except for Jen, who almost laughed at how ridiculous that question was. »How could I regret this? I have so much fun with you guys and I learn a lot.«

»Yeah, like, how to finger a girl«, Ashley joked and high fived with Claire, who looked pretty proud of herself.

» _That_ was certainly not what I meant!!«, Jen tried to defend herself, but also grinned because it was kind of true.

»Suuure«, Ashley said and winked.

After that, the girls decided to watch a movie together and chat a little, because no one was in the mood for clubbing. That night Jen learned that Claire, who had claimed not to fall in love ever, had a thing for a guest that came into her restaurant the other day. Apparently she had a husband, but Ashley was convinced she could still be a bisexual. Jen hoped so, because she wished for Claire, who really was a good person, to find someone she could share her life with.

 

******

 

At fourth of July, a holiday Jen usually spent with her family, she decided to throw a little party at her house in Los Angeles. Her parents were on holiday on a cruise ship, so the family get-together got cancelled this year. It was okay, even though Jen would have loved to see her little niece again.

Instead, she had invited some of her friends from Los Angeles, her closest friends Colleen and Monica, some crew members who were in LA at that time, and Rose, because she had never celebrated Fourth of July. Unfortunately, Claire and her friends could not fly over because they had to work. Jen’s house ended up being full of people, and she had to admit that she enjoyed it, even though she did not even know some of them. Her friends helped her lighting up the barbecue in the garden and a few guys were experimenting with the fireworks. There would be a big one at night, and everybody planned on going down to the beach to watch it.

»I should become a full-time American for this. This is awesome«, Rose said while she was cutting a zucchini in half.

»Wait until the election next year. This could be a total disaster«, Jen’s friend Colleen said and helped her by washing the tomatoes. »I’m already googling to which country I could move.«

»Canada is a good place to stay«, Jen suggested and opened the fridge to take out the meat she hadalready prepared. It was by far not enough for everyone, but most of the guests brought their own stuff with them.

»I know right, I should come over more often. Love the nature.«

»You’re welcome anytime.« Since Paris, Jen was barely even at home anymore. She either hung out at Claire’s or at work, because she tried to avoid being alone with herself. It was almost like she feared being all by herself, because then she would have to deal with her feelings she preferred to push aside.

»As soon as I get vacation from work, I’ll fly over«, Colleen promised.

Jen grabbed the plates with the vegetables and the spare ribs to carry them outside, so she could put them on the barbecue. Right as she put down the plates, she received a text from Ginny. Jen had texted her this morning to invite her and Josh to the party and she had almost forgotten about it. She opened the message and as soon as she did that, she wished she would not have.

»Hey, thanks for inviting us! We would love to come, but unfortunately we can’t. We have to attend the pregnancy announcement party of a certain someone. But shh - top secret! Hope you have a great Fourth of July, G+J.«

Jen’s fingers clenched around her phone as she read the text over and over again. The Emoji spoke for itself; it was the one Lana used all the time when she referred to herself or to her fans. It was happening, and it was happening right now. Lana had probably already been shopping for baby stuff with her husband. In a few months she would be a mom, the mother of his child. She wouldnot only be Mrs. Di Blasio, official stepmother of three, but also the mom of a newborn. Jen tried hard to choke back the mix of emotions she felt at this moment.

»Food is ready!«, Colleen said and dragged Jen back to reality.

Jen would rather have thrown up than to eat something. Before she sat down with her friends, she walked up to her side table which she called her »Mad Men Bar« and poured in some booze in a glass. It was the only thing that could make her stay sane that night. It had gotten to a point where she could not manage to ignore her feelings any longer, so she needed a little help. 

»You alright?«, Rose asked when Jen was the only one with an empty plate in front of her.

»I am great, life is awesome«, Jen said enthusiastically and emptied her glass in one go. »I’m gonna need a refill.«

Not much later Jen found herself playing a drinking game with some guys at the couch table. They were impressed by how much she could take and dared her to do some arm wrestling. Little did they know that she worked out almost every day and three of them did not stand a chance against her. She lost the game though, as her last opponent was not only Colleen’s husband; he also worked as a personal trainer.

Speaking of, after the final round Colleen signalised Jen to come outside with her. When Jen stood up she felt the alcohol kicking in big time. She immediately held onto the terrace door to keep her from falling over. Her vision was blurry, but she recognised her friend and somehow managed to stay upright without tripping. 

»There’s someone I want you to meet«, Colleen whispered and guided Jen towards a man in his late thirties, with a charming smile on his face. »His name is Nathan, he’s a writer and I think you two would get along very well.«

»I don’t want a maaan«, Jen whinged and refused to follow Colleen any further.

»Just give him a chance; you have nothing to lose«, she tried to convince her. The men noticed that the women were looking at him and was now trying to make eye contact with Jen.

»I’m serious, I don’t want a man«, she slurred and closed her eyes like she wanted to fall asleep while standing. »I’m tired.«

»You’re wasted, aren’t you?«

»Yes«, Jen said, started laughing, and came a little closer. »Also, I’m a lesbian«, she whispered into her friend’s ear and continued to giggle.

»What are you talking about?«

»Lesbian«, she repeated and put her hand in front of her mouth to stop herself from bursting into laughter again.

»No, you’re not«, Colleen said in disbelief, »I think you have to sober up ASAP, lady.«

Jen was not sure if it was the alcohol or herself that felt offended by her friend in that moment. Something about her attitude made her extremely angry. »I’m still a lesbian when I’m sober.«

»Stop saying that, otherwise people might believe it!«, Colleen said in an attempt to shut Jen up.

»They can, because it’s the truth!«, Jen almost shouted. The people around her started to silence their conversations and rather listened to what was going on.

Before she could say anything else, someone grabbed her arm from behind. »What the hell are you doing?«, Rose whispered.

»Don’t touch me!«, Jen shouted and freed herself from Rose’s grip. She realised how uncomfortable she was with all the people staring at her, so she tottered back inside, walked upstairs, and locked herself up in the bathroom. 

As soon as the door was shut, she started weeping bitterly like she had not in a very long time. Her chest started to hurt from desperately fighting for air as she almost drowned in her own tears. Thanks to the alcohol she did not realise how loudly she was crying. It was all too much for her, so she slumped to the ground and did not even bother to get up again. The cold floor felt oddly soothing against her cheek.

»Two options here«, Rose said from outside, »either you open the door or I break it.«

For a moment she just remained on the floor, not willing to move an inch. Rose would not go away, though. At this point, and at this alcohol level, Jen did not care if she saw her like this. Under other circumstances, she would have been strong enough to come up with an excuse not to let Rose into the bathroom. But she was not even strong enough to protect herself anymore, so she unlocked the door.

Jen could hear that the party was still going by the music that was playing downstairs on full volume. Occasionally some people sang along to the tune. Rose closed the door behind her and sat down on the floor with her. Without saying anything she put her arms around Jen in an attempt to comfort her. Jen crashed against her friends shoulder and continued crying uncontrollably. Rose held her tightly and did not say a word until Jen calmed down a bit.

»Would you tell me what the hell is going on with you?«, she asked softly, almost whispering.

Jen took a deep breath to loosen her chest that still hurt. »She’s pregnant.«

»Who? Who is pregnant?«

»Lana«, Jen sobbed and pressed her lips together. Saying her name out loud hurt even more than she had imagined.

»So? What does that- oh… Oh, Sweetie.« 

Jen buried her face in Rose’s shoulder to suppress her bawling, but she did not succeed. She could still hear it and felt like a desperate crybaby or a depressed teenager. Jen gave herself a minute before she pulled herself together and sat up again. She reached for the toilet paper to blow her nose and to wipe away the wetness in her face. 

»I always thought you couldn’t stand her«, Rose said and helped drying Jen’s tears.

»Yeah, well…«

»I’m so sorry, Mozza.« At first Jen had hated that nickname but right now it sounded comforting and it also ensured her that she was not exaggerating. It was okay to be sad.

»I- I just don’t know what to do. I love her so much«, Jen started sobbing again. She actually managed to say it, to use the word »love« without feeling like it was a lie.

»I know this might sound impossible right now, but it’ll go away. I promise, you’ll be fine.«

»I’ve been waiting for this to happen for four years now.« Not even in her dreams Jen could have imagined that this really could happen. Being in love with someone for so long without ever being loved back.

»You’ve been in love with her for four years??«

Jen nodded and closed her eyes. She was too exhausted to handle another breakdown. She would never forgive herself for being so stupid, although she tried everything to un-fall for Lana. It was pointless. 

»And you never told her?«

She shook her head. Her lips started to quiver.

»You have to tell her, Jen, seriously.«

»I can’t; it’s too late. She’s happy with him, they have a beautiful family and I don’t wanna ruin that«, Jen blubbered out. 

»You can’t just do nothing. This is killing you, look at yourself. I’ve never seen you like this and I’m your best friend.« Rose briefly stroke Jen’s arm to comfort her.

»I don’t see the point in telling her.«

»So she knows how to treat you? You still have to work together somehow.« Rose had a point there. If Lana knew, maybe she would talk about her marriage when Jen was with her anymore. She would treat her differently, but Jen did not even want that. It was desperate, but she needed her in her life. The brief conversations, the little moments they shared, were what she looked forward to on a daily basis.

Jen shook her head again. »Not gonna happen. I won’t tell her.« She had lost her, without even having fought for her in the first place.

After a moment of silence Rose chuckled and shook her head a little.

»What?« There was really nothing funny about this situation.

»I really always thought we hated her.«

»You did. I never did. And I never said I did.«

»Guys, we’re about to go to the beach to see the fireworks«, a voice from outside said. It was Monica.

»We’re not coming«, Rose answered for both of them. »Someone had a little too much to drink. It’s fine!«

Jen smiled thankfully. The last thing she wanted to do was to go to the beach with everyone and pretending to be fine when she was clearly not. »Your first Independence Day and you can’t even go see the fireworks because of me.«

»I don’t even like fireworks. Do you remember the day when I was filming for iZombie and you visited me on set? When I was devastated because the director yelled at me and you stayed with me to practice the whole night?«

»I do.« That day Jen almost lost her temper because of that guy. 

»You had my back back then and I have yours now. That’s what friends are for.«


	12. August 2015

Of course they would not finish on time. Jen was standing there, behind the headlights and next to the photographer, being forced to watch Lana’s shooting for Olay, a skin care brand both of them had signed up to advertise for. Lana was moving like she had never done anything else in her life, a black leather jacket thrown over her shoulders. Sometimes she smirked into the camera and then bit her lip to gave it a more seductive look. Jen looked at her stomach that was flat like always. No sign of a baby bump at all. It was probably too early for that. They were supposed to finish half an hour ago, but apparently it took longer than they had expected. Delays on set were pretty common, though. 

After her breakdown on the bathroom floor, Rose and her had come to the conclusion that she should see Lana as little as possible. Even less than she already did. No looking, no talking, no spending time together. Too bad that Jen had already broken rule number one. And she was about to break rule number two, as Lana was walking towards her after the photographer called it a wrap on her.

»Hey Jen! Sorry that you had to wait, they had some issues with the lighting. How are you? I haven’t seen you since Paris!«, Lana said while trying to take off her shoes. No wonders, they looked pretty uncomfortable.

»Yeah I was… kinda busy. How are you? Your shooting was great by the way you, uhm, looked great.« Jen’s level of sophistication seemed to be pretty high today. In her mind she slapped herself in the face.

»Thanks. Oh you know, I had better times, but life goes on.« She smiled, but it was a fake smile. It was easy to distinguish if Lana was truly happy or just faking it.

»Is something wrong with the baby??« What terrified Jen more than the thought of Lana being pregnant with Fred’s child was the thought of Lana losing the baby. Something horrible like this could not be happening to her.

Lana furled her eyebrows and started to pay full attention instead of taking care of her feet. »Baby? What baby?«

Suddenly it hit Jen that Ginny had trusted her with that information and she was about about to give that away. Lana did not tell her for a reason. She had told people she trusted about this, and Jen was not one of them. »Uhm, a little bird told me about your pregnancy.« She smiled apologetically.

»Who told you that?«, Lana said and crossed her arms. That was not good.

»Someone… I know I’m not supposed to know and I won’t tell anyone, I promise.« Jen struggled for words but no matter what she said it would be the wrong thing. This was absolutely none of her business. Actually it was kind of disrespectful to even talk to her about this and deep down Jen knew that.

»There’s nothing to know, Jen, I’m not pregnant.«

For a moment, Jen’s heart stopped pounding. Probably to throw the load off that she had been carrying around with her for the past weeks. »…you’re not?«

»No. I have no idea who told you that but it’s not true. And we’re not trying.«

»Ohthankgod«, Jen said way too relieved. She placed her hand on her chest instinctively and took a deep breath without even noticing that she overreacted big time.

»Wow okay, since when do you care so much about my life?«, Lana rose one corner of her mouth and parted her lips as if she knew exactly what Jen was thinking.

»I- I don’t. It just… would be weird for the show and stuff. Not that they kill your character off or something«, Jen continued to talk herself into more and more trouble.

»That’s… what?« Her smile transformed into general confusion.

»It wouldn’t be the same without you. Filming, I mean.« Not good enough. Certainly not good enough to convince Lana that there was no intention behind Jen’s actions. 

»I’ve signed for six seasons and I’ll stay for six seasons. Okay?«

»Yeah cool whatever, I mean you can do whatever you want, you know.«

Lana was walking past her and Jen thought she had survived the disaster that was this conversation. God, could she have embarrassed herself even more? What the hell did she think she was doing? 

Before Jen was able to flee from this situation, Lana turned around one more time. »I don’t understand you.«

»That makes two of us«, Jen mumbled. 

»I just hope for you that one day you’ll be brave enough to say what you want to say and stop hiding yourself in a safe place because that will never make you happy«, Lana said almost annoyed.

»What is that supposed to mean?« Jen wanted to play it cool although she had a feeling what Lana wanted to tell her by that. It made her furious that Lana thought she knew her better than she knew herself. Just because he had been pretty obvious about her feelings when they first met, she was not like that anymore. She had grown a lot and had learned to keep herself under control. Also, why would Lana want for her to say it out loud? It would not change a thing as this woman was happily married. Or maybe just married, at least.

Lana sighed. »Nothing, Jen. Please, forget it. There’s a lot going on right know and I say things that I don’t mean. Have fun shooting.«

»Do you wanna talk about it? You look like you could use a… friend.« Jen almost choked on the word »friend«. It felt wrong to describe their relationship like that because Lana had never been just a friend for her. Not for a second.

»I’m good, thanks. See you on set.«

She left and Jen had no idea how she was supposed to survive until filming would start again. No matter how cringe worthy this conversation had been for her, it got her worried. Lana was not in a good place, she had said so herself. There was nothing Jen could do about it, which was eating her alive.

 

******

 

The night before filming, some people from the cast were invited to go to a concert of Christina Perri that took place in Vancouver. Emily was there too and it did not take long for Jen to connect the dots and figure out that it was her who was pregnant. They were allowed to wait backstage until the show started because of safety issues. Jen fangirled a little when Christina Perri showed up and greeted them personally. 

Normally it would not be much of a problem to avoid Lana there because Jen could just stick with Colin like she did when they were on set, but her plans changed rapidly when she saw that she came alone, without her husband, which was unusual as he accompanied her to almost every public event. She was standing apart from the group, constantly tugging at the sleeve of her pullover. Jen had not even noticed that she was there yet because of how quiet and almost invisible she was. This was so unlike her. People just knew when she was in the room, always. No one seemed to notice her, not even her best friend Bex, as they were busy questioning Emily about her unborn baby. Without thinking about it twice Jen abandoned all those rules she had made to protect herself from getting hurt even more and walked up to Lana. She just had to make sure that Lana was okay before she could let her go forever.

»What??«, Lana snapped before Jen could even open her mouth. She looked tired, as if she had not slept in days. »I’m not in the mood for conversation.«

Also Jen had a hard time handling this harsh attitude. It was intimidating, and Lana had never really snapped at her like that before. »I’m not here to start a conversation.«

»Then what are you here for?«

»I’m here because I don’t want you to be alone.« Jen did not want to come off as annoying or intrusive, but her instinct told her that Lana could use someone who was just there for her.

»You should go back to the others, I’m not very good company right now.«

»But I wanna be with you.« That silenced Lana and to be honest, it silenced Jen too. But thankfully not for long. »You missed Christina Perri. She actually came to talk to us and she said she was a huge fan of our show. Especially of Hook. Isn’t it weird? She’s a celebrity herself but she’s a fan of _us_. After the concert she wants to meet us all again and take a group photo with us. She’s really nice.«

Lana rose an eyebrow at her. »I thought you didn’t wanna start a conversation.«

»Sorry.«

»I still wanna know who spread the rumour about me being pregnant«, Lana said observing the group to figure out who’s fault it could have been. 

»No one did. She meant Emily but I misunderstood. It was my mistake.« Jen was glad that Ginny was not here today. This would have made the situation even more awkward.

»What made you think of me in the first place?«

»I don’t know; it seemed kinda logical to me.« She had told Jen in Paris that she wanted to raise a child of her own. Jen was so sure Ginny had been talking about Lana, she did not even question it.

Lana smiled disappointedly and straightened her sweater. »Well, it won’t happen that soon, so…«

 

When the concert started, the cast was escorted to a lounge from where they could watch the show without the risk of being the center of attention. Everyone knew they were here though, as Christina gave them a shoutout during her concert and even dedicated a song to Emma and Hook. Jen was not mad at people for liking them. People who did not work for ABC could not know what was really going on.

Jen stayed with Lana in the back, behind the rest of the cast. Lana was so small; she sometimes had to raise herself on tiptoe to see what was going on on stage. Jen offered her to go with her to the front, and surely no one would have minded because Lana was one of the smallest of the group along with Emily, but she denied and said that she would rather stay in the back. Jen was the only one who understood the reason why. Lana seemed to be getting messages, someone was sending her texts. Messages that made her so sad that she had to fight to hold back the tears.

»Just turn it off«, Jen said because she could not watch the devastation in her eyes any longer. No matter who texted her and what they said, it hurt Lana and she did not deserve to be treated this way.

»I can’t. If I don’t open the messages he’ll tell me in person. And I’m tired of fighting.«

It was not much information, but Jen got it. Lana put the phone back into her pocket and focused on the stage again. She found a gap between Colin and Bex that allowed her to see at least half of the band. However, Jen could not be bothered to watch the concert. Instead, she stared at Lana again and fought her inner voice that told her to do something very, very stupid. She had no idea if it was the song, they started playing »arms«, or if it was her heart that screamed so loud that she could not ignore it any longer, but no matter what it was - she surrendered. To assure herself that she had completely lost her mind, she briefly closed her eyes, before slowly moving her hand towards Lana’s. At first their pinkies slightly touched and Jen looked up to her in panic to see her reaction. Lana did not even look at her though, because she probably thought it was an accident. This time Jen did not hesitate to take Lana’s hand in one movement and instead of looking up to her, she focused on their hands and prepared herself for being rejected in an instant. But nothing happened, so Jen went even further and intertwined her fingers with Lana’s. Her skin was so soft and Lana’s hand felt so good in her’s, better than in Jen’s memories from a few years ago, when she had the chance to hold it while they had been dancing. The pounding of her own heart was currently louder than the music that was playing and she was convinced that she would collapse any second. She was also still waiting for Lana to withdraw her hand, but it never happened. Jen started to tenderly stroke the back of Lana’s hand with her thumb and hesitantly lifted her head to face the woman next to her. Jen swallowed when she saw Lana’s expression that was a mix of shock and confusion. Jen was sure she was about to ask her what the hell she was doing. Instead, they were just staring at each other for a few seconds, neither of them able to fully comprehend what was happening. It was Jen who turned her head back to the stage first. Eventually Lana did the same, and so they were standing there, hand in hand, enjoying the concert as if it was the most common thing to do. Only when the show ended, and they were thrown back into reality, Lana delicately withdraw her hand before anyone could see what was going on. She did not say anything, and neither did Jen. Instead, they separated and joined the group as if nothing ever happened. Jen finally knew how it was to hold hands with her and how was she supposed to want anything else now?


	13. September 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you for your comments @ PlayingWithShadows, QueenofBlackHearts, mdianesq, Eaver, and thisjarofnightmares! ♥

Of course their schedules would not coincide. When Jen did not want to see Lana, they met all the time. At hair and makeup, at lunch, on set - all the freaking time. Now that Jen really needed to talk to her, Lana was nowhere to be found. Actually it was not really that bad for shooting her first scene as her character felt just as miserable as she did. But as soon as she wrapped, she started to ask around if anyone knew where Lana was. Eventually she bumped into Ginny, who told her that Lana was in her trailer prepping for her scene and that it would be better if Jen left her alone. No way was she working on her scene. 

Jen timidly knocked on the door and then again when Lana did not open it. »Hey, it’s me, can you please let me in? I really need to talk to you.« Jen had exactly planned out what she wanted to say, and she had played it out in her mind over and over again. She did not tell Rose though, as she would talk her out of it for sure, because she had no idea what had happened at the concert. Before that Jen had not had the slightest bit of hope that her feelings could actually be mutual. There was no turning back. If she did not at least try, if she did not stand up for herself and tell Lana the truth, she would forever be wondering what she could have had. That mistake she would not make ever again.

The door opened slowly, and behind it there stood a not so healthy version of Lana with red eyes as if she had been bawling her eyes out for the past night. She had a cardigan wrapped around her body and held onto it.

»Are you… what happened?«, Jen asked kind of in shock. She actually wanted to tell her right away what she needed to say but in that moment she just could not. There were more important things to be taken care of first.

Lana shook her head and held a tissue in front of her mouth.

»Please talk to me…«

»I ruined everything. I’m a horrible person«, she sobbed and furrowed her brow. She went back into her trailer and let the door open for Jen to come in.

»Hey, don’t say that. You’re amazing.« Jen grabbed Lana’s upper arm to comfort her. She would love to give her a hug right now but it did not seem to be appropriate. »What makes you think that?«

»I just keep hurting the people around me even if I don’t mean to, it happens all the time, what is wrong with me?«

She looked so tortured, whatever had happened got to her big time. Jen did not really know how to help her, but she wanted to try at least. »N-Nothing is wrong with you. Whom do you think you’ve hurt?«

»I don’t _think_ I’ve hurt him, I _did_ hurt him. I’m such a failure.«

So this was about Fred and her marriage. Jen could still feel the pain in her heart when he picked her up from stage at the convention in Paris and carried her all the way out. Like she was his princess. It fit with the fairytale the media used to describe their marriage. »Lana-«

»I’m sorry, you should not have to listen to that. I just need a couple of minutes and then I have to be at hair and makeup anyways.« Lana said and wiped away that little wetness under her eyes.

»I _want_ to know. I _want_ to be here for you. You just have to _let_ me.« Jen would not let Lana push her away like that.

Lana paused and went to the fridge and pretended to get something to drink. Apparently it was hard for her to look Jen in the eyes. »I told him the truth. I told him that…« She took a deep breath. »That I’m not sure if I’m still in love with him.«

»Oh, what did he say?«, Jen collected her thoughts and tried to hide the fact that she was actually surprised by that.

»Well, he was shocked of course and asked me why and I couldn’t answer because I don’t know why and how I fell out of love, so he got mad and accused me of destroying his family, which is kinda true, and I hate myself so much for that.«

»It’s not your fault-«

»It _is_. But believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard to get things back to how they were. I really did love him.«

This hurt a little more than it should have. »I’m sure you did everything you could but you can’t force yourself to feel something you don’t. You said you were happy with him when we were in Paris, though.«

»Yeah we had a huge fight a few weeks before but we tried to give it another chance and I thought it might work out, but it didn’t. I feel _nothing_ when I’m with him anymore. And he didn’t do anything wrong; it just happened. It’s me, I’m literally the biggest failure when it comes to stuff like this.«

»Maybe it just wasn’t supposed to be, you know«, Jen said carefully. As much as she liked Lana, she had no idea how to handle her in that mood.

»But this is not the first time that this is happening to me. It happened so many times before and it’s driving me crazy because there’s nothing I can do about it. I suck at this. God, I feel so guilty. And the boys would be _devastated_. I really don’t know what to do.«

»Do you think it would make Fred happy if you stayed with him even though you don’t love him anymore? I don’t know but he seems to be important to you so you should give him a chance to find someone who truly wants to be with him.« That was actually good advise from someone who had little to no experience with actual love.

»You’re right, but I’m not sure if I can just throw it all away like that. 

In her head Jen counted for how long the two had been seeing each other. Four years, one of them spent as a married couple. »You don’t have to decide now, just think about it. But please stop blaming yourself.«

Lana nodded and gave Jen a fake smile because she knew Jen would not leave knowing that she was still miserable. »You might be right. Thanks for listening.«

»Anytime.« Jen hesitated to leave. She waited a moment before she turned back to the door. She really had a hard time leaving her like that.

»Wait, what brought you here? You said you needed to talk to me?«, Lana asked and Jen immediately froze.

»Uhm yeah, it was nothing«, she stumbled and wished she would have left a little quicker.

»No, tell me!«

»It’s… really not appropriate right now, trust me.« She could have told her another time. When Lana had sorted out her life.

»Can’t you just say what you wanna say, for once? Please.«

Suddenly Jen’s mouth turned super dry and she nervously put her hair behind her ears, before she faced Lana again. She was risking a lot by that, and she was definitely having second thoughts, but her mind could not come up with anything but the truth at this point. »Okay well… I wanted to ask you out. On a date. You and me.« Right after she said the words Jen exhaled loudly. »Which is ridiculous considering the circumstances.«

The silence that followed was deafening. There were a million scenarios Jen was playing out in her head. From Lana laughing at her, to her yelling at Jen for taking advantage of her situation. But over all, Jen felt weirdly relieved, because after today she would finally know the answer to the question that had been bothering her for years now. The big »what if«. A part of her was mad at her for not saying it earlier so she could have moved on a long time ago.

»You’ve been an absolute _idiot_ for waiting so long.«

For a moment Jen was unable to speak, move, or breathe. Her brain was busy comprehending what she had just heard. That sounded like Lana had been waiting for her to say something because she felt the same way. Jesus, she should have done that early. »…I know, I know, I was a coward and oh my god I was so stupid, I-«

»You were. But yes, I wanna go out with you«, Lana said softly and gave her a real smile this time.

This was a little too much for Jen to wrap her mind around. She actually had a chance to be with her, like, for real. »…you do?«

»I do.«

»Uh, great, then I’ll pick you up… Friday at 8?«, Jen said and was making her way backwards towards the door. Not a good idea, as she tripped over a pair of shoes laying on the floor. »Or is that too early, do you need more time?«

Now Lana’s smile had become more of a hidden laugh at Jen’s clumsiness. »Friday sounds great.«

»Okay cool then… see you then«, Jen said and rushed out the door. Instead of taking the trailer steps like a normal person, she jumped down and and smiled like an idiot without making sure if someone was looking. No one saw her. Thank god. This was really happening. She was going on a date with her.

 

******

 

Since then Jen had been on cloud nine. It drove her absolutely crazy that she had no one to talk to about this, because it was literally all she could think of. She was so close to telling Rose that she was going on a date with Lana, until she realised that it would be quite unfair as she had no idea if Lana wanted people to know that she was going out with a woman, let alone that this woman was Jen. If Rose did not know Lana, then maybe Jen would have told her, but not if it was like that. It was way too risky. There was only one person Jen kind of told about all this, and that person was Claire, because she had to find a location for their date where they would be save from people recognising them. So she asked Claire if they could have the room for private dining in her restaurant for that night. Of course she agreed, after she jokingly said what a loss for the lesbian dating market it would be when Jen restricted herself to one woman only.

It was weird to pick up Lana from her house that she was sharing with her husband. Jen texted her that she was there and when Lana did not respond Jen briefly considered that all this had been a dream that just felt a little too real. But then the door opened and Jen realized that this was indeed her life now. She really was going out with Lana. Oh. my. god.

»Hey«, Jen said when Lana, her _date_ , sat down on the passenger seat. It was impossible for her to hide how happy she was, even though she was nervous too. She could not stop smiling but to her surprise, neither could Lana. That effect she seemed to be having on her gave Jen the confidence she needed and sometimes forgot she already had when she was around that woman.

»Hey«, Lana replied, eyeing Jen’s hand that was hidden behind her back.

»I would’ve brought you a rose but I suppose your husband wouldn’t be amused by that, am I right?«, Jen said and gave her an Eiffel Tower keychain instead. »It reminded me of you.«

»Thank you«, Lana’s smile grew radiant. »You’re wearing the dress! It looks beautiful on you.«

It was the dress they bought together in Paris. »At least now I can say that I had a reason to buy it. Even though I had no idea that we would be going on a date back then.« Jen really wanted to compliment Lana, but she did not know what to compliment first. She looked so good that evening, with her hair a little wavy and a blue dress that really showed what an amazing body she had.

»Are you nervous?«, Lana asked a little self-consciously.

Hell yes, of course she was, way more than she wanted to admit. The woman of her dreams was sitting next to her, willing to give her a chance. »Yeah, kinda. What about you?«

»Me too.«

»I guess that’s normal when something’s important, right?« Her voice broke a little at the last two words because she was still unsure if this meant as much to Lana as it did to her.

»It is. So, where are we going?«

»I thought we could have dinner.«

»Great. I just hope no one sees us. The office wouldn’t be too happy about that.«

Jen could already hear Ms Patal’s annoying voice in her head if they found out what they were about to do. »Don’t worry, we’ll have dinner somewhere private.«

 

»So this place belongs to your friend? It’s pretty fancy«, Lana said as they were sitting on a table for two drinking some wine and enjoying their meals.

»Yes. In summer, when it’s warm, they open the roof bar so it’s literally a restaurant under the sky.« Jen had been hanging out there with Ashley and Taylor a lot when Claire had to work. September in Canada was already too cold for that, though.

»That sounds like fun. I didn’t know you enjoyed Vancouver so much«, Lana said, tracing the rim of her wine glass.

»I do, actually. I mean it’s the only place where people know about… me. Like, who I am as a person.« This was a weird way to beat around the bush, but Lana got it.

»So your friends here know that you’re into women?«

»Yes. That’s what I meant.« She was glad that Lana did not say the word »lesbian«, because due to her past this word still had a kind of negative connotation for Jen, especially when it was used to describe her. 

»It feels good, doesn’t it?«, Lana said with a genuine smile, looking Jen straight in the eyes.

»So good, you have no idea. Or maybe you do?« She knew so little about Lana’s life, but based on what had happened she must be far more comfortable with that topic.

»Well, kinda. I’ve never had a big coming out, you know. I knew that I was bisexual since I was…maybe fourteen years? Everyone just knew at some point. I had so many lesbian and gay friends and I went to gay clubs with them before I was even legal, it was not a big deal for them and I know that I was pretty lucky. However, when I had my first girlfriend I was terrified of telling my parents. I almost peed my pants every time she came over because I was so afraid of them finding out«, Lana laughed and put a hand on her forehead like she was taking a trip down memory lane.

»And did they find out?«

»Wait, wait, that’s the best part of the story. My Dad and I were always very close so I decided to tell him first. We went out for fishing and I was so nervous so he asked me what was wrong and if it had something to do with my _girlfriend_. I was so shocked and didn’t know what to say so my Dad just added: »Guys or girls, it doesn’t matter, as long as you don’t come home with a Republican«. He knew all along and so did my entire family. So in that moment, when my Dad told me that it was totally okay, I felt incredibly relieved too.« 

»Wow, that’s… that’s literally so cool.« Jen had a sip from her glass. For her it would never be like that.

»It went pretty well for me but I know that it’s not like that for a lot of people. Sadly.«

»No, it’s not. But I’m really happy your family accepted you the way you are. That’s how it should be, right?«

Lana nodded. »What about you? Are you planning on telling your family?«

»My parents… would never be so chill about it, I know that. Like, people say they often react better than expected, but not my parents. That’s why I’m kinda glad I found out about this gay thing when I was already living my own life far away from home.« She had no idea what she had done if she had found out when she went to High School, still living with her parents. Or when she went to this catholic University with all these super religious people around her, telling her that being gay is a sin.

»Oh, I’m sorry.« Her smile vanished and was replaced by a pitying facial expression. »But I’m sure they’ll accept it if they see that you’re happy? You’re their daughter nevertheless.«

»Yeah I highly doubt that.« Jen already promised herself to wait until she really had a reason to tell her family.

»I hate that people still have such a hard time coming out and I wish I could make things easier for you.«

»Of course you do, you have a heart of gold«, Jen said and just looked at Lana for a moment without saying anything further. 

»I- I don’t.«

»Oh, you do.« From all the cast members she was the one who was most involved in charity projects and always made an appearance when it was for a good cause. When they had new people joining the cast, she always made sure that they were comfortable first. It was also her that lifted everyone’s mood when they had a bad day. She also had her bad days though, but most of the time she was the sunshine on set. »Anyways, the people I told about this were incredibly supportive. It’s… it’s really just my family.«

»Does Rose know? You two get along very well, don’t you?«

»Yes she’s like my sister from another mister. And she was the first one I told. Ever.« And she would forever be thankful for her reaction.

»How did she react?«

»She hugged me and then we ate pizza. She was so sweet and even went to a… lesbian club with me. Colin knows too by the way but that’s about it when it comes to the cast.« In her mind Jen gave herself a pat on the back for saying the L-word. 

»You went to a lesbian club?? God, I wish I had seen that.« Sounded not so bad after all when Lana said it.

»What is that supposed to mean?«

»Nothing. It’s just, the thought of you and Rose, who’s so giggly when it comes to men, going to a gay club is kinda funny. I don’t know her that well of course.«

»You’re right, actually, it really was funny. We even wore wigs so no one would recognize us.«

»And did it work?«

»Yeah, no »Jennifer Morrison spotted in gay club« pictures the next day.«

»That’s a success.«

They were both way too full for dessert, so they decided to share some Mousse au Chocolat instead of ordering two. In secret, Jen hoped for their hands to accidentally touch, but they did not. She could not wait to feel Lana’s skin on her’s again.

»So, am I the first woman you’re taking out on a date?«, Lana asked after she licked her teeth clean from the chocolate.

»The first woman I’m actually dating, yes. And I’m your… what? Fourth? Fifth?« It was hard to tell as she had no idea what Lana’s life was like before Once Upon A Time. If she preferred men, or women, or if it was more fifty-fifty. 

»Good guess, you’re my third. But I haven’t dated a woman in _years_ so you might as well count as my first. My first in a long time.«

So she had more men than women. This had nothing to say, actually. Bisexual was bisexual, no matter the preferred gender or the amount of relationships. »I’m honoured to be your first in a long time.«

»And I’m honoured to be your actual first«, Lana said and winked, although she could not wink but apparently no one had told her that.

When they finished eating they went upstairs, because Lana wanted to see the roof bar that was actually closed. Claire made an exception though and allowed them to go up there. They did not stay long as it was pretty cold, but Lana seemed to like it. Jen had to stop herself form wrapping her arms around her date, because she craved her touch so desperately. But because of the circumstances Jen knew she could not do that. Lans was married to Fred.

 

Jen got an uneasy feeling when her car came to a halt right before Lana’s house even though it was clear from the outset that she was still with her husband and Jen had to let her go that night. Lana did not leave the car right away, though. Instead, she sat there in silence, looking down and biting her lip.

»I… I enjoyed our evening«, Jen said quietly in an unintended breathy voice. She was terrified that Lana might tell her that this was their first and last one. Not because they did not have a good time, they had, but because she was still married and had to make a decision.

»Me too«, Lana answered and this time it was her who took Jen’s hand. She looked rather contemplative than happy while playing with Jen’s fingers.

It got her even more worried that they might not repeat this. Jen tighten the grip on Lana’s hand and placed the back of it on her lips to kiss is briefly, because she had nothing to lose. She then let put it down again and let Lana’s fingers fold into her’s. They stayed like this for a while, knowing that it could have been the last time they were this close to each other. Connected.

»I have to go«, Lana whispered.

»I know«, Jen replied. »But I wish you wouldn’t.«

Lana swallowed. »Goodnight.«

The moment their hands separated Jen immediately felt like something was missing. The palm of her hand turned cold. »Goodnight«, she said while Lana got out of the car. Jen waited until Lana closed the front door behind her, waiting for her to turn around one last time. She did not.

 


	14. October 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Unfortunately I won't be able to update the story until next week because, well, I'll be meeting Lana this weekend ahhhh. But don't worry, the story will be finished. There'll be 30 chapters and I'll be posting regularly until chapter 24. For the last 6 chapters I may need a little more time because I haven't finished writing them yet and Uni is kicking my butt. But the story will be finished for sure! I hope you like this chapter :) xx

It had been a week and Lana had not texted her yet. A whole week. Jen did not really care if it was appropriate or not, but she needed to hear from her. Even if it was to end things that had not really started in the first place. As soon as she started to type a message, she changed her mind though. The least she wanted was to pressure her. She probably had her reasons for not texting her first. They would be shooting together the next week anyway so Lana had to talk to her then.

Today, Colin invited Jen over because his wife and his son moved to Vancouver temporarily and Jen had not seen Helen and Evan in ages. Also, it was a good distraction from her life that was about to fall apart.

»Oh my god he’s grown so much!«, Jen said and sat down with Evan on the children’s table. It was not easy as she had very long legs, but she managed to do it somehow. Evan gave her a pen and asked her to draw with him. 

»Yes, you can literally watch him grow at this age, it’s insane«, Helen said and put away a stuffed animal so she could sit on the other chair.

»He’s two now, right? Oh by the way, I brought him something«, Jen said and gave the boy a puzzle for toddlers.

»You really didn’t have to do that!«, Colin said, who joined them after he had filled a tiny bottle with apple juice to give it to his son.

»Oh no big deal, I love making children happy«, she said and smiled at the kid who was unpacking his present.

»What do we say when someone gives us a present, sweetie?«, Helen asked.

»Tank you«, Evan said shyly and with a little help from his Mom he unpacked the puzzle in an instant.

»So, do you guys like Vancouver so far?«, Jen asked Helen and helped Evan to put the first few pieces together. He seemed to like the animals with funny faces.

»It’s nice. But Evan keeps asking when it’ll snow.« Helen gave her son a proud smile.

»It’ll be snowing so much that you wish you had never asked for it, trust me.« Jen had never seen that much snow, not even when she was living back home in Chicago. »By the way, do you still get… those letters?«

»That’s another perk of moving. We haven’t gotten a single one yet.« Helen seemed so relieved and suddenly Jen felt incredibly guilty again.

»I’m honestly so so sorry about all this. If I could I would make it stop immediately.«

»This is absolutely not your fault«, Helen assured. »Also I think it has calmed down a bit. I’m not on social media that often anymore, but I don’t see daily insulting tweets so that’s good.«

»Please don’t feel guilty for that, Jen.« Colin said. »It’s not our fault that we have incredibly on and off set chemistry«, he joked and Jen did not dare to laugh until she saw that Helen was laughing as well.

»I’m really glad that this doesn’t affect you guys that much anymore. Really.«

»I have never seen Evan that focused. You should stop by more often«, Helen suggested and proudly watched him finishing his puzzle.

 

******

 

That night was especially bad. No matter what Jen tried, she seemed to be unable to fall asleep. Her thoughts kept her awake, so she decided to move to the couch and read a little until she would have been tired enough. Even if it had been a little over a week, she was still checking her phone every minute just because she got used to it. Not because she actually had hope that Lana would text her. She made herself a cup of tea and stood in front of the window a few minutes, looking for nothing in particular. It was a quiet night, no noisy neighbours or heavy rain. Almost a little too quiet for Jen’s liking.

Suddenly the doorbell rang and interrupted her thoughts. Normally the doorman would call her before letting guests up to her apartment, but apparently not this time. Maybe he fell asleep or something; it was almost midnight. Jen hesitated a little before opening the door, but when she did, she knew exactly that it had been the right decision. In an instant, her heart started to pound like crazy and all her worries melted into thin air.

»Lana«, Jen whispered, her eyes a little watery.

»Hey«, Lana said, looking slightly insecure. »I ended things with Fred and I didn’t wanna spend another night being separated from you«, her voice broke a little.

Without thinking about it twice, Jen cupped Lana’s face and brushed her lips against her’s. Gently at first, but as Lana kissed her back, the kiss grew more and more harder and demanding. Jen pulled her inside and kicked the door shut behind her without separating her lips from her’s. She softly pinned her against the wall, before she broke the kiss. They were breathing the same air as Jen stroked Lana’s cheek with her thumb, still cupping her face with both hands. This was literally all she had ever wanted and it felt everything but real.

She swallowed. Seeing Lana this close, right in front of her, the tips of their noses almost touching, was an entirely different experience from all the moments they had shared before. Her thumb made its way to Lana’s mouth, hovering above before slightly touching the scar that crossed her upper lip.

»You’re so beautiful«, Jen whispered and closed her eyes because she desperately wanted to feel Lana’s soft and full lips against her’s again. She got what she wanted and held the kiss for a few seconds, but suddenly that was not enough anymore. She desired to feel Lana’s body against her’s, wanted to be as close to her as possible. So she removed one hand from Lana’s face and slowly put it under her shirt, letting it rest on her stomach. Not sure if it was the right thing to do, she looked her in the eyes, waiting for some sort of consent. A gentle smile tugged at the corner of the brunette’s mouth, she gave her a small nod and bit her lower lip. That was consent enough. Jen’s lips brushed against her neck, after she took off Lana’s shirt in one smooth movement. They both laughed a little when it took Jen some time to open Lana’s bra, and when it finally fell off Jen was too shy to look at Lana’s body, so she just enjoyed kissing her neck, tasting her skin on her lips, which the brunette seemed to like very much. Lana’s hand disappeared in Jen’s hair, the other one tried to take off Jen’s panties and eventually succeeded. 

»Jen?«, Lana gasped and the blonde immediately stopped what she was doing.

»Yes? Too soon?«, she asked, trying to read Lana’s face.

»No, but… it’s been a while since I…«

She had not been with a woman in a while, and Jen completely understood that. »Don’t worry, I’ve got you.« Even though she had little to no experience herself, she kind of felt confident in what she was doing. Maybe it was because of the way Lana’s body was responding to her.

They lost all their clothing on their way to the bedroom, and when Lana laid down on the mattress, it was the first time that Jen saw her completely naked. It was also the time when Jen took into consideration that she had gone insane and was imagining all this. Lana reminded her that this was all real by grabbing her waist and pulling her down on her, so their bodies were pressed against each other. Jen enjoyed the intimacy for a moment, focusing on Lana’s fingers that were tracing her back as she was gently sucking on her lower lip. If it was not for gravity, Jen was sure she was about to lift off any minute. She could feel that Lana was ready, so she lowered herself to Lana’s breasts first, caressing them and leaving a mark, until she found herself between her legs, kissing the inner sides of her thighs. That was when it hit her that she actually had no idea what she was doing, but she seemed to be doing it well as it did not really take that long until Lana was arching her back, pushing her hips forward. With one hand Jen grabbed Lana’s thigh to keep it in place, as s moan escaped from her mouth, indicating that Jen was definitely heading in the right direction.

 

That morning it was not hard for Jen to open her eyes, because she knew exactly what she would be seeing. Something even better than she had ever seen in her dreams. Lana was still there, lying in her arm, her head resting partly on her shoulder, partly on her chest. Her hair tickling Jen’s chin, but it did not bother her at all. She had never felt that peaceful and she had never felt that happy.

When both of them were fully awake, Lana replaced herself so she was facing Jen. »Good morning«, she said, her voice a little raspy, and smiled at Jen like she was someone extremely precious, but for her it was the other way around.

»Good morning. Did you sleep well?«, Jen said, looking into dark brown eyes trying to comprehend , trying to process what had happened between them. She was legit sharing a bed with Lana.

»I did. Hope I wasn’t too much of a burden, you couldn’t even move the whole night.« In Jen’s eyes, her husky morning voice and her tangled hair made her look even hotter than she already was.

»Oh you weren’t, not at all. It felt good to have you by my side.« Jen brushed a few strains of hair out of Lana’s face and buried her hand in her hair. »Should’ve kissed you in that damn trailer.«

Lana bit her lip to stop herself from smirking. »No, you shouldn’t have. Actually I’m glad you didn’t. You weren’t ready.«

This made Jen incredibly weak in the knees again, and she could literally feel the butterflies in her stomach going crazy. She did not move an inch and just laid there, relishing the moment, before she removed her hand from Lana’s hair to caress her cheek instead. Lana took it and placed a soft kiss on Jen’s palm. It was just them who mattered, everything else suddenly became meaningless.

There was one question Jen needed to be answered. »How did you know that I was gay back then? Honestly, I’m curious.«

The smirk on Lana’s face grew. »Well, I didn’t _know_ of course, because you can’t know for sure unless they tell you. But I kinda had a feeling. I can’t tell what exactly it was, though.«

»Probably because I panicked every time you walked into the room. Gosh, I was so embarrassing.« Jen buried her face in her hands to hide the redness of her cheeks. She felt exposed but it was kind of her own fault because she had started it.

»No, you weren’t. I found it adorable«, she said gently and lovingly and Jen knew that there was no reason to be ashamed of how she felt or was still feeling. 

»So you knew that I had a thing for you?« Now it was Jen who grinned and gave Lana a yearning look. She did not do it on purpose; it just happened.

»I admit there were some moments, but you really sent mixed signals. Sometimes I thought you couldn’t even stand me.«

The last thing she had wanted back then was for Lana to think she had not liked her. »Seriously? I had like the biggest crush on you.«

»You did?« Lana’s voice got a little higher than normal.

»Hell yeah, you have _no_ idea.« All the sleepless nights and the amount of sweat she had lost because of her had probably been far from healthy. Also if… _this_ happened again or became a regular thing, Jen was convinced she would be getting serious heart issues.

»I’m flattered.« Lana came a little closer and gave her a brief kiss.

»You should be«, Jen said jokingly and stared at her lips, deciding whether or not to pull her closer and give her a real one. It was still a mystery to her how people could not fall in love with that woman.

»Did I make you nervous?«, she asked biting her lower lip _again_. One more time and Jen would continue what they started last night.

»You bet.« Nervousness did not even begin to describe the stress she had been in.

»I didn’t know I had that effect on you«, she smirked again, before she turned around and moved over to the edge of the bed, looking for her clothing. Eventually she found her bra and put it on. »I have to go. Gotta look for a place to stay.« She pulled over her shirt and tried to put her hair in a ponytail. »I’ll see you later?«

So this was not a one time thing. »Sure.« Jen gave herself time to think while Lana was putting on her jeans. To Jen it was crystal clear, but she did not want to pressure her. »Wait«, Jen said, touching Lana’s arm. »You can stay here if you want to. My apartment is big enough for two.«

Lana gave her a surprised look, almost as if she was laughing at her, but seemed to be taking it into consideration. »Thanks but I don’t think that’s a good idea.«

»It’s not like we would actually _live_ together. I mean, we wouldn’t even see each other that often. Either you’re on set, I am, or we both are. You’ll probably not even notice that you don’t live alone.« Except for the nights, of course. Jen would have her favourite person right next to her and even the thought of it made her extremely happy.

»I don’t wanna ruin what we have by rushing things«, Lana said cautiously. Her expression told Jen that she was indeed conflicted, so she did not totally hate the idea of staying with Jen.

»We’re both super busy people, think about it. We’re not even in town that often.« Jen was not trying to force Lana to do something she did not want to, but she could tell that Lana did want it. And if they had nine to five jobs Jen would have probably agreed with her, but by (kind of) living together they would solve the problem of finding time to see each other, which would be problematic concerning their schedules.

»You would really be okay with me moving in with you? Temporarily, of course. Until I find a place of my own?«

»Of course, I swear. I actually like the idea.« Jen tried to sound as unexcited as possible and eventually succeeded. It had been a while since she had shared an apartment or house with someone, but it felt more than right.

»What about Lola?«

»She’s just as welcome here as you are.« This was a huge bonus because Jen really missed her dog when she was in Vancouver.

»Well okay then I suppose I don’t have to leave now«, Lana said and untied her shoes.

»I like that even more.«

Lana’s faced softened as she lowered herself onto the bed, letting Jen tug her closer and claiming her body by her touch.

 

******

 

Even though both of them would have loved to avoid the situation for a little longer, they could not. Lana needed at least some of her stuff and her clothes after wearing Jen’s for two weeks and she also needed her script to learn the lines for filming. Lana had insisted on going with Ginny to her house instead of Jen because she did not want to risk Fred finding out about them, and he surely would connect the dots. Ginny probably did too, but she did not say anything when Lana told her that she would be staying with Jen because she had a guest room in her apartment. Jen opened her closet to look for some moving boxes to give to Lana.

»You sure you don’t want me to come? I could wait in the car.« It probably would not be easy for Lana so Jen really wanted to be there for her.

»Yes, I’m sure. We have to be a little careful when it comes to letting people know about us«, Lana said in a more worried than serious tone.

»You’re right.« She really wished she could take a look into Lana’s brain to see how she was really feeling with all this. She was married to that guy, and she had loved him.

»Fred is hurt and angry at me, I don’t know what he would do with this information.«

»I get it. I’ll wait here then«, Jen said, looking around and already thinking about what she could do to pass the time. She did not do well when she was worried all by herself.

»I’ll be back soon«, Lana promised and stroke Jen’s arm, giving her goose bumps. 

»Okay.« Even though she knew that Lana only moved in temporarily, she hoped for her to stay. Jen gave her the boxes with an uneasy feeling in her gut. It got a bit better when Ginny turned up to pick Lana up. She would not be alone there and everything would be just fine. Jen expected Ginny to eye them or ask some questions, but again, she did not.

 

When the two left, Jen decided to make some space on the shelf in the bathroom, so Lana had a place to put her toothbrush and stuff. On that note she also cleaned out half of her closet to make room for Lana’s clothes. This was getting real but the anxiety that would normally set in at this point was nowhere to be found. She was just excited and uncontrollably smiling at the thought of Lana coming through this door with packed boxes in her arms, ready to settle in, even if it was not for long or forever or whatever. When Jen’s phone rang she expected the worst, but it was just Rose asking her if she wanted to come over and hang out. She felt so bad for turning her down and lying to her, because she was not used to it. It had happened very rarely that Jen had cancelled on Rose.

And a few hours later, what Jen had imagined finally happened. Ginny’s car parked in front of the apartment building, a barking dog ran into her apartment and Jen helped them to unload the boxes from Ginny’s car. Jen tried to act as casual about this as she could to not raise suspicion. It was just a colleague moving in with her because she was going through a divorce. That was it. 

When Ginny was about to leave, Jen was not sure what to say or to do as she had no idea how Lana was feeling. Was she sad because she left Fred? Conflicted because she felt guilty? Maybe she was already regretting her decision and could not wait to find a place of her own.

Of course Jen worried about nothing. As soon as the door shut, Lana threw her arms around Jen’s neck and surprised her with a lingering kiss. She only broke it because she needed air. Jen buried her face in Lana’s neck and took a deep breath because she loved the way she smelled.

»I’m glad you’re here«, Jen mumbled and had to swallow down some tears that were coming up because of how happy she was. It was so unreal that suddenly she had the person she wanted most in her arms, with the permission to kiss and touch her.

»Me too«, Lana whispered.

Before it could get too emotional, Jen broke the hug and suggested that they should start to unpack the boxes that were stacked in the living room. It was not a lot of stuff though, mostly clothes and also a few books. Jen shoved her books in her bookshelf aside and piled them up, so their was space for Lana’s. It was interesting to see what she was reading. 

»What did Fred say?«, Jen asked cautiously. It was weird that Lana was not talking about him at all. He has been a big part of her life for the past years.

»Nothing, he left when he saw us and the moving boxes.« Lana move on to another box.

»Are you okay?« If Jen were in Fred’s position, she would be completely heartbroken.

»Of course I am, I haven’t felt this free in a very long time. And I know that I don’t have to feel guilty because there are always two people involved when it comes to a divorce«, Lana said sincerely. »I wished the boys would’ve been home so I could’ve explain it to them.«

»Do you think Fred lied to them?« These boys meant a lot to her, it was kind of obvious. It must have been hard for her to move from a life with lots of people and chaos to a life with just Jen.

»No, but I’m not sure if he told them everything either«, Lana wrinkled her brow.

Of course she was worried, they were her family for quite some time. Her step kids. »You should call them and tell them that you would love to talk to them.«

»I’ll text them later«, Lana said and continued to focus on the boxes. 

»Fifty Shades of Chicken? What the fuck?«, Jen said as she was putting out another book from one of the boxes laughing at the cover of it that showed a fettered chicken.

»Stop laughing, it’s a cookbook«, Lana said and pried it out of Jen’s hands so she could place it in the bookshelf next to Jen’s book about cocktails.

»But… why? I thought you didn’t even like meat that much«, Jen said, still amused.

»It’s very helpful for when you have people over, okay.«

»Okay, okay«, Jen said, lifting her hands up in defense.

»Not everyone can be interested in classic literature, like you are«, Lana said impressed by Jen’s huge vintage book collection. Those were not even all the books she had. Most of them were at her house in Los Angeles. »Oh, what’s that?«, Lana said, taking out the one book that looked like it did not belong.

»That’s not a book«, Jen said and tried to convince Lana to put in back in the shelf. It was the photo album.

»Aww look at you and your teenage self«, Lana said while flickering through the pages. 

»It’s really just some old pictures from when I was younger, nothing special.« Jen’s cheeks turned deep red in embarrassment and she started panicking about what Lana might think of her when she found photos of herself in there.

By the change of tempo in which she was flipping through the pages it was pretty clear that she had seen the first picture of them together. This was so embarrassing and Jen was already thinking about a reason why Lana was even in there when they were not even friends. The last picture was the one Jen took of her when they were on the Eiffel Tower. Lana went completely silent when she looked at the photo of herself, with tangled her, in Jen’s photo album.

Jen shrugged and decided that it would be best if she just told her the truth instead of coming up with an excuse. »I found it cute.«

Lana gave her a soft and warm look, as if she was truly touched by that. Jen had expected her to find that weird and creepy, but she did not. In fact, she probably knew that Jen had not kept the photos because Lana looked cute in them. At this moment it must have been pretty clear how much Lana had meant to Jen from the start, but she was glad that she did not say it out loud. She held up Jen’s phone, pressed her lips against Jen’s cheek, and clicked on the button to take a picture. Her lips broke into a smile against her skin.

 

That night, when Lana fell asleep on the couch and Jen covered her with a blanket, for the first time in quite a while, Jen felt at peace. Like she had done something right.


	15. November 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Heeey, I'm back home! Back to the normal posting schedule until chapter 24! :) x

Jen was right when she had said that they would not see each other that often even though they were living together. Their filming schedules were crazy busy. Sometimes they had to sleep on set because they were filming until morning, or they were filming until late at night and would start again too early in the morning so it was not worth driving home to get not even an hour of sleep. When they were on set they tried to stay in their lanes, Jen was mostly with Colin, whereas Lana stayed with Ginny or Bex. Just like they always did. When they accidentally met and they were alone, Jen would steal a kiss or maybe two, but that was about it.

So when they finally had a morning off, it was sure as hell that they would spend it together. While Jen was showering, Lana was making breakfast and Jen could already smell the pancakes when she stepped out of the bathroom. She was walking towards the kitchen, but leaned against the doorframe to watch Lana, who was still in her nightshirt, flipping the pancakes while moving her head in time to the music that was playing on the radio. This was her _girlfriend_.

»What?«, Lana asked as she saw Jen staring.

»Nothing. You’re adorable.«

Lana rolled her eyes like she was annoyed by this, but her face said quite the opposite. »Sit down, breakfast is ready.«

Jen’s coffee to go was nothing compared to this, a proper breakfast with a loved one. Suddenly Jen realized that she was not alone the past four years, she was lonely. She had enjoyed being alone, but not since she had met Lana. »You really didn’t have to-«

»I know, but I wanted to. Perks of dating me: I love cooking«, Lana said while placing a plate with two pancakes along with some blueberries in front of Jen.

»Especially chicken, am I right?«, Jen joked as this was by far the weirdest cookbook in her bookshelf right now.

»When our families come over on a special occasion or whatever you’ll be glad that we have this book!!«, Lana tried to defend herself and sat down across from Jen.

It was literally one of the first time anyone even sat at this table. Normally Jen sat on the couch watching TV or reading a book when she ate. »Probably. Cause I’ve never really cooked for more than two people to be honest.« Of course she had prepared food for her friends a few times and she also hosted lots of Superbowl Sundays at her house, but that was never really cooking. She either ordered something or served finger food.

»See. Oh by the way, my Mom called and invited us over for Thanksgiving… I said I would call her back because I wanted to talk to you first«, Lana said and stopped eating to see Jen’s reaction.

»She knows about us??«

»Kinda, but not really. She knows that Fred and I split up and that I have a girlfriend now but I haven’t told her who that woman is yet.« Lana shrugged and smiled insecurely.

Jen grinned as she was replaying her words inside her head. She cupped her own chin in her hand and hid her mouth with her fingers, because she did not want to make a big deal out of it, even if it was for her.

»What?«, Lana asked.

Jen’s smile grew. »I haven’t heard you calling me your »girlfriend« yet.«

»That’s what we are, right?«

»Yes. And it’s so nice of your Mom to invite me.« It also painfully reminded her of the work she still had to do on that front, concerning her own family.

»She’s really looking forward to meet you but I would totally understand if you wanna spent Thanksgiving with your family«, she said and Jen believed every word.

But holiday season without Lana? Hell no. She was not sure what to tell her mother, but she would find a way. »No, I would love to come with you to Brooklyn.« Of course she would get major anxiety before that, but that did not stop Jen from saying yes. She was way too curious about where Lana came from and the thought of being with someone she belonged to during the holidays excited her more than it scared her.

»Really??« Lana sounded genuinely surprised.

»Sure,, unless you don’t want me there.«

»I do, I really _do_ , it’s just… I’ve never thought I’d have this.« She was getting emotional, Jen could see it in her eyes and in the way she looked down and kind of turned away from her.

»Lana?« Jen was not good at this, she did not know what to say or do to comfort her.

Lana hid her face and initiated Jen that she needed a second. »I’m sorry.«

Jen reached across the table to take Lana’s hand, because that was what would ground her if she would be freaking out or whatever Lana was doing. 

»You weren’t the only one with feelings back then, you know. But when you told me you weren’t into women I moved on and fell in love with Fred and now everything I felt seems to be coming back and it makes me so _happy_ that I’m actually with you right now. God, I’m really sorry. Normally I’m not that emotional, I swear.«

»No, don’t- don’t be sorry, I have moments too, where I can’t even believe how lucky I am. It’s okay, especially where we are coming from. And considering that all this happens pretty much all of a sudden«, Jen said softly and tried to sound as comforting as possible. She had no idea that she had the power to affect Lana like that.

Lana nodded and collected her thoughts. »I’ll call my Mom and book our flights then.«

Suddenly Jen kind of had a feeling where Lana was coming from and why it had surprised her so much that Jen had agreed. Jen had freaked out before, had rejected her in the most cruel way. »I’m serious, I wanna be with you. I won’t back out again. I know who I am and I know what I want. Or… who I want. Believe me.«

»I do.«

»Great. By the way, those pancakes, they’re delicious«, Jen said because she could not handle if the conversation got any deeper.

 

******

 

It was 5am and they had been filming the whole night. There was not even a minute for Jen to lay down and sleep a little, so she ended up keeping herself awake with lots of coffee.Lana was not on set because she was invited to an event that took place in Los Angeles. She would be home tomorrow morning. Or today morning, since it already was the next day. When they finally wrapped for the night, Ginny suggested that they could go to Tim Hortons as it was the only coffee shop that opened past midnight or that early in the mornings. Jen was starving, so of course she was in. She ordered a sandwich as she was desperately craving one, and sat down next to Ginny. Not only the cast had joined them, but also some crew members and Eddy, one of the writers, who had been on set the whole night as well.

»How’s Lana?«, Ginny asked, while the others were busy chatting about the past hours.

»She’s… fine I guess.« Jen had to remind herself that everyone must think Lana was a total train wreck because she was getting a divorce from her husband even though according the media their marriage was a fairytale come true.

»You two are getting along?«, Ginny asked casually. 

Jen could not shake the feeling that there was an intention behind that. »Well… yeah? Why are you asking?«

»Oh, just because. You aren’t exactly _friends_ so I just wanted to say that if it doesn’t work out she can always come stay with Josh and me until she finds a place of her own.« 

She was right, they had never been friends indeed, even though it might have looked like it at some point. She wondered what Lana had told her when she had asked why Jen was not spending time with them anymore. »Thanks, but we’re good. How’s the baby?«

Ginny was pregnant for the second time. »He’s doing well, he’s perfectly healthy.«

»So it’s a boy then? Congratulations«, Jen said. She had lots of respect for them both working full time jobs and still managing to have a happy family, too. 

»Yes. Thank you«, Ginny said and placed her hand on her belly. »I can’t wait to meet him and hold him in my arms.«

»When’s the due date?« Jen had seen Ginny with her son and from what she could tell she really was a great mother.

»Probably late May early June. But when I see Josh I would think due date is tomorrow.« Ginny laughed.

»Is he that excited?«

»You have _no_ idea. I thought he would be a lot calmer because it’s our second child. He is not, for the record.«

»I bet he’ll be a great father to him.« Jen wondered what it must be like to be pregnant. As a kid she always imagined it to feel like she had eaten way too much for nine months.

»He already is.« Ginny paused for a second. »Weird, isn’t it?«

»What do you mean?«

»That what has started four years ago is finally starting to come full circle. Like, me and Josh being married and having a family. You spending time with Lana again…«

Jen slowly chewed on her sandwich so she had enough time to come up with an answer. She kind of was sure now that Ginny knew. »…yeah.« 

»We should hang out some time, the four of us. Like old times.«

»Okay why not, that would be fun.« In fact, she had missed it. Ginny and Josh had been her friends as well but she was the one who had chosen not to hang out with them because she was scared of what it would be like to see Lana after what had happened. She had ruined their friendship, but maybe this was a chance to make it up to them.

»By the way, the chocolate ones are her favorite«, Ginny said and pointed to the donut counter. She smiled briefly and then changed the topic. Probably because she saw the shock in Jen’s face and she felt exposed. It was obvious whom Ginny meant with »her«. Before they left the coffee shop, Jen bought one so Lana had something to eat when she came home.

 

When Jen finally arrived at her apartment, she thought for a moment that someone had broken in because the lights were on, but as she saw the suitcase standing in the corridor she knew that it was Lana who apparently had come home early. Her plane was supposed to land in three hours. She was sitting at the kitchen table, not even looking at Jen when she entered the room.

Something had happened and something was wrong. »Hey«, Jen said insecurely. »I brought you a donut. How was your flight?«

»Where the hell have you been?«, Lana asked angrily, pressing her lips together. Her legs were crossed and she looked like she had been sitting there for quite a while.

»Um, we’ve been filming the whole night and we went to Tim Hortons afterwards.« Somehow Lana managed to make Jen feel guilty even though there was nothing to feel guilty about. They did this all the time, grabbing some food after shooting.

»And you couldn’t tell me because … ?«

»You weren’t even in town? I thought your plane would land at 10am?« Jen had absolutely no clue what was going on here.

»I’ve been trying to call you the whole _night_ and you couldn’t pick up your damn phone _once._ «

She was not used to Lana snapping at her like _that_. Something must have pissed her off big time. »Woah okay, you know that we have to put our phones on silent when we’re on set!« Jen checked her phone and there were indeed five missed calls and some messages.

»Why didn’t you tell me that you’re filming in the first place??«

It felt like an interrogation, but Jen did not do anything wrong. It made her mad herself. »Lana, the days got switched kinda last minute because of the weather conditions and again, you weren't home! Also, no offence but I can go wherever I want with whoever I want. I don’t have to ask for your permission.«

»I don’t fucking care with whom you’re hanging out.«

» _Great_ , then what the _hell_ is your problem??«

»You really don’t _get_ it, do you??«

»Actually, no, I don’t.«

Lana sighed in disbelief. »Leave me alone«, she said, rushing past Jen.

Jen followed her because she would not leave it like that. She hated unsolved arguments. They would not let her sleep or concentrate on anything else. And although she never had a fight with Lana, she could imagine that this would have been even worse. »Lana-«

The bathroom door snapped shut. »Go away!!!«, Lana almost screamed.

»Did you really - oh my god.« She really locked herself up in the bathroom. What the fuck. Probably for the better though, because Jen had trouble not laughing directly in Lana’s face. She could not be serious right now. This changed when Lana did not come out for solid ten minutes. Jen tried to figure out what went wrong and if she had done something that could have upset her like that, but she came to the conclusion that she had not. She could have answered the phone, though, but she did not hear it. »Listen, I’m sorry that I didn’t pick up the phone, but I really had it on silent. If I had seen that you had called, of course I would’ve called you back.«

»I was worried _sick_ because I thought something has happened to you«, she said and it sounded not that angry anymore. More like she was actually hurt.

This really got to her, but she also had no idea how to solve this. Apparently Lana cared about her as much as she did. »Can you please come out so we can talk?«

The door unlocked and Lana opened it slowly, hiding her face behind the frame. Jen took her arm and pulled her against her in one movement. It did not take long until Lana nuzzled her head into Jen’s neck. »I really don’t care when you go out with friends, really. You can do whatever you want. But please let me know when you don’t come home so I know that everything is okay.«

»I will, I promise. And I would have if I had known that you were already at home waiting for me.« If she had been the one waiting for Lana, she would have freaked out, too. Especially with all the shit that was going on in the world. 

»I told you that the plane would land at 10pm.«

»You didn’t, you said 10am, Jesus.«

»I did?«

»Yeah. Or maybe I misunderstood. I don’t remember, but it was not my intention to get you worried. I’m sorry.« She really could not remember whose fault it was, and it did not matter. She was a little surprised that Lana considered that she could have made a mistake, too.

»I overreacted, didn’t I?«

Jen had to laugh a little because it reminded her of people telling her that this was Lana thing from time to time. »A bit. But I don’t care, I love you nevertheless.« Jen swallowed. Shit. She did not want to say that; she did not want to let Lana know how deeply she felt for her, not yet. But she was way too flustered to talk herself out of it.

»…you _love_ me?«, Lana asked, slowly releasing herself from Jen’s embrace. It was even worse now that she was staring directly at her.

»Uh, I… yes.« Actually Jen had promised herself to wait as long as possible before telling her this, because she was afraid that saying it out loud too soon would ruin everything.

Lana came closer again, cupping Jen’s face, searching her lips and finding them for a tender and long kiss. Jen dug her fingers in the fabric of Lana’s shirt, her hands resting on her waist. Even when they parted, Jen let her eyes closed to cherish the moment for a little longer. She would never get tired of this. Kissing Lana was her favourite thing to do.

»I love you too«, Lana whispered.

 

******

 

»What if your family doesn't like me?«, Jen asked, while she was looking out the small airplane window. They would be landing in less than an hour and Jen’s anxiety grew with every second. There was so much that could go wrong. Her hands were sweating, but that was probably because she never really felt comfortable on airplanes.

»They will like you, Jen, don’t worry«, Lana said and put down her book to comfort the woman next to her, who was clearly way too stressed to read, which was quite unusual.

»Yeah but what if they don’t?« Jen really was not feeling well. »What if they hate me and want us to split up?«

Lana leaned back in her seat, still looking at Jen, smiling gently. »Then they have to spend the holidays without me, because I won’t break up with you.«

Jen nodded and took a deep breath. This was just as stressful as she had imagined it to be, but she knew that it was the right thing to do. »What did your mom say when you told her that it was me who you’re with?«

»Well, she was surprised of course, but she thinks you’re very pretty.« Lana’s voice changed when she said »pretty«, it got all high and squeaky. »And she won’t tell on us.«

Finally the plane landed and everyone was waiting to get their luggage from the baggage claim carousel. Last time Jen was at JFK airport she headed to New York Fashion Week. Crazy how much had changed since then. They took a cab to Brooklyn, and even though the traffic was crazy during holiday season, they made it to Lana’s home in less than hour. It was hard to imagine that Lana had actually lived in such a busy town. The weather was a lot milder than Jen had expected.

»Here we are, that’s the house I grew up in«, Lana said, while the taxi driver took their suitcases out of the trunk.

The house on the other hand was exactly what Jen had in mind when Lana told her where she grew up. It was a cute townhouse that looked a little bit like Carrie Bradshaw’s house from Sex And The City. »It looks so cozy.«

»I love to come back here every once in a while.«

Right after they made their way up to the stairs and before they could ring the bell, the door was flung open and a brunette woman was standing in the frame. »There you are!«, she said and hugged Lana tightly.

»Hey Mom«, Lana said. 

»I haven’t seen you in ages, my little Pumpkin«, she said and looked her over. »What happened to your hair, it got pretty long! You look good!«

»Thanks Mom.«, Lana said and turned to Jen. »This is Jen, my girlfriend.«

»Oh, of course! Hello, Sweetie. I’m Dolores.« Jen expected a handshake, but Lana’s mom chose to give her a welcoming hug instead. »She’s even prettier in person«, she said to her daughter.

»I know right«, Lana said and Jen blushed in an instant.

»Thank you so much for inviting me«, Jen said to Lana’s mom.

»Sweetie the pleasure is all mine. Also, I’m curious, I want to get to know the woman my daughter is dating.« She said that like it was the most common thing in the world. Nothing unusual about that. It was awesome.

Jen smiled shyly and Lana squeezed her hand in return to assure her that everything went well and there was no reason to be worried anymore.

»Come on in, dinner is almost ready«, Lana’s mom said and helped them with their suitcases. 

There were a few people there, waiting for the Thanksgiving dinner. Lana introduced Jen to her sister Deena, who seemed to be a little more distant towards Jen than the other family members, who were delighted to meet her. Jen could see that Lana was unpleasantly surprised at her sister’s reaction. She was almost a little disappointed that Deena seemed to have no intention of getting to know Jen.

»How’s Fred?«, Deena asked instead, sipping a cup of tea. Jen was pretty sure that this was a conversation where she should shut up and hope for the best.

»How should I know, we broke up«, Lana answered coldly, probably still figuring out what was going on. So did Jen.

»Like, what? Two month ago?«

She was being so rude to Lana and Jen wondered if the two always argued like that. Lana said she and her sister were like best friends, though. 

»If you have something to say, say it. I don’t have time for hints and stupid comments«, Lana said and crossed her arms.

»Well, I just think it’s a little curious that you threw away your marriage just like that, without Fred doing anything wrong.«

This was exactly was had been bugging Lana when she was about to make her decision. She felt guilty, and Jen hoped that Deena’s words would not do that to her again. God, Jen really wanted to say something, but this was neither the time nor the place. 

»You don’t know that. In fact, you don’t know anything about my life.«

»Lana, I just want you to be happy and to finally find someone you can settle down with. I know how much you want a family of your own and you had that with Fred and the boys…«

Well, that was something Jen could not give her. A family.

»Not that it’s any of your business, but I wasn’t in love with him anymore. That’s it. I won’t stay with someone I’m not in love with just because it’s a safe option. And for the record, I’m currently very happy. If you weren’t so busy judging other people, you would probably see that.« Lana turned to Jen. »We’re done here.«

Thankfully, it was really only Lana’s sister who seemed to have a problem with the situation. At dinner, Jen had a conversation with Lana’s aunt, who was an actress herself. She also gave Jen some tips for acting on stage, because Jen considered taking part in a play quite soon. Lana’s mom could not stop talking about Jen’s princess-like hair, not even when Jen admitted that these were indeed extensions and not her real hair. All in all Jen felt incredibly welcomed and accepted.

 

»I’m sorry about my sister, I have no idea what has gotten into her«, Lana said while Jen was busy trying to find her toothbrush in her suitcase. 

They were staying at the guest room that used to be Lana’s room when she was still living here. A part of Jen was disappointed that she did not get the chance to see her teenie room, because everything was already redecorated. »It’s not your fault. I would’ve said something but it didn’t feel right.«

»For the better, she probably would’ve insulted you or something. She was in a mood.« Lana shook her head. It seemed to be bothering her how her sister behaved towards them.

»Is she always that hard on you?« It was not stupid what her sister had said. If it really was Lana’s dream to settle down and have a family, then it is indeed a bit odd that she broke up with Fred, but maybe what she wanted more was love and that she could not have with her ex husband anymore.

»No, not at all! We’re so close, I don’t know what’s wrong with her.«

Jen remembered the photos she had seen in the hallway, of Lana and her sister on the beach or at weddings and birthdays. It was sad that they were now talking to each other in that tone. »Maybe it’s because… well because I’m a woman?« The thought was always in the back of her mind.

»My sister is not a homophobe«, Lana said immediately.

»Okay.«

»She really isn’t. She knew about my past girlfriends too. It wasn’t as serious as we are but still, she accepted it.«

»Or maybe she just liked you with Fred and is a little disappointed that it didn't work out?« When Jen had seen Lana and Fred together, they always looked madly in love and super happy.

»No idea. I’ll talk to her again, though. I won’t accept this«, Lana said, fishing for her pyjamas that were right on the top of her suitcase.

»At least your mom likes me«, Jen said proudly as that was her biggest fear. Moms had always been critical with her.

»Yes, but I knew that. There’s nothing to hate about you«, she said while switching her blouse for the much more comfortable pyjama shirt.

»Wait until I’m having a migraine day. You’ll be out the door in a heartbeat.« On days like these Jen could be really annoying, and she knew that, but she could not do anything about it.

»I’ve already seen you on a migraine day, remember?«

»Oh, true. Of course I remember.«

»It takes a little more than that to make me leave«, Lana said and briefly touched Jen’s back before she was making her way to the bathroom.

»Glad to hear that«, Jen mumbled and grinned.


	16. December 2015

»Hey stranger«, Rose said when Jen arrived at her apartment. It had been ages since they last hung out, and Jen felt really bad about it. She never wanted to be one of those people that forgot about their friends once they were in a relationship.

They used to talk about everything going on in their lives, no matter how minor or embarrassing it seemed, and now Jen could not open her mouth without lying to her. It was a hard and horrible thing to do for her, but it was necessary. Maybe that was the reason why she avoided Rose as much as she could, and why she was glad that she was not working on the show anymore. She was working on another show that was also filmed in Vancouver and at first Jen had been glad that they were still working in the same city, but not under these circumstances.

»Do you want some leftover pizza?«, Rose asked.

»No thank you«, Jen answered sitting uncomfortably on Rose’s sofa and started tugging on the sleeves of her sweater. It was not easy to look her best friend in the eye while straight up lying to her face.

»Am I bothering you or something?«

Jen quickly realised that she send off the wrong signal. She should have asked a question because she really did want to know what was going on in Rose’s life. »What, no! What makes you think that?«

»Well, you don’t really look like you want to be here.«

»I do!! My life has just been so crazy lately.« She ran out of excuses. That was pretty much the reason why she agreed on hanging out with Rose in the first place. Jen would have preferred to wait until she could tell her the truth about her love life. Suddenly her phone blinked and when Jen read Lana’s name she could not suppress a smile.

»Oh my god!« Rose said, almost screamed enthusiastically. »You have a girlfriend!«

Well, fuck. Jen hated herself for the loss of control of her own body when it came to anything related with her girlfriend. »I- I don’t, gosh.« This was the lamest attempt of talking herself out of a situation. It was just really hard for her to hide how happy she was.

»Come _on_! Look at you oh my god, tell me _everything_!«, Rose said curiously. 

»It’s nothing, really.« Jen blushed so hard and her smile was so broad that she could not fool even herself. When Rose was on to something, it was very hard to convince her otherwise.

»Oh my god, is it the girl from the bar?? Jen I’m _so_ happy for you!« 

»Claire? No, it’s not her…« In her mind Jen was thinking of a name, any name, but suddenly she did not know any female names except for Lana’s.

»Who is it then? I wanna see a picture! Where did you guys meet?«

Even though Jen already knew that it was far too late, she tried anyway to keep the secret to herself. »I- I really can’t talk about this. If you knew you’d understand.«

»Oh because she’s still in the closet?«

»No, she’s out.« She could have just said yes, ugh.

»Then what’s the problem? I don’t get it. Are you afraid that I will judge you? Because I would never do that.«

»I know, I’m not afraid of that. When we can make it official you’re the first one to know, I promise.« Finally something she did not have to lie about. Of course she would immediately call Rose.

»Oh shit, it’s someone from the cast, isn’t it? That’s why you can’t tell, because you haven’t contacted the office yet?«

She wished Rose would just let it go and stop putting her in this situation. It was also clear that she was trying to figure out who it could be, who could be gay besides Jen. Her phone blinked again, and this time it was Rose who grabbed it before Jen had a chance.

»Oh shit«, Rose said. »Shiiiit.«

»Give it back!«, Jen said angrily and pried her phone out of her hands. »I think I’m gonna go now.« This was just rude and disrespectful.

»No, I’m sorry! That was a shitty thing of me to do. But damn, you and Lana?? I didn’t even know that she’s a lesbian. What happened with her husband?? You finally told her what you felt for her and she told you that she felt the same??«

Jen realised that she would make the situation far worse if she did not explain things to her. Only then she could be sure that Rose would not tell on them. »She’s not a lesbian, she’s bi. I swear if you tell anyone about this I-«

»Wow I can’t believe you mistrust me that much.« Rose sounded quite offended over that.

»I do trust you but this is serious. You know what will happen if anyone finds out.« Goodbye acting career.

»Why haven’t you talked to the office yet?«

»We will, we just wanted to wait and see how things are going to work out.« It was not something they were talking about on a daily basis, but they did have this conversation.

»And are they working out?«

»Yeah, I think so.« Jen had no doubt that Lana was the right person for her.

»This is so cute, you are _so_ smitten oh my god. I don’t exactly understand why Lana, but-«

»Stop, she’s awesome. You just don’t know her like I do.« It had bothered Jen when Rose had talked negatively about Lana from time to time in the past, but she had never said anything about it.

»I’m kidding, I’m really happy for you two. Damn, I would love to see Ms Patal’s face when you tell them«, she said and leaned back on the couch.

»They’re going to kill us.« That was a fact. Jen was terrified of that moment because she was sure that they were going to reject them so bad.

»You think?«

»I mean, they don’t even allow us to talk about a fictional gay ship. They try to control our private lives as much as they can because they are convinced that this is important for the show. What do you think will happen if they find out that two of their lead actresses are gay?«

»Could be trouble. But also publicity?«

»They don’t want that kind of publicity. They don’t want anything gay to be associated with their show.« They had proven that a lot of times in the past and this was not Jen’s anxiety talking.

»That’s so… ugh, I don’t understand.« Rose shook her head.

»Me neither.«

»But still, I’m sure everything will work out better than you expect.« Rose always tried to be optimistic even in situation where being optimistic equaled being totally delusional.

»I hope so.« She did, but she knew better.

 

******

 

It was a rather cold day in Vancouver and Jen had to wear her thickest winter jacket to keep herself warm. Also, it was snowing like crazy so she was barely even able to see her hand in front of her face. But there was no way she could put this off another day because she had already trouble sleeping. It was too close to Christmas to postpone Christmas shopping again. Before she met up with Ginny, Jen had decided to grab a pumpkin spice latte at her favourite coffee shop in Vancouver. 

»Hey! Sorry, traffic was crazy! Also I had to stop at McDonald’s because the little prince craved some«, Ginny said while giving Jen a brief hug. They decided to go shopping together due to the fact that Ginny was late with buying Christmas presents as well.

»Yeah I know, almost as if we were in LA. How is he?«, asked Jen and referred to Ginny’s little but visible baby bump.

»Well and healthy. That’s what the doctors say every time we go to ultra sound. And it’s always _music_ to my ears«, Ginny said and placed her hand on her belly.

»I believe that.«

»So where do you wanna go first? Who do you need presents for?«, she asked and Jen’s panic grew.

»Uhm, I only need one, actually. Not gonna celebrate Christmas in Chicago this year«, she said sheepishly and focused on the snow she had tramped down.

»Why? Did something happen?«, Ginny asked concerned.

Jen blushed but thanks to the temperature her cheeks had already been red. »Nothing happened it’s just… we couldn’t decide where to go so we are just gonna spend it only the two of us together.« Jen kind of swallowed the words »we« and »two of us together« because she was not comfortable talking about what they had even though Lana had told Jen that Ginny already knew. It was pretty clear anyways that she knew exactly what was going on. Technically she had been with them when they had fallen in love so she should be able to be honest with her.

»Oh, I see«, she said touching Jen’s arm with a slight smile on her face. »I get it. You two are adorable. But that doesn’t answer my question: where do you wanna go first?«

Jen took a deep breath. It was not the thought of everyone knowing that she was into women that stressed her out, it was more the actual telling people about this that gave her major anxiety. Because she knew she should not tell people, at least not until she had talked to the office. »I’m not sure maybe the jewellery store? I thought maybe I should get her a necklace or something.«

»Well then let’s head this way. I need a watch for Josh. He already picked it out because he was worried I would get the wrong one.« Ginny laughed and linked arms with Jen.

They were not the only ones who were a little late with Christmas shopping. The stores were crowded and everyone seemed to be in a rush. Especially in the Jewellery store. It seemed like the best stuff was already sold out and Jen couldn’t find something that would fit Lana’s personality. At least Ginny got the watch for her husband. The panic was real. Jen was literally the worst when it came to buying presents but it had seemed a lot easier with the guys, though. They were not as complex as women, Jen figured.

As they were walking down the snowy street, they came across an old music store that sold vintage vinyls and CDs. Jen stopped to look through the dirty window, because vintage stuff was kind of her thing, and spotted a David Bowie vinyl, one of Lana’s favourites.

»Talking about fate«, Jen said and smiled relieved. »I think I know what I’m gonna get her for Christmas. Wait a sec, I’m gonna get in. David Bowie is her favourite singer«, said Jen pointing through the window.

»Well, I think you’re too late.« Ginny said and Jen noticed where she was coming from. A young man had grabbed the vinyl and was making his way towards the checkout. 

»Ahh shit«, Jen said while rushing into the store. »Wait!«, she almost screamed.

The customer turned around immediately as he noticed that it was him Jen was talking to. »Wow, calm down lady!«, said the kind of good looking man holding the vinyl.

»Please tell me this isn’t the last one«, she asked him and at the same time also the cashier, who was covered in tattoos and looked a little bit too relax concerning the amount of customers that were in his store. She didn’t even care that they were staring at her.

»Sorry, last one. I can order it for you if you want to. It won’t arrive before Christmas tho«, he said raising his arms.

»Fuck«, Jen cursed before getting it together and looking at the young man who was about to buy it with puppy eyes. »Listen, I really, really need the vinyl. Would you mind if I bought it? I would give you the money.« She looked past him out the window, where Ginny was watching her crossing her fingers.

»No, under one condition.« The man smirked, totally checking her out.

Jen realised a little too late because she was totally desperate, after she begged: »Anything. I’ll do anything.« She was pretty sure this guy had no idea who she was because people tended to be a lot less confident when they recognised her from television.

»I’ll give you the vinyl if you go on a date with me«, he said smirking confidently and raising an eyebrow.

Jen could feel the hope fading. The guy would never leave the vinyl to her. »Anything except for that? Like, I’m in a relationship and… that’s what I need the vinyl for. It’s a Christmas present.«

»Well, too bad then«, the man said, left Jen flat and proceeded to buy it.

What a jerk. »Please! Come on!« Normally Jen would not even bother to talk to someone like him but again, she was desperate.

»At least he must have a good taste of music then«, the guy said looking at the cover.

She could have just said »yes« or nothing at all, but it felt wrong. It started to bother her that people were that heteronormative towards her. »He is a she and yes, she loves David Bowie«, she said and it felt good and right and relieving. Even though it did not matter at all that she came out right here because these people were strangers and she would never see them again, to her it mattered. It was another step closer to being herself. And if one of them recognised her and she read about her coming out on the news tomorrow, she would have one problem less. Probably a million more instead, though.

»Oh wow okay sorry; I wouldn’t have taken you for a lesbian«, he said looking extremely uncomfortable. Almost as if Jen was the first lesbian he had ever met.

»Well, it’s not written on my forehead«, she said sarcastically.

»You look so pretty.«

»Uhm… thanks?« Jen could not take this as a compliment because she was busy with calming herself down. It really got to her that people still had these stereotypes in their minds and she was proud of herself that she had said something.

»Take it. I can wait till after Christmas. Happy holidays«, he said and gave Jen the vinyl. 

»Oh thank god, thank you! You too!« She said and breathed out loudly. She had finally found the perfect gift, right on time.

 

Jen immediately regretted bringing her trolley suitcase to Montana as she noticed it was quite hard to heave it through the ankle-deep snow all the way up to their cabin. Lana seemed to have the same problem. At one point her trolley got stuck in the snow and she fell over and bursted out laughing. Jen took the opportunity to attack her with a snowball which lead to a snowball fight and Jen did not stand a chance against Lana. After they had arrived at their cozy cabin, Lana had stirred a fire in the fireplace while Jen had been making hot chocolate with marshmallows for the both of them. They spent the rest of the evening in front of the fireplace listening to Christmas carols and enjoying each other’s company. It was exactly like Jen had imagined their holidays to be. In fact, she had never thought this would happen to her. Ever.

On Christmas morning they sat down in front of the fireplace to exchange presents. Jen was wearing one of Lana’s oversized Christmas sweaters as she did not own one, and according to Lana she could not wear normal pyjamas on Christmas Day. She was a little nervous to give Lana her present because she suddenly had doubts about it, but she did it anyway.

»I’m starting«, she said and gave Lana her stocking and the vinyl wrapped up as a separate present as it was too big to fit in. Jen could not help but to pull out her phone to make a photo of her girlfriend because she looked so cute. It was their first Christmas together and she did not want to forget it. Ever. Since she had started working as a director Jen kind of had a thing for capturing moments, even more than she already did.

»Wow Jen that’s a lot«, Lana said enthusiastically. She bit her lip while pulling out the little gifts Jen had put into her stocking. It was mostly some tea, the lingerie she knew Lana wanted and some of her favourite chocolate. »Thank you«, she said and leaned in to give Jen a kiss.

»There’s one left«, Jen said but did not stop her from coming closer.

»I know but I want to kiss you now«, Lana said and placed a small kiss on Jen’s lips before paying attention to the present. While she was unwrapping it her eyes grew wider until she teared up a bit. »Jennifer«, she stumbled in surprise.

»Do you like it?«, Jen asked although she already knew the answer. Lana’s facial expression had given it away.

»I love it so much, thank you!«, Lana answered and flung her arms around Jen’s neck so she had to put away her phone that was still in her hand, even though she never made that photo because she was too busy staring at her girlfriend. Jen wrapped her arms around Lana’s body and took a deep breath because her scent was always so comforting to her. She wondered if this feeling in her tummy would go away the longer they were together, but she kind of had given up on that. 

Lana removed her body from Jen’s but kept sitting on her lap. Jen kept her in place by holding onto her hips. 

»How did you know I’ve wanted this?«, Lana asked while Jen was smiling like an idiot. There was nothing that made her more happy than seeing Lana happy. And suddenly she loved gift-giving despite the stress.

»I didn’t know; I just guessed. I saw it and knew you would like it. And I almost had to go on a date with a guy to get it.«

»What?«

»Never mind, not important.«

Lana cupped Jen’s face and kissed her softly, so softly Jen thought she would start melting any second. Since she was able to kiss Lana she realised how much she had been missing out on all those years where she had tried it with men. It was an entirely different experience. Not sure if it was because of women in general, or because Lana was just really good at what she was doing. Jen put her hands under Lana’s sweater to feel her skin on her’s and started drawing circles while Lana was still busy driving Jen crazy with those insane kisses. Jen tried her very best not to touch her girlfriend inappropriately.

When Jen was this close to giving in, Lana released Jen’s lips. »Now I don’t wanna give you my present. It sucks«, she said, millimetres away from Jen’s face.

The air between them was so hot it was almost burning. Jen stared in Lana’s dark, almost black eyes. »You’re here with me. That’s the best Christmas present you could’ve given me.« The silence between them after Jen said her thoughts out loud gave her goosebumps all over her body. She did not want to be too much or overwhelm her girlfriend with romance or something. It was not even her thing. But in this moment it felt right to say out loud what this woman meant to her. 

Lana was just looking at her like she needed a minute to put her feelings into words. She was definitely just as surprised as Jen was. »There’s no place I’d rather be right now«, she whispered and gently stroked Jen’s face.

She waited with her response. Partly because she wanted this moment to last a little longer, and partly because she had trouble speaking as she was feeling way too much. »You-. I-.« Her brain had disconnected itself from the rest of her body. »Merry Christmas.«

Lana chuckled. She enjoyed throwing Jen for a loop. »Merry Christmas, Jen.«

And Lana’s present did not suck at all. She bought her the book Jen wanted for so long but had always been sold out, her favourite mints, and a personalised Starbucks cup. This woman knew her too well. 

After that they went on a sleigh ride through the forest while it was snowing heavily. Jen had not even known that this was a real thing. She had thought that only happened in movies or something. Lana had been mocking Jen because she looked like a burrito with her thick winter jacket and those two scarfs she was wearing but when it got chilly Lana was glad to have someone warm to cuddle up to. Their holidays ended with a candle light Christmas dinner just for the two of them and Jen wished they would never have to leave this peaceful place.

 

******

 

On New Years Eve there was always something magical in the air. People behaved differently. Some of them could not wait to put a year full of sadness and despair behind them and others say goodbye to the best year of their lives. For some it would be the last year and for some the first. All these emotions mixed up filled the air with excitement and electricity.

»Can you help me with the dress?«, Lana asked from the bedroom.

Jen was in the bathroom doing her makeup, which never took long because she was not really the heavy makeup type, so she put down the brush and rushed to the other room. »Of course.«

»I can’t close the zipper«, Lana said, struggling to hold the almost knee-length dress in place.

Jen carefully put Lana’s hair aside, so she could close the zipper on Lana’s back. She allowed her self plenty of time, though. When the dress was closed, she placed a gentle kiss on Lana’s neck. »Can’t we just stay here? There are so many things I’d rather do right now.« For example removing that dress from Lana’s body in an instant.

She chuckled. »No, we promised to come to Josh and Ginny’s party.«

Jen placed another kiss on Lana’s neck, tracing the sides of her body with her fingers, barely even touching her, but apparently that was enough.

»Stop«, Lana said without really meaning it. »You’re making me weak in the knees.«

»That’s my job.« And she loved doing it. Even though chances were high that Lana would not give in right know, it did not stop Jen from trying her worst. Without overthinking it, she pressed her body against Lana’s back and tenderly wrapped her arms around her body while eyeing Lana’s reaction in the mirror in front of her. The brunette woman chuckled in response and started to stroke her lover’s cheek. Jen carefully slid her hands under Lana’s dress and let her fingers dance on her thighs, right below the spot where her fingers were supposed to be right now, while kissing the woman’s neck repeatedly. 

»H-Higher«, Lana whispered and closed her eyes.

 

They eventually made it to the party, way too late but still before midnight. Also, Jen arrived ten minutes later than Lana to not raise any suspicion, because a lot of people from the cast would be there. Even Colin and his wife came and brought their son with them, so Ginny and Josh’s son would have someone to play with. Normally the kids should have been asleep by now, but not on New Year’s Eve. The fireworks would wake them up anyway.

Rose immediately made her way towards Jen and spammed her with questions about how things were going with her and Lana. Thank god that Lana had not been mad at Jen when she had told her that Rose knew about them. Lana had understood and had said that it was good that Jen now had someone to talk to about them because that really was important in case they got in a fight or something.

While Rose was updating her about her life, Jen looked around and hoped to spot Lana somewhere, and she did, chatting to Ginny and Bex. She felt relieved and now she could concentrate on what Rose was saying. She told her about the new show she was working on and about some guy she had gone out with. Sometimes Lana would look over, locking eyes with Jen and smiling back and forth. Jen hated the fact that she could not just walk over and lay her arms around Lana’s waist to show everyone that they belonged together. She also found herself being jealous once in a while when Lana talked to people Jen did not know, afraid of them flirting with her because they thought she was single. It would only be a matter of time before someone would try to flirt with Lana and that thought terrified her more than it should have. She was nervously keeping an eye on that one guy that had been checking out Lana from behind the whole time.

Jen put her glass of champagne back on the plate and excused herself to catch Lana for a second. She needed to get it off her chest right now.

»What happened?«, Lana asked worriedly when Jen took her aside.

»We have to talk to the office. About us. Like, first thing in the new year«, Jen said hastily.

Jen could tell that Lana had no idea what was going on by the way she stared at her and furled her eyebrows. »Okay, we will. But why all of a sudden?«

»This is ridiculous. We’re in the same room but can’t even talk to each other because we’re afraid people would notice what’s going on. I want everyone to know that you’re with me.« Jen tried to speak quietly, which was not that easy as she was more agitated than ever. This was a waste of time, every second she spent hiding herself and the person she loved was a waste of time.

»I understand and I feel the same way but what happens if the office declines us?«

They had talked about that before, but Jen did not know that Lana was thinking about it from time to time, too. She also did not know that apparently she was really afraid of what could happen. »I… I don’t know. But we have to at least try, right?«

»Yes, you’re absolutely right. So I can take you out to dinner, to concerts, to the movies… live my life with you.«

Jen decided to ignore what she said because otherwise she would be getting emotional again and this was a serious matter. »Yeah. So you in?«

»Of course.«

»Good. Because this… is not right.«

»Does it bother you that people think I’m single?«, Lana smirked and bit her lip again. 

Sometimes Jen hated that she was so weak for her girlfriend, but not really. It felt good to let down the walls from time to time, and with Lana she felt safe. »Well, yeah. Especially this guy.« Jen was pointing at him with his chin. »Why is he… staring at you like that, undressing you with his eyes.«

»You’re cute when you’re jealous. But don’t worry, no one in this room will ever see me naked, except for you«, Lana said and grabbed Jen’s hands for a second, only to let them go in an instant when she remembered that they were in public.

»If we were alone I would kiss you right now«, Jen whispered to make sure only Lana could hear it.

»And I would kiss you back.«

So this was not the year Jen would get a New Year’s kiss at midnight for the first time (she stole one later, though, when no one was looking). And it was probably childish to even think about that. She was a grown woman, not a thirteen year old teenager. Deep down she felt sad that she had missed out on all that. She had never experienced what it was like to be with someone she actually really had feelings for, until now. Romantic stuff had made her throw up a little instead of excite her. Kissing had been okay, but not a necessity. Sex had been rather annoying than fun. Until now.


	17. January 2016

That loud annoying melody that was Lana’s ringtone woke both of them up way too early in the morning. Jen was almost happy that it was not her phone so she could just pretend she did not hear it and continue to sleep. They were at Jen’s house in LA, because they were not filming and there was a lot of other stuff to do, like appearances and press, so LA was the better place to be right now. Also, they were planning on going to the office this week to tell them about their relationship so they could finally make it public and would not have to hide any longer.

»Yeah?«, Lana answered her phone sleepily and as quiet as possible. Sweet that she assumed Jen did not hear her phone go off. »Uhm, yeah. Why is that?«, Lana continued to talk to the person on the phone and Jen started to get curious, as Lana started to sound a little bit worried and way more awake than she had been a second ago. »Okay. We- I can be there in an hour.« Lana’s face screamed »fuck«.

»Who was that?«, Jen asked as soon as Lana hung up the phone.

The brunette continued to hold the phone in her hands for a little while longer and said nothing, as if she was processing what she had heard.

»What happened?« Now Jen was worried too, sat up and crawled closer to her girlfriend.

»It was the office«, Lana said and looked just as confused as Jen was. »They want us to come over, as soon as possible.« It was not a surprise that they knew that they were in LA and were indeed able to be there super soon. The PR department were always the first one to know everything.

»Why?«

»I don’t know, but we should get ready.« Lana ran a hand through her hair and crawled to the edge of the bed.

Jen stayed where she was a little longer. She could feel her anxiety coming back. »How did they know that I’m with you?«

»I have no idea. But apparently they did, otherwise they would’ve called you too.«

»Shit, do you think…?« Jen did not want to say the words out loud. That would have been the worst scenario possible.

»I really don’t know, we have to go there to find out.« Apparently Lana noticed that Jen was about to panic, so she made her way back to her and took her hand. »Hey, don’t worry. It doesn’t matter, we wanted to tell them anyways, right?«

Jen let Lana kiss the back of her hand without actually feeling it, because her mind was elsewhere. »But not like this! Do you really think they will let us get away with this if they find out that we lied to them and breached the contract?«

»Well, maybe they won’t be happy about it, but I’m sure they’ll come up with something. We’re still people, they can’t blame us for something we can’t control.«

Lana clearly had not had a lot of meetings with them. She had never been their main target, and neither was Ginny or Josh. It had always been Jen and later on Colin. But Jen mostly. And she was glad that Lana had never gone trough this, but in this case she was a little too positive. Jen wanted to believe her, but she knew better.

 

This time it was not only Ms Patal, but also the guy whose name Jen finally remembered, it was Mr. Rayford, and two other men in suits Jen had met briefly in the hallway a few times but never spoken to. One of them seemed to be even more important than the others by the way he was sitting in his chair. Jen immediately knew that this was not going to end well.

They told them to sit down, and god, what would Jen have given in this moment for them to still be in Vancouver, far away from the office and what was waiting there for them. What scared her most was not that everyone looked at them like they had let them down big time. It was that not even Ms Patal was talking. She was standing next to the guy, who was sitting across from Jen and Lana. He had a tablet in front of him and slid it over. That was the hint for both of them to take a look at it, but Jen could not. She hesitated and studied Lana’s face instead, who was leaning forward to look at whatever it was. Her face fell immediately and her eyes shifted to Jen, seeking comfort she could not give her.

With sweaty hands Jen scrolled through the pictures on the tablet. The first ones showed her and Lana, hanging out on set. They were sitting on the ground, Lana was laying in Jen’s arms. Jen remembered that day. Lana had been so tired as they had been shooting the whole night so Jen had wrapped her in a jacket and let her rest for a few minutes in her arms during break before they had to go back to set. She had been convinced that they had been alone and no one had been watching them. Also, that was not a hint for them being girlfriends. The next photos could count as evidence, even though they were a little bit blurry. They showed them holding hands while they were walking to the coffee shop late at night. They were walking behind the group and Jen remembered that she had grabbed Lana’s hand for _one second only_ when no one was looking. The last photo was unmistakable. It showed them kissing, Lana on her toes and Jen leaning against a wall. The person who took it was standing behind a corner or something, because half of the photo was black. But it was obvious that it was them. The lights and the decoration indicated that it was at the New Year’s Eve party.

Jen’s stomach clenched and she was eyeing Lana, who was just staring at the wall. She was probably thinking of something that could save them from this situation.

»Yes, that’s why we are in LA. We wanted to come here and talk to you about this«, Jen stepped in and tried to sound as convincing as possible. There was no point in lying, they would not believe anything they said. Probably not even the truth.

»So you know that these pictures were taken?«, Mr. Rayford asked suspiciously. Something in his voice was kind of scary.

»No, of course not. But we wanted to tell you that Lana and I are, in fact, seeing each other and we wanted to inform you about that before it goes public. Just like it says in our contracts. These photos must be pretty recent, because we haven’t been dating for long.« That came out confident and Jen was pleased with herself. Maybe they still could turn things around.

»Our source told us that you were in a relationship and have already moved in together. Is that correct?«

»That… sounds a little bit more serious than it is. I’m going through a divorce and it seemed like the best solution to move in with Jennifer temporarily. We barely see each other, because we’re working really hard and we still have our actual homes in LA«, Lana explained just as calmly and confident as Jen did. That was the only ace up their sleeve they had. 

»It is news to me that it is difficult to find a place to live in a city like Vancouver«, Mr. Rayford said and crossed his arms. It was pretty clear that he did not believe them in the slightest.

»Well, it is.«

Actually, Lana had never even looked for properties. They both enjoyed living together far too much and had no intention of Lana moving out again.

»Since when are you involved with each other? Roughly.«

Of course Jen considered lying and telling them that it happened right before New Year’s and that it was not possible to come over sooner because of the holidays and stuff. But they seemed to be well informed and probably knew the answer already. This was a test and being honest was the only option they had left. »Since… October?«, Jen said looking at Lana for confirmation.

Lana nodded. »Yes i think that’s about right. We would’ve come over sooner but work kept us really busy.«

Mr. Rayford started to write something down, probably some notes. Jen’s anxiety had reached a peak and her head started pounding like crazy. This was too much stress for her to handle. Tomorrow would be a migraine day, that was for sure. »How come I’ve never seen these photos until now? Shouldn’t they have spread like crazy? Who even took them?«

»We were able to convince our source not to publish them or post them on the internet, but there are still rumors. We won’t tell you names for obvious reasons«, Mr. Rayford said almost as if he was deriding her. So it must be someone they knew. Of course, no one else had access to set where most of the pictures were taken. Jen wondered how much they had payed them to keep their mouth shut.

»You are aware of what it says in the contracts both of you signed?«, he asked.

»Yes. And we apologise for every inconvenience that was caused because we came here late«, Lana answered politely.

»Luckily, we already have a solution to this. We found a property and the company has decided to pay for it. All you have to do is move in. Isn’t that great?«, Mr. Rayford said sarcastically and Jen’s blood began to boil. These bastards had never intended to let them go through with this. 

»Uh, yes, thank you«, Lana said a little bit confused but Jen was convinced that deep down she knew exactly where this was heading.

»It was brought to our attention that you and Mr. Di Blasio aren’t divorced yet so we thought you could leave it like that«, Mr. Rayford said as if it was the most common thing to do. »It would keep the rumors and negative press at bay.«

»And why would I do that?«

»Because I assume you two want to keep your jobs and want to continue working in the industry after your contracts end, am I right?« He said and continued to take notes. »So, your main residence is in Los Angeles, is that correct?«, he turned to Jen, »We would like you to stay there as much as possible. We really don’t want any negative press or dating rumours as it could really damage the reputation of our company.« He faced Lana. »You can stay in Vancouver. We already talked to Mr. Di Blasio and he agreed to accompany you to events and appearances. That should work in our favor.«

Jen began to shake with rage and she was not sure if she was about to scream or cry. Or both. The way that guy looked at them, like they were his property and it was obvious that he could dictate them what to do, made her want to punch him in the face. This was just a show - they already knew exactly what had happened between them.

»But why can’t we just tell everyone the truth?? It wouldn’t harm anyone??«, Lana asked not so calmly either. But she seemed to be a little more surprised than Jen was, obviously.

»Actually, it would. You know, sometimes people have a hard time differentiating between fiction and reality. It would have a massive negative impact on the show and we don’t want that. That is not what our company stands for.«

That was enough. He could not possibly actually believe in what he was saying. »That’s crap and you know it! The real reason is that we’re two women, and your homophobic ass- personalities don’t wanna be connected with that.« Normally Jen would never use such a language towards her superiors, it was very unlike her, but this was too much. She was furious. And normally she was not someone who lost her temper easily.

»There’s no reason to insult anyone here!« Mr. Rayford raised his voice but Jen had no intention in keeping her mouth shut.

»There is! This is discrimination, when Ginny and Josh-«

»Ms. Goodwin and Mr. Dallas also play a couple on the show, it was a win-win situation. However, we’re really sorry, but this is unacceptable. No one is forcing you to sign for more seasons but until April 2016 you have to do as we say.«

The thing that bothered Jen most was that he was right. They signed the damn contract and by doing so they gave them the right to treat them this way. »I won’t let you dictate-«

Before Jen could continue Lana stepped in. »Fine, we accept that. What else do you want us to do?«

Jen stared at her in shock. She could not be serious right now. But she trusted her enough to believe that she might have a plan.

»There are indeed a few things. No get-togethers when you’re not on set and even on set - you know that fans are visiting and they’re taking pictures, and videos… so try to avoid being seen together or anything that could make outsiders believe that there’s something going on here.«

»Ridiculous. Do you even listen to yourselves?«, Jen said but Lana rose to speak again.

»We understand.« She was so calm and gave them the impression that she really was on their side and was ready to literally do what they wanted her to.

»Great. We’re sending you the information regarding the house via e-mail in the next few hours, it would be good if the moving took place as soon and as discrete as possible. We also booked you a flight back to Vancouver for tomorrow morning.«

Jen swallowed at the words »moving« and »as soon as possible«. The thought of not waking up next to her anymore fuelled her already crippling anxiety. 

»Of course.«

»And Ms. Morrison, due to your behaviour we want you to check in regularly so we can make sure you really do like we told you to. You know, just in case.«

Jen clenched her fists. »Whatever.«

 

Jen fought back her tears until they were out of the building and even then, because she did not want to be pitied by Lana. She seemed to be absolutely okay with what they just heard and what that meant for them. It hurt, and it hurt even more than she wanted to admit. No one said a word as they were walking towards the car, Jen’s lips were trembling. Both of them seemed to be processing what had happened.

Lana broke the silence first. »Jen-«

»What the hell was that? I can’t believe you care so little about us, I-« She really did not want to start a fight because she was not a friend of confrontation, but she was so angry at herself and the whole situation that she could not keep it in. 

»Would you just let me explain-«

»No! God, I was so fucking stupid.« She really was afraid of Lana saying something that could hurther even more.

»Jennifer, would you please listen to me??«, Lana raised her voice.

»No«, Jen said and started crying in the middle of the street. It probably was the fact that she called her »Jennifer« that was the final straw.

»What was I supposed to say?? Tell me! Tell me one thing that I could’ve said or done to make them change their minds??« Lana talked with her hands a lot and apparently did not even notice the couple walking past them.

She had a point. But still, it irritated Jen that she was able to keep a clear head in there when they were literally forcing them to end their relationship. Jen did not know what to say as it was not really Lana she was mad at. She was mad at herself for signing that contract in the first place and then for not being able to keep her hands to herself when her and Lana were in public. If she had never touched her outside of their apartment, they would not have been in trouble right now. Jen wiped off her tears in one movement.

»Come here«, Lana said softening her voice, because she probably did not want to fight either. She grabbed Jen’s hips and put her forehead against her’s. »We can make it. It’s only one year. They can’t change the way I feel for you. Never.«

»One year and three months«, Jen corrected her painfully. »I wanna know who took those photos and I wanna know why.«

»Me too. It was probably someone who knew about us.«

»And definitely someone from the cast or crew. No one else has access to the set. That narrows it down to… Ginny and… Rose.« Jen was ashamed of herself for even considering Rose. What kind of friend was she that she would even name her.

»And Bex, but she would never do something like that. Neither would Ginny, I know her far too long, she supports us«, Lana said in an instant.

»Rose is the last person that would tell on us.« And Jen was sure that what Lana said about Ginny was true. She was not sure about Bex, though. She did not know her that well, they barely even had scenes together and never hung out off set.

»There are probably even more people that know. Who knows who might have seen us when we thought we were alone«, Lana said and stroke Jen’s arm, lost in thought.

»We have to start somewhere. I really wanna know why they destroyed our lives like that.« The first thing that came to her mind was that maybe someone found out about them and was jealous. Who knew how many people had a crush on Lana and wanted to put Jen out of the way.

»We should start by asking our friends even if it’s super uncomfortable. We’ll find out, don’t worry.«

That was not what Jen was worried about in that moment. »I can’t say goodbye to you«, she confessed quietly, almost whispering. »I just can’t.« Even the thought of living miles away from her girlfriend drove Jen crazy.

»You don’t have to. We’ll see each other all the time on set. We just have to think about how we gonna handle this.«

»What do you mean?«

»Like, if we actually wanna wait or if we wanna… break up for good and… I don’t know, try to move on?« 

The word »break up« caused Jen’s stomach to clench painfully. They had each other for so little time and Jen was not ready to end things, not at all. Lana was considering it, she was considering a breakup. God, Jen wished she would have never come to LA in the first place. Her little bubble was about to burst and with it her whole world. »W-What do you wanna do?«

Lana inhaled deeply and stared through Jen, like she was not even there. »I don’t know what’s best.«

»You said we can make it? I believe that, too.«

»We can, but… I’m not sure if we should. Like I said, my feelings for you won’t change, but… I don’t think it’s healthy or good for us? Long distance relationships aren’t easy.« Lana picked her words carefully, as if she was afraid Jen could take it the wrong way.

In fact, Jen had no idea how to take it. She could not even figure out what Lana actually wanted to say. A part of her was really angry at the woman in front of her because it fit with what she had said in the office. But it did not fit with what she said to Jen and how she behaved towards her. »If you think it’s best that we split up, then that’s what we should do.« She was well aware that this was provocative and to some extend she wanted it to be, because she was hoping for Lana to realise how serious this was.

»I’m not saying that we should break up and I’m not the only one who has the right to make a decision here. It’s about us, not me. What do _you_ want?«

»I don’t wanna be with someone who thinks being with me is unhealthy. I don’t wanna be responsible for you feeling unhappy. I’m with you on the breakup part.« Lana’s eyes turned watery and Jen immediately felt bad for what she had said, but there was no turning back. 

»I was thinking about _us_ , both of _us_!! We will be living miles apart from each other, the office will watch us and control every move, and when they find out that we’re still together we _both_ lose our jobs!! Do you wanna live like that?«

The answer was easy. Of course Jen would want to live like that if that meant she could still be with the woman she loved, even if it they would see each other only via FaceTime. It was a little more than a year and Jen had no doubt that she could handle that. Apparently she was crazy for thinking that way. Lana made it sound impossible and maybe Jen was selfish for willingly putting her job at risk. Lana was right, it was about the both of them. Every inch of Jen’s body hurt and the limp in her throat grew with every passing second. »No, you’re right. Maybe we should end this. Maybe this wasn’t the right time for us.« Jen shrugged and smiled sadly. Her voice did not sound like her’s at all. »But«, she added, »if you still want me one year from now, I’ll be there. Because I believe that we’re meant to be together, no matter the circumstances.« It was a miracle that she could even form words considering how hard she tried to swallow her tears. »I want you to live your life and to enjoy every minute of it, but if you don’t find what you’re looking for… you’ll still have me.« 

»Jen«, Lana snivelled without looking her in the eyes. Instead, she snuggled up to her and indicated that she wanted to be held.

Jen coldly put her arms around Lana, trying not to enjoy it, trying not to rest her chin on Lana’s head or to touch her more than necessary. If they were breaking up, than they had to do it now. Jen could not handle hugging or kissing Lana goodbye. This was never going to happen. She almost tried to push her away after a few seconds, even if it hurt like hell. When she saw Lana’s eyes swollen from crying, she caught herself wishing for her to find someone who could make her happy, even if it was not Jen.

 

They drove back to Jen’s house and she asked herself how it was possible that her life had changed that drastically within a few hours. She had left the house hoping to come back as the official girlfriend of Lana Parrilla. Instead she returned as a single woman. Jen numbly helped Lana to pack her suitcase; she did not bring much because they were not planning on staying here for long. They did not even talk because there was nothing left to say, except there was a lot. In secret Jen hoped for Lana to change her mind after she had slept on it, but she did not. Jen had not slept. Instead, she had been staying in the living room, watching TV the whole night. She needed that, she needed something to distract her from the fact that her ex-girlfriend was sleeping in her bed and Jen was not allowed to sleep next to her anymore because, well, they were ex-girlfriends. Lana wanted to go to a hotel for that night but Jen had insisted on letting her stay here. 

 

It all happened so fast it was unreal. The next morning Lana stood in the doorway, her eyes red and puffy. Jen’s heart heavy like a stone.

»I’ll leave the keys with your doorman«, Lana said. She still needed the keys to get her stuff from Jen’s apartment. From their apartment.

»Wish I could help you move. Actually, I don’t, because I wish you wouldn’t move out at all«, Jen confessed meekly. A part of her was relieved that she did not have to watch her lover leave. The other part of her craved for every second in her presence, no matter how painful it would be.

»I know, I’ll ask Ginny.« 

»You sure you don’t want me to drive you to the airport?« At least then she would have Lana by her side for another thirty minutes. Maybe even more if there was a lot of traffic. 

»I’m sure. The cab will be here any minute.« Lana put on her shoes and grabbed her jacket that was placed on top of her suitcase. It was supposed to be a short trip. They were supposed to leave together. »You okay?«

Jen tried to lie, but her face forced her to tell the truth. »No. You?«

Lana shook her head. »But we will be, right?«

»Eventually.« Hopefully Lana would be. Jen did not want to be the reason for Lana to lose her smile,her laugh, that intoxicating laugh she fell in love with. There had to be someone out there that could bring it back as soon as possible. 

A car came to a halt in front of Jen’s house and they both knew what that meant. Suddenly Jen felt the need to tug Lana closer, to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her how much she loved her and to just not let her go.

»Goodbye«, Lana said and rushed out the door almost as if she was afraid of what she might have done if she had stayed there for a little longer. At least she kept her promise; Jen did not have to say goodbye to her.

Jen’s lips started to tremble and she slid down against the closed door, finally letting her tears flow.She had been fighting it the whole night, because she did not want Lana to stay out of pity. »Come back«, she whispered against the wood, fighting the urge to run after her. When she heard that the car was starting, something inside her broke. The numbness disappeared and all she felt was pain and loneliness. She had lost so much in only a few hours.


	18. February 2016

The pain caused Jen to be unable to concentrate on anything else but that. Her migraines were as bad as ever and she spent a few days totally knocked out, sleeping, forgetting to eat, forgetting to shower. There was nothing she could have done to fill the emptiness inside her. It was just her, lying on her bed in complete darkness, wearing a Christmas sweater in February. The one Lana gave her when they were on holidays in Montana. Lana did not even notice that Jen never gave it back. Somehow it felt like a part of Lana was still with her. Jen buried her nose in the fabric, closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. It smelled like detergent and Jen regretted washing it after they came back from their trip. Every inch of her body missed the brunette. She was desperate to go back to her apartment, to find evidence that Lana really was a part of her life, at least for a short period of time. 

And she indeed made a found there. It was the first time in days she went somewhere else than her bedroom or bathroom. It was a week full of fittings so they had to let Jen fly over to Vancouver. When she arrived at her apartment building, the doorman gave Jen the keys that once belonged to Lana. Jen thanked him and pressed her lips together. It was way too quiet in her apartment. Half of her closet was empty. The surface around the sink was clean, instead of being covered in makeup products. Her absence was noticeable, everywhere. When Jen approached the rather empty bookshelf a chuckle escaped her lips. Apparently Lana forgot to pack her copy of »Fifty Shades of Chicken.« She stroke her fingers lightly across the back of the book, lost in thoughts. Not long ago she was standing with her girlfriend at the exact same spot. Suddenly her phone buzzed and she felt instant disappointment when she saw that it was not a message from Lana.

»Hey Mozza, what are you doing? Wanna meet up for coffee? xx« 1:03pm

The least she wanted to do was to go outside right now. She just wanted to sleep and to stop feeling, to stop thinking, to stop living for a moment. She had spent years feeling nothing, so feeling everything at once all of a sudden was a little too much for her to handle.

»I can’t, sorry. xx« 1:04pm

Jen started to unpack her suitcase and to throw her clothes straight into the washing machine. Except for the sweater, because then it would smell even less like Lana than it already did. 

»?« 1:06pm

It was not right to be that cold towards her best friend, but she just did not have the strength to constantly explain herself.

»I’m sorry, I’m not feeling well.« 1:06pm

»Everything okay between you and Lana? Saw her yesterday at table read. She looked exhausted.« 1:07pm

Jen typed a few things and then deleted them again. There was no point in lying and talking herself out of this situation.

»:,(« 1:08pm

»I’ll be at your’s in half an hour.« 1:08pm

She could not avoid social interaction forever and starting with Rose was probably a good idea. It was not exhausting having her around. And maybe talking about it would somehow ease the pain a little.

 

»I brought ice cream. Chocolate, your fave«, Rose said when Jen opened the door. 

When Jen thought about food she felt like throwing up. There was no way she could eat a can of chocolate ice cream right now.

»You look…« Rose looked at her critically from head to toe.

»Don’t say it, I know.« Jen had avoided mirrors, but when she had been in the bathroom she accidentally looked in one. A pale version of her with dark circles under her eyes had been staring back at her.

»When was the last time you ate??«

»Can’t remember.« She did not really notice that she had lost weight, but now that Rose said it she realised that her clothes were a bit loose.

»You wanna talk about it?«

Jen shook her head, let Rose enter the apartment and guided her towards the living room. Her half empty suitcase was standing in the hallway and therefore shoes and clothing covered the floor.

»Anyways, filming schedule is a mess this season. Have you gotten yours? I’m almost glad I only have to film a few scenes. I heard the others talking about it, they said they would try to shoot several scenes from different episodes all in one day which is kind of unrealistic«, Rose chatted andeven hearing about anything related to this show made Jen’s blood boil. »Adam himself said so but they didn’t listen to him.« Rose said down on the sofa placing the can of ice cream on the table.

»They stopped making sense long time ago. If I could quit my job I would do it in an instant«, Jen said trying to hold in her anger and to sound as casual as possible.

»I think you’re not the only one. I feel really sorry for everyone, hope ABC gets their shit together next season.«

She did not want to ask, but she needed to know. She needed to know if Lana was hurt as well or if she just moved on like nothing ever happened. Also, there was this tiny bit of hope that she was thinking just as much about Jen as she did about Lana. »Did, uhm, Lana say anything yesterday?«

»To me? No, why?« Rose furrowed her brows. Jen had not filled her in yet. 

»I just thought, maybe, I don’t know…« Of course she did not care about how broken Jen was. They made a deal not to contact each other so they would have time to start over without being constantly reminded of what could have been.

»What happened between you two?«, Rose asked and took off her coat. She loved gossip, but this was not her gossip-face. On the contrary, in fact. She seemed to be sorry for Jen even though she did not know what had happened yet.

»We, uh, broke up.« It was almost as if Jen’s muscles tried to fight against saying these words out loud so it would not be so real.

»Are you serious?«

»Yeah.« Jen leaned back and tugged on the sleeve of her pullover so she would not have to face her best friend.

»Jeez. I thought you two would be together for longer or maybe even forever, I mean, after all these years you couldn’t be with her…«

Jen nodded and concentrated on her breathing. The least she wanted to do was to cry again. Her life was a mess, and her poor friend had always had to listen to her whining about her problems.She bit the inside of her cheek. »Me too.«

»Did something happen? Did she cheat on you?«

Jen laughed a little. At least then she would have known for sure that Lana was not feeling the way Jen felt. »No, she would never have cheated on me. I think I was really important to her. And she is to me. It had nothing to do with us or our feelings for each other. It… it was the office.«

»They don’t want you two together?« Rose knew about the contract because obviously, she had signed it too.

»No they don’t. Maybe, if we went there before they received those pictures, we could’ve convinced them otherwise.« Maybe she should not tell Rose about the photos, but in that moment she did not really care. She was just trying to make sense.

»W-What photos?«

»Someone took photos of Lana and me. When we thought we were alone. And apparently, for whatever reason, they sent them to the office instead of posting them on the internet. You know, sometimes I think it would’ve been better if they had posted them. At least then the office wouldn’t have been able to force us to break up. Everyone would just… know that… that Lana and I were in love. Maybe then she would still be my girlfriend.« Jen grabbed a tissue to prevent the tears from falling because they sure as hell were about to. It’s been more than three weeks, but it hurt like it had happened seconds ago.

»That… sucks.« Rose were looking for words she could say, but there was no witty comment for Jen’s miserable situation.

»Yeah.«

»Who… who took the photos?« Rose voice turned quieter and a little higher. Probably because she was well aware of the sensibility of that subject.

»I have no idea. But I’ll find out who it was.« Jen’s fists clenched again and she could feel that Rose was about to drift away. Of course, Jen annoyed even herself by being the always crying friend. If she wanted her to continue to hang out with her from time to time so she had to show her that she could indeed think about something else but her problems. »I don’t wanna think about it anymore, I can’t. Gimme that ice cream. Can we watch The Kardashians and pretend like the real world doesn’t exist?«

»Mozza…« Rose did not move. She sat up and looked at Jen for a brief moment like she was incredibly guilty of something. 

»Yes?« There was this thought in her head but she repressed it as fast as she could. Rose would never. It must have been something else.

»Fuck. I fucked up.« Now the younger woman could not look Jen in the eyes anymore.

»What do you mean?« If she was about to tell Jen what she thought she was about to tell her… hell no. This could not be it.

»I had no idea, I swear, I had _no_ idea!« Rose buried her head in her hands and sounded like she was about to cry.

»What are you talking about?« By then, Jen knew. It just had not reached her conscious yet.

»The photos… I… they told me they wanted to file them so when this would go public they would have some footage for articles and stuff… fuck.«

»…what?«, Jen asked almost silent.

»They… they called me in and asked me about you and Lana and of course I said I had no idea what they were talking about but they said they already knew and that they wanted to wait for you to be ready to talk about it because it would be good PR for the show and they offered me money to take some pictures and I said yes because I thought it would be for a good cause and-«

»You’re kidding, right? You’re fucking kidding me?« Jen had found her voice again, stronger than ever. She looked and Rose in disbelief and disgust and it took all effort not to start yelling.

»I am so, so, sorry. God, I know I can never make up for that.« Now she was crying but Jen could not care less.

»Just to be clear - you spied on me and my girlfriend, the girlfriend I told you about because I trusted you, took photos of us and sold them to ABC, a company that has been treating me like shit for five years now, which you know about because again, I trusted you with that information?« Reminding herself of all the times she trusted her best friend when she clearly should not have fuelled her anger even more. It was hard to believe that she had been _that_ stupid and blind. She regretted every moment she had talked to Rose and every second of her time she had spent with her.

»If there was any chance I could undo what I did, I would! You have to believe me.«

»Get the hell out of my apartment.«

»I-«

»I said get. _the hell._ out. of my apartment!!« She yelled the last word and did not care in the slightest that Rose really was crying. She just wanted her out of her sight because otherwise she would have yelled at her even more. That person was not worth being yelled at. In fact, that person was not even worth being thought of. 

»Can you at least let me apologise properly?«

»I don’t wanna hear your apology. There’s nothing you could say that would save our friendship. I have _nothing_ to say to you, only that I want you to leave and that I _never_ want to see you again«, Jen said in a tense and serious tone, but without the yelling. She wanted Rose to understand what she was saying so she would never have to deal with her ever again.

Rose grabbed her coat and slowly made her way towards the door. Jen opened it for her and indicated that she wanted her to leave immediately. Before Rose could say another word, and she was about to, Jen slammed the door shut right in front of her face.

After her friend was gone, Jen wandered around in her apartment without a goal, without something to do. Her hands were either on her hips or covering her face. Her mind was trying to comprehend what had happened, to understand that for the past years, she had trusted someone she should not have. Never in her life had Jen been betrayed like this. For fuck’s sake, Rose had been her _best_ friend. She was the least person Jen had expected to do something like that. Her blood was boiling, she was so mad and wanted to hit something so bad. But instead of doing so, she grabbed her headphones and went for a long run.

 

******

 

New York Fashion Week was supposed to be a distraction. Nothing could possibly remind Jen of Lana there, right? Wrong. It had worked, until she went to a show from Oscar del Rent, also known as Oscar de la Renta, and she had to think of that stupid dress and that stupid day in Paris and that stupid smile on Lana’s face that was actually beautiful and Jen missed it very, very much. At least she had gotten her hair and makeup done so no one saw what a train wreck she actually was. The fact that it was Valentines’s Day was not really helping to brighten her mood. When it all got too much Jen went to the bathroom and locked herself up in one of the stalls. until her breakdown was over. There were several times when she had been really close to texting Lana and begging her to come back to her, but she had always managed not to do it. Just like this time. 

The real torture began when she saw Lana again, at the party to celebrate the 100th episode of Once Upon A Time, and she acted like she would not even know her. Lana had not looked at her once, not once. Of course they could not talk to each other that day, it was literally an ABC event, but still, Lana could have at least acknowledge Jen’s presence. Instead, Lana spent the evening with Sean and Bex, laughing and having fun like there was no tomorrow. Ginny was not there, so Jen stayed with Colin and Helen, preferably far away as possible from Lana so she would not hear her voice. Rose was there too, but except for a cold »hi« and a photo for social media reasons Jen ignored and avoided her as much as she could. One more word out of her mouth and Jen would have lost it. Weird how much she could hate a person she once called sister from another mister. After that night Jen could not help but feel guilty. She wanted Lana to move on and to be happy but it also hurt like hell that Jen was not a part of that happiness. Something was definitely wrong with her because it seemed like the pain would never go away. It was not like they had spent a lifetime together. It had only been a couple of weeks, why was she not able to move on?

Back home she walked her dog for an hour, contemplating her life and thinking about the fact that things would be much easier if she lived in Vancouver. She missed Claire, Ashley, and Taylor a lot and would have loved to spend time with them. At least they were understanding when she told them that because of her job she would not be in Vancouver that much. They had a group chat though, so Jen kept up with what was going on. Apparently that girl Claire had met at the restaurant was indeed bisexual and also now her girlfriend. Jen was happy for her.

That also got her thinking if she would ever have a girlfriend again. If it was possible for her to love someone other than Lana. Because right now and in all honesty, that seemed rather impossible. Jen poured in a glass of wine and made herself comfy on her sofa. She wanted to read, but before that she started googling how long it would take to get over a breakup. She never really had a bad breakup, or at least none where the stabbing pain in her chest stayed longer than a couple of days. The only results she got was that it depended on what type of person one is and blah blah blah. In the middle of an article Jen’s phone buzzed. She read Lana’s name. Her heart clenched.

 

It happened too fast, way too fast for Jen to prepare herself emotionally. After Lana’s message she did not even think twice. She could not have cared less about the consequences she would be facing when she gave in to what her heart wanted so desperately. So she found herself nervously tapping her fingers on the steering wheel of her car that was parked in the huge parking lot of LAX airport in the middle of the night. It was quiet, except for the noises that came from the planes starting and landing above her head. »Don’t come inside. Wait in the parking lot. We can’t risk being seen«, Lana had said in her message. The message Jen had read over and over again because she could not believe what it said. She had not expected Lana to reach out to her, for whatever reason. But she did. »I really do hope you are happy with how things are but in case you aren’t: I’m landing in LA tonight. If you’re in, wait for me at the parking lot. Wait for me.« 

Jen checked her phone to figure out if Lana’s plane had landed on time, and it did. She calculated how long it would take her to get her luggage and then find her way to the parking lot. Maybe she arrived at another terminal and had to take a shuttle. Jen came up with a million excuses on why she was not with her yet to keep herself from freaking out. A few minutes later she checked her driving mirror for the hundredth time and sighed with relief. She hopped out of the car faster as ever not even taking the time to close the door and ran towards that brunette woman who was carrying a suitcase in one and a smaller bag in the other hand, visibly struggling with the weight. It stopped when she saw Jen, because she dropped her stuff in one movement. When Jen was close enough she took her in her arms around Lana’s tiny waist and lifted her up for a second, only a few inches, so their bodies would be even closer together.

»How could you even _consider_ that I would be happy without you?«, Jen said almost offended, not loosening the grip around the woman’s waist. She buried her head in Lana’s neck, smelling that familiar scent that sent butterflies straight to her belly. It was hard not to cry, because the stress and the anxiety of never being with Lana again somehow vanished in an instant and Jen’s body could not cope. It felt so good to have her with her again, to be able to hug her and just hold her without letting go.

Lana surely did not care about crying in public. »I missed you, I missed you, I missed you«, she sobbed and repeatedly placed kisses on Jen’s neck. Her fingers clenched the fabric of Jen’s jacket. »I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.«

»Shh, there’s nothing to be sorry for«, Jen whispered in her ear, stroking her back. It got to her when Lana was crying, even if it was out of joy.

»There is, it was my stupid idea, god«, Lana mumbled, her head still buried in Jen’s neck.

»And I agreed. We had to try. We tried and we failed. All good. We’re good, right? I mean, what are we? I’m sorry I don’t wanna pressure you but I can’t enjoy this unless I know that it won’t be the last time.« Jen bit her tongue trying not to overwhelm Lana with her panic.

»It won’t. I don’t know how but we have to make it work.«

»We will make it work. We will make it work.« She closed her eyes while saying this, letting her heart speak. It broke her a bit that Lana had obviously been suffering over the past weeks otherwise she would not be that emotional right now. 

»Jen?«, Lana mumbled after a few minutes of silence and both of them just enjoying being in each other’s arms.

»Yes?«, Jen swallowed.

Lana slowly pulled away, holding on to Jen’s upper arms. »I missed you so, so much. I really had no idea that I would miss you _that_ much.«

The way Lana looked at her, her eyes still a little bit wet, her face softer than ever, did something to her. »I missed you too, my Sunshine.« Jen cringed a little though, right after she said that nickname out loud. She had been calling her that in her head for a while, because that was what Lana reminded her of, but it was weird to actually voice it. »And I’m gonna say something very cheesy right now and if you hate it please forget about it immediately, okay?«

Lana chuckled. »Okay.«

»I love you, Lana. I think I will never be able to love someone as much as I love you. Like, I was in so much pain when you were gone, even if it was just for a month. I was so afraid that I would never get to kiss you again. I had no idea that I could feel this much for another person. You mean, uh, more to me than you’ll ever know.« 

Lana looked at Jen softly, placing her hands on Jen’s cheeks, before laying her lips on her’s. Jen could feel that Lana made sure to put everything in that kiss to soothe the pain she was in the past five weeks. And Jen did the same.

When they broke the kiss Jen smiled while observing Lana’s outfit.

»What?«

»You… you are wearing the sweater. The Disney sweater. You wore it when we first met.« Lana’s hair was shorter back then, but that was literally all that had changed when it came to her physical appearance.

»Oh, you’re right. You remember that?«

Every single detail. »Yeah. You were late for the meeting.«

»That was not my fault!«

»Sure.« Jen put Lana’s hair behind her ears so she had better access to stroking her cheek with her thumb. »Why are you in LA though? How much time do we have?«

»We have tonight and the whole day tomorrow. I’m here for an interview but I’m gonna cancel it and just tell them that I’m not feeling well.« Lana sounded like she had already planned this.

»I could drive you and pick you up? I’m sure it won’t take that long.« 

»I don’t care how long it takes, I’m not doing it. It’s still time I could spend with you instead.«

She was determined, but that did not stop Jen from at least trying to convince her otherwise. »I don’t want you to put your job at risk for me. You don’t have to do that.«

»I’m not risking my job, I can reschedule and do the interview via Skype or something. It’s just for an article«, Lana said leaning into Jen’s hand that was still on her cheek.

»You sure?«

»I’m sure.«

Jen thought of ways to talk her out of it but it was difficult, especially because she would have done the exact same thing. »It’s getting chilly, we should head home. Are you hungry?« She did not want to separate from her, but she knew she had to do that in order to be even closer to her when they were at home.

»Not for food.«

»… I- I’m just gonna pretend you did not just say that«, Jen said while putting Lana’s suitcase in the trunk of her car.

»I love making you nervous«, Lana said and grinned mischievously.

»I know.« And in secret, Jen loved it too.

 

A warm breath in her neck gave Jen goosebumps all over her body. Hands were slipping under her loose flannel and started caressing her tummy. »I like that shirt«, a husky morning voice mumbled that belonged to her girlfriend.

Jen smirked and almost forgot how to use the coffee machine. She eventually figured it out again though so the coffee was pouring into her mug. »Why is that?« She wanted to turn around and look into these gorgeous brown eyes that were waiting for her, but Lana’s hands felt far too good on her skin to do so.

»Because it’s easy to take off.« Lana said while unbuttoning it slowly. 

Jen stopped her though and turned around to face the smaller woman. »It’s not fair to attack me like this in the morning.«

»Who says I’m playing fair?«, Lana said and grinned and came closer so their lips touched again for a brief moment and their fingers intertwined. 

Jen was convinced that she would never be over how soft Lana’s lips were and how they made her feel when she touched her with them. 

»Can you play for me again?«, Lana asked eyeing the piano.

Without any hesitation Jen walked over, not letting go of Lana’s hand, sat down on the piano chair and let Lana slip onto her lap. She then placed Lana’s hands on the ivories with her’s above them, trying to ignore the warmth in her belly that occurred when Lana was that close to her. Her body still had not adjusted to the circumstances, to feeling so much all at once.

As Jen was taller than Lana it was not hard for her to look over her shoulder so she could see what their hands were doing. She moved them in order to play a little melody, a familiar one, Jen’s hands guiding Lana’s over the piano keys.

»I still don’t know how you pulled that off back then«, Lana said taking control of her own hands again.

»I told you I could play by ear.«

»Yeah but just like that?«

»Just like that«, Jen answered and started nibbling on Lana’s ear, but Lana stopped her by tilting her head to the side abruptly.

»Don’t… don’t do that«, Lana said on the verge of laughter.

»You ticklish?«, Jen said, her lips hovering over Lana’s shoulder instead, smiling into the small kiss she placed on it.

»…maybe«

»Oh really? Well in that case…«, Jen said attacking her again, until she almost fell off the chair. But Jen got her, holding her tight around her waist.

»Stooop, why would you do that«, Lana responded laughing.

Jen did not have to think twice about her answer. »Because your laugh is my favorite. Sounds better than any melody I could come up with.«

Lana stayed silent for a moment before readjusting herself on Jen’s lap so she could face her. »People normally find it obnoxious.«

»It’s not, it’s the opposite. You crinkle your nose a little, and there’s this vein on your forehead, and… and the way you squint your eyes it’s… it’s adorable.« She tenderly traced the shape of Lana’s face with her finger. »I’m sorry, I’m just really in love with you.« 

»I wish I could stay here with you.« She sounded sincere and suddenly Jen felt sorry again for making her life so difficult. But she had managed not to text her, it was Lana who had made the first move.

»Me too. Don’t think about saying goodbye again, though. We have the whole day together.« Just thinking about that made Jen super excited.

»You’re right. And I don’t understand why you’re still wearing that shirt«, Lana said and continued to unbutton it, a bit more aggressively than before.

»What has my shirt done to you all of a sudden, I thought you liked it?«

»It’s in my way. I’m getting grumpy when things prevent me from getting what I want.«

Jen could not comprehend that Lana actually wanted to see her naked that desperately. Not that she did not like her body, she did, but when she looked in the mirror she never found herself desirable. She was working out and was in shape, but still. She would never understand what that woman saw in her. Why she desired her. Why she had chosen her.

 

They did not do much, except that for Jen it was everything. They managed to move from the chair to the sofa; their bodies stayed glued together. Jen made sure that not one part of Lana’s body remained untouched, and so did Lana. Midway through Jen realized how chaotic her actions were but it was okay, because somehow they were in sync with Lana’s. Their movements coincided and they communicated without words. Jen enjoyed watching Lana when she was touching her and she loved her body language, the way she responded to her. For a moment Lana belonged to her and only her. And as good as it felt, it felt even worse when she had to let go again.  
The only time they left the living room was when the food they had ordered arrived. At some point Jen turned on the Wii she had bought for when the little ones in the family came to visit her, and it was the funniest thing ever to see Lana play. Jen considered letting her win at least once, but she was too competitive for that. For that she blamed her brother, though. Lana was so bad at video games and Jen found it adorable to watch her. She even lost when Jen did not pay attention to the game but ate the rest of her broccoli pizza instead, holding the controller with one hand. The result was that Lana accused her of cheating and vowed to never pick up a controller again.

 

There was something Jen needed to tell her, though. The reason why they were in this situation and not still living together in their apartment in Vancouver. The reason why they could not leave the house and therefore risked being seen together. So when they arrived at the parking lot where Jen had picked her up maybe 24 hours ago, she unloaded Lana’s suitcase and grabbed her waist with a heavy feeling in her chest.

»Hey, we’re not gonna split up again. I’m only yours; no matter where we are«, Lana said as she must have noticed that something was wrong. She placed her hand under Jen’s chin and stroke it gently with her thumb.

»There’s something I have to tell you.« Jen would have given everything to stay lost in Lana’s brown eyes for another hour or so.

»What is it?«, Lana asked a little concerned. She removed her hand so she could hold Jen’s.

»I know who took the photos and sold them to ABC.« The words came out heavily.

»You do? Because I couldn’t figure it out. I asked Bex but she promised me she didn’t do it.«

»It was Rose and I was so stupid«, Jen said and it surprised herself that it still hurt her to say it out loud.

»Oh no, Jen, I’m sorry. I know how close you two were«, Lana said stroking Jen’s upper arm.

»It’s my fault. I trusted the wrong person and god, I feel so guilty, you have no idea.«

»Stop blaming yourself, none of this is your fault. She was your best friend and she is the one who betrayed you. You couldn’t have seen this coming.«

»I should never have trusted her and I didn’t even wanna tell her in the first place. I swear I regret becoming friends with her.«

»I know you’re angry but think of it that way: because of her you found your friends who helped you to be comfortable with who you are.«

Jen knew Lana was right, but still, she would never be able to trust Rose with anything ever again. »I think I’ll never be able to forgive her.«

»You don’t have to.«

»So you’re not mad at me?«

»Why should I be mad at you? This could’ve happened to anyone. Me included.«

It took a load off of Jen’s mind, and she tugged the smaller woman closer to give her a kiss on the temple. Now that this was out of the way, the pain of letting Lana go set in big time. »Still can’t say goodbye to you«, Jen mumbled in Lana’s hair..

»It’s not a goodbye, it’s just a see you later«, Lana said and released herself from Jen’s embrace to give her a fake smile. With Lana it was so easy to distinguish an honest smile from a fake one. 

»One year and two months until our contracts end.« She was looking forward to that so much. Mostly because of Lana, of course, but also because she wanted to face new projects, because she wanted to direct rather than act.

»See? Not that long.« Another fake smile. God, Jen wished she would not have the ability to see that. She chuckled because this was clearly ironic. There was no way she would make this harder for the both of them by starting to cry. »Please call me when you’re home. And cuddle Lola from me.«

»I will«, Lana said. »I know you tend to keep your feelings to yourself but please text or call me whenever you need to talk, you’re never bothering me, okay? We can make this work.« 

Jen nodded and waited for Lana to take her suitcase and make her way into the airport, leaving her behind. Instead, she bowed her head to the side, grinned genuinely and intertwined her finger’s with Jen’s.

»What?«, Jen asked and smiled inevitably, even though she did not feel like it at all. But when Lana looked at her like that there was no chance she could fight it. 

»Am I your girlfriend again?«, Lana asked innocently, in that sweet tone that would always manage to twist Jen around her finger.

»Probably not for long. Watch out, next chance I get I’ll propose to you and make you my fiancée.« This was supposed to be a joke but Jen would not mind if it became reality. Not with Lana. The thought of being engaged to her did not scare her at all.

Lana did not break eye contact, and her smile widened. »Was that supposed to be a threat? Because it’s still not good enough to make me leave in case you wanna get rid of me.«

»Never.« Jen looked in Lana’s eyes for a little longer before her lips found her’s for a quiet and deep kiss. »See you later.«

»See you later.« Lana gave her a peck on the mouth as if they were saying goodbye for only one day or something. As if they were about to go to work and would see each other tonight again. And Jen really wanted to believe that. She kept holding Lana’s hand when she picked up her suitcase and turned around, and Jen struggled to let her go, but in the end she had to.


	19. March 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Thank you for your comments, they make me really happy :)

»Dude, stop that, I’m at rehearsal dinner with my family. You look good, though. Love the necklace. xx« 6:31pm, Jen texted back after receiving a picture of Lana’s cleavage with a smirk on her face. Normally she would not mind, but not when her entire family was staring at her.

»Oh, we’re back at »dude«? Mwah!« 6:31pm

»Only when you’re testing me, Sunshine ;)« 6:32pm

»Much better.« 6:32pm

Lana sent another one from a different angle and Jen shook her head and refrained from smiling too much so her family would not get even more suspicious than they already were.

»Three months and 23 days until we’ll see each other again« 6:37pm, Jen replied because yes, she was praying everyday for the time to go by faster. There was still hope that they would see each other before that, before filming, but it was very unlikely.

»Look who’s counting.« 6:38pm

»I’m not! …« 6:38pm

»You miss me. :)« 6:39pm

»Of course I do. Every damn day.« 6:39pm

»I miss you too. :(« 6:39pm

»Jennifer would you please put that thing away when we’re at the table, you’re not a teenager«, Jen’s mom said and she was kind of right. It was rude not to participate in the conversation with her family she saw maybe twice a year. Especially on that occasion. Her little brother would be getting married tomorrow and Jen was more than happy for him.

»I’m sorry«, she apologized and put the phone in her pocket.

»When do you plan on introducing him to your mother?« Of course her aunt started that topic again. Jen was indeed disappointed but not surprised that even on a day like this, the rehearsal dinner for her brother’s wedding, her aunt started questioning her about her love life.

»Excuse me?« She wanted her to feel how inappropriate these questions were and how uncomfortable she made her by asking that without being rude.

»Your boyfriend, Jennifer, we’re so happy for you.«

»Uhm, I still don’t have a boyfriend.«

»You don’t have to be ashamed of that. Or are you ashamed of us because you don’t want to bring him with you? Are you afraid we’ll embarrass you?«, Jen’s aunt would not stop probing her.

»What? No! I’m not ashamed of you, you’re my family! But I don’t. have. a. boyfriend.« Jen was thinking about some sort of evidence that could convince her family.

»We were young too, once. I know that look«, Jen’s mother said and squeezed her arm.

»Well, Jennifer is not the youngest anymore! It was about time«, her aunt said because there could be no conversation without her commentary.

»You can tell us anything. And don’t worry, no matter who he is we won’t scare him off«, Jen’s mother assured her. If it had only been her mother and her at the table maybe Jen would have been brave enough to tell her. The way she said that Jen could tell her anything made her believe in the possibility that her mom could actually accept her daughter being gay. Maybe her mom could convince the rest of the family that it was not a bad thing after all.

»You know you’re hurting your mother when you keep secrets from her.« Her aunt tried to make her feel bad about it and it was working big time. 

The last thing she wanted was to hurt her mother, so she gave in well aware that this would only lead to more and more questions Jen’s was not willing to answer. »God yes, okay, I’m seeing someone.«

»Really?«, her mother said enthusiastically, »Who is it? An actor?«

»I knew it.« Her aunt seemed to be very pleased with herself.

Jen was desperately looking for words to explain her situation. »It’s… not that easy. It’s someone from the cast and we’re not supposed to date our costars so I can’t really talk about it.«

»We’re your family, sweetheart, you know you can trust us.« Her mother acted so understanding and Jen was not used to that. It gave her confidence.

»Is it, what is his name, Colin? I bet it’s him, he looks very handsome«, her aunt guessed.

»But isn’t he married?«, Julie interfered.

»No it’s not Colin and yes, he’s married.« Funny how he was the first one they thought of.

»I can’t believe you haven’t told me about your boyfriend and let me find it out at the same time as mom«, her sister said almost offended. As if they would tell each other everything. That had never been the case.

»Who is it then?«, her mother asked again and Jen was extremely tired of lying. They would find out in a few months anyways. And then they would probably be even more offended if they read it online instead of Jen telling them personally.

The entire family had stopped their conversations to listen to Jen’s story and she had never felt this uncomfortable ever in her life. She would have loved to talk to her mother first, or maybe her brother, before informing her entire family about her sexuality and her dating life. This was not how she wanted to do this. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a second. This was even worse than she had imagined it to be. »My boyfriend is actually a girlfriend. Her name is Lana and she’s the woman who’s playing the Evil Queen on the show. You know, the brunette. She’s pretty awesome, actually.«

After that it was so quiet that she could hear a pin drop. She could not even hear her Uncle breathing and he was a really loud breather, which made her wonder if he was having a heart attack right in this moment. Whomever she looked in the eyes she found nothing but disbelief. They were judging her, everyone. The weird thing was it did not bother her as much as she had expected. Instead she was actually relieved that it was out now and that her family could finally stop bothering her.

»You’re a… lesbian?«, her mother asked and the way she said it clearly gave away her point of view. She said it like it was something dirty, maybe even disgusting. That actually hurt a lot.

»Yes, I am. It took me awhile to accept it though but I’m cool with it now. And I’m really, really happy with Lana. She’s… everything. She’s funny and caring and super gorgeous, like-«

»Stop that«, her mother said, placing, almost throwing, the napkin on the plate. »What did we do wrong?«, she asked facing her husband who did not dare to look up from his plate. Jen could tell that this whole situation made him very uncomfortable and she had to swallow the feeling of guilt because there was nothing she had to feel guilty about.

As her dad was clearly not planning on standing up for her, Jen had to do it herself. »What? This has nothing to do with you, people are born that way.«

»We should’ve never let you move to Los Angeles. Those people had a bad influence on you.«

»That’s what I’ve been telling you for years, Judy.« Of course her aunt sided with her mother.

»Were you even listening to me? I was _born_ this way.« Jen did not have the strength to be angry or to start shouting because she was busy trying not to burst into tears. This was a nightmare.

»No, you weren’t. You were such a sweet child.« Her mom covered her mouth with her hand like she had just heard the most shocking news ever and was now about to hold back the tears.

»I can’t deal with this«, said Jen and dropped her napkin on the table. Without waiting for a response she disappeared into the kitchen. She could not stand still and she had no idea what to do. If it was not for her brother’s wedding she would have packed her bags and left immediately. She could feel tears building up inside her not only because she was sad, but also because she was mad. It never really occurred to her that _everyone_ in this family could have old-fashioned views on topics like that. Her parents - yes. Her aunt - yes. But not even her sister said something. Her parents had always been rather conservative but come on, homosexuality was not something parents could raise their kids to be. 

At fist Jen had not even noticed that her brother was standing in the doorframe. He gave her a half-smile, opened up his arms, and indicated her to come and hug him. Of course she did. She sighted with with relief as her brother put his arms around her.

»I’m proud of you, Sis«, he said and Jen was not expecting that. It felt good to hear that, though. At least someone who was not ashamed of her.

While Jen’s head was resting on his brother’s chest she desperately tried not to shed a tear. »I’m sorry I’ve ruined your wedding. I hadn’t planned on doing this _today_.«

Daniel laughed a little. »What?? You didn’t to anything wrong. In fact, you kinda saved the wedding. No matter what disaster is gonna happen tomorrow it won’t make it to number one topic of conversation and I really love you for that.«

»Idiot.« She got where he was coming from. There had always been something that happened at weddings in this family and they would not stop talking about it for months or even years. One time a cousin of Jen’s wore a pink dress instead of a white one and the family was shocked.

»No, I’m serious. I don’t care if you’re gay or straight or whatever, you’ll always be my big sister that I kinda look up to.« He seemed sincere and not like he was just saying this to make Jen feel better because he could clearly see how miserable she was.

»You do?« In all these years he had never told her something like that and it was kind of sweet.

»Yeah, I mean, you always worked hard for your dreams and you’re intelligent and brave and I’m really proud to have you as my sister.«

Jen separated herself from her brother so things could not get more emotional than they already were and corrected his tie. »I’m proud of you too, Dan. Getting married.«, she shook her head and chuckled, »You know that Mom won’t stop bothering you guys until you give her at least three grandkids, right?«

»You bet. We are well aware and already prepared answers«, he assured her.

»Don’t let her pressure you into doing something you don’t want, okay?« The control her parents had over her and her siblings should not prevent her brother from doing whatever he wanted to do.

»I won’t. I’ve learned that from you.«

They shared a moment of silence. Conversations like this with her brother were very rare. They fought a lot when they were younger but in the end they had always sticked together. She had been closer with him than with her sister.

»I want to know everything about your Lana. And I want to meet her, obviously«, he said and leaned against the kitchen counter.

Jen could not help but smile. She was so proud that she was with a woman like her and she could have spent hours talking about her. It felt good that someone asked and genuinely wanted to know who her girlfriend was. 

»God you really are in love, aren’t you?«, Daniel grinned and poked her cheek. »You’re blushing!«

»Stop that«, Jen said and buried her face in her hands. It was not easy to figure out where to begin when describing Lana. »She’s… she’s so special. Like, when I first saw her I was kinda intimidated by her because she’s really pretty and extroverted and confident and stuff but then I realized that she’s just adorable and sweet and loving. And she makes me, I don’t know, a better person? You know that sometimes I tend to keep my feelings locked up and it’s not really healthy, but she gets me to kinda open up and talk. Everything feels like a hundred times better when I’m with her. And she’s gorgeous!«

»She really is pretty, we’re watching your show every Sunday. I’ve never seen you this happy. I wanna hear the _whole_ story.«

Jen chuckled. »You should go back, they’re waiting for you.« She pointed to the living room, from where she could hear chatting and she did not even want to know what they were talking about.

»Yeah probably. You can’t escape me, though! We’ll talk later.«

»Okay, agreed.«

 

Jen went upstairs into her room where she had unpacked a few things in the last couple of days, but not that much as she had planned on traveling back home after the wedding was over and she surely would not change her mind now. As soon as the wedding was done, Jen would be out of here. There was only one person she wanted to talk to right now and that was her girlfriend, so she grabbed her iPad and facetimed her. While it was ringing she realized that it was almost midnight in Vancouver and Lana was probably asleep. Right before she wanted to hang up, Lana’s face appeared on the screen. She was wearing glasses and a sweater so she had not gone to bed yet.

»Wait a second«, Lana said and disappeared again, giving Jen the chance to check out the ceiling of Lana’s apartment, »Okay, now I’m ready. Sorry but Lola was eating the plant again. She never learns. What’s up? How’s Chicago?«

Hearing Lana’s voice and seeing her face without being able to touch it made Jen realized how much she actually missed her, so she started bawling before she got a chance to speak. She needed her more than anything right now and everything hurt.

»Heeey, Babe«, Lana said in attempt to comfort her at least enough so she would tell her what the hell was going on. »What happened?«

»I don’t wanna be here anymore«, Jen sobbed and fished for some tissues that were laying on the nightstand so she could blow her nose.

»Why? Is your family bothering you again?« Lana took off her glasses she probably wore because she was watching TV.

Jen had told her once that their questions sometimes really got to her and made her feel like something was wrong with her. »Worse. I told them about us, because they wouldn’t. stop. asking.«

»You came out to them??« There was no way Lana could have seen that coming as Jen herself had no intention to do this any time soon.

Jen nodded, still trying to dry her tears with a tissue.

»I’m so, so proud of you«, Lana said and paused, »I assume their reaction was…«

»It was horrible«, Jen said and started crying again as she could still hear her mother’s words loud and clearly. »I’m a disappointment to them.« Jen told her what her mother and aunt had said, and that everyone else had just stayed silent, and that her brother had been the only one who had not mind and had tried to comfort her. That she was angry and disappointed in her family and that she had seen it coming but had gotten her hopes up after what her mother had said to her at the table.

»Jen, I… god I wish I could be with you right now. I wish I could hug you and tell you that everything’s gonna be okay. They probably just have to… let it sink in, you know. Jen I’m so sorry.« Lana sounded like she was about to cry, too, so Jen had to keep it together. What was even worse than crying was watching Lana cry.

Jen shook her head. »Like I told you, they will never accept that. And it’s okay at least now i know for sure. After the wedding they’ll never see me again.« She switched her position from laying on her stomach to sitting cross-legged. It was hard for her to imagine never seeing her family again and she hoped they would eventually come around when they would see that she was serious.

»You’re staying for the wedding?« Lana was obviously worried.

»Yeah.« At least they had not kicked her out of the house yet.

»I’m sure your brother would understand if you left. I don’t want you to have to go through this. Alone.«

»I have to stay. I want to. It’s my little brother’s wedding and I don’t wanna miss that.« It was not her brother’s fault and he wanted her there, she knew that.

Lana smiled apologetically and Jen could tell that she felt everything Jen felt. »You haven’t shown me your outfit yet«, Lana said after Jen had calmed down.

»It’s nothing special.« It really was not. Just a plain, white dress Daniel’s fiancée had picked out for her.

»I wanna see it, pleaaaase«, Lana begged and Jen had to admit to herself once more how weak she was as she gave in.

»Oh you don’t wanna see the dress, you just wanna see me get changed in front of you.«

»Maybe«, Lana said smirking mischievously.

»Well okay then.« Jen got undressed and dressed extra slowly, allowing her girlfriend to glance at her body for a little bit. She missed seeing her naked, too. And she missed holding her. She missed everything about her. »I thought I could curl my hair and then style it like this«, Jen said after she closed the zipper of her dress. She put her hair all on one side and let it fall over her shoulder. »And then, I don’t know, maybe some light makeup. What do you think?«

Lana nodded silently. »You look beautiful.« She spoke calmly and high and Jen knew that this was a good sign.

»You think?«

»Like a princess. My princess.« Lana looked at her with dreamy eyes and Jen could not help but feel extremely flattered. A comforting warmth spread from her chest all over her body.

»Stop being adorable, for once«, Jen said without meaning it and came closer to the camera so Lana could only see her face again. Lana was not wearing any makeup and looked extremely soft and pure. As much as Jen appreciated Lana all dressed up, that version was her favorite.

»The prettiest princess I’ve ever seen«, Lana said, bit her lower lip and slowly released it from in between her teeth while she was waiting for a reaction.

Jen chucked. »Why are you still awake, though?« Lana already got way too little sleep when she was working and she was basically working all the time.

»Couldn’t sleep«, Lana said, her head resting against the back of the sofa, smiling contently.

Jen had the same problem from time to time. It was weird, like something, or someone, was missing next to her. »I hope things are going well in Vancouver?«

Lana nodded. »Just a little lonely at times.«

»I’m sorry for making you wait for me.« They both agreed on doing this but Jen knew that Lana could have a life if only she let her go.

»You’re worth it. I’m sorry because you have to go through this alone even though I promised you I would be with you every step of the way when you’d come out.«

»But you are. Well, not physically, but you’re here for me.« She wished Lana would know how much better Jen felt after talking to her. Because when she was looking at her she knew that it had been the right decision.

Before they hung up Lana blew her a virtual kiss and Jen waited until she could only see herself on the screen again, wishing for Lana to reappear. She really felt better after talking to her, but also worse because it reminded her of what she could not have at the moment.


	20. April 2016

A part of Jen wanted to wrap herself up in a blanket and cry for days over what happened in Chicago but the other part of her knew that she had to continue to live her life and be herself. There was only one person Jen wanted to spend her birthday with and as this was not an option, she would rather spent it alone to think about what it would be like. Her brother called, though. And he told her that he missed her. She missed him, too. She told him she would be spending the day with her old friends, and she told her friends that she would be spending it with her brother because he came over to visit her. In reality, her plans included chilling on the couch and reading her favourite book after yoga class. Maybe she would order a plain cheese pizza. And maybe Lana would call her or send her a text or something. Or a Tweet. Just hearing from Lana would cheer her up.

When she came home from yoga class, carrying a yoga mat under her arm, she almost tripped over a bouquet of pink and yellow tulips that were laying on the stairs. There was only one person that knew that these were her favourite kind of flowers: Lana. She had not heard from her the whole day. As she took them inside to put them into a vase, she noticed a card between the blossoms. It said nothing but a time and place, no name and no further information. It had to be from Lana though; it was her handwriting. Maybe she was sending her to a spa or something in an attempt to make Jen’s birthday at least somewhat pleasant, as she could not be here with her. Jen stopped herself from googling the address because it would be much more fun to just find out by going there. She had enough time to take a shower and to get dressed, but the anticipation was killing her. Lana knew that Jen was not a fan of surprises so she must have been pretty sure that Jen was going to like it.

The GPS led her to a cozy little mansion in a rather quiet area, at least an hour away from downtown. There were no neighbours so no one would have heard her if that was a trap and someone was about to murder her. The sun was already about to set but the floor lamps were guiding the way towards the front door. Jen tried not to get her hopes up; there was no chance that Lana was waiting for her in there. She was in Vancouver and they sure as hell would not let her fly over on Jen’s birthday. The door was open though and there was music playing, so she stepped inside to see what was going on.

»Hello?«, she asked a little louder than normal but for some reason she was afraid to shout. She walked into the living room, where a fire was flickering in the fireplace. It was beautiful but she still had no clue what she was supposed to do here. so she decided to follow the music that came from upstairs. It led her to an elegant and fashionable bedroom, with two huge windows and a balcony attached to them. In the middle of the room there was a comfy bed with big cushions and two layers of blankets. Jen figured that the music came from the stereo at the other side of the room. Suddenly two hands gently grabbed her shoulders from behind.

»Close your eyes«, a sultry voice whispered, slowly guiding Jen towards the bed. 

No need to be scared, that voice belonged to Lana. She was here. She was really here. This was not a dream, it was her very real reality. A tingly feeling started to flow through her body, her heart was pounding like crazy and even if she wanted to turn around and hug the woman she had not seen in far too long, she decided it would be better to play along.

Jen did as she told as Lana turned her around and sat her on the edge of the bed. She only smelled the brunette’s familiar scent and god, she wanted to see and feel her already.

Two warm and soft hands were placed on Jen’s thighs and she felt Lana’s breath on her lips, indicating that she must have been right in front of her.

»Open your eyes«, Lana almost whispered and Jen did not need to be told twice.

First thing she noticed were Lana’s luscious lips, marked by that insanely attractive scar, enhanced by red lipstick. Jen dared to look into dark brown eyes that were staring right back at her. She was so close, but right when Jen leaned forwards a little to close the gap between them and to place her lips on Lana’s, the woman placed her index finger on Jen’s mouth and pushed her back into her position.

»Happy Birthday, Babe. Now enjoy your present«, Lana said, removed her hands from Jen’s thighs, and took a step back. While doing so, she bit her lower lip and slowly released it again. Lana grinned mischievously when she saw Jen’s eyes wandering up and down her body.

For a second the blonde woman forgot to breathe. She swallowed hard when she looked at her girlfriend, standing there only in a black silk bra and freaking _garter belts_. She kept holding her breath when Lana started moving her hips in a slow and steady rhythm. Jen’s mouth had never been this dry and there was no chance to get the moisture back to where it belonged. This was without a shadow of a doubt the hottest thing she had ever witnessed in her entire life. Suddenly the air turned thick and heavy.

Lana came closer again, not stopping to move her hips, and bent down so their noses almost touched. She stared at Jen’s lips and parted her own; Jen was praying for Lana to finally kiss her, but she would not do that just yet. Instead, Lana turned around so Jen could take a look, but Jen could not take the teasing anymore, grabbed her by the hips, and pulled Lana down on her lap.

»Someone’s impatient«, Lana said and even though Jen could not see her face she knew that she enjoyed her success. 

»You’re gorgeous, do you know that?«, Jen said when she found the ability to speak again. She held the woman in place with one hand, not risking her standing up again, and put Lana’s hair aside with the other one so she could gently kiss her neck. Jen loved that spot because it always smelled the same, no matter what perfume Lana had chosen that day. Jen’s hands wandered from Lana’s hips to in between her thighs.

Lana giggled. »It’s your birthday; let me go first today.«

»But I _love_ touching you. I need you. I need to feel you.« She loved it the other way around too though, but nothing turned her on more than pleasuring her girlfriend first. Whenever she saw her naked she could not help but worship her body and claim it with her touch.

Lana got up, but not really, just enough so she could turn around and finally face Jen, so she could capture her lips in a sensual kiss that grew more and more passionate. When they separated to catch a breath, Jen reconsidered: Lana with slightly smudged lipstick was even hotter. She glanced at Lana’s cleavage that was basically right in front of her eyes, while Lana started rocking her hips against Jen’s.

»Jesus, you’re so damn hot«, Jen whispered and managed to look Lana in the eyes for a moment, before looking down again and placing kisses along her decollete. 

A moan escaped Lana’s mouth when Jen removed her bra to touch what was underneath it without removing her lips from where they were. She knew exactly what body part to kiss and where to touch to achieve what she wanted to achieve. As soon as Lana rocked her hips harder because she was desperate for friction, Jen’s fingers skilfully pushed aside the fabric of Lana’s not so dry panties and slipped inside her, giving her girlfriend what she needed with two fingers and the palm of her hand. The good thing about not being down there face forward was that she could actually watch Lana and god, she loved watching her. The way she closed her eyes, slightly parted her lips, knitted her brows and threw her head back got Jen every time.

It was fairly certain that Jen would not last long once Lana had started working her magic. That was by far the best birthday present she had ever gotten.

 

The morning after Jen went for a short morning run while Lana was still sleeping, because watching her sleep always made her way too emotional for some reason. She smiled a little when she crossed the bedroom, the evidence of last night that were Jen’s clothes laying on each side of the bed. 

When she came back Lana was awake, standing behind the kitchen counter lighting a candle on top of what seemed to be a birthday cake. Jen wondered how she could be so hot then again so adorable and soft a few moments later. Lana smiled widely when she saw Jen, beckoning her over.

»Come over here, birthday girl, look at your cake«, she said and sounded super excited and Jen’s heart grew a few sizes.

»It’s not my birthday anymore«, she replied grinning from ear to ear. She had never gotten a birthday cake from someone other than her parents. And that was at least fifteen years ago as Jen had been avoiding going home on her birthdays ever since she had moved out.

»It’s your birthday weekend«, Lana said and looked pretty pleased with herself.

Well, someone needed to tell her that it was not the weekend. »It’s Wednesday.«

Lana seemed to be thinking of another excuse but could not come up with one. »Let me appreciate you; I didn’t get the chance to come over earlier yesterday because of course they kept me busy with doing press all day.«

The least she wanted was for Lana to feel bad about this situation because in all honesty, Jen was convinced she would not come over at all because they would not let her. »Okay.« Even though she had the chance to hold her all night, it was not enough. So Jen came closer and wrapped her arms around her girlfriend’s body again, pressing against her back, holding her tight, and burying her head in her neck while Lana was looking for a knife to cut the cake. »I can’t believe you’re really here«, she breathed.

Lana stroked Jen’s hand that were pressed against her tummy. »I was actually a little worried that you already had plans.«

That was probably what she should have done. Making plans. Meeting up with her friends. But since the fourth of July incident Jen had felt uncomfortable hanging with her LA friends and flying over to Vancouver was not an option because no one would have believed her if she had said she only wanted to visit her friends there and not the woman she was in love with. »Are you kidding, you’re the only one I wanted to spend my birthday with.«

A smirked tugged at the corner of Lana’s mouth and she rose an eyebrow. »I suppose you liked your present?«

As if Jen had not shown her how much she liked it. She would never get enough of her. »I _loved_ it.«

Lana let her head rest against Jen’s temple. »There’s a real one, though. It’s in the closet upstairs. I thought you would need something to wear for later.«

So there was a later. She had already panicked that this was their last moment together. »What’s later?«

»I invited some of your friends over, I hope that’s okay?«

The thought of Lana planning a party for her touch her emotionally far more than it should have.Probably because this was also something she was not used to. »You’re throwing me a birthday party?«

»It’s only a few people, I promise. People I know you want to see.«

»Who’s coming?«

»Ginny and Josh, Colin and Helen, your girls from Van who can’t wait to see you, aaand a specialsurprise guest.«

Jen turned her lover around, keeping her hands on Lana’s hips. Lana abandoned the cake and placed her hands on her girlfriend’s upper arms. Jen looked in these beautiful brown eyes for a moment, debating whether or not to break the silence or to just enjoy holding her like this for a little longer. »How did I get so lucky?«

Lana shook her head a little. »I’m the lucky one here.«

Jen had so much to say, there was so much she wanted Lana to know, but not now. And not today. She reached behind her and dug her index finger into the frosting just to tap Lana’s nose. »Who would’ve thought you could become even sweeter.« 

The brunette rolled her eyes, chuckled and surprised Jen with an eskimo kiss, so she was not the only one with a white nose anymore. The blonde licked her finger clean. »Delicious.«

»But before you get your cake you have to blow out the candle. And don’t forget to make a wish«, Lana said as she cleared the way for Jen to bend over. She held her hair back so it would not get burned and did as her girlfriend said even it was not that easy to think of a wish, but she found one.

»What did you wish for?«

»You’re not supposed to tell, right?«

 

The present Jen found in the closet after she had taken a shower was a dress with her beloved floral print. Mostly pastel coloured, but with a black high neck collar and it looked super pretty. Jen could tell that it was an Oscar de la Renta - more like an Oscar del Rent - just by looking at it which was awesome because those dresses were perfect for her body type. Also, she felt kind of spoiled and kind of bad because she knew how expensive this dress must have been. But Lana assured her not to worry about it, that it was not much of a big deal, and that she loved seeing Jen in that dress because she looked beautiful.

Claire, Ashley, and Taylor were the first ones to arrive and Jen was absolutely thrilled to see their crazy faces again. It’s been far too long that she saw them in person. They still looked the same though and Jen quickly figured that nothing had changed between them. Claire complimented her outfit like the gentlelady she was, and also jokingly commented on how sad it was that she had not met Lana before Jen had met her. Jen was a little nervous when Claire and Lana talked for the first time in person because they both had a strong attitude and were kind of tough but she was worrying over nothing as they both immediately hit it off.

»When your girl called me and asked if we wanted to come to your party I was like hell yes of course we’re in!« For Claire it was easy to take a break from work; she was her own boss. But not for the others girls and Jen appreciated that they managed to go with her on this trip. 

»It’s true, she said that this time she would come over to tell my boss i needed that vacay if i didn't do it myself«, Taylor added. She had always been the more quiet one of the group. »I’ve never been to LA.«

»None of us have, but it’s awesome.« Ashley said. She was still rocking these caps. Funny how Jen once thought she was Claire’s girlfriend, because hell no, they would fight and someone would be dead after a week. 

»How long are you staying?«, Jen asked while she was handing everyone a beer and guiding them towards the terrace. It was cozy but pretty, and the house even had a pool. 

»For a week, you gotta show us the city so Taylor can take at least a thousand pictures of the Hollywood sign«, Claire said rolling her eyes.

»That’s literally all she could talk about on the plane«, Ashley confirmed and Taylor was everything but amused.

»I’m sorry that I want to see the Hollywood sign when I’m in _Hollywood_.«

It was always Taylor who was made fun of but she seemed to take it well and she knew that no one really meant to be mean. »I will, I promise«, Jen assured them and already made plans for a sightseeing tour in her mind. 

»You should totally check out Griffith Observatory while you’re here, it’s breathtaking«, Lana suggested and Jen’s heart spasmed. That meant she would not come with them, because she would not be here the whole week.

»Yeees, I’ve read about that! Because unlike others I read about cities I’m about to travel to.« It was pretty obvious whom Claire was talking about. »What else should we do?«, Claire asked and Lana told her a few of her favorite spots of the city.

»Thank you so much for coming«, Jen turned to Taylor and Ashley because she was really more than happy that they were here. 

»Of course«,Taylor said and gave Jen the present the three of them had picked out together. »Happy Birthday.«

 

When pregnant Ginny, Josh, and their son arrived, Ashley turned unusually quiet and it did not take long until Jen figured that she knew Ginny not only from Once Upon a Time but also from previous shows and that she was a huge fan of her’s. Ginny somehow managed to break the ice so Ashley ended up asking her about acting while her son was constantly trying to steal her cap. Ashley was good with kids though, so she kept him busy. 

Claire and Colin helped Lana with the barbecue and bonded over food, while Jen was chatting with Helen about Evan who had grown a lot since the last time Jen saw him. Jen was also glad to hear that everything went well between them and that they still were the family they had been before this drama had started.

At some point Lana went inside only to come back a few seconds later, beckoning Jen inside. Lana took her hand and guided her towards the door. There was something sneaky and shady about that situation so Jen got a little bit suspicious, but she fully trusted the brunette.

»Your surprise guest is here«, Lana said and took a few steps back to give them some space and privacy.

Jen did not feel like speaking and just tried to keep her tears at bay while she was hugging her brother, the only family member that had called her. »You’re such a good liar«, she said and referred to the phone call they had yesterday. That idiot had not said a word about how he was about to hop on a plane for her.

»Happy belated birthday, sis«, he said, knowing that she had a hard time dealing with this situation.

Cutting off family was never easy and never in a million years had Jen considered doing that. And it was not her who had made this decision, it was her family. They could not even look at her on Daniel’s wedding day, let alone speak to her. So the next day Jen had packed her things and left without saying goodbye. »Thank you«, she said, releasing herself from his embrace. »You’re crazy for flying over just for my birthday. How are things at home?«, she asked, not even sure if she wanted to hear the answer.

Daniel shrugged. »Well… let’s just say they’re still in denial. Did they call you?«

No, not even her own mother had called her. Jen shook her head. She either had to change the topic or she would be starting to bawl any minute. »How’s married life?« The fact that he came without his wife said enough about her point of view.

»It’s going well, no one has died yet«, Daniel said looking past Jen where Lana was watching them with a rather tortured expression, as if she was physically feeling what Jen felt. 

The blonde reached out for Lana’s hand and pulled her closer. »That’s my girlfriend, Lana, but you guys probably already know each other«, Jen said and suddenly it was fairly easy to smile again.In fact, she was glowing. Looking at her always eased the pain. It was not the first time that day that Jen noticed how stunning she was. The short dress, her hair, her smile… to Jen she was perfect in every way, and she was her’s.

»We had a few phone calls but nice to finally meet you in person«, said Daniel and shook her hand. »I’m really happy for you two, you know. I’ve never seen my sister like this. You’re good for her.«

»Thank you, that means a lot.« It was probably the first and last family member of Jen’s Lana would ever meet.

And that was horrible and sad because Jen was so proud of her and wanted her parents to meet her and to see how awesome she was but not if it was like this. She would not force them to accept her. Jen regretted nothing, though. This was worth it. She gave Lana a casual peck at the temple before facing her brother again. »I hope you’re hungry.«

 

For this evening it was like these people, her friends, were her family. A different kind of family, but still, they made her feel safe and happy and wanted. Colin and Lana burned half the steaks even though they claimed to have everything under control, but gladly Claire saved the dinner by improvising with side dishes. After this evening Ashley seriously considered becoming an actress because she said Ginny had inspired her big time. Josh helped Daniel out with some parenting tips because he had confessed that they were trying, which made Jen quite excited to become an auntie again.

After everyone had left, Lana suggested to check out the pool, so she removed all of her clothes and jumped right in. Jen followed her gladly, even though she was a little bit uncomfortable with skinny dipping. But when Lana put her arms around her and she felt the familiar and soothing warmth of her body, she reconsidered. It started to get a little bit chilly outside as it was already quite late, but at least the outside lights helped them so see what they were doing. After a while Jen went upstairs to blow-dry her hair because with the extensions she had to wear there was no chance for her hair to dry naturally, and it was also kind of heavy.

When she came downstairs again and saw Lana laying on the deck chair with a book in her hand, it hit her that she was forced to face the reality of Lana leaving again. There was no point in pretending that they could go on like this forever. So Jen went up to her and sat down on the edge, Lana putting down her book as the blonde approached.

She smiled again and god why was she always making it so difficult for Jen to talk about stuff she really did not want to talk about but had to. Jen took her hand, placing the back of it on her lips, kissing it softly. »Thanks for making this day so special.«

Lana let her. »Don’t thank me, I loved getting to know your friends. They’re one of a kind.«

She had to ask but she could not. Instead, Jen allowed herself to live in this happy bubble for a little while longer. »How did you find this house, though? Is it one of these airbnbs or something?«

Lana sat up and intertwined her hands with Jen’s. »It’s… it’s actually for sale. They told me we could stay here for a few days and if we liked it we could have it. Only if we want to, of course. I just thought about it because we’ll need a place to stay when this whole long-distance thing is over.«

To be honest, Jen had caught herself fantasizing about living here with Lana earlier this day, when everyone was busy chatting or eating and Jen had some time to observe. She thought about what it would be like to go for a morning swim while Lana was still sleeping, or to come home to snuggle up to her in front of the fire place after a long day of work. It was actually everything she wanted.

»That was a stupid idea, I’m sorry. There’s still one year left and-«

Jen did not notice that she was just staring at the brunette totally zoned out. She was so ready to share everything with that woman. »No, no, i love it. The house, I love it. There’s nothing I want more than to live here with you.«

»Really?«

»Yes, it’s perfect. My house is way too big and you said that you didn’t like the area you live in so let’s do it!« For a moment Jen thought Lana would start to tear up again which would not be ideal as Jen would cry too then.

»Okay. It has a guest room for when we have people over, and there’s a great hiking trail nearby and I’m sure Lola and Ava will love it and… there’s another room.«

Jen nodded and kept smiling uncontrollably. She got what Lana was implying but she would not say it out loud in case she was wrong. »I actually like that we don’t really have neighbours. Gives us privacy.«

»So this is our new home then?«

»Yeah. _Our_ home.«

Lana leaned in for a soft kiss, their fingers still interlaced. She was the one who broke the kiss after a few seconds. Apparently she wanted to say something but she took her time. »I love you.«

Jen decided not to ask. It did not matter anyways. If they had a few hours together or several years - it would have never been enough. One year. One more year and this would be their home. 

Lana had left a few hours after that and Jen would have lied if she had said that it would have gotten easier as it was not the first time they had to say goodbye, or in their case, see you later.

 


	21. May 2016

It had helped that Claire, Ashley, and Taylor had stayed for a while and had kept Jen busy with showing them the city. It had also helped that Jen was directing a movie which she absolutely loved to do. When she got her filming schedule for season 6 and saw that her and Lana barely had any scenes together in the first half of the season, which also meant they would not be on set at the same time, and even less in the second half, Jen was already done. At least the house selling process had begun. Jen wanted to move as soon as possible to have at least a little bit of Lana in her life even though she would not be at the new house with her yet, obviously. 

That evening she opened herself a bottle of wine before putting the photos for her birthday she had had developedinto her photo album, which made her all nostalgic and emotional again. Especially the one where Lana looked at her and Jen had not even noticed. Before she was able to finish the door rang. Jen took at look at the security cameras that showed a blonde woman standing on the stairs, nervously fiddling with the zipper of her bag. For a moment Jen considered to pretend she was not home because she had absolutely no time for this again. But she was not that rude, so she opened.

»What do you want?«, she asked, staring right at who used to be her best friend.

Rose was insecure about coming here, Jen could tell. »Hey, uhm, I was in town and thought I could visit you.«

»You know that I was being sarcastic when I posted that photo of us, right?« The other day the office bothered her about her lack of social media interaction so she posted a photo of her and Rose with a bittersweet caption. She felt awful afterwards, but Jen was still mad because of what she had done.

»Yeah, I figured.« Rose had a hard time looking at her.

»So what do you want?« There better be a good reason for why she was here.

»Can I come in?« 

Jen shrugged and unwillingly opened the door a little wider to let her in. The fact that she came over, that she was still trying, made her almost feel bad for her. Almost.

»Are you moving?«, Rose said when she saw the moving boxes all over the floor.

»That’s none of your business.« It was not easy to reject her like that and to be honest it was tempting to talk to her about everything that had happened over the past months, but Jen knew better. She did not deserve to know. Also, these information would not be safe with her anyways. Who knew whom she would tell about it.

»Mozza-«

Mozza did not exist anymore. It made her furious that Rose thought they could just forget about that. »No, do you really think I would tell you anything after what you’ve done?«

»Oh, come on, it’s been four months!«

Even if it had been years - Jen was not over it. She was still not be able to be with her girlfriend because of her. They had to live _miles_ apart instead of sharing a bedroom. »Doesn’t change anything, I’m sorry.«

Rose paused for a moment knowing it would make Jen feel guilty. »I miss my best friend.«

Jen wanted her to understand how disappointed she was, even though she kind of missed her too, but not enough to forget what had happened. »Best friends don’t do what you did. You literally destroyed my life.«

»Never thought you would become one of those people«, Rose sighed and rolled her eyes. 

Jen could feel her blood starting to boil. »What do you mean by that?«

»Those people who don’t give a fuck about their friends as soon as they have a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever.« She crossed her arms, looking at her former friend like she did something wrong.

This could not be happening, she was actually trying to put the blame on her. And how did she even know that Lana and her were still a thing? They had officially broken up. »I care about my friends, deeply, but you’re not one of them anymore.« She always, always found time to check in on her friends, even if they were not in the same time zone.

»You’ve changed«, the younger woman stated.

Wow. That was a new low, even for her. »I eventually learned to speak up for myself, yes.«

»You know, when Miss Extra walks out on you because she remembers that she likes men don’t you dare call me!«

Okay that was enough. Jen could handle if she insulted her, but not her girlfriend. »Stop talking about her like that, you don’t know her.« Also Lana breaking up with her was one of Jen’s biggest fears and she just chose to pretend that Rose had not said that because otherwise this would be on her mind for days.

»Oh and you do? Do you know what she’s doing when she’s not with you?«

Oh hell no, she could not be serious right now. Rose knew exactly how to trigger Jen. How desperate must she be to try to stir mistrust between her and Lana? »I don’t need to know because I _trust_ her.«

»Jesus Jen, a long-distance relationship is never enough for someone like her.« 

She talked about her like they had known each other for ages. Rose had barely even spoke to her. Those were all prejudices. »How do you know?? You. don’t. fucking. know. her.« And god she hated that Rose actually managed to make her feel insecure, even if it was just a little bit and just for a moment. Jen would never fully move past that stage of thinking she was not good enough for Lana and Rose knew that and used it to her advantage. 

»I’ve worked with her as well! I just want you to be careful instead of blind.« 

It hurt that her former best friend thought she was dumb. She was over her, so over her. »I’m not stupid. I can take care of myself. I trust Lana, period. If you have nothing else to say then please, I have things to do.« Jen opened the door and signalized her to leave. This was over, there was no chance of them being friends ever again. All she saw when she looked at Rose was anger and disappointment.

 

******

 

Leaving her old house behind had been easier than Jen had expected it to be. It had been relieving, actually. People had been asking her why she was rushing things; why she was moving even though she had a tough schedule and was practically flying back and forth, hoping to bump into Lana every time she had to attend fittings and rehearsals. Jen did not bother to explain; they would not understand anyways. 

The furniture had come with the house, but Lana and Jen wanted to get a new sofa and maybe repaint the walls so the living room was quite empty at the moment. Still, Jen felt more at home than she had in her old house. And also even more than at her apartment in Van. It was like she belonged here.

»So, what do you think?«, Jen asked and held her iPad as far away from her body as possible so Lana could see the colour swatches on the wall of their living room. They had agreed on white, grey, and beige.

»I think I like grey, but then it would look weird because of the fireplace, right?« Lana was not at home, Jen could tell by the background. She remembered that Lana told her she was in New York because she had to make an appearance on that talkshow this morning. 

»Yeah, probably. Also, the sofa we want is brownish.« They had picked it out together and had done some online shopping when they both could not sleep. For her last house Jen had hired some people to figure out the interior decoration, but this time she wanted to do it only with the person she would be living here.

»Then maybe we should go with beige?«, Lana suggested and moved closer to the device so she could have a better look at the colors.

»Alright, beige it is.« It was early afternoon in LA so Jen went outside to catch some sun and she took Lana with her.

»I never thought moving could be that easy.« She seemed to be pleasantly surprised. They both had a similar taste in furniture and decoration.

»Right?« Her friends who had moved in with their spouses had always complained about how stressful it had been.

»How was your first night in our home?«, Lana said getting more comfy on the couch she was sitting on.

They had agreed on keeping the bed as it was new but still, it was too big for one person. Too empty. »Lonely.«

»Miss me?«, Lana asked and a smirk on her face told Jen that she already knew the answer.

»Like crazy.«

»I miss you too-« Lana got interrupted by a coughing fit and it intensified so she had to put the iPad aside for a moment. 

For a second Jen thought she was choking or something, but thankfully her face appeared on screen again a few moments later. »Are you okay? Are you sick?« She tried to stay calm but that sounded quite serious. The thought of Lana working too much and not getting enough rest had crossed Jen’s mind several times. She did a lot of appearances lately and it seemed like they were overworking her so she would not have the time to visit Jen. For Jen it was different, the office randomly called her in for no reason at all just to make sure she was still in town. She was allowed to do other projects, though. It was crazy.

»No, i just have to go see my doctor so he can change my asthma medication. Happened a few times in the past«, she said casually.

Jen stared at the screen, thinking about a response. She was debating whether or not to share her concerns with Lana.

The brunette chuckled. »Don’t look at me like that, it’s normal.«

Not today. Maybe Jen was overreacting. Lana seemed fine. »Okay.«

»I’ve been out with Fred and the boys this week.«

Those were definitely one of the things Jen did not want to hear, but also kind of did because it would have been even worse if Lana had not told her about it. »Oh, how was it?« She tried to sound as neutral as possible.

»We had fun, actually. I think Fred and I could really become friends. We talked about the divorce and he said that he’s sorry that we have to wait and he would sign immediately if I wanted him to«, Lana said and she seemed like she had been thinking about that a lot.

»Well, that’s new. I thought you said he’s being weird when he’s with you at events?« Lana had always told her that he was being distant and cold and avoided talking to her for obvious reasons.

»He was but I mean, who wouldn’t? This situation is everything but easy. We should actually be glad that he’s doing all this.«

And Jen was glad that he was helping out but he did not do it just because. »It’s not like he wouldn’t get anything in return.« Also, Jen was fairly certain that she did not want to be just friends with Lana. Who could go back to being just friends with that woman after being _married_ to her.

»You’re being unfair«, Lana defended him.

»You know that he wouldn’t do that if it wasn’t for the money.« That was something Jen was sure of. She did not know him well but well enough. And they payed him a lot for accompanying Lana.

»I’m not sure, I think he really feels sorry for us? He offered to help.« 

»You think that’s a good idea?« In fact, Jen was sure it had not even been a good idea to tell him about their relationship and about everything that had been going on in the first place, but they kind of had no choice.

»I don’t know, for now I’m just glad he’s still pretending to be with me. Saves us from a lot of trouble.«

»Hm.« She hated that Lana had a point there. She also strongly disliked that they kind of had to depend on Fred. At least he was being nice to her, even if it was a little bit too nice for Jen’s liking. »Rose was here.«

»Really? What did she want?«, Lana asked and sat up again.

»I’m not sure, Guess she just wanted to check if I’m still mad at her. And she told me to be careful.«

»Careful? Why?«

Jen immediately knew that she should not have said that. »Oh you know what she thinks about you.«

»Actually I don’t«, she said and rose an eyebrow.

»She just said that you might not be the type for, uhm, a long-distance thing and you know, because you were or… are married to a man.« Jen tried to pick her words carefully but kind of failed at that. She could tell by Lana’s expression that this would not end well. 

»And you believe that?«, she asked, definitely offended.

»I- well… no-« She hated herself for hesitating but there was indeed a moment where she had her doubts and she could not hide that.

»Wow.«

»Of course I do not believe that-«

»But you’ve been thinking about it?«

»Maybe for a second, but-«

»I can’t believe this.«

It was not totally far fetched though, Lana could not just ignore that. Fred did a good job pretending to still be Lana’s husband. Like, a really good job. On pictures it looked like they were still very much in love with each other. »Well, in my defense, these photos could-«

»You know what, I think I’m gonna go now«, Lana interrupted, definitely pissed.

»No, please, you can’t just hang up when we’re in the middle of an argument!« Jen had a full day of work ahead of her tomorrow and she could not spend that day knowing that her and Lana were fighting. That was the worst.

»Watch me«. she said and suddenly the screen turned black.

»Seriously?« Seriously? She seriously hung up? Oh Jesus Christ. This was the bathroom situation all over again. Even though Jen hated the fact that she would be spending every single minute thinking about what went wrong, she was not going to be the one to call her back. Nope. This was not going to happen.

It happened an hour later after Jen had tried to watch TV and read a book and learn her lines but she failed at everything. Lana was a really good actress and Fred still cared about her a lot so of course they managed to portray the happily married couple on these pictures. So she grabbed her iPad and facetimed Lana. She was surprised when she picked up immediately.

»What do you want me to say? I’m not gonna apologize for marrying a man. I loved a man and now I love a woman, it is how it is. If you don’t trust me then this relationship is not gonna work out.«

So she was thinking about it too. She did care. But Jen was still offended that she was trying to put the blame on her now. Actually, she was just offended in general. By everything. »Oh so now it’s my fault?«

»Well, it’s not mine so…«

»It’s not mine either.« She did not even want to react this way, what was wrong with her? She wanted everything but fight but the words just came out of her mouth.

»Fine.«

»Fine.«

»I’m hanging up, need to pack«, Lana said but waited for an answer this time.

»Kay.« No. Not okay. The actual problem was something else and yes it had been Jen’s fault. »I’m just frustrated because he gets to spend time with you and I don’t.«

Lana’s face softened. »You’re jealous.«

»No. Maybe a bit. But not only because it’s Fred, like, I’m jealous of everyone who gets to spend time with you.« Jen dared to breathe again and fiddled with her shirt. It was not easy for her to admit that because she had never been this attached to someone. She did not want to come off as clingy.

»In a few months we’re gonna spend so much time together that you’ll beg for me to leave,« she chuckled and Jen recognised that look on her face. Lana was not mad at her anymore.

It was funny in a weird way how Lana had also thought about Jen not wanting to be with her anymore in the future. Because it was also Jen’s biggest fear that she would do something to make Lana leave, even though she had assured her that neither Jen’s migraine days nor Jen proposing to her would make her break up with her. »I highly doubt that. I would never want you to leave.« And Jen was ashamed of how true that was. She had thought about that. After Rose had left she had thought about what she would have done if Rose had been right. If Lana had been cheating on her. She had promised herself not to talk about it to anyone, ever, but she probably would have considered staying with her nevertheless because it was painful to imagine a life without her. Hypothetically of course. Lana would never do that to her.

»We shouldn’t fight over stupid things«, Lana stated and shook her head.

»Agreed. But I need you to know that I do trust you, with my _life_.« She needed her to know. It was important.

»Okay.«

»You believe me?«

»I do. So how did it go with Rose?«

»I asked her to leave of course. I don’t wanna be friends with someone who’s talking shit about my girlfriend.« Saying it out loud would never not send butterflies straight to Jen’s tummy. Her _girlfriend_.

Lana tilted her head and looked like she was sorry for Jen. Of course she was. Jen could tell that she felt bad, but there was no need for that. »I’m really sorry, I know how much this friendship meant to you.«

»Yeah well now she’s kinda showing her true colors. And it’s not your fault, really. Your hair looks really cute like that by the way.« She had half her hair in a pony tail, the other half falling over her shoulder.

Even though the lighting was bad Jen could see that Lana was blushing and smiling and that of course made her smile, too. »Thank you«, she said in that high-pitch voice like she always did when Jen complimented her. »I wish I could fall asleep next to you today.«

»You can, I won’t hang up until you’ve fallen asleep.« It was quite late in New York and Lana was tired. Jen was happy to hear that Lana even had time for sleep with her busy schedule. 

She did as she promised. They talked for a while until Lana closed her eyes and Jen continued to tell her stories about the past days and watched her slowly falling asleep. She refused to hang up immediately though, as Lana looked so peaceful and Jen just wanted to gaze at her for a little longer. Falling asleep in the presence of someone was something Jen had always found very intimate. She was kind of an insomniac and could only fall asleep when she was fully comfortable and Lana once told her that it was the same for her. So watching her fall asleep while Jen was watching was indeed proof of how their relationship had evolved. They had found peace in one another.


	22. July 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey guys, I have exams and deadlines coming up so this will be the last chapter for July, I’m sorry. Don’t worry, this story will be finished, I promise! The last 8 chapters are already planned out but I need time to write them. Meanwhile, enjoy this chapter xx

No, Jen did not have to be on set that day but she could not have cared less. Nothing and no one would have had been able to stop her from going there. She was already in Vancouver because filming had started but it was not her turn yet. Tomorrow was too late for her, though. No way in hell would she wait another day. She had turned her phone off so the office could not call her in spontaneously.

It was Lana’s birthday and she had told Jen that they had given her the day off but she would be on set nevertheless to practice sword fighting for that one scene she had to film. She was a perfectionist, especially when it came to acting. So Jen found herself sneaking around the studio with a single rose in her hand, hoping not to bump into someone important, until she found Lana in one of the rehearsal rooms practicing with their trainer Dave. Jen was smiling uncontrollably and she had trouble stopping herself from barging in. She stayed in the doorway, well hidden from their view, praying for their trainer to leave so she could finally, after 93 days, hug her girlfriend again. Her heart was physically aching in excitement when she was looking at her. When Lana was grabbing a towel and high-fived with the trainer, Jen’s knees grew even weaker. She was moments away from being reunited with her. As soon as the guy left Jen came out of hiding and Lana spotted her as she turned around.

There it was, the look. Crease between the eyebrows, head tilted to the side, the smile - everything Jen had missed so much. Lana rushed up to her and fell into her arms, Jen holding her as tightly as she could, trying hard not to shed a tear. God, it felt so good being this close to her again. Like she finally gave her body what it had been craving so badly. It was like they were melting together. Jen placed her hands on Lana’s hips to pull her away a little so she could look her in the eyes and finally wish her happy birthday in person, but Lana’s arms tightened around Jen’s neck. She could feel her lips on her skin and something was wet. She was crying.

»Hey, Sunshine«, she whispered, putting her arms around her again and slowly stroking Lana’s back. Jen’s voice was trembling because yes, she still had problems to keep her tears at bay when Lana was crying. She did not get an answer, except for a silent whimper. »Hey, it’s okay.«

»How long?«, Lana breathed into her neck.

That was always the big question when they met: how much time did they have together? Jen carefully tried to pull her away again, only a few inches so she could look at her, and she succeeded. She cupped Lana’s face with her free hand, wiping away the tears with her thumb. »Five full days«, she said proudly and finally managed to put a smile on Lana’s face. Actually more than five days because San Diego Comic Con was next week. »Happy Birthday, Baby.« It was not awkward for Jen anymore to call her by a nickname. Lana’s birthday would forever be Jen’s favorite day.

Lana fell back into her arms, way more enthusiastically than before, pressing her lips on Jen’s, right before breaking into a smile. They stayed like that, their noses almost touching. »Thank you«, Lana said sincerely. 

Jen was gazing into Lana’s chocolate brown eyes. »I’m taking you to Paris and after that we’re going to Disneyland. What do you say?« She almost felt bad for suggesting that because of the terrorist attack that had happened in France, but she remembered Lana telling her that she refused to let terrorists win. This time in Paris they would not casually hang out as just friends. 

»Like, right now?«, she asked surprised.

»Well, almost. Our flight goes tomorrow night after filming.« Jen had planned it out so they would not get into trouble because of her.

»You’re serious.«

»Of course I am.«

The brunette shook her head, her lips found Jen’s again for a long and deep kiss. Lana refused to let go, but had to eventually. Jen had almost forgotten the rose she had brought with her but somehow she remembered and gave it to her shyly. 

Lana sniffed it, her smile grew wider and wider. »I don’t know what to say, you leave me speechless.«

»I’ve gotten pretty good at that girlfriend thing, haven’t I?« She knew what Lana liked, because she listened to and memorized every word she was saying, which helped a lot.

»Definitely.«

Jen gently stroke Lana’s chin-long hair. They had cut it because they had decided her character should go with short hair again this season. Jen absolutely loved it. »You look gorgeous.«

»I’m not wearing any makeup and I’m sweaty because I’ve been practicing all day«, Lana said kind of trying to hide her face.

»I don’t care, you’re adorable.«

»So you like the new haircut?«

»It’s perfect.« It was the same haircut Lana had when they first met and Jen had fallen in love with her big time. It brought back memories and Jen could not help but smile because now she had everything she had wanted back then.

»So, are we ready - oh, hello Jennifer. Wasn’t expecting you here today.« Their trainer legit walked in on them but Jen managed to jump back when she heard him talk. Hopefully he had not seen them. Lana was hiding the rose behind her back.

»Uh, yeah, I had a last minute fitting for tomorrow. Sorry, I didn’t wanna interrupt a rehearsal or something.« She said casually putting her hands in the back pockets of her jeans.

»Oh you didn’t, we already finished.« He turned to Lana and jerked a thumb over his shoulder. »Do you still wanna go live?«

»Sure, I already announced it. I’ll be there in a sec«, she said probably hoping he would leave, and he did. She weirdly closed her eyes though and grabbed Jen’s arm, as if she was needing it for support or something.

»You okay?«, Jen asked, carefully helping Lana to sit down on the floor, her back resting on the wall.

»Yeah, I’m just a little bit exhausted«, Lana breathed, smiling weakly when she saw Jen’s frozen face. »I’m not in my twenties anymore.« She chuckled.

»Do you need your spray?«, Jen asked, remembering that Lana always had her asthma spray with her, and trying to read her girlfriend’s face. »Some water? Fresh air?«

»I’m fiiiine«, Lana answered and smiled again. 

»You work too hard, you need to rest.« Jen was stroking the brunette’s arm, not even sure if she wanted to comfort Lana or herself by doing that. Probably both.

»I wanted to try this Facebook live thingy, you know. It’s only gonna be for a few minutes«, Lana said pushing herself up again.

There was no way Jen could have convinced her to cancel this. »Take your time. I’ll watch.« For the next five days Jen had planned on spending as much time with Lana as possible, without making it seem weird of course. Even though it was their last year they still had to be careful.

»Okay«, Lana smirked and their fingers interlocked softly on the way to the door, only to part as soon as they were not alone anymore. 

 

After Lana’s Facebook livestream they did not even make it to Jen’s or Lana’s apartment. Instead, they were spending the night in Lana’s trailer. It was summer so it was okay; in winter it would not have been possible as they were turning off the heating during nighttime. Jen sneaked out of her trailer in the morning and Lana laughed while she was standing in the doorway watching Jen making her way to her own trailer looking like a thief while trying not to get caught. Some crew members had already arrived and it was time for Jen to go to hair and makeup, she even was a little late but she could not have cared less.

Her plan to stay close to Lana failed, though. She had been shooting the whole morning with Colin and when they had lunch break Lana was at hair and makeup so they missed each other again. So after that and before shooting the next scene Jen went looking for her and eventually found her walking around in her Evil Queen costume with a baby in her arms. It looked fascinating; Lana in that heavy costume, huge wig, and dark makeup talking to a real baby and gently rocking it.

»Practicing?«, Jen asked jokingly, taking a closer look at the child.

»She has to get used to me in that costume so she won’t start crying when we’re filming the scene«, Lana explained holding a little rattle up in the air. The baby giggled in response. »You like that, don’t you?«, she said playfully to that little human in her arms.

That was the first time Jen realized that there was an actual possibility that she could have children of her own. She was really good with kids but her career had always been more important to her. Settling down with her previous spouses had scared to death. With Lana everything was so different. Forever suddenly did not sound so bad after all. In fact, in sounded exactly right. Jen wanted to settle down with her, to have a family, maybe another dog, kids. She wanted to go to events with her, hand in hand, showing everyone that she belonged with her. She wanted to grow old with her, to sit with her on their terrace watching over their grandchildren. This woman was her future. She was everything.

»What are you thinking?«, Lana asked. She caught Jen staring again.

»Nothing.« Just about how she wanted Lana to be the mother of her children. And damn she would be a good one. She would probably be the parent the kids would turn to when Jen had said no.

»Why are you smiling like that?«, Lana said while smiling as well. Her eyes were shining and god if her makeup had not been done already Jen would have kissed her right now.

Instead, she shrugged. »Because I’m happy.« Weird how that baby was not crying even though Lana looked quite scary in character.

»I’m happy too.« It took a while for Lana to look away again. »Let’s get you back to your Mommy«, she said, almost dropping the rattle but Jen caught it and gave it back to the kid. As soon as the baby saw Jen it started crying.

»Great, she hates me«, Jen said almost offended because kids usually loved her. She did a pretty good job when she had to babysit her niece.

Lana laughed a little and placed the baby in Jen’s arms. »You have to rock her, it calms her down«, she explained, shaking the rattle.

Jen did as Lana had said and indeed, the crying turned into giggling. »Look at that«, Jen said, but more to the baby than to her girlfriend.

»We would make one hell of a team as parents, wouldn’t we?«, Lana asked softly, probably because she was not sure how Jen would react. They had never really discussed children or anything like that.

»Oh, I’m sure we will. Would. Whatever.« Jen eyed the brunette, still rocking the baby in her arms. Lana gave her girlfriend a soft kiss on the cheek, gently wiping away the trace of lipstick with her thumb, before taking the baby again so she could bring it back to its parents.

 

The car that would be driving them to Steveston to film the last outdoor scenes for today was already waiting in front of the studio and their colleague Bex was already waiting for Lana and Jen to join her. Colin was filming with them too but apparently he was already there. It was not easy to shove Lana’s whole costume into the car but they were running quite late so they had not had time to get changed.

»Can you believe that in a few hours we’ll be on a plane to Paris?«, Lana whispered and even though Bex was sitting in the front seat she could clearly hear them. Thankfully their driver was busy talking to someone on the phone. Jen panicked for a second until she remembered that Bex was Lana’s best friend and Lana had told her about them. Jen wished she could have spent time with Bex as well. She seemed so lovely and funny but they barely had any scenes together.

»I’m so jealous, Paris is amazing. But take care of yourselves, okay?« There was no need for Bex to say it out loud. It was obvious what she was talking about.

»I’m not gonna let terrorists stop me from living my life«, Lana stated and Jen agreed because at this point attacks could have happened everywhere, not only in France.

»You’re right. Hope you guys will have a great time there!«, Bex said turning around so she could look at them. She was smiling softly at Jen, almost as if she was pitying her. »And don’t let the paparazzi catch you. Or the fans when you’re at Disneyland.«

Jen got a fuzzy feeling in her tummy when she imagined Lana telling her friend about Jen’s plans first thing in the morning because she obviously was excited for their trip. »We’ll be incognito, no one will recognize us«, Jen assured her. It felt so good knowing that Lana had a friend like Bex who genuinely cared about her. Of course Jen was well aware of the risks when she decided to take Lana to Disneyland, because chances where high that at least half of the visitors were watching the show or knew who they were. But Lana loved Disneyland so much and so did Jen and it just had been the first thing that came to her mind when she was thinking about what she could do for Lana’s birthday to make it as special as possible considering the circumstances.

»You will protect my Little, I’m not even worried«, Bex said to Jen, half jokingly, half seriously. It had never bothered Jen that her and Lana were that close, it just made her miss a friendship like theirs for herself. 

»I think it’s me who has to protect Jen because children run from me anyways«, Lana said casually. It was kind of sad though because Lana was really good with fans, especially with kids. She was always so chill around them and very empathetic when people told them their sometimes very personal stories.

»I feel you, Sis. Are you gonna be back for Comic Con?«

Of course, they both played villains. Children were usually scared of villains. When Jen was a kid she was scared of the Evil Queen, too. 

»Sure. Imagine them if we both didn’t show up«, Lana joked, touching Jen’s arm.

»They would kill you. Like, for real«, Bex commented.

»Oh my god the rumors, Jen, imagine!« Lana started laughing at the thought. Their social media would probably blew up big time. Fans had a vivacious imagination. 

»I would have to delete my Twitter account.« Not that Jen would miss it, though. It would actually be quite a good reason to finally get rid of it.

»And then we should post a photo of us at Disney«, Lana continued and gestured with her hands.

»Everyone at the office would collectively have a heart attack.« Bex was obviously amused at that thought but who could blame her, that would have literally been a scandal.

»We should do something like that, something funny, when we make it official.« Lana was so excited about that and so was Jen, but it was such a long time until then.

»Yeah.«

When Bex started taking to the driver, who had hung up the phone, Lana turned to her girlfriend because she figured that Jen was not as happy and chill about that than she was.

»Are you having second thoughts?«

»About coming out? Hell no!« She really was ready and she hated that the office was holding her back from telling people. It occurred several times that fans called her homophobic when in reality it was the opposite.

»But?«

»I’m just sad that we can’t do it, like, right now.« This whole hiding thingy was exhausting and all she wanted to do was to hold Lana’s hand in public without people making a big deal out of it. 

»Around this time next year everyone will know«, Lana smirked trying to cheer Jen up and it worked. It was not even _that_ long anymore.

 

No one was able to take filming seriously that day. It seemed like everyone just wanted to finally wrap for the day. Colin was looking forward to date night with his wife and Bex was desperate for some sleep. Jen could not stop giggling about everything because she constantly thought about the packed bags at her apartment that waited to be picked up so her and Lana could finally start their little vacation. This night she could finally watch her girlfriend falling asleep next to her again, even if it was on a plane, and when they would wake up they would be at the happiest place on earth. Even Lana, who did the best job at staying focused, had a hard time staying in character because she was smiling uncontrollably as well, always trying to make eye contact with Jen whenever they had a short break. When Colin messed up this one particular line for the third time all four of them bursted into laughter and no one cared that the crew slowly started to get annoyed with them.

Jen looked at Lana because she loved her face when she was laughing and it always made the butterflies in her tummy go crazy, but not this time. Lana had stopped laughing, instead she contorted her face with pain, one hand pressing against her upper belly. She tried to inhaled deeply, clearly struggling to get air into her lungs. Jen’s stomach clenched and she froze at the spot for a second before rushing towards her, trying to keep her upright by holding her shoulders.

»Where’s your spray??«, she asked, almost screamed at her.

Lana pointed at the bag on the chair with her name on it that was standing next to one of the headlights. Bex grabbed it and passed it on to Lana. She took it and inhaled deeply for two, three times until she managed to breathe again. Her eyes were half closed as she grabbed Jen’s arms for support.

»I don’t feel so-«, she slurred, before collapsing against Jen’s chest. 

She got her of course, slowly lowering her onto the floor. »Someone call medical care!!«, she shouted and the others eventually started moving. Jen placed Lana’s tiny body on the ground, making sure she was still breathing and her heart was still beating. There was not even time for Jen to notice that her own heart was pounding like crazy and she was actually on the verge of having a major panic attack. 

»Is she breathing??« Bex joined her on the ground, lifting Lana’s legs up a little.

»Yes, I- I think so-« Jen checked again to be really sure. »Wake up, Baby, please«, she said stroking Lana’s cheek, desperately waiting for her to open her eyes and regain consciousness again.

»Medical care is on its way«, one of the crew members informed them. It could not take long as there was always medical care on set when they were shooting outside.

It took a load off Jen’s mind when Lana slowly opened her eyes again, grunting quietly. She was slightly disoriented, her eyes wandering from Jen to Bex to Colin, who was bending over her as well.

»Are you okay??«, Jen asked with a thin voice, slowly helping her to sat up, supporting her back.

»Y-yes, I’m- okay. It’s just-« Lana was holding her upper belly again. »…hard to breathe.«

»It’s the damn corset, it’s too tight«, Jen said, moving around to open Lana’s dress a little bit so she had enough room to loosen the cords. As soon as she did that Lana seemed to be able to breathe again and to get the amount of air she needed.

»Thankyou«, she gasped, closing her eyes for a moment. Jen realized that she had been holding her breath the whole time as well and now dared to breathe again.

When medial care arrived Bex explained to them what had happened and they started to check Lana’s vital signs and to feel her pulse. Colin brought her some water and Jen did not even consider leaving Lana’s side. Instead she was rubbing her back and stroking her arm without caring what everyone else must have been thinking.

»Did this happen before?«, one of the paramedics, the younger one, asked and Lana shook her head in response.

»She has been working a lot lately«, Jen explained hoping for them to tell Lana to take it easy because she obviously was not listening to her. She was still convinced that they were overworking her and this had to end now.

»When was the last time you ate?«, the paramedic continued.

»I don’t know, this morning, I think.«

»Well then no wonder you fainted. Make sure to eat and drink regularly, okay?«, the older paramedic said. »We won’t have to take you with us but you should get some rest. Your pulse is a little weak so no stress for the next couple of days. Do you have someone who can make sure of that?«

»Yes«, Jen jumped in without hesitation.

»She has.« It was actually nice of Bex to at least try to make the situation less obvious. They were not alone on set but in this moment Jen could not have been bothered to care. Really, she was so over it.

»You scared the hell out of me«, Jen said while the paramedics and also the crew were packing up their stuff. They had called it a wrap for today, so everyone was about to leave.

»I’m sorry.« Lana’s head was resting against her chest.

Jen kissed her temple in response. »I’m gonna take care of you.« She would for sure. It got to her that Lana was that exhausted and she kind of blamed herself for that. Jen was sure that they wouldhave given her more days off when they knew she would not use them to spend time with her girlfriend.

»What about Paris?« Lana asked, already knowing the answer.

»That can wait.« There was no way Jen would make Lana go on a plane for who knows how long. Not when she was not feeling well.

»Jen-«

»You’re more important. We’ll go there next month.« That was probably a lie. They would not get the chance to go on vacation next month considering their schedule, but Lana was so excited for their trip and Jen did not want to disappoint her even more.


	23. August 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hey I'm back-ish xx

Even though they never made it to Paris, they had incredible five days together. On the first day Jen had cooked for her girlfriend, more or less successfully, and had given her a massage afterwards that had basically ended with Lana giggling over Jen’s lack of skills and them just cuddling on the sofa, not paying attention to anything except for each other. On the third day they had driven a little out of town for a late night picnic at one of those huge lakes and it had been so warm that they had even been able to jump into the water for a couple of minutes. They had also visited Claire at her restaurant and had dinner on the rooftop with Ashley and Taylor joining them later on.

Jen had felt sick to her stomach during convention weekend in San Diego because she was scared people would notice what was going on between them. Again, she had been a good actress, but it had been really hard to pretend to dislike the woman sitting next to her when a few hours earlier they had jokingly been touching each other inappropriately on the way to their hotel rooms. Their separate hotel rooms.

 

And now Jen was back in LA, keeping herself busy by working on her projects or by showing Ava the hiking trail right in front of their house and trying not to think about how Lana had not texted her in eight days. Jen had sent her like six messages and had tried to call her at least nine times but the brunette would not pick up her damn phone. Something was wrong and there was nothing Jen could have done about that. It would not even have helped her to be in Van as their schedules that season almost never coincided anyways and they _never_ saw each other. While she was hiking with her dog she put out her phone and read at the last message she had sent her.

»Listen, I’m really worried. It would be nice if you could just send me a quick message telling me that you’re okay.« 10:13am

This had been this morning. She actually knew that Lana was okay because she had posted a photo of her, a friend she had never heard of, and Lola yesterday, but still, she needed to hear it from her. Apparently Jen was not even worth a text message anymore. She would have given everything to know what the hell was wrong.

»Hey, are you free at 8? I need to talk to you.« 6:04pm

A response, finally. Even though it hurt because Lana normally never texted without emojis or a »mwah« or whatever. Everything about that situation was just weird and so out of character it drove her absolutely crazy. They had been okay. They had been happy.

»Sure, have I done something wrong?« 6:04pm

Jen’s hands were shaking a little when she pressed send.

»No, let’s talk tonight okay?« 6:05pm

Oh god, she was about to break up with her. Jen knew. She knew. Okay no, maybe not, they had just bought a house together. She would not break up with her just like that, would she? But maybe they had found out about them, maybe Jen had not been as subtle at con as she thought she had been. Maybe Lana was in trouble because of her right now. There were way too many »maybes« and »what ifs« running through Jen’s head and she just really wanted to talk to her.

 

At 8pm sharp Jen was sitting on the new sofa that finally had arrived this week. She had made herself a cup of tea, iPad laying in front of her, waiting for Lana to call her. She did a few minutes later. 

»Hey«, the brunette woman said softly with a fake, maybe even apologetic smile on her face. 

First thing Jen noticed was that Lana was neither in her apartment nor in a hotel room. »Hey.« Jen started chewing on her lower lip. A familiar male voice asked Lana if she wanted some but she denied whatever had been offered to her. So she was at Fred’s. Jen’s heart started to pound real slow and real heavy. It was slowly hammering against her chest, trying to break out. No matter what it was that Lana wanted to talk to her about, Jen would not like it.

»Uhm, there’s something I, uh, have to tell you.« Lana was not even looking at the screen anymore. At first she did but then she wrinkled her forehead and looked down, almost as if it was painful for her to look at Jen. She probably felt bad for what she was about to tell her.

»Okay«, Jen said, hardly audible. The words got stuck in her throat. She considered hanging up and pretending to have lost the connection. In case Lana wanted to tell her that it was over and that she got back together with Fred, Jen did not want to hear it.

»Uhm.« Lana swallowed, glancing around the room until her eyes apparently found what they were looking for. She nodded to somebody, probably Fred, wrinkling her forehead even more. She was about to cry.

»Just… tell me. I think I already know anyway.« Jen tried to sound comforting, not wanting Lana to be in this much distress over something she could not control. If she loved him of course Jen would let her go; there was no need for Lana to be scared of Jen giving her a hard time.

»I don’t think you do«, Lana said smiling sadly. Her voice was shaking and suddenly someone sat down next to her, putting an arm around her. 

It was a woman but Jen could not see her face until she took over the iPad. »Hey Jen.« Lana had left the couch.

What was Bex doing at Fred’s house? It was like she was watching a movie because none of it felt real. It just kept getting more and more confusing. »Can you tell me what’s going on, I-«

»I think I should wait until Lana’s back.« Bex gave her an apologetic smile as well. Jesus, she just wanted someone to say it out loud already. »Are you alone?«, the red haired woman added.

»Yeah, why?«

Bex shook her head. »I just thought it would be good for you not to be alone right now? Is there someone who can come over?«

»I think I’m old enough to handle a break up. You can tell her that I’m not gonna be a bar to them if they’re happy.« They treated her as if she killed herself when Lana broke up with her.

»Wait, what are you talking about?«

»She hasn’t texted me in days, she’s spending time with her ex-husband, or still-husband, and now she’s staying at his house. I’m not stupid.«

Bex stared at her for a moment, her look getting more and more pitying. God, Jen felt so small and insignificant and dumb.

»She’s not going to be break up with you. To be fair she thought about it, but not for the reason you might think. Look, I’m sorry for making this even more confusing for you, let’s just wait for Lana to come back, okay?«

»Where did she go?«

Bex looked over the edge of the device. »To the bathroom.«

The silence was killing her. Bex said something to Fred but she could not hear what it was, Lola was barking a few times in the background, until Fred payed attention to her. Apparently one of the boys was home but was now about to leave the house. Jen remembered that she had made tea and started sipping it so she would have something to do. Also it felt good to have something in her hands she could hold onto.

Finally, after what had felt like an eternity, Lana returned and sat down next to Bex again. She checked in with her before she gave her the iPad again. Lana had been crying, there was no doubt. But it seemed like she was feeling better. At least she did not look like she would cry again any time soon. She looked stronger. Jen’s heart clenched.

Lana pushed her hair behind her ears. »So there’s something I have to tell you but I don’t want you to freak out or anything, okay? Please just listen to me.«

Jen nodded. Her throat was so dry, her heart so heavy, her thoughts so loud.

»I went to see a doctor because I had trouble breathing again and he did an X-ray of my lungs and there was some abnormality, so he made a biopsy to check if it was a tumor and the results, uh, came back positive. It’s still in one of the earlier stages,…«

Lana continued to talk but Jen did not hear a single word anymore, she only heard the pounding of her own heart. Suddenly there was this big, giant lump in her throat that prevented her form swallowing, hell, even from breathing. This was too much for her body and her mind, everything was numb. She did not even notice that Lana had stopped talking. She saw Bex’s lips moving but she could not hear what she was saying. 

»You have cancer?«, Jen said or breathed and swallowed the word »you« after she found the ability to speak again.

»Yes.«

And in that moment Jen wished the news would have been that Lana had been cheating on her with Fred and had gotten back together with him. Jen would have done everything, everything, for Lana to be in love with a person that was not herself right now instead of being sick. And Jen would have done everything to just be heartbroken instead of feeling this kind of pain that resulted in numbness. When she was with Lana she was happy, so happy that it sometimes scared her because she knew exactly that happiness never lasted that long. But she had always expected the end of their happiness to be Lana walking away because Jen was not enough. Not this. Not a disease. The person she cared most about in this world was sick, she was suffering. Dealing with this literally felt impossible in this very moment, but there was no way she would show Lana in how much despair she was, because this was not about Jen. Lana was the one who was diagnosed with cancer, and Jen had to pull it together. There was no room for being scared. 

»But she’s gonna be fine.« Fred had joined them on the couch and suddenly Jen was glad that he was there, that Lana was not alone, that she had friends around her who supported her right now. It would kill her if Lana had to deal with that all by herself.

»Of course she’s going to be fine. You said they caught it early, right? So what’s the next step?«, Jen asked even though she was nowhere near ready to discuss this, but putting on a brave face was the least she could have done for her girlfriend.

»They wanna start chemotherapy as soon as possible and then surgery in December. They hope for the tumor to shrink so it’ll be easier to get it all«, Lana explained neutrally. It probably helped that Bex and Fred stayed calm, too. 

»Sounds like a plan. I’ll take the next flight available, when is your first session?«, Jen asked already looking for flights on her phone. Her hands where still shaking and she was not sure for how long she could have pretended to be okay with that situation.

Lana looked at Bex, as if she was seeking approval from her before she spoke. »You- You can’t come over. But don’t worry, Fred and Bex will come with me.«

»We won’t leave her and we’ll keep you updated. You have my word, Jen«, Bex assured her. What the hell was that supposed to mean.

»Wait, what are you talking about? Why can’t I come over?« The lump in Jen’s throat grew.

»You know why.« Great, now Lana felt sorry for her.

And obviously Bex was on her side. »She’s just getting treatment, there’s really no need for you to be careless right now.«

»You’ll be here in three weeks for filming anyways, right? We’ll take care of her until then«, Fred jumped in.

»There’s not much happening in the following weeks«, Lana tried to persuade her.

Ugh, she could not have cared less about her job or the press or whatever. But she knew that Lana cared about her job. Also, rumours about them dating was be the last thing Lana needed right now.Way too much stress. Just like pressure from the office and them stuffing her schedule even more. If Jen came over she would indeed make everything worse. But the thought of leaving her alone with all this was already killing her. »I… I don’t know…«

»I’ll come with her to her first session next week, and I’m gonna stay overnight at her’s in case she doesn’t feel good.« Bex was a really good friend, Jen figured.

»It’s okay, Jen, you know it’s better that way.« The way Lana said her name in that moment almost managed to break her and made her cry in front of her.

She hated that they were right. »Promise to be honest with me and please call me or text me so I know you’re okay. Please.«

»I promise.«

»Are you planning on letting the fans know?« Jen wished she could have talked to Lana alone for a few minutes, to tell her that everything would be okay, to make sure that she really wanted for Jen to stay in LA or if it was just Bex’s and Fred’s opinion.

»Not as long as I’m able to work. If everything goes as planned I’ll be fine after the surgery so I won’t have to cancel set days or appearances or anything. No one will notice.«

Jen nodded. She did not know what to say so she hung up and excused herself by telling them that she had to walk her dog. In reality she just really needed time to process without letting Lana see how much this got to her. Not because she was embarrassed, but because she was afraid Lana might not tell her the truth again when she saw that Jen had a hard time dealing with it. As soon as she put down the iPad, she got up and started wandering around in the living room without having anywhere to go. She allowed herself to shed a tear or two, to be angry at the world for a few moments. Hell, she had not even had the chance to show Lana their new sofa before fate stroke yet again. This was so, so not fair. She had to stop herself from smashing something, anything, really, and bursting out into tears big time. But then she reminded herself to pull it together because this was not the end. The least she could have done was to fight because walking out on her girlfriend was not even an option. Never.

Yes, she googled. In fact, she spent the whole night reading every article related to lung cancer. She read about different types, treatments, survival rates… about everything. Apparently the doctors had decided that Lana’s tumor was operable, which was a good thing. What really sucked was chemotherapy in advance because that would not only kill the bad cells, but also damage the healthy ones. But like Lana said, it was necessary in order to shrink the tumor so they could get it all out during surgery.

And Lana texted her, every day. There were so many appointments she had to take and check-ups she had to do before her treatment would be starting and she seemed to be dealing quite well with all this. She was strong and she was not alone. When Jen called her, Lana was either with Fred or with Bex. Mostly with Bex, which was good because she was a really positive and fun person in general and always managed to make Lana laugh. 

What bothered Jen was that she actually had no idea how Lana was feeling when she was alone. If she actually was okay with all that, or if she was scared. It prevented her from sleeping at night, and there had been several moments where she had to stop herself from calling her at 2am asking her if she was alright. But she had promised her not to freak out. The more she thought about that the more she wanted to be there for her. The thought of Lana crying herself to sleep made her heart contract painfully. 

 

The day of Lana’s first chemo session was absolute hell. Jen was stuck in a meeting for a new project she was working on and considered excusing herself but then again, there was no point. She would just sit at home worrying all day, looking at her phone every two seconds to see if Lana or Bex had texted her and freaking out if they had not. The session was supposed to last a few hours and Jen was on pins and needles. There was so much that could have gone wrong, so many side effects and Jesus this was happening way too fast. She wished the cancer was not progressed enough to start chemo right away. She wished they could have waited until Jen was there to support her.

The first text arrived around midday. It was from Lana saying they had started. She was making jokes about how the nurse looked a lot like Ginny and she was trying to secretly take a picture of her to send it to Jen. She managed to do so and indeed, the nurse really looked like Ginny. The second one came early afternoon. Bex told her that Lana was not feeling well because her body responded badly to the meds. They would not stop treatment, though. Apparently the doctor had said this was pretty common. The last text came in the evening, telling Jen that they had stopped the therapy and that Lana would be staying in the hospital over night for observation, because she had passed out and lost consciousness for over a minute and in addition to that, her pulse was pretty low. Enough information for Jen to immediately pack her bags and book her flight. She would not let her girlfriend go through this without her again. Fuck the job.


	24. September 2016

Lana was sitting on the edge of the bed when Jen arrived, putting on her shoes. She looked a little bit tired, but not like poison had been floating through her body a few hours ago trying to kill an even more dangerous disease. More like after an awfully long day on set with an even shorter night. It was her Lana. Her dorky, caring, yes sometimes a little bit snappy Lana. But she was not alone. Fred was sitting on a chair right in front of her bed, chatting with her before silently staring at Jen. This was awkward. 

»What are you doing here?«, Lana asked softly, nervously eyeing Fred and then her girlfriend again.

The thing was that Fred indeed had the right to kick her out of the room in an instant. Legally, he was her husband and Jen was no one. »Thought you could, uh, use some support. How are you feeling?« She would have loved to sit down next to Lana, taking her into her arms, being there for her. Instead she was standing in the middle of a room like a total stranger who was visiting a distant relative.

»Better, it was just too much for my body but I’ll get used to it. Did Bex tell you what happened?«, Lana asked, her hands holding onto the edge of the bed. Like she was trying to stop herself from getting up to be closer to Jen.

»Yeah.« Jen stayed where she was, glued to the spot.

»I didn't mean to get you worried. I’m really okay.« A fake smile.

»I- I still, uhm, wanna be here for you.«

»We’ve discussed this, Jen. I’m fine«, Lana said finally getting up and took at least one step closer to her girlfriend. God, Jen wanted to take her into her arms so badly.

There was no way she would let them drift apart over this. »…please. Please don’t push me away.«

»I’m not - well, I just don’t know what’s the right thing to do. I really don’t know«, Lana answered instantly.

»The right thing to do is that we go through this together, because we belong together. I wanna be by your side every step of the way. And- And I get that it’s kind of against what we had planned and all I can do is beg you to let me stay.«

»I should probably go«, Fred said grabbing his jacket and making his way to the door.

»Fred-«, Lana said and held his arm. 

»You don’t have to say anything. She’s here now. You don’t need me or Bex, you need her. I know you, at least a little bit. Tell her what you told us«, Fred said and briefly placed one hand on Lana’s shoulder before leaving the room. Jen avoided eye contact with him so she had no idea if he was mad at her for being there or whatever.

The thought of being with Jen seemed to scare Lana more than anything, probably because she thought Jen was not strong enough to keep it together, but she was. She was able to be the shoulder Lana could lean on. »What is it?«, Jen asked, her voice getting shaky again.

She took her time, looking for the right words. This seemed to be really hard on her and it was in no way Jen’s intention to put even more pressure on her. »I don’t want you to see me like that. They said there could be side effects to the chemo. I- I don’t want you to see that.«

»That’s why you don’t want me here? Because you’re afraid I won’t find you attractive anymore?« Sometimes, when Lana thought that little of herself, it hurt Jen. She wished she could see herself with Jen’s eyes.

Lana shrugged and pressed her lips together.

»There’s literally nothing that could make you look any less beautiful or prevent me from desiring your body. You’ll always be perfection in my eyes, no matter what happens, do you understand?« Jen grabbed Lana’s hands and pressed them against her chest. She needed to show her to fully convince her, that was for sure. But this was a start. »In sickness and in health.«

The brunette nodded before freeing her hands so she could place them around Jen’s waist, embracing her tightly, releasing a »mhm«, when she nuzzled her nose into the area where Jen’s chest and neck met. »We’re not married, though.« 

Jen chuckled. »Not yet. So tell me, how are you feeling? For real«, she said gently rubbing Lana’s back and placing a kiss on top of her hair. There was no time she felt more comfortable, more snuggly than when she held Lana in her arms. Even under these circumstances. 

»I feel okay, really. The meds yesterday knocked me out but I slept like 14 hours and then I talked to the doctors and they discharged me. I have to come back in tomorrow and for the next cycle in four weeks they will split the session in two days from the beginning so I won’t get the meds all at once again«, she said without releasing herself from the embrace. One hand was still resting on Jen’s back, the other one on her stomach; her temple pressed against Jen’s shoulder.

»Are you in pain or something?« Jen moved onto burying her fingers into Lana’s hair. Please don’t let her be in pain.

She seemed to like it as she was relaxing her muscles, her body was not that tense anymore. »No, but they gave me some pain meds for later, just in case.«

»Good.«

Jen held her for a little longer, trying to cope with the guilt she felt on the inside. She should have been there yesterday. She should have held her hand. She should have been there when she woke up again. She should not have left her side.

Lana nuzzled her nose into Jen’s neck again. »You smell nice.«

It did not fail to make Jen smile. »I smell like always.«

»Yes you do.« Her voice got lighter. »You smell like home.«

Jen’s tummy fluttered at her words. Lana saying sweet stuff like that did things to her. Like she was falling even more in love with her even though it was not possible. »So do you.«

»We’re each other’s homes«, Lana said with this high pitched, familiar voice and giggled.

It was kind of their thing that Lana said something sweet knowing that Jen loved it and her pretending not to. She rolled her eyes and laughed a little. »You’re being adorable again.« Hell, she was so in love with her. And they would beat that. They would.

 

Jen came with Lana to her apartment, with no intention of leaving her in the next few days. Lana insisted on cooking for them and Jen helped her as much as she could, or as much as Lana would let her. She saw that Lana was exhausted and tired, so she was glad when they finally sat on the couch together, eating their fish with grilled veggies. It was a good sign that Lana was eating. She needed the vitamins even more now. 

They decided to watch a movie, and it was Jen’s turn to choose one. She looked through Lana’s huge DVD collection, but it was not hard to decide when she spotted a movie that had her girlfriend on the cover and a huge spider in the background. She held it up for Lana on the couch to see.

»That one. I wanna watch that one.«

»Oh god, please, anything but that!« She buried her face in her hands as she was actually embarrassed. But she laughed and god Jen missed her laugh so much.

»You said I should choose, and i chose«, she read the title again as she was not paying attention to it when she pulled out the DVD. »Spiders.«

»You won’t make it till the end unless you’re drunk, believe me.«

»Challenge accepted.«

The movie was rather funny than bad. It was one of her first ones so Jen found it totally acceptable that it would not be nominated for an Oscar. She did not regret picking it though, as Lana looked absolutely adorable and also kind of badass with a bazooka in her hand trying to kill a ginormous spider. She also discovered how weak she was for Lana’s natural curls. But to be honest, she was weak for every hairstyle and every look Lana pulled off. During the big showdown Lana clearly struggled to keep her eyes open.

»It’s okay, c’mere«, Jen said, opening her arms and pointing to her lap so her girlfriend could lie down.

»No, I don’t wanna sleep.« She tried hard to fight the tiredness. It was not even 6pm and it seemed to bother Lana that her body was failing her like that.

»Sleep is good for you. Your body needs to rest.« In fact, sleeping was the best thing Lana could have done right now. There was a reason that patients were put to sleep when they were sick. But Lana hesitated and Jen tried to read her face again. »You don’t have to worry about me leaving you. I’ll be here when you wake up.«

Apparently this was enough to convince her. She placed her head in Jen’s lap and made herself comfortable. »Promise?«, Lana mumbled, already closing her eyes. 

Jen started to gently smooth a hand through her hair, knowing that it would make her feel good and safe. »Of course«, she assured her. In that moment Jen decided for herself that there was nothing and no one that could make her leave her girlfriend again. For real. This long-distance thing was over. From now on, Jen would be by her side, every step of the way, until there were no more steps to go. Until they both were old and grey, falling asleep for the last time, side by side, hand in hand.

By the time the end credits rolled over the screen, Lana’s breathing had gotten heavier, indicating that she was asleep. Jen grabbed the blanket and tucked her in, putting one arm around her while the other hand was still buried in her hair, stroking it tenderly. She was lost in thought, smiling weakly because it felt oddly good that she had made the decision to stop playing the game. Even if it was just a decision for now, and also Lana had no idea. For some reason Jen was sure that it was the right thing to do.

 

****

 

Lana put her arms around her body as she was sitting down in one of the free seats in that room full of patients receiving their treatment. Some of them were already in the middle of their therapy, others were still waiting to start or for the nurse to free them from the tube. It was obvious that Lana was everything but well. She was anxious even.

»It’s gonna be fine. See, they even let you sit down.« It was a good sign that Lana was allowed to sit with the others instead of receiving treatment in a room lying in a bed, knowing that she was not allowed to leave that soon. Jen sat down on a chair across from Lana, already trying to comfort her by holding her hand even though chemo therapy had not started yet. She had to fill in some forms and they had said that the nurse would be with her any minute so they could start.

»I don’t wanna spend another night here. I can’t pass out«, Lana said, sceptically eyeing the other people in the room. The woman next to them was curled up in her chair, breathing stertorously. She was wearing a headscarf and looked like she had not eaten in months. Her lips were dry and cracked, and the guy holding her hand was silently praying. The woman had not opened her eyes once. Jen drew the curtain to give them some privacy. She did not want Lana to have to watch them the whole time. Jen regretted not asking for a private room, but Lana had insisted not to. She told Jen it would make her feel better to see that she was not the only one going through this.

»You won’t, I’ll keep you awake. And after today you won’t have to see this place for a few weeks. Just… try and focus on that.« Jen gave her a smile, a real one, knowing that it would help Lana calm down. Compared to these other people Lana was almost healthy. It gave her hope, a lot of hope actually.

Lana nodded and leaned back in her chair. The nurse came over and informed them that the session would take a few hours and that they should call her as soon as there were any side effects. She then injected a needle into Lana’s vein, starting chemo and letting the meds do their job. Lana contorted her face a little, but relaxed it again once the meds entered her body. Jen watched her closely, trying to figure out how she was feeling without having to ask her. For now she just placed the back of Lana’s hand on her lips, looking at her while she was kissing it.

The guy who was sitting on their right seemed to be better company than the almost dying woman on their left, even though it was weird how he was observing them, grinning when Jen made eye contact. She panicked immediately, turning white as a sheet. He probably recognised them. Fuck.

Of course Lana noticed that something was wrong and did not take long for her to figure out what it was. When she turned around to face that guy and ask him why the hell he was staring at them like that, he held out his hand.

»Hey, I’m Jeff. Leukemia. Is this your first session?«, he asked and he actually seemed kind of nice.He had probably noticed that Lana was scared and for him it clearly was not the first time. Jen was suspicious, though. As long as he did not take any pictures they were fine.

»The second half of my first session so to say. I’m Lana. I have… lung cancer. This is my girlfriend Jen.« She squeezed Jen’s hand and looked at her like she was extremely proud to be with her. This look. Jesus. Jen smiled, almost giggled, even though she really tried to fight it.

»I figured. She’s doing a better job than my husband when he came with me to my first session. He straight up fainted when the nurse injected the needle«, Jeff said, chuckled, and adjusted his glasses.

Okay so he had grinned at Jen because of the gay and not because they were celebrities. Jen dared to breathe again. »Needles don’t bother me«, she explained. What would bother her more was if Lana was in pain. Then it would get tough for her. But she did not even want to think about that right now.

»So you have to sit through chemo alone?«, Lana asked. Of course she cared, she was Lana. The woman with the heart of gold.

»Oh don’t worry about me, I’m usually working during chemo anyways«, he said and pointed to his laptop. »The kids need him more than I do.« He pulled out his phone and showed Lana and Jen pictures of his family. Apparently they had two kids, a girl and a boy, and they looked absolutely adorable together. Lana was delighted to listen to his stories and Jen was even more happy about the fact that this distracted her from the poison running through her veins. Jeff’s son was hard of hearing to they had to learn sign language and Lana told him that she had learned a little bit of sign language as well. She did not mention the fact that she had learned that for a role she had played in the past. 

»So where did you guys meet?«, Jeff asked, wanting to hear their story after telling them his.

Lana smiled at Jen, who was already panicking again. »At work. We were working on a project together. She looked so pretty I just had to walk over and talk to her.«

Jen decided to just go with it. They could tell their story without giving away the fact that they were actors. »And I fell for her big time. Took us only, like, four years until we started dating.« In hindsight, that was so ridiculous. They were meant to be together a long time ago.

Lana chuckled. »A lot of stuff happened but… we found each other. What’s meant to be will always find a way.« 

Jen was holding eye contact with her, ignoring her fluttering stomach. She had no idea she could love someone as much as she loved Lana. She had always thought she was incapable of loving someone. Jen closed her eyes and kissed Lana’s cheek for a brief moment. 

»You’re absolutely right«, Jeff commented. He was finished with his session and one of the nurses released him from the tube. In secret Jen had hoped he would stay for a little longer as Lana could clearly need the distraction, but she was also happy for him that he could go home to his husband and kids. »See you in about three weeks?«, he asked and Lana nodded. She also made him promise to teach her more sign language.

 

An hour later Lana was starting to feel more than uncomfortable. She pressed her hands on her stomach, moaning in pain. Jen immediately called the nurse, but she said she could not give her a higher dosage of pain medication as it would affect the chemo. It was normal, she said. 

»What can I do?«, Jen asked her girlfriend, a little desperate. With every moan, every grunt, every voicing of slight discomfort Jen’s stomach clenched a little more, because she knew that there was absolutely nothing she could do to ease her pain. The only thing she could do was watch. Great.

Instead of answering, Lana suddenly gestured with her hands, indicating Jen to pass over the bowl that was placed on the table next to her. Jen did so, helping Lana to sit up in the chair. Lana’s finger clenched around the bowl as she started emptying her stomach. Jen immediately switched places, figuring that she would be more useful sitting next to her so she could rub her back and hold back her hair.

»I’msorry«, Lana slurred, before she vomited again. 

She had barely eaten anything, so her stomach must have been more than empty by now. »Shh, you don’t have to apologize for that.« Nausea was the most common side effect to chemo therapy, they both knew that. Lana looked super pale though and Jen was afraid she might faint, but thankfully that did not happen. Jen placed Lana’s hair behind her ears, letting her other hand rest on her back to comfort her. 

Lana exhaled audibly and let herself fall back in the chair. Jen grabbed the bowl and placed it on the table again, where it was picked up by a nurse. She then took Lana’s hand and caressed the back of it, trying to look as calm as she could possibly manage. »Are you feeling better?«, she asked, and she did a pretty good job smiling to comfort her. 

»A little, maybe«, Lana said and waited a moment to continue. »God Jen I really am so sorry, I really didn’t want you to see that.«

»Please don’t be sorry, it’s human, you’re a human being. And I love you no matter what.« Jen grinned and pulled out her phone. She had downloaded some songs she knew Lana would like. She gave her one ear bud and kept the other one for herself, so they could listen to Bowie together. Lana’s face softened when she heard her favourite song, and she squeezed Jen’s hand in return. »We’re so gonna go on vacation when this is over. Where do you wanna go?«, Jen asked, already picturing her and Lana chilling on the beach with cocktails in their hands.

»Hmm…« Lana smiled and closed her eyes for a few seconds. »A trip across France would be nice. We still gotta go to Disneyland and Paris.«

»Right, that’s what we’re gonna do. And after that we’re gonna go to a small city on the French Riviera so I can see you in a bikini and take a million pictures of you when I take you out to dinner at a fancy restaurant in the evening where we drink wine and eat cheese and forget about all the shit that has happened to us.« Jen could have gone on and on about all the things she wanted to do with her, all the memories she wanted to make with the woman she loved.

»Sounds like a plan. I can already hear the waves crashing. You’re gonna look so beautiful with wind in your hair and the sunset in the background.« She started playing with Jen’s fingers. »My princess«

»Stop calling me that, I’m not a princess, I’m your knight, I will protect and fight for you«, Jen joked and intertwined her fingers with Lana’s, holding her hand with both of her’s.

»Of course you will, you’re my princess-knight. Princess by day, knight by night.« Her eyes were shining.

»If I’m your princess then you’re my queen.« Jen mockingly kissed the back of Lana’s hand, like people actually greeted royalty back in medieval times.

Lana laughed a little and shook her head. She freed her hand to cup Jen’s face, caressing her cheek with her thumb.

Suddenly a familiar face surrounded by red curls and two cups of coffee in her hand appeared in the doorway, looking around until she spotted Jen and Lana. »Hey, Beauties«, she said, greeting both of them with a cheek kiss and offering Jen a cup of coffee. She gladly accepted realizing that she had not had anything to drink in hours. The other one was for Lana, but she refused it, because her stomach was still irritated. »You look good«, Bex said surprised and she was right, Lana looked indeed a little bit better than a few minutes ago. She turned to Jen. »Did she fall asleep again?«

»No, she has been awake the whole time. She felt just a little nauseated«, Jen answered and smiled contently. 

»That’s good though. So you won’t have to stay here tonight?«

»Looks like it.« Lana seemed to be very relieved about that, and so was Jen.

»See, I knew your would get used to it. Only four more sessions to come until surgery and then you’ll be cancer free«, Bex said, squeezing Lana’s upper arm. Jen liked that Bex did not distance herself from her best friends just because she had cancer. She was convinced that Bex would not let her down and that Lana could rely on her no matter what. And that friends like that were incredibly important.

Lana gave Bex a half-smile and nodded. 

Jen would forever be thankful for Bex’s positivity, because that was exactly what Lana needed. Even though she was convinced there would be other obstacles to come that somehow prevented them from spending their lives together, but as long as Lana was healthy again it did not matter, they would overcome them. »Yes, and once you’re healthy again we’re out of here.«

»What do you mean?«, Bex asked and took a sip of Lana’s coffee.

»Vacation. Big one«, Jen explained. 

»Oh yes, you two deserve that.«

She wondered what Lana had told her, if she was her shoulder to cry on when Jen was not with her, like that time when they had broken up. She wondered if Bex had told her to fly to LA and make it up with her, or if she had suggested that she should rather stay away from her. She seemed to be rooting for them, though.

»I wish we could go now«, Lana said a little disappointed.

»Me too.« 

 

Thankfully, Lana was allowed to go home that day. The doctors said she would be tired and nauseous for the next two days but then she would be herself again. And indeed, even though Lana had not eaten the whole day, despite her plans of taking Jen out to dinner, Jen was woken up in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from the bathroom. She panicked on the inside, even more when Lana refused to open the bathroom door at first but eventually let Jen convince her otherwise. She was kneeling in front of the toilet, tears pooling in her eyes from exhaustion. Jen did not hesitate to kneel down behind her, holding her hair and her forehead when she leaned over the toilet and vomited again. After a few minutes Lana leaned back against Jen, relaxing her muscles and letting her hand rest on her tummy. 

»It’s okay, Baby«, Jen said, almost swallowing the last word. Then she got an idea how she could cheer her up a bit. »That’s good practice for me.«

»What is that supposed to mean?«, Lana asked, still breathing heavily.

»Once your pregnant with our child you’ll probably be puking nearly every morning and I’ll always be there to hold your hair.« She was not scared anymore to let Lana know that she wanted a future with her.

»Hold on a second, who said I would be the one to get pregnant?«, Lana said without sitting up. She seemed to enjoy resting in Jen’s arms.

So she was up for kids in general, even if they were just joking around. »Have you seen yourself? It would be a shame to rob our kids of your genes.«

»I have cancer«, Lana said but did not sound offended by Jen’s suggestion.

»Yeah but lung cancer is not necessarily genetic.« She also knew that cancer was not running in Lana’s family.

»Also I want our kids to have your nose and your face and your hair and your body and your intelligence«, Lana said sleepily and even though Jen could not see her face because she was still laying in her arms, she could tell that she was smiling.

»We’re going to have a serious discussion about this because I won’t give in that easily.« In the end she was up for anything if she had Lana by her side.

Lana chuckled. »I want this life with you.«

Jen wondered if Lana could feel her heart starting to pound faster and faster against her back. »Oh, we will have it. I promise. And you know I keep my promises.«

Lana cuddled up to her and they stayed like this, sitting on the bathroom floor, for a few minutes until Lana was sure she was feeling better and ready to go back to bed. And once again Jen stayed awake, waiting for her to fall asleep.


	25. November 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A short one, the next chapter will be the longest yet :) xx

It was exactly like the doctors had predicted, Lana could go to work and just live her life without having everyone to tell that she was sick. After a few days she was back on track like nothing had ever happened. Even the next cycle of chemo went well, except for the nausea that was pretty bad. Jen had read a lot about nutrition and eating well during chemo and that’s why she always reminded Lana to eat and to drink when they were at rehearsals on set, because she tended to skip lunch and use the break for extra rehearsals.  
They were still cautious, though. It was weird that no one has said anything. It was obvious that they were spending lots of time together but no one had called them out on it. Jen highly doubted that they suddenly did not care anymore, but she also doubted that they had decided to blindly trust them. It had to be something else and Jen caught herself waiting for something bad to happen. Something that would make them part again.

They woke up next to each other - something they had learned to appreciate as it was not something they could have done very often in the past year. Even though they had not spent one night apart since Lana was sick, Jen would not stop cherishing these moments because she knew exactly how it had felt when she was waking up alone, instantly missing her girlfriend, knowing that she would not see her for who knows how long. Instead of immediately getting up and going for a run, Jen pulled Lana closer, receiving a sleepy giggle. The blonde woman buried her head into Lana’s neck to enjoy her scent.

»We have to get up«, Lana said without moving an inch. 

»I know.« Instead of doing so, Jen hugged her even tighter as if Lana was a lifebelt she desperately wanted to hold onto. And she kind of was. She meant the world to her, and Jen was painfully reminded of how much she needed Lana every time they had to go to that stupid hospital with these dying people. At least Jeff had been there too and he seemed to be doing well. He would recover, and so would Lana.

»How about I make breakfast and you walk Lola?«, Lana suggested.

Her morning voice was Jen’s favorite tune. She could listen to her talking for hours, so she did not answer to force her to talk even more.

»Answer me. Do we have a deal?« Jen could tell that Lana was smiling because she knew she would rather stay in bed with her.

»Yeah«, Jen replied but still refused to let her leave. Instead, she started tickling her until she could hear her beautiful laugh. She rolled her over so Lana was basically lying on top of her and Jen could hold her even tighter.

»You never told me how you got your scar«, Jen stated and could not stop herself from touching it gently. It was definitely one of her favourite things about her girlfriend.

»I was trying to save my cat’s life.«

»That’s very like you.« She pulled her closer and kissed her deeply, holding the kiss until she needed air.

»We’re gonna be late for filming«, Lana giggled and started to draw lines on Jen’s chest until she reached her cleavage and Jen wished she would not stop there. But if she had not stopped they would not have made it out of bed the entire morning, so Lana freed herself and made her way to the bathroom, only to turn around halfway to blow Jen a kiss.

When Lana was so full of life, Jen asked herself if it was even true. If she really was sick. Maybe the doctors had misdiagnosed her. Deadly sick people did not get up early or went to work. People with deadly diseases planned trips to the beach or did stuff they had never done before but always wanted to do. Ill people looked ill. Lana was not like these people. But the reality was a different one.

 

It did not happen very often that they had to be on set at the exact same time, but on that day they had. Driving to work with Lana and sitting next to her at hair and makeup had something peaceful and soothing. Although Jen could not interact with her the way she did when the two of them were alone, she knew Lana was there. Sometimes their hands touched (accidentally of course) just to make sure the other one was still there. Jen caught herself staring at her girlfriend so often that she was wondering why no one had figured out what was going on yet. The mood on set was special and heartwarming that day. Maybe it was because it was Sean’s first day back and everyone liked him. Sean and Lana had become good friends when they were working together, and Sean was a fun person to hang out with. Everyone had been sad when he had had to leave. Maybe it was because not one single cast member knew if this would be the one of their last scenes they had together. Everyone signed up for six seasons, and this was the sixth. It felt more like a farewell party than actual work. When Josh saw Jen, he immediately picked her up and spun her around like the dad he was for her character and the good friend he was for her in real life. They had gotten closer again and hung out a lot together the past weeks, only the four of them and Bex. It was good for both Lana and Jen not to talk about Lana’s disease for a few nights. Not that they had been talking about it all the time, but Jen figured it was good to just forget about it for a while. There was nothing to think about anyways. Lana would receive one more session of treatment, and then they would finally cut out the tumor. And then they could go on vacation.  
Since Lana was the only one who brought her phone to set that day, she was the one to take silly pictures of Jared and Sean first, and later of Ginny and Josh. From different angles, of course. She looked like one of those paparazzi photographers and Jen found that really cute and also kind offunny. It got even funnier when Lana insisted on taking a photo of Jen as well, and they wandered around set to find the perfect lightning. When Jen asked Lana why she put that much effort in taking pictures of everyone, she said she wanted to do a project for her fans. Of course she would. Lana always tried her best when it came to her fans. 

What concerned her a bit was that Lana did not miss any opportunity to hug her co-stars. She had always been a huggy and touchy person, but this was different. There was this little voice in Jen’s head that told her that it was almost like Lana was genuinely saying goodbye, but there was no need to do so, Lana was feeling well and the doctors were quite optimistic. Jen repressed that thought immediately. 

Rightnow there was no time to worry about things like that anyways. Jen had to focus on filming a rather difficult scene with Colin. She had practiced it with Lana though, because she felt quite insecure about shooting scenes she could not really identify with. In fact, she could not identify with her character at all lately. Her character had been in distress the whole season and it was not something she was particularly good at. Meaningful dialogues and especially the ones with Jared, her TV son, were more her thing. What also drove her nuts was that so many people were on set that day. It made her feel exposed and even more insecure. Normally she loved having all the main actors around because it was always fun, but not when she had to shoot something she felt not completely comfortable with. 

Also, it was freezing cold. She passed her coat to one of the crew members right before going to the spot where Colin already warmed himself up and got into character.

»Are you okay?« he asked, while the crew fogged the area to make Steveston look a little more like Storybrooke. Not everyone was watching them. Some went over the script themselves to learn their lines last minute.

»Yeah, it’s just cold.« Not that this was anything special in Vancouver. She was used to it by now. She really hoped that she would make it through that scene without embarrassing herself completely. There was also some fans watching from a distance, but they could see what was going on if Jen messed up.

»Jen, we’ve been filming together for years now. Don’t tell me you’re okay when clearly something’s off.« Colin rose an eyebrow at her and tried to make eye contact with her.

»I’m just not feeling good with playing Emma anymore, you know. She is written so out of character lately, I don’t even know how to play her anymore. I always knew exactly how she would react in different situations but now I just don’t know.« She was lowering her voice, because she did not want one of the writers to hear that she was criticising their work. As an actress she had to do what they told her to.

»Right, and I’m totally with you on that, but unfortunately we don’t really have a saying in this. We just have to try our best and I’m sure you’ll make the best of it. You’re a good actress.« Colin gently touched her shoulder. »If it helps, it’s not just you. I wish we could skip all these scenes as well. You know I preferred playing Evil Hook.«

Jen had decided not to sign for a possible season 7 years ago, but this just confirmed what she was planning to do. »I know, I know. I’m ready, I guess.« She hated and loved that Colin and her got along so well. She hated it because fans had been mistaken them for lovers multiple times in the past, which was ridiculous due to the fact that Colin and his wife were one of her best friends. She loved it because it made it a lot easier to film intimate scenes and they supported each other when they were not happy about what the writers had planned for their characters.

Surprisingly, the scene went very well. They did not even need a second take. Maybe it helped her that Lana and everyone else was joining the scene as well. It made the whole thing less intimate.

When Jen was wrapped up in her cozy jacket again, Lana walked right through her, gave her a high five and then hugged her. Jen instantly pulled away, looking around in panic. There were fans watching and filming them and Lana just hugged her in front of everyone. Immediately Jen took a few steps back. Not showing any kind of physical affection while being on set or any event related to ABC was one of the things they had agreed on from the very beginning to protect themselves and their relationship.

»I’m sorry«, Lana said, »I’m just really proud of you. My actress.«

»It’s okay.« She looked at the people standing at the barrier and waving at them enthusiastically. Lana smiled and waved back shyly. For a brief moment Jen considered kissing her in front of everyone so they finally would not have to hide anymore. But she just smiled at her girlfriend, and Lana smiled back, almost as if she was thinking the exact same thing.

 

After filming for at least ten hours, the whole cast went to a burger place for dinner and Jen almost choked when she saw who else they had invited. Apparently Rose was in town and someone had decided to invite her. Probably Colin. They were good friends. 

»Let’s go«, Jen whispered right when they got in and Jen saw Rose sitting at the table chatting with Ginny and Josh who got here earlier.

»Why?«, Lana asked until she found the source of Jen’s urge to turn on her heel.

»I’m not gonna sit at a table with her«, she said determined to leave but apparently Lana had other plans.

»Maybe you guys should talk.« Lana shrugged.

»Are you serious? After what she’s done to us?«

»I just think you could give her a second chance. We’re together now, we found a way.« Lana eyed the younger blonde woman before turning to Jen again.

Apparently Rose saw them talking about her and slowly made her way up to them. She was super scared, Jen could tell. »Hey«, she said insecurely. Lana smiled at Jen and went to join the others so the both of them could talk.

»Why are you here?«, Jen asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest. It was still hard to look at her former best friend without getting angry.

»I missed my friends«, Rose admitted and indicated that she meant the rest of the group by that. 

»Hm.«

»How are you? You look exhausted.«

That was nice of her to say. Actually, honesty was a quality Jen had always valued in her. »This job isn’t fun.« A truth. Not the truth, but one truth.

»I know. Is there something else?«, she asked, indicating that she knew more than Jen had told her by now.

»No? Why?«

»You can always talk to me… like, I’ll always be your friend.« Rose’s face softened, like she was actually feeling sorry for her.

»What are you talking about? What do you know?« There was no way she could know about Lana’s disease. There was no way she could know anything about their lives.

»Enough, I guess.«

Maybe she was bluffing, but maybe not. She seemed to know exactly what she was talking about. »I swear to god if you tell anyone anything I-«

»I won’t, relax.« 

»Why do you know, who told you?« Bex or Fred. It could only be Bex or Fred.

»I don’t know if I should-«

»Oh you better tell me the truth for once!!« Jen had to prevent herself from raising her voice because this was not the place for yelling.

»I got a call from a friend that told me you two could use a little help so I helped. Satisfied?«

»What do you mean by that? What did you do?«

»I told the office about your girlfriend of course. That’s what I do best, right?« Jen was ready to throw something. »Kidding. I mean, not really. I told them about your girlfriend but not about your actual one.«

»You’re not really making sense right now.«

»I told them you and I were hanging out again and that you had a girlfriend and planned on keeping it a secret until the show ends. I said her name was Claire and I hope she doesn’t mind.«

»Why would you do that? And why would they believe you?« By then, Jen was more than confused. The office could not be that stupid and actually believe that.

»Because I sent them pictures of you and her, of course. Old ones.«

Jen connected the dots. When she started to hang out with Claire they had indeed taken pictures and she might have had sent a few to Rose. That was why they were leaving them alone. They genuinely had no idea that she was actually still with Lana. She nodded and thought about thanking her but actually she did not want to. »Who’s that friend?«

»Please don’t ask, she meant well and it actually helped you guys. I mean, the office is questioning me about Claire but they have no idea about Lana!«

»Just… tell me. So I can thank that friend.« Even though this friend should not have trusted Rose with this.

»It was Bex.«

Yeah, Bex probably really meant well. And she did well. All she wanted was for them to be happy and she would never do something that would hurt Lana. »Okay.«

»Are we even now?«

Under these circumstances, Jen could actually see herself forgiving her. Thanks to her Lana and her were able to spend time together. Thanks to her she could be there for her girlfriend. »… I guess. Thanks.«

»You’re very welcome, that was the least I could’ve done. And I’m really sorry for what happened with La-«

»Don’t talk about that here, no one knows«, Jen interrupted.

»Okay. How’s she holding up?«, Rose whispered to make sure no one could her whom she was talking about.

»She’s doing okay. She’s the strongest woman I know«, Jen said and tried to sound not too much in love if this was actually possible.

»I think you’re the strong one. Watching the person you love suffer like that. Must be really tough.«

»…yeah.«

»I’m here if you need help.« 

Rose meant well and in the future maybe Jen could use someone to talk to, but not now. »Yeah thanks, uhm, I don’t know about you but I’m starving.«

»Me too.«

»Come, let’s get dinner«, Jen said and started walking towards the table where Lana had saved a chair for her.

»I missed you, Mozza«, Rose said right when Jen was about to sit down.

»Don’t push it.«

Rose laughed and made her way towards her chair.

 

The only two good things that came out of this show were that Jen had found the love of her life and also friends she did not want to miss. That was why she could never regret signing. On nights like these, when they were all sitting together, eating and drinking and chatting about everything and everyone, it showed her how grateful she was to have them all in her life. Colin could have hated and blamed her for the threats and hate they had gotten for years, but instead he decided not to. Ginny could have told the office about Lana and her, it was fairly easy for her to find proof, but she chose not to. Lana could have hated Jen, but instead she fell in love with her. So no, Jen was not sorry for playing Emma Swan. Not even in the slightest, but she had accepted that this was over now. The people she had met would stay in her life though, hopefully forever.


	26. December 2016

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next chapter next week probably :) x

The third session of chemo had brought severe headaches and by the time of the last session Lana was barely even able to keep any food down because the nausea had gotten even worse. The doctor had told them yet again that this was common and her recovery should start right after surgery. They had to be patient, he said.

One day Jen had caught Lana sitting on the couch with her phone in her hand posting old photos as new ones. When Jen had asked her why she was doing that she had said that she did not want her fans to worry about her. They had done a pretty good job of keeping Lana’s disease private and it had helped that Lana had not missed one day of work because they had scheduled the session so she was able to work. Jen was actually relieved when they were on winter break so Lana could rest before her surgery. People managed to work full time jobs for months while receiving chemo treatment, and Lana would probably be no different, but still, the break was very welcome.

There was a silver lining to this awful situation, though. Lana’s surgery would take place in Los Angeles, because there was a better clinic for it there, so they finally got to go home. Not to one of their apartments, but to their actual home. They were both super pumped the day they left freezing Vancouver for decent LA. Lana was glowing; her mood was improving with every mile and Jen could not help herself but stare and smile at her the entire flight and when Lana asked why she was looking at her like that she kept answering with »because you’re beautiful«. She would receive a kiss for that. Not only one, in fact.

After they arrived at their house, Lana was settling in with Lola, while Jen went to pick up Ava so their dogs could finally meet. When she came home she could not even believe her own nose. It smelled of food. Fillet, maybe. Definitely fish. No matter what it was, as long as Lana was making dinner because she actually wanted to eat something, Jen was satisfied. 

»You’re cooking«, Jen said and gave her girlfriend a soft kiss on the cheek while letting her hands rest on her hips.

»Yes, I’m feeling much better.« Lana had avoided being near food for the past weeks because even the smell of it made her throw up. »I’m starving.«

Her appetite was back and she was hungry. Jen had never thought she could be that happy about someone craving food.

»We need to go grocery shopping tomorrow; there’s barely anything in the fridge to cook a decent meal with«, Lana stated and stirred the fish that was sizzling in the pan. Jen was glad that she had hired a house sitter while they had been away, because otherwise there would not have anything to eat at all right now. Because she was staring at Lana again she had almost forgotten that she had left her little dog unprotected with another dog three times taller than Ava, but fortunately Lola had quickly accepted her new friend. Lana was chuckling over how excited Lola was and pulled out her phone to film them for a minute, while Jen was taking care of the food. When Lana was talking to her dog her voice always changed a lot and Jen always found herself immediately stopping what she was doing and looking over to her instead. She wondered if she would ever get used to this or if she would forever be baffled by the fact that Lana was her girlfriend, that Lana _loved_ her, that she had _chosen_ to be with her.

When dinner was ready Jen placed the dishes on the table outside. The dogs came running after her and Lola was a little too excited so she jumped right into the pool. Jen opened a bottle of wine when Lana joined her and put the food on the table. »I love how Ava is too scared to go in as well«, Lana said when Ava sought shelter underneath the table Lana and Jen were sitting at.

»I love how she’s coming to you instead of me. She’s betraying me.«

»She’s probably just trying to trick me into giving her food, am I right?«, Lana said to Ava who was waggling her tail in excitement. Lana started to pet the smaller dog that seemed to be thrilled to have two mommies now.

»I think she just loves you but I can’t blame her. Dogs are smart.«

It was getting a little bit chilly so Lana put on a cardigan, and normally Jen would have done that too but compared to Vancouver the weather here was almost hot. After finishing their meals Lana switched places because she decided Jen’s lap was the better place to be. Jen did not mind at all. She loved having her as close as possible. Lana cupped Jen’s face with both of her hands and kissed her, even though kiss was not the right word, more like she took her with her to another universe and back within seconds. 

»This is the first time living in our house together«, Lana said without breaking eye contact, letting her arms rest on Jen’s shoulders and playing with Jen’s hair at the back of her head, utter adoration in her eyes. Jen listened to the familiar, increased beat of her own heart again, taking one of Lana’s hands and placing it on her chest. She did not want to say anything and hoped this would count as a response. 

When they were sitting there, Jen admiring Lana’s side profile whenever she turned her head to check on the dogs, sipping wine and enjoying the last moments of sunshine, Jen got an idea. Actually she had wanted to wait with that until after Lana’s surgery. She had wanted to wait until they were in France and she had planned to do it on a beach, but something had changed her mind. It had to be today.

»Can I take you somewhere?«, Jen said swallowing hard because she knew that there was no turning back once Lana had said yes.

»Right now?«, Lana asked a little bit surprised.

»Yeah.« Jen put Lana’s hair behind her ear, only because she was looking for a reason to touch her some more.

»Uh, sure.« 

Without questioning Lana got up and started to clear the table, but Jen stopped her. »I’m gonna do this later. Come with me.«

»What is going on?«, Lana asked suspiciously but did not receive an answer. She just accepted Jen’s hand and followed her to the car. »I’m not, like, dressed for a night out«, Lana said but could not hide the fact that she was kind of excited.

»It’s not really a night out. Just… trust me«, Jen said and opened the passenger door to indicate Lana to get in the car. Jen really tried to smile but she could not really hide how freaking nervousand emotional she was.

They drove for about fifteen minutes and Lana tried everything to get Jen to talk and to tell her where they were heading, but she remained silent. And Jesus Christ Jen’s hands had never been this sweaty. Not even when she was sitting in the exact same car right before coming out to Rose. Not even when she had the courage to ask Lana out. This was a whole new level.

When they approached the hill, Lana figured where they were about to go. »Oh I know this place, the porch concert where we went to with Ginny and Josh a few years ago was here. Is this where we’re going?«

»Kind of«, Jen answered and she felt bad because her answers were so short but her throat was just so dry she could not have a conversation right now. Also she suddenly felt the strong need to turn around, but again, it was too late to back out. 

She stopped the car on the side of the road, her legs a little shaky when she got out of the car and opened the door for Lana to join her.

»Are you okay?«, Lana asked, following Jen to a bench with a familiar view over the city. They had been sitting here when Lana’s feet hurt from dancing and walking around in high heels for hours, so Ginny and Josh went to get the car to pick them up. 

»Wait here«, Jen said and went back to the car to get what she needed in order to do what she wanted to do. She had bought it when Claire and the girls had been here after her birthday and they had helped her picking it out.

»Nothing quite like this view, am I right?«, Jen asked in a rather strange voice, keeping one hand behind her back. She was actually just trying to beat around the bush.

»…Yeah… right…«, Lana said and squinted her eyes at her girlfriend. It was funny how she knew exactly that there was something else going on. »But when I look at you Los Angeles’ skyline becomes kinda unimpressive.«

Of course this was not the reason Jen had brought her here. They had been joking about this before and Jen had no idea that she would be stressing that much when it was actually about to happen, because there was still a possibility that Lana would say no and Jen would not survive that. 

Right before Jen was about to have a panic attack that would made her chicken out for sure with the stupidest excuse ever, she took a deep and audible breath. »I actually wanted to make this more special but it just feels right to do it today«, she explained and did not dare to look her girlfriend in the eyes. She took Lana’s hand and got down on one knee. »Re-Remember when I said that this was my favourite place?«, Jen asked and forced herself to look up to Lana. She tried so hard not to stutter but she was so, so nervous. Lana nodded. »Well, uhm, I was wrong.« Jen paused and swallowed again. »You are my favourite place. Your eyes. Your arms. Your kisses. They’re my home.« She was trying hard not to choke on her own tears that were slowly welling in her eyes and this was just ridiculous and she wished she could get it together for once. She somehow managed to gulp them back. It was so hard to read Lana’s face right now and Jen considered that she was not going to try that but to go through with what she had to say instead. »Don’t expect me to ever forget how adorable you looked when I saw you for the first time, because this was the beginning of a whole new chapter. You’ve changed my life in so many ways. When I look at you I feel safe and loved and- and I feel genuinely _happy_. Fate hates us but I can’t hate fate because it brought us together and I will forever be thankful for that, from the bottom of my heart. You are very special to me, Lana, and words can’t describe how much I love you. Even when you’re being stubborn again.« Jen’s lips started to tremble. »You’re the love of my life, you’re my everything, and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.« She opened the box, which was not as easy as she had imagine it to be thanks to her super shaky hands. »Marry me. Please.« 

Now that she was finished with her little speech she could finally start worrying about Lana’s response. She was not smiling and she looked genuinely surprised. Her lips were slightly parted and her eyes were definitely watery.

»Jennifer…«, she said, and she was not moving. Her hand was still resting in Jen’s and she just stared at her in shock or whatever it was. »Of course, yes, of course I will marry you.«

»Ohthankgod.« Jen had held her breath the entire time waiting for Lana’s answer. She carefully put the ring on Lana’s ring finger and stood up again. »I told you I would propose as soon as I get the chance.« That was supposed to lighten the mood a bit but Lana was weirdly quiet. She was still staring at Jen, a single tear running down her cheek. „Hey, don’t cry, was this a bad idea?«, Jen asked, wiping it away with her thumb, but there were more tears to come. It was so strange that she was not smiling or anything. She looked genuinely sad.

»No, it wasn’t. Jen, you make me _so_ happy. I love you _so_ much.« It was a probably a good sign that she did not withdraw her hand.

That was sincere, no doubt. Still, something was bothering her. »But something is wrong, I can tell.« In that moment Jen wished she could read her mind. It did not seem to be easy for her to talk about whatever was going on.

»It’s just… I’ve never been this important to someone; I’m so scared I will hurt you.« Lana was now sobbing for real.

»Why would you hurt me?« Jen wanted to take her into her arms and hold her, but something about Lana’s posture told her that she did not want to be hugged right now.

»…If I don’t… survive this. What will happen to you?« She started that sentence twice because apparently the first time the lump in her throat made it impossible to talk.

That hurt, Jen could basically hear her heart break for a second until she reminded herself that Lana was very much alive and that she would be for years. »Uh, nothing, because you’re not dying? You’ll have surgery in two weeks and then everything will go back to normal.«

»You know that there’s a real possibility for the cancer to come back even if the surgery is successful.« She said that with a lot of compassion in her voice, like she knew exactly how hard this subject was for Jen.

»I don’t want you to think about that. For now, all that matters is for you to get better, and you will; there’s no other option. The doctors are very optimistic and so am I. And so should you.« Jen looked her right in the eyes when she said that, and she also held her face with both of her hands. She needed her to understand and to believe in the fact that she was going to be cured.

Lana nodded. »I am. You’re right.«

It was not that Jen was burying her head in the sand. Lana’s cancer was not terminal or anything. And a lot of people had been cancer free after surgery. »Good.«

Now Lana was smiling, and the more she seemed to realize what had happened the more it grew. »I should get the divorce papers ready for April, because legally I’m still married.«

It was funny because sometimes Jen forgot about that little but important detail. »Yes you should.«

Lana started to observe the silvery ring with a small diamond that was shimmering even though there was not much lighting up here. »It’s beautiful.«

»Do you like it?« When she had told Claire and the girls about her plans that included proposing to Lana, they all had encouraged her to do so and volunteered to go ring shopping with her.

»Very much. Thank you.« She leaned in so their lips could finally touch. 

Jen pulled her even closer so she could feel as much of her as possible. In this moment she was actually really proud of herself. She somehow managed to get a woman like that to accept her proposal. There was not really time to contemplate because she was distracted by Lana’s incredibly soft and warm lips and the way they tasted. 

Lana broke into a smile and stopped kissing her for a second. »We’re getting married«, she stated. 

Yeah, they did. Jen could not believe it either. »Yes, we are.«

 

****

 

It was two days before Christmas and Jen and Lana finally started decorating their Christmas tree. Some of the ornaments were already broken because Lola had ran around in the living room and had accidentally bumped into the tree. But neither Jen nor Lana could actually be mad at her when she was looking at them with puppy eyes knowing exactly that she had done something wrong. Right when they were about to finish, Jen’s phone rang.

»Yes?«, she answered and instantly froze when she heard who it was. This was super unexpected.

»Jennifer? Hello.«

»…Hey.« Jen did not even know what to say or what to talk about. It seemed like she had forgotten how to do smalltalk. She walked over to the kitchen.

»We got your invitation and we wanted to let you know that we’ll be able to make it. Your father and I.« Jen had sent them a Christmas card with an invitations for Christmas dinner because they had sent Lana’s mom one as well, but never in a million years had Jen thought that they would even open the envelope.

»You’re coming over for Christmas?« Jen tried not to sound too surprised or excited but she genuinely thought that her parents would never talk to her ever again. And that she would not see them again anytime soon. 

»It was not my idea.« Jen heard someone mumbling in the background. A male voice, but it was too far away to figure out who it was. »But yes, we’re coming over.«

»That’s, uh, great. Message me when you arrive so I can pick you up.« They had a guest room, and as long ad they were not using the other room they had two guest rooms, so her parents could easily stay with them as well.

»We’ll be staying at a hotel«, her mother said instantly.

»Oh okay. Uh, when are you coming over?« Lana had stopped decorating the tree and walked over to Jen instead. 

»We booked flights for the 26th.« Of course, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day apparently was for actual family, and Jen was not a part of that anymore. 

»So we can expect you for dinner?«

»Yes.« Usually her mom asked a million questions when she called her, but not this time. 

»Cool, uh, maybe we could go to the city the next day and-«

»We will fly back the next day. We… have to take care of the kids.«

»Okay. I’ll see you then?« Jen was not trying to push them. The fact that they considered coming over was more than she had expected.

»Yes. See you then.« That was by far the quickest phone call she ever had with her mother. No »drink enough water« or » make sure you don’t post too much on the internet«.

»What’s wrong?«, Lana asked obviously worried the minute Jen got off the phone.

»It’s my parents. They wanna come visit us for Christmas.« It was weird because she could not really picture them sitting at a table with her and Lana chatting about the weather. But she was definitely glad for the chance.

»That’s amazing!« 

Jen could tell that deep down Lana felt guilty that Jen’s parents were not talking to their daughter anymore and she really wanted them to get along again. »Yeah, but like… they haven’t talked to me in months.«

»Then that’s a huge step for them.«

»This has Daniel written all over it, though.« She was not sure if she should thank her brother or be mad at him.

»I’m sure he meant well. Maybe they want to apologize«, Lana said but sounded a little bit insecure.

»I have no idea actually.«

 

****

 

Jen and Lana had picked up Lana’s mom from the airport, and the first thing she wanted to see was the rings. Of course Lana had not been able to wait; she had called her the day after they had gotten engaged. She told Jen that she had made a pretty good choice and that the rings were really pretty. She even had brought them an engagement gift, and Jen was glad that they were home when she gave them, because it was not only one for Lana but also for her and she was so not expecting that so she tried very hard not to show how moved she was. It was pair of beautiful original vintage earrings, and Jen was glad Lana kept talking to her mother so she could take her time after a sincere »thank you«. Lana’s mom also invited them to Brooklyn, probably because she missed her daughter very much. Jen immediately felt bad because they were kind of lying to her. Lana had not told her about her disease, because she had said that she did not want her to worry on the other side of the country when there was nothing she could do. Also, Daniel had texted them, wishing Merry Christmas and telling them that he could not come over because he would be with his in-laws. He also admitted that he was the one to convince Jen’s parents to come over and start to make things up to her and Jen had decided to thank him instead of being angry at her brother.

 

For some reason Jen was convinced that everything would be just fine today, because once her parents had met Lana they would see that their relationship was not so different from a heterosexual one after all. Maybe it was because Lana and her had made a pretty good dinner, turkey of course, with a little help from Lana’s mom. Or maybe it was because they had told Lana’s mom about the situation with Jen’s parents, and she had promised to help wherever she could.

However, when the doorbell rang and Jen saw her parents for the first time after a year, she was awfully disappointed when they did not give her a hug immediately. Jen had to initiate it and eventually god hugged back as well. A little coldly, but still. 

»Glad you could make it. How was your flight?«, Jen asked and guided them into the living room. Her hands were a little sweaty but she was mostly happy because she was so sure that her parents would like Lana once they had met her. So she watched them closely when they saw her, trying to hide how proud she was. Jen failed and ended up smiling like an idiot the entire time.

»Hi, I’m Lana«, she said and greeted both of Jen’s parents with a handshake. They were probably too busy to notice the ring on her hand or on Jen’s. For now it was for the better.

»We know, we used to watch the show sometimes. So you live here with Jennifer?«, Jen’s mom asked before Lana got the chance to introduce her mother.

»Yes. Since… actually since about three weeks. We owned it for a little longer, it’s a long story«, Lana explained and gave a laugh.

»The house is smaller than your last one. Why did you move out again? You won’t find a house that easy again in such a busy city«, Jen’s mom stated and her dad was being quiet again. He was probably still super uncomfortable with this situation.

»Yes it is, but that’s good actually, I wasn’t really comfortable with that many rooms I wasn't using anyway. This house is really nice, it even has a swimming pool.« Jen walked over to the terrace door and showed them the garden. Her mother was eyeing everything really critically and suddenly Jen got an uneasy feeling in her gut. Her dad had not even looked at her.

»Who’s gonna take care of that when you are away?«, her mother asked without hiding how displeased she was about the circumstances.

For a second Jen hesitated, hoping that her answer would satisfy her mother. »We have a gardener.«

»Maybe we should eat before dinner’s getting cold«, Lana suggested as she had probably noticed that Jen was not really sure what to do. Both of them disappeared into the kitchen, giving Jen’s parents and Lana’s mom the chance to talk for a bit.

»They’re never gonna accept this«, Jen said, almost whispered, and leaned against the kitchen counter, obviously regretting inviting her parents. She knew exactly in what mood her mother was. It would be impossible to bring her around.

»Relax, it will be fine. And even if it won’t, we don’t need their approval.« Lana tried to sound comforting and somehow she was, but still, Jen hated herself for having hope in the first place.

»I know. I just wish they would leave. I don’t want them to be rude to you or anything.« Jen knew exactly what her mother was capable of if she did not like someone. She even managed to break up Daniel and his first girlfriend. Of course Jen would never let that happen with her and Lana, and it would not even work as her mother was not really a part of their life, but the thought of her trying was enough to make Jen sick to her stomach.

»Don’t worry, we shouldn’t underestimate my mother, she’s gonna ease the situation.« 

Jen let Lana stroke her arm for a while before she helped her carrying the food to the table. Apparently her’s and Lana’s mother had indeed a conversation, which was a good sign. Her mother stopped talking though when everyone sat down. At this point Jen was not really able to eat, so she just poked it with her fork, nervously eyeing Lana, who was trying to soothe Jen’s fears by smiling contently. 

»The turkey tastes good«, Jen’s dad finally said and broke the silence. Jen was surprised that he said anything at all.

»The girls made it almost all by themselves«, Lana’s mom replied and winked. »Our children will always remain our children, am I right?«

Jen’s mom took a deep breath. »I wish they would actually trust us that we know what’s best for them.« Of course that was a hint.

»I felt that way when my daughter wanted to become an actress and I kept telling her to stay in school, but when she graduated I said: Lana, this business is tough but if that’s what you wanna do, then do it.« For some reason that make Jen smile a bit. She liked that Lana had a supportive mother. 

»And I hated the last years in school, I have no idea how she managed to convince me not to drop out.« Lana had told her once that she was bullied in school, but education was important.

»But in the end you were glad you stayed in!!« Lana’s mom said, knowing that she was right.

»Yeah, yeah«, Lana said rolling her eyes without meaning it. Sometimes Jen wished she would have met her when she was a teenager, just to see what her life was like. 

»What did you say about Jen’s plans to become an actress?«, Lana’s mom asked, trying to get Jen’s mother to open up a bit.

»That was not our idea. We let her do some commercials for fun when she was a kid but we had no idea that it would turn into her career and change her so much.« In the beginning Jen’s parents were indeed proud, but as she got older they had wanted her to do something normal, so she could focus more on her private life.

»You must be really proud. She’s such a strong and talented woman.« Jen’s insecurities told her that Lana’s mom did not really mean that and was just saying that to change her parent’s minds, but still, she appreciated it.

»She really is. She had quite a difficult part to play last season, and she nailed it. I’ve never met an actor who puts that much effort into preparing for a role«, Lana said with a serious face.

Jen was blushing and she tried to hide her smirk with her hand, only to take Lana’s with her free hand, squeezing it gently. »Says the woman who has been playing two characters at once this season. You have to see this, she’s working really hard.« Even though Jen was talking to her parents and also to Lana’s mom, she kept locking eyes with Lana for a little while longer, until she reminded herself that they were not alone.

»Anyway, what’s new in Chicago?«, Jen asked both of her parents well aware that only her mom would answer.

»I’m sorry, I can’t do this. I think it’s time for us to go«, Jen’s mom said and made an effort to leave the table as soon as possible, without even finishing the turkey.

Instinctively Jen got up as well. »No, please wait! Is something wrong?«

»I just can’t watch my daughter… being like this. Doing things like these.« It was so weird for Jen that they obviously did not like Lana, that they were almost disgusted. Jen was hoping for them not to say anything rude to Lana because at that point she was actually expecting that.

»Like what? Holding the hand of the woman I love?«, Jen said and almost choked because she was so angry and disappointed.

»Oh please, Jennifer. This is just not _right_ and you know it.«

»Feels pretty right to me«, Jen said with a bleating voice.

»If you wanna live _this_ life, then please, neither your father nor I can stop you. But you can also come with us, anytime.« Jen wondered if that was supposed to be an offer they actually expected her to accept.

»I’m staying here, thank you.« 

»You choose a friend over your own family? What happened to my daughter?« She was trying to place the blame on Jen, of course.

»She’s not my friend, she’s my fiancée.« Immediately both of her parents glanced at her’s and Lana’s ring fingers. »I assume you don’t wanna hear the story.« Jen paused for a second to give her parents the chance to swallow the bomb she had dropped. »Listen, I’m really, really happy. Isn’t that all you’ve been worrying about for the past years? That I’m gonna end up alone? Because I’m not. I’m not alone. I found someone who I love and who loves me, why is that such a bad thing?« There must be a way to turn this around and to convince her parents. 

» _This_ is not love.« The way her mother said that hurt a lot, because she implied that their relationship was disgusting.

»Oh and you know that??« At this point Jen and her mom were standing and practically screaming at each other.

»Yes, I do! I am your mother, and believe it or not, I know what’s best for my child!«

»A mother would be happy for her daughter if she tells her that she’s gotten engaged. I’m gonna marry Lana and I’m gonna spend the rest of my life with her. And if you don’t accept that, then… well, then there’s not much I can do.« Jen was boiling with rage, not only because her mother reacted like that but also because she had been stupid enough to expect otherwise.

»We’re leaving«, her mom stated and stormed out the house, without even looking at the people she left behind. Jen had never seen her this upset about anything. She was shocked about her mother’s behaviour, and she did not even know if she should start crying or yelling again or whatever.

Her dad slowly put on his jacket, like he was debating whether or not to say something and it seemed to be a very hard decision. Jen’s head was pounding. She just wanted both of them out of her house already. He turned around again and nodded. »Good luck«, he said and looked at Lana. »Hope you treat my daughter well.«

That was unexpected. Lana slowly stood up as well. She was obviously just as surprised as Jen was. »I am, I think.«

»She’s treating me well«, Jen assured him, her voice had calmed down and she was slowly becoming herself again.

He nodded again without moving.

»I will always try my very best to make her happy.« Lana was so calm and Jen could tell that she wassuper careful with picking her words.

»Hmm.« He did not seem fully satisfied with this situation, but at least he was acknowledging their relationship and apparently he saw how serious Jen was.

»Dad-« She was not even sure what to say so she was glad he interrupted her.

»I can’t change your mother’s mind, but I wish you the very best. Both of you.« He seemed sincere and it made Jen feel at least a little bit better. Even though that sounded like a goodbye and not at all like he wanted to be a part of her life.

»Thanks, dad«, Jen said and watched him leave. 

As soon as the door closed Lana put her arms around Jen, pressing her warmly towards her, giving her a small massage to comfort her. In that moment Jen noticed how hurt she actually was and that the words had gotten to her more than they should have. She admitted to herself that she had expected more, that she had expected her mother to be surprised about how adorable Lana was and about how _normal_ they were. She had expected her mother to see how in love she was and she wanted her to just be happy for her and ask questions about their engagement and stuff. Maybe she had also expected her to be a little mad because Jen had not told her earlier. They stopped hugging when they heard sniffling from the dining table.

»Mom?«, Lana asked, giving her a tissue.

»I don’t understand how a mother can treat her own child like that.« Lana’s mom got up and hugged Jen as well. »With us you got yourself a second family. You’re always welcome.«

 

******

Lana’s surgery was scheduled one day before New Year’s Eve. Jen helped her pack a bag, and after that they went for a long walk with the dogs. They talked about everything but Lana’s cancer, even though this was all Jen could think of after Christmas. She could not wait for it to be gone, so they would finally be free from the last thing that was stopping them from enjoying their time together. What Jen did not want to admit was that she was literally panicking on the inside. She would never show, but the fact that Lana would be asleep in a few hours and people would be cutting her open was freaking her out. But she knew it was necessary.

Lana seemed pretty calm when they arrived at the hospital for medical consultation and a quick check-up. She then was asked to put on the patient gown and lay down in one of the hospital beds to wait for the doctor. That was when she turned unusually quiet, and whenever Jen touched her hand she could feel how cold her skin was. Jen was trying her best to cheer her up and complimented her on how even the patient gown looked good on her. Lana never gave her more than a half smile and she turned paler every minute.

»Everything is going to be fine«, Jen said and sat down on the edge of the bed to hold her fiancée’s hand. She was allowing herself to have positive thoughts only. There was enough time to freak out once surgery had started, but she would never do that in front of Lana to freak her out even more. 

Lana nodded. »I know.«

Jen smiled and caressed her cheek. She swallowed that one scary thought that had been haunting her the whole day today. The thought of this whole thing going horribly wrong and this being the last time she could touch Lana like that.

»When we talked to the doctor he said I could sign a DNR. I was thinking about doing that.«

»W-Why?« Oh no.

»I don’t wanna end up not being able to take care of myself and being a burden to the people around me.«

»Lana… please… it won’t come to that. And you would never be a… burden to me.«

»I don’t know…«

»I don’t even want you to think that for one second. I-I mean it’s your decision and I won’t… like, I’m not gonna tell you not to do it but… please don’t do it. I mean, it won’t come to that anyways but if it came to that it could save your life and I could never live with the thought that they haven’t done everything they could to save you.« Jen had to stop talking and pressed her lips together instead in order not to break the rule she had made for herself that included not to cry in front of Lana because of her cancer, ever. She was supposed to lift her up and make her feel better, not to drag her down.

»Okay.« Simple as that. Jen was well aware that Lana did not sign the DNR because of her, but she could not feel bad about it. She needed to know that if it came to that, the doctors would do everything to bring her back to life. God, Jen had never been this close to crying and she swallowed hard to stop herself from doing so. 

When Jen released her hand and stood up so the nurses could start with preparation, Lana quickly grabbed it again. »I’m scared«, she said and there was no need for her to say that because Jen could tell just by looking into her eyes.

»What are you scared of, Sunshine?«, she asked and intertwined their fingers, smiling as comforting as she could. She kneeled down a bit so she was at eye level with Lana, who way lying in this bed all alone and vulnerable.

»That I won’t wake up«, she said with a shaky voice and squeezed Jen’s hand even tighter.

»You’re going to wake up, they have done this a million times. Just think about our vacation and before you know it you’ll see my stupid face again«, Jen said and brushed her fingers through Lana’s hair, before touching her lips with her’s for a brief moment.

Lana chuckled. »Your face is anything but stupid.«

Jen was pleased with herself because she made Lana smile. This was what she wanted to achieve. »I love you and I will stay here the whole time. I won’t leave.«

»I love you too. See you later.«

»See you later, Baby«, Jen said and kissed her forehead. She stayed by her side when they were moving her into the OR, only letting go of Lana’s hand when she had to, because they entered an area Jen had no access to. It was hard and difficult but she knew that the sooner she would let her go, the sooner she could hold her in her arms again.

 

Now the worst hours of Jen’s life were about to start. She was desperately trying to think of a time where she felt more anxious, but she could not think of one. It was weird because she was in public, but she straight up started tearing up when she saw Bex in the hallway, who had promised to step by the minute she finished the meeting she had to attend. By doing so she scared Bex to death for a second because she thought something had gone wrong, but she started comforting Jen the minute she explained to her that they had just started surgery. It was just so fucking hard to leave her with these surgeons because there was literally nothing she could do to help. Whenever the OR doors opened Jen had a heart attack and immediately expected them to tell her that there were complications or something, but most of the time it was a nurse and whenever Jen asked if there was something knew they said that they were still operating. At some point Jen went go get coffee because it was pretty late and she was about to fall asleep.

»I went with her, you know. When they called her in to talk to her about the results they said she shouldn’t come alone. And do you know what the first thing was she said to me after we left the doctor’s office?«, Bex asked after taking one of the coffees Jen brought.

»What was it?« The coffee tasted really bad, but it was good enough to keep her awake so Jen drank all of it in one go.

Bex smiled weakly and shook her head. »She said: I’m gonna have to break up with Jen.«

Jen tried not to imagine Lana’s face when she said that, or how she must have felt in that moment the doctor had told her the news. »Why did she wanna break up with me?«

»Because she did not want to put you through this. She was afraid that this might be too much for you.« Bex had emptied the small cup of coffee as well. She probably needed it as well.

It was hard for her to imagine that the first thing Lana thought of was her. »She will never be too much for me.«

»Yeah, you’re holding up pretty well«, Bex said squeezing Jen’s upper arm.

Apparently everyone thought Jen would run away when things would get tough, but that was not the kind of person she was. »I’m trying.«

Bex waited a little with her response. »Have you guys ever talked about the risks?«

»There’s no need to. She’s going to be fine.« Jen had successfully repressed this subject and she was not starting to think about that now that Lana was almost cured.

»Yeah, but-«

»There’s no other option.« Period. Only one possible outcome. Lana being alive and healthy and in her arms again.

Jen saw from the corner of her eyes that Bex nodded. »Congratulations on your engagement, by the way.«

»Thanks.« Jen smiled and toyed with the ring on her finger, still shocked by the fact that Lana had said yes, that she had agreed on getting married to her. »I hope I can be the wife she deserves.«

»Of course you will be. You make her so happy, and you make her feel so loved, what else could she possibly want?«

For some reason it was important to her what Bex thought of her, because she knew her backstory. Bex knew about the relationship between Lana and Fred and that was why it was a good sign that she thought Jen would be a good wife for her. »I don’t know.«

»You know what you can do? You could do something for yourself.«

»What do you mean?«

»Your career. Is there something you wanna do after Once?« None of them had an idea if the show would continue or end forever in April.

»I wanna focus on directing and also thought of maybe doing a little theatre. Not sure yet. What about you? Are you staying for another season in case there is one?« Jen sure as hell would not. This chapter was over, for good.

»Actually, no, they don’t want me there.«

That was actually kind of sad. Bex was one of the only ones who still enjoyed her time on set and on the show. »Oh. I’m sorry.« Jen did not really know how to comfort her because in her opinion Bex should be glad to be out of there. She deserved better.

»That’s okay, I’ll find something else.«

»I’m sure you will.« Bex was talented. She would find something.

Time just would not pass. Jen felt like she was waiting there for hours, and at some point she even fell asleep for a few seconds only to wake up in panic that she had missed something important. Bex went for a short walk, but Jen had promised herself not to leave this hospital without Lana. She read a few pages of the book she had been ignoring the whole time, but she could not really concentrate on anything. And walking around in the hallways was not an option as well, because she did not want to accidentally see someone die. Bex came back with a bag of Doritos that they shared while chatting. Suddenly two of the doctors came out of the OR room, Jen and Bex instinctively got up, holding their breaths.

»Are you waiting for Mrs. Parrilla?«, the doctor asked. He seemed exhausted.

»Yes«, they both said simultaneously. Jen was glad they had seen her with her before because otherwise they probably would not tell her anything at all. On the papers Jen was no one to Lana.

»We moved her into the recovery room and she should be waking up soon. The surgery was successful, there were no complications.«

»Oh god thank god«, Jen exhaled, »You got the tumor?«

»We got the whole thing. There are chances that it will come back so she has to do a regular check-ups but for now she’s cancer free«, the doctor said and nodded.

»Thank you, Thank you _so_ much.« Jen had to stop herself from hugging him or Bex or anyone, really. This was everything she had wanted to hear.

»You can go in there if you want«, the doctor suggested and Jen stormed in there before he could even finish his sentence.

 

Lana looked so peaceful, not at all like her body went through a tremendous trauma for the past hours. Her eyelids were a little darker than normal, but her breathing was steady and Jen felt the need to lean down to listen to the beat of her heart. It was beating. She was alive. The thing that had scared her the most was suddenly out of the way, they had made it. Jen sat down on the chair next to the bed, placed Lana’s hand on her lips and closed her eyes. She used to be a religious person, and even if she was not sure if god existed anymore, in that moment she took her time to thank whatever or whoever made Lana survive this surgery and helped the doctors to get the cancer out of her lungs. Suddenly the fingers began to move and she heard a little grunt.

»Hey, Baby«, Jen whispered, giving Lana a chance to adjust. She had been asleep for hours.

Lana squeezed Jen’s hand as she was slowly opening her eyes, blinking a few times before recognizing where she was. 

»Everything went well. They got the tumor«, Jen explained, still speaking super quietly and trying not to overwhelm her with news. She could not hide her smile and one or two tears of relieve, though. And she also could not stop herself from caressing Lana’s cheek.

»They… got… it?«, Lana asked slowly and with a raspy voice. She was not even fully awake yet and probably still high on meds.

»Yes, Baby.« Jen kissed the back of her hand again and stayed there for a little while because she did not want Lana to see how much this got to her and how she could not keep her emotions at bay right now. The tears kept rolling down her cheeks. God, she was so relieved, she felt a million pounds lighter.

»I… dreamt of our… vacation«, Lana said and a smile tucked on the corner of her mouth. »At …least I think so.«

Jen chuckled. »Tell me.« She wanted to hear her talk as evidence of her being alive and well and with her.

»I can’t really… remember but there was the beach and we were just sitting there… watching the sunset and you… were sunburned.« Lana swallowed, probably because her mouth was super dry. 

»That sounds like me.« Really, though. Jen was so pale she got sunburned very easily. 

»I’ll have to watch… out for you when we’re there.«

»You better.« There was no doubt that she would.


	27. March 2017

They did not leave for vacation right away. Partly because of Lana’s check-ups, partly because the crazy busy filming schedule. And also because it was not really that hot in France that time of the year, so they focused on working and on Lana’s recovery. At first Jen made sure Lana got enough rest and when she was back on track Jen went boxing with her twice a week to help rebuilding her immune system. She also went with her to every check-up, and whenever the doctors said that everything was fine it was music to her ears. They declared her healthy. They declared her cancer free for now. The longer she would live without the cancer recurring, the higher were the chances that the cancer would not return at all. 

Jen also hated every second Lana was overworking herself for the show. She even worked on the weekends, and Jen could see how much energy that costed her. And there were these conventions. Lana was planning on doing a lot of them over the next months, not only in the US but also in Canada and Europe. Jen would have liked for Lana to stay at home and focus on her health for a little while longer instead, but there was no way she could have talked her out of it. Meeting the fans was something Lana had always enjoyed, even though not all of them were angels. There had been some crazy and not so fun encounters as well, but for Lana the good outweighed the bad.

There was a light at the end of the tunnel, though. Next week they would film the very last scene, and then the season would end. As well as their contracts. There were rumours that ABC would pick it up for another season, but Jen had already told them that she would not sign, under no circumstances. She had told them that she would come back for one episode only, and that was it.Instead, she would finally go back into theatre as she was offered a role in a play. Jen could see that Lana was struggling with all this, though. Lana loved the show and her character, and because of her illness she had not really had time to audition for other things. Lana wanted to leave, she wanted to face new projects just like Jen, but she also wanted a proper ending for her character’s storyline. When Lana told them she would not sign because she did not want them to have a say when it came to her private life anymore, they offered her a new contract with new, better conditions. She would have more free time, would be allowed to see whoever she wanted to see, and they offered her more money. Jen smiled when Lana told her about it, because that meant that they had finally realised that Lana deserved better and that they needed her. Lana signed for a possible next season.

The convention in Vancouver was not the problem. Jen would be with her, even though they were attending on different days. She would stay a day longer. It was the European ones that made Jen feel sick to her stomach. It was quite far away and would take her some time to get there if something happened. Thankfully Lana surprised her mom and offered her to go with her on vacation to Italy, which she accepted of course. She still had no idea that Lana had suffered from cancer a few months ago. Jen was not fully satisfied because she would still be miles away from her for several weeks, but that was a start. Lana’s mom would take good care of her.

Since Jen knew it was going to be one of her last conventions she almost enjoyed it. The fans were especially nice to her and she liked that she had time to chat with Colin as they were paired up for basically everything. They had a similar approach when it came to fan interaction and it gave her confidence.

When she went to the lunch room she discovered something, or rather someone, that made her day even better. She was standing there with two cups of Starbucks coffee in her hands, that she put on the table the minute she saw Jen. »Hey Sunshine, what are you doing here? Thought your day’s tomorrow«, Jen said and greeted her fiancée with a peck on the mouth. Normally Lana’s manger would come a day early to check out the venue, but never Lana herself.

Lana kept her close by letting her hands rest on Jen’s waist. »Yeah, I missed you.«

That was not good. Something was wrong, she knew. Or maybe she was just a little too traumatized by previous events. »What’s going on? Did something happen?«

»No, just the usual. I brought you your aspirin because of your headaches this morning«, Lana said and started playing with Jen’s hair that was tied up in a ponytail.

»Thanks. Colin gave me some earlier.« Migraines on convention days would be more than unpleasant as Jen had to keep smiling and be friendly practically the whole day.

»How was the panel?« She was giving her that smile again.

The weird feeling in Jen’s stomach would not go away. She could not even enjoy being with her right now. »Uh, pretty good. Still not a fan of those but we managed it somehow.«

»I know. I’m proud of you for doing it anyways.« Lana had now moved on to trailing her fingers up and down Jen’s back while still holding her.

»Lana, are you sure there’s nothing else going on?« There were a million scenarios running through her brain and she hoped for none of them to be true.

»No, really. I just wanted to see you before you’re off to New York and I’m off to Europe.« Lana’s face turned sincere, and instead of looking Jen in the eyes she was avoiding them as if she was ashamed of what she had said.

»Are you concerned?« Jen definitely was. It killed her, but Lana wanted to do these conventions so bad and Jen was not going to stop her from doing what she loved. She would find a way to cope with being away from her again, she always did.

»No. It’s been a while since we’ve been apart for this long. Feels weird to think about it.« There was this vein on her forehead that was showing again. 

A part of Jen was glad that Lana felt the same, but the other part of her was sad because she did not want to be the reason for Lana not enjoying time with her mom. »I could still come with you to Europe. I wouldn’t mind at all, really. It could be a fun trip.«

Lana shook her head. »I don’t want you to come to Europe with me, you’re gonna be amazing in that play and you have to go to the rehearsals.«

»I don’t care about that play.« It was nice to do something other than TV and she found the character she had to play very interesting, but traveling with Lana would be even nicer.

»Yes you do.«

She should care more about it, probably. »I mean, a bit maybe, but I will always care about you the most. Obviously. There’ll be other plays I could audition for next year. I don’t wanna be separated from you either I just agreed because I thought you wanted it.«

Lana shook her head. »I want you to do this. But what would you say if I came with you to New York? After Europe.«

»Really??« Jen liked the thought of Lana seeing her on stage, even though she probably would be even more nervous before the show, but that was worth it.

»Yes, we could stay at my mom’s.« Lana smiled insecurely.

»Yes, yes yes. God, yes. Unless you have plans elsewhere?« Having Lana close and actually having a job she enjoyed sounded a bit too good to be true. 

She giggled. »New York is the better place for me to be in May anyways.«

»Oh right, ABC Upfronts.« Chances were pretty high that the show was going to be renewed, and of course Lana had to be there if that was the case. 

The brunette paused for a second, as if she was thinking about something but was not sure if she really wanted to voice that. »Do you wanna come with me? Like, be my date for the event?«

»You mean…« If she was implying what Jen thought she was implying, this would be hilarious. And also freeing. 

»Only if you’re comfortable with it.«

»Of course I am, I’ve been waiting for this since forever. But I don’t want them to treat you bad because of that.« She did not want Lana to have to suffer on set because of her. And they would totally do that even though they did not really have a say in what Lana did with her life anymore. 

»They won’t. They can’t, actually. They need me«, Lana said and proudly rose her nose. 

Jen laughed a little and placed a finger on her chin. She had a point there. Without Lana they could cancel the show before it even got renewed. »Okay so it’s settled then, we’re going public at an official ABC event.«

»I can’t wait to see the looks on their faces when we’re walking on the red carpet, hand in hand«, Lana said and came super, super close so their nose tips were almost touching. Her eyes were shining and Jen was living for it.

»I can’t wait for everyone to know that you’re my fiancée.« Even though she kind of got used to Fred and Lana being close in public because, well, they were a married couple, she still avoided looking at pictures from when they had been at an event together. It was not that easy for Jen.

Right when Jen wanted to kiss her, someone called her name. »Oh, I gotta go, I have a Meet & Greet now. Dinner tonight? I have a surprise for you.«

»When will you ever stop spoiling me«, Lana said not wanting to let go of Jen.

»Never.«

 

It was not an actual present or something, because the thing Jen brought her was something Lana had already owned at some point. Jen placed that little basket on the ground, and Lana was thrilled when she saw what jumped out of it. It was her cat Lenny, the one she had to give away because Fred was allergic to cats. Her friends took care of him, but he had always belonged to her. »My handsome old boy«, she said, as she was cuddling the ball of fur. She had talked about the cat a lot and even visited him in the past. Jen assured her that her friends were okay with her taking Lenny again. 

When Lana left for convention day early in the morning, Jen did not even want to let her go because she looked really adorable in her dress of choice and she just wanted to carry her back to bed and snuggle with her. Amongst other things. And that was exactly what she did when Lana came home late at night, they were staying at Lana’s old apartment for convention weekend, chuckling when Jen literally picked her up and sat her on top of the kitchen counter. She placed a few kisses on Lana’s neck while removing the jacket before unzipping the dress without any patience. Lana put her legs around Jen’s body, pulling her closer. She removed the dress as far as possible. »Beautiful«, Jen breathed against the woman’s bare chest. She could not say more because she was pulled into a deep and passionate kiss. Jen put one arm around Lana’s waist, lifting her up just enough to remove the dress completely. Lana’s hands were tugging at the hem of the blonde’s shirt until she eventually succeeded and undressed her as well. Jen grabbed her hand and walked over to the bedroom, where she suddenly found herself lying on her back on top of the sheets, hands pinned above her head. Lana held her hands in place, smirking and biting her lip. Jen swallowed and tried very hard not to free her hands so she could finally remove Lana’s bra that she was still wearing. Almost as if the brunette could read her mind, she sat back and implied that Jen should leave her hands right where they were. In one smooth movement the bra was gone, and the view would never fail to take Jen’s breath away.

 

For some reason Jen woke up in the middle of the night. When she looked at her phone and saw that it was 3am, she grunted sleepily and turned around again, so she could put at arm around the woman next to her while catching another few hours of sleep. She was surprised when she found nothing but a blanket with no person underneath. Her hands searched for the light switch and turned on the light on her nightstand. She kept sitting on the bed for a few seconds and rubbed her eyes waiting for Lana to come back to bed. She was probably peeing or something. But when she kept hearing nothing but silence she decided to get up as she was too alarmed to go back to sleep all alone. The lights in the kitchen were on, but there was no one there. Jen took a few steps before she felt wetness underneath her feet. There was liquid on the floor coming from the other side of the kitchen counter. When Jen looked for the source she experienced the worst shock of her life. Lana was lying on the ground, shards of broken glass all around her. That was probably the reason why Jen had woken up in the first place. It was like the blood had frozen in her veins but she managed tosomehow keep going and kneeled down to turn the lifeless body around so she could check if Lana was still breathing. She was, and she also had a pulse. 

»Lana? Wake up, wake up, please!«, Jen screamed and shook her a little in an attempt to wake her up. Twenty seconds. She gave herself twenty seconds. If Lana did not wake up in twenty seconds Jen would call an ambulance. She started counting in her head, repeatedly patting Lana’s cheek without hurting her to make her open her eyes. »Lana?«, she said again, but she was not screaming anymore. Her voice got breathy, because she was about to cry. 

Finally, after eighteen seconds, Lana opened her eyes and started to make noises. Jen helped her to sit up and made sure she would not get hurt by the shards. »How long was I out?«, she asked slowly regaining full consciousness. 

»I’m not sure, a few minutes maybe«, Jen could not hide the panic in her voice. She hated when her voice failed her like that. She also hated herself for not checking up on her the whole day. 

»I’m fine, Jen, stop looking at me like that«, Lana said and she sounded serious. Angry even.

»Sorry.« Jen was just scared to death a few minutes ago, no big deal. »We’re going to the doctor when we come home tonight, okay?«, she said calmly.

»I’m not going to see a doctor. I’m just exhausted, that’s all«, Lana said and rubbed her temple.

»Please, just to make sure everything’s alright.« It could be something minor, some late side effects or something.

»No. This is my decision, not your’s«, Lana said and withdrew her arm Jen was still holding onto. 

Jen pressed her lips together because that hurt a lot and she turned around to start collecting the shards and throwing them into the trash can. When she was standing in front of the sink because she wanted to clean the floor, she let a few tears silently run down her cheek, drying them before Lana could see it. 

It did not take long until she felt soft lips kissing her shoulder, and a hand squeezing her upper arm. »I’m sorry«, Lana whispered. »For everything.«

»It’s okay.« For Lana this situation must have been even scarier than for Jen, so she understood. She got that Lana must be super angry at the world.

»No, it’s not. You were always here for me, you took care of me, you never left my side even when things got ugly. You’re the best wife-to-be I could ask for and I should not have snapped at you like that. And I’ll go to the doctor when we’re back«, Lana assured her and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.

»I’m coming with you«, Jen said and felt immediately better. She would not have had one second in peace if Lana had gone through with this no doctor thing. »It’s probably nothing, but just to make sure.«

»What if it’s back? The cancer«, she said, and there was this crease between her eyebrows.

»Then we’ll fight it again, of course.«

 

******

 

It was weird when they drove to the clinic for Lana to get her check-up, because they both probably knew what would happen. Jen hoped so, so much that it would just be late side effects to the chemo, but there was this voice in her head that told her otherwise and she was so scared for that to be confirmed. The nurses drew some blood and also did an X-Ray of Lana’s lungs. Not only of Lana’s lungs, in fact. They also did a head CT and Jen was not allowed in the room, but she watched her from the other room through a big window. She saw how scared she was, not of the procedure but of the result. Jen was biting her thumb nail until they were done and Lana came out again. The nurse informed them that the doctor wanted to talk to them and that Lana should not come alone. That was when Jen knew for sure.

However, she tried to stay positive and distracted Lana when they were walking to the office. The doctor looked friendly, pitying even. Jen knew him because he had been Lana’s doctor before as well. As soon as they sat down Jen took Lana’s hand and smiled at her, showing her that she would never leave her no matter what happened.

»So, how are you feeling?«, the doctor asked Lana and Jen found that weird because she should know how she was feeling. He basically had the results in his hands.

»I’m feeling well. Apart from the fainting.« It was hard for Jen to tell how Lana was doing. She knew she was scared during the procedures, but she seemed a lot calmer now. The crease between her eyebrows was visible though, she she was definitely tense.

»That’s what I like to hear. The blood results were a little concerning and the X-Ray showed a small tumor in your left lung, but it’s nothing we can’t get under control with chemotherapy. We won’t need surgery this time. The good thing is that we caught it early again, so you should be just fine after a few cycles«, he said and checked the file in his hands one more time before nodding contentedly. 

»Is this going to work? The chemo?«, Jen asked because the doctor sounded confident and she wanted Lana to hear that everything would be okay from someone who actually knew what he was doing.

»It worked the last time so we assume it will also work this time as well.« Apparently he was waiting for Lana to say something or to ask a question, but she was still just sitting in her chair processing.

»Why did you order a head CT then, if the cancer is in her lungs?« Jen could not shake the feeling that there was something he was not telling them, because what he was saying sounded too positive for bad news.

»We wanted to make sure that the cancer hadn’t spread. It was all clear.« He held the CT up in the air to show them the scans. He then turned to Lana, still waiting for her to say something, but she did not.

»Is she going to be cured then?« There had to be something he could say to make Lana feel better and to make her understand that this was not the end of the world, that she could fight it again. Jen made a mental note to walk the dogs alone today so she had some time to cry in peace. She needed that because yes, she was mad and sad that Lana had to go through that again because she did not, really not deserve it. And she had no idea how she managed to stay positive when the doctor literally told them that Lana’s cancer was back. 

»We can never say that for sure, but it looks good. She’s a strong and, besides the cancer, a very healthy woman.« He took a look at the blood results again. 

Jen turned to her fiancée and took the other hand as well. »See? It’s all going to be okay. We can do this.« She looked her in the eyes and her heart starting racing when she saw that Lana’s eyes were watery. Lana crying would break her, there was no doubt.

But thankfully the woman took a deep breath and nodded. »Is Jeff still receiving treatment? Can you schedule my sessions so I can see him?«, Lana asked. That was probably a good idea.

Suddenly the doctor did not seem that positive anymore. Jen expected the worst. »Jeff Davis? No, he’s no longer receiving treatment. He passed away last month, I’m sorry.«

Shit. He was doing so well, he was _working_ during his sessions. He seemed almost healthy.

»W-Why?« Lana’s voice was shaking and Jen held her hand even tighter. 

»He got an infection and along with Leukemia in his condition this was life threatening. I’m really sorry.«

»Was he suffering?«

»No, he was here when it happened. We gave him enough pain medication so he did not feel anything, and his family was with him the whole time.«

Jen tried desperately to fight the images in her head, the images of Lana lying in a hospital bed taking her final breaths. »Don’t worry this is not gonna happen to you. It’s not gonna happen to her, is it?«

»It’s very unlikely in her state. We have to wait and see how she responds to the treatment and if the tumor shrinks there’s no need to worry. The first two sessions are crucial, after that I’ll be able to make a prognosis.« The doctor wrote some prescriptions for medication that was supposed to help Lana before and during chemo and Jen paid attention so she would not miss a thing. 

 

They got this. They already had been through this, and they would manage to do that again. Lana was quiet the entire ride home. She was just staring out the window, Jen stroking her thighs in attempt to comfort her and to give her some reassurance that she was not alone. 

»We should break up«, Lana said, her temple resting against the car window. The sun was already about to set.

At least she spoke again. This day must have been so difficult for her. »That’s stupid and you know that.«

»You didn’t sign up for this, Jen.« 

She was serious. Not this again. It took some time until Jen figured that there was again nothing she could say or do to convince her that this was the stupidest idea ever. »I signed up for you. All of you.«

Lana shook her head. »I don’t want this for you.«

In one movement Jen stopped the car on the side of the road and got out. She slammed the door shut, and walked a few steps while rubbing her temples. There was no way she could deal with that right now. Why the hell was his woman so incredibly stubborn? They had already broken up and failed miserably at that.

»Can you… come back into the car? Let’s talk at home«, Lana almost shouted because the cars were rushing past them and otherwise Jen would not have heard a word she was saying. 

»Home? Who’s is it, your’s or mine? Do you wanna move out or should I move out?« Jen screamed back and she was not only screaming because of the car but also because she was extremely mad.

Lana did not seem to know what to say and just struggled with keeping the hair out of her face. Because of the cars it was quite windy and the side of the road was also probably not the best place to have a discussion.

»Of course I would prefer you being healthy and happily married to someone else than watching you suffer right in front of my eyes but do you know what I want even less?? You suffering without me by your side. I know I can’t do much, believe me, if there was anything I could do, I would. But at least I can be with you, I can take care of you and show you that I love you every minute of every day. And we will be happy. One day we will be happy. I will never stop believing in that!« Now Jen was even angrier, at herself because she felt the wetness in her face. She was screaming so loudly that her throat started to hurt.

Lana seemed to be frozen on the spot, her lips parted as if she was about to say something but could not find the words. »I feel like I’m ruining your life!«, she shouted back, but her voice broke because she was now crying as well.

It softened Jen, obviously. She took a few steps forward. »Jesus Christ you are not ruining my life, you _are_ my life«, she said, cupping Lana’s face. 

»You have no idea how bad I felt every time you spent the night with me in the bathroom making sure I’m not choking on my own puke instead of getting enough sleep. Or when you spend hours in the hospital with me instead of going out and having fun. Or how you didn’t accept the offer that was directing your own show for Netflix in Canada this fall because you rather wanted to be with me in LA. Yes, I know about that. You don’t deserve to live like that.«

»That makes two of us.« Jen whispered. She had no intention of telling anyone about the Netflix thing, ever, because no one would have understood her priorities anyway. Jen did not let go of Lana’s face and placed a kiss on her lips instead. Lana kissed back. »I asked you to marry me and I knew you were sick. Because I want you no matter what, and I want you more than anyone or anything else. When will you finally believe me?«

»I do believe you, but I think your life would be so much easier without me. Loving me has never been easy for you. Not for one second.«

»I don’t want easy, please stop feeling guilty. And if it makes you feel any better, I rejected the offer from Netflix mainly not because of you, but because I really don’t wanna work on TV shows for a while. I’ll see what comes after the play.« That was the truth. Even without Lana Jen would not have accepted the offer. »I promise you that you’re not ruining my life in any way. Really. Please trust me.«

This time it was Lana that brushed her lips against Jen’s and did not even want to let go anymore. She held onto Jen’s arms for her dear life. »Can we go home now?«

»Your’s or mine?« That was supposed to be a little provoking.

Lana grinned. »Ours, of course.«

 


	28. May 2017

They waited with chemo until Lana and her mom came back from Europe. This time, chemotherapy was getting more to her than it should have. It was a new environment, a clinic in NYC, and more sessions. This time they asked for a private room. Lana had more bad days than last time, and she needed to rest several days after a session to be back on her feet. Suddenly she was starting to lose weight. Lots of weight. Jen tried everything to get Lana to eat. She was cooking for her every day, but she never ate more than a meal a day, sometimes only a few bites. Sometimes even less. Not even her mother’s food was helping. Lana had told her about the cancer, which was good considering that they would be staying with Lana’s family for the time Jen was taking part in this play called The End of Longing. Jen had offered to rent an apartment nearby so Lana’s family could spend time with Lana without having to deal with Jen, but Lana’s mom had insisted on her staying with them. Not that she had not been absolutely lovely to her, but her generosity still surprised her a bit. »Make yourself at home«, she had said. What surprised Jen even more was that even Deena seemed to be okay with Jen staying there. When she had heard that her sister had cancer she had decided to stay at her mom’s as often as possible to be here for her. Jen would have lied if she had said that she was not at least a little bit scared of her, but when they all had dinner together Deena did not leave one single rude comment on their relationship or on Jen. Instead, she asked her about the play and how the rehearsals were going. Weird, but in a good way.

Maybe it was the rush of adrenaline she had felt throughout the day because she had spent the whole day at the theatre, or the fact that it was her first night in Brooklyn in quite a while, but there was no way that Jen could have fallen asleep that day. Lana was already knocked out, she received treatment yesterday so this was not a surprise. It was past midnight and the house was super quiet. The only noises came from outside. Jen figured that everyone besides her must be asleep. She tip-toed downstairs to grab something to drink, trying to make as little noise as possible. As she was making her way towards the kitchen to pour a glass of water, she noticed that the window was open and someone was sitting outside on the balcony. She walked outside the door to get a closer look and figured that it was Deena, drinking wine and being wrapped up in a blanket. A cigarette was resting in her hand.

»Everything okay?«, Jen asked knowing that nothing was okay. She did not know Lana’s family for that long but she could already tell that the news about Lana’s cancer had changed everyone. Jen had never seen Deena smoke. Lana had told her they had quit together a long time ago because of the kids.

»Oh hey Jen, come sit down with me«, Deena said friendly and pointed to the chair standing next to her. Jen got highly suspicious. A few months ago Deena would not even look at her and now she was living with her and suddenly was invited to a late night chat. Also, Deena was rather nice to her at dinner. She decided to go with it and sat down. It was so cold that Jen could see her breath, so she grabbed the second blanket and wrapped it around her body. They sat there in silence; it was only disturbed by Jen’s swallowing after gulping down her water. 

»I’m sorry«, Deena said and Jen could tell by her voice that she must have cried not so long ago.

»What are you sorry for?«

»For being such a bitch to you back then. It was a mistake.« Something in her voice told Jen that she was sincere and really regretted the way she had behaved.

Jen did not know what to say. Of course it was a mistake but she felt bad for making Deena feel bad about it. The situation was hard enough, for everyone.

»She’s my little sister, I would do everything to keep her safe. You know what had always been her biggest and only dream since she was five years old?« Her voice got a little lighter.

»Uhm, I don’t know, getting married to a man?« 

»No, becoming an actress«, Deena chuckled, »Our aunt and Lana went to see a play on Broadway and she was way too young to fully understand it. I don’t even know why she took Lana with her but since then all she ever wanted was to play different characters and put on costumes. Our aunt is an actress as well so she quickly became her role model, for whatever reason. At first it was theatre but after she went to middle school she wanted to become an actress on TV so bad. I’ve never seen someone work that hard for their dreams like she did, you know?« She took a pull on her cigarette and immediately took a sip of her wine glass afterwards, like she wanted to wash down the taste of smoke and nicotine.

»Yeah, that seems a lot like her.« Jen was not sure what this had to do with her but it was nice hearing about Lana’s childhood. Every story about Lana would catch Jen’s attention even if it was just about her first bite into a burger.

»When she told me about you I got worried. Unlike her I know what it said in her contract about dating co-stars and I didn’t want her career to be ruined just because…« Apparently the words got stuck in her throat.

»Because of me.« And there it was again, the feeling of guilt she had not felt in a long time.

»Just because she felt the need to hook up with a woman. I didn’t know she was, like, _really_ in love with you.« Deena took another sip of her wine and avoided eye contact at all costs. Jen could tell that she had a hard time saying nice things and admitting she might have been wrong about their relationship.

Jen blushed. Even though she knew about Lana’s feelings for her it was different to hear it from somebody else. To know that Lana talked about her. It was like an approval that this was not just in Jen’s mind, that it was real. Yes she was still surprised about that and she would be surprised about that for the rest of her life. »It was never my intention to ruin her career or anything. I wouldn’t want her to give that up just for me. I mean, I knew the risk. It was about my career, too.«

»That’s the thing, honey. She has her career; she is a successful actress. But, I don’t know, you gave her something that made her even more happy. It’s like you are the missing piece to her puzzle of life or something, I don’t know. I’m just glad she has you. You’re a good person.«

To hear these words from a person so close to Lana gave Jen chills all over her body. It remembered her of what Lana was to her. Exactly that. The piece that had been missing for all her life. She was searching for her without even knowing what she was searching for. And she had no idea what she would do if that piece went missing again. »I’m glad to have her in my life as well.«

Deena smiled and offered her some of her wine. Jen accepted. 

»Did she ever tell you about how, when she first moved to Burbank, she called me almost everyday complaining about how no one liked her?« Lana’s sister chuckled like she was remembering it far too well.

»No, why didn’t they like her?« It was hard for her to imagine a people person like Lana without friends.

»Well, she was from Brooklyn. Too tough for the California girls. But somehow she adjusted and came back as a hippie. Mom almost had a heart attack.« 

Jen could not help but laugh at the thought of younger Lana with messy hair and freaky sunglasses singing along to Bob Dylan. »She told me she was a fan of the Grateful Dead.«

»Oh god don’t even let me get started on that. My sister was a total Dead Head. She once dragged me to a concert. I think my ears died that night.« Deena stubbed out her cigarette and lowered her voice. »I would do everything to go to a concert with her again.«

 

Later that night Jen crept back in bed with Lana, spooning her and placing a soft kiss on her cheek after brushing some hair out of her face. She could actually feel that Lana had lost weight. Maybe it was just her anxiety talking but she felt even skinnier than yesterday before treatment. No wonders, the little bowl of oat meal Lana’s mom had forced her to eat before chemo had come right out again once they had started. Despite the fluffy blanket, her body was ice cold. She was even shivering a bit, so Jen pressed her body against her’s and tucked them both in.

»Where have you been?«, Lana asked sleepily with her eyes still closed and a little smile on her face because of the kiss.

Jen did not mean to wake her up. »I was thirsty.« She snuggled up to Lana even closer to warm her up and placed another kiss on her neck before closing her eyes as well. »Maybe your sister doesn’t hate me after all.«

»Told ya. I’m glad you two got along at dinner tonight«, she said in a husky tone, barely able to be heard.

»Yeah she was kinda nice.« A cold hand was touching Jen’s, which was wrapped around Lana’s body, and she intertwined her fingers with her’s. Lana seemed to enjoy the tight embrace.

»It took her long enough, though.« She nuzzled her nose into the pillow.

Even if Deena had not apologized, Jen would not have wanted for Lana to stay mad at her. They were sisters, and Jen knew how close they were. »I get it, I mean she loves you and she wants nothing but the best for you.« 

»I know but you are what’s best for me. Since when do you smoke?«

Jen did not recognise that her clothes might have smelled a bit after being smoked on for the past hour. »I don’t. I just had a little chat with your sister.«

»She started again, didn’t she? Dammit, we wanted to quit for good. Was she rude to you?«

»No, not at all. Don’t worry, I think she’s okay with me being a part of your life.« It felt oddly good to have Deena’s blessing.

»The most important part of my life«, Lana corrected her.

As much as Jen loved when Lana said those things, it also made her incredibly anxious because she said it so often lately. Almost as if she was afraid of the day she would not be able to say it anymore. And Jen was worried as well. In fact, she had never been more worried. Since this was the second time Lana had cancer it was harder for Jen to repress the thought of the other possible outcome. But it was looking good, even the doctor had said it. She placed another kiss on the woman’s neck and tried to put in all the love she had for her.

»Jen?«

»Mhm?« Her eyelids had gotten heavier.

»Is it okay for you? Living with us, I mean«, Lana almost whispered, fully aware that Jen was aboutto drift off to sleep. 

»Of course it is.« Jen was was slowly stroking Lana’s tummy with her thumb, her hands still locked with Lana’s.

»But if my family makes you uncomfortable we can rent an apartment or stay at a hotel. I know they can be quite tough sometimes.«

»Lana, your family is precious. I’ve never felt so welcomed.« It’s true though. Jen had always been a family person but her family was not at all like Lana’s. Not better or worse, just different. The Parrillas were a little crazy but in a good way, whereas her family was more traditional and homy. 

»Promise you’ll tell me when it’s getting too much for you, okay?«

It was cute that she actually thought Jen was uncomfortable when her family was nothing but lovely towards her. »I promise.«

»I love you.« 

Her sweet tone almost made Jen melt on the spot. »I love you too. Goodnight, Baby.«

 

******

 

As usual, Lana was back on her feet after a few days of rest and as soon as that happened, Jen felt better as well. Their plans of going public were off the table again, though. Lana wanted to go through with it but it was Jen who decided not to. Not because she did not want to do it anymore, she did, but a move like that would come with lots of press and attention, things she really did not want for Lana at that point. She promised herself to do it the minute Lana was declared cured again and not to waste any more time. So Lana went to ABC upfronts on her own, Fred decided to accompany her later on as he was in New York anyway and Jen was fine with it. As long as it would help them keeping the press out of their business Jen was okay. 

 

A few days later it was the day of the premiere for Jen’s play, and she was extremely nervous because she was kind of out of practice when it came to performing on stage. She had invited Lana, her mother, and her sister to see the show, and also her own parents who of course could not make it. However, Lana’s family was happy about the tickets, and that was all that mattered. Jen would have people sitting in the audience that were important to her. Even though she was kind of uncomfortable that they would see her in lingerie but well, that was the job. 

»Buck fever?«, Lana asked adjusting the choker that was part of Jen’s costume.

»A little.« Jen absolutely loved that Lana was hanging out with her backstage before the show would start. She had introduced her to her co workers (without a title though) so Lana could see where and with whom she was working.

»You’ll nail it.« At least one of them was sure of that.

»I hope so. There are important people sitting in the audience today and I don’t wanna mess up my lines or something.« The one thing Jen valued in TV shows was that scenes could be filmed over and over again until they were perfect. Theatre on the other hand was a one take. 

»You shouldn’t worry about that, no matter what happens people are not going to stop booking youfor roles in case you mess up.«

»No I didn’t mean those kind of important people, I was talking about you and your family.« Jen was well known in the business, one messed up performance would not ruin her reputation. However, she wanted to make a good impression in front of Lana’s family.

Lana chuckled. »My family loves you, Jen. And so do I. You should watch out for your colleague though, I think he likes you a little too much.« She winked, or at least she tried.

»Matthew? Yeah, probably. He asked me out once.« It was super unexpected and Jen was glad that her rejecting him had not affected their work at all. That would have been a disaster.

»Excuse me?« Lana leaned back a bit.

»I know right.« They whole cast had gone for some drinks after the first rehearsals and when Jen and Matthew had been alone for a moment, he had asked her if he wanted to go to dinner with him alone the next day. 

»What did you say?«, she asked with a confused smile.

»I said yes of course. I also agreed on marrying him on the spot and having ten kids with him. You know, because I’m _so_ into men and I’m _totally_ single.« Jen found it funny but suddenly it occurred to her that her woman might not be that amused by what had happened.

Lana rolled her eyes.

»No, I politely declined and told him that I’m happily engaged and he apologized.«

»Why haven’t you told me?«

»Because it wasn’t important at all. You don’t really believe I would cheat on you or leave you for anyone or anything, let alone _a man_ , right?« Apparently they were still not over this. 

»Noo, but I wanna hear about your life, it’s important to me. I don’t want me or my disease to be the center of attention all the time. I want you to tell me about your day and how things are going no matter if you think they’re minor compared to the problems we have.«

That sounded reasonable. Jen was looking for a way to solve this without things getting too deep. »Okay, okay. It just seems like a waste of time to talk about dudes when we could do this instead.« Jen lifted her up a little, cuddled her and totally accidentally let her hands wander along the woman’s spine until they reached an area where she really should not touch her when they were in public.

Lana did not seem to mind, though. »I wanna kiss you but I don’t wanna ruin your lipstick.«

»Screw the lip-« Before Jen could finish the sentence Lana’s pressed her lips on her’s. Jen instinctively opened her mouth a little to feel more of Lana, and she got what she wanted. It was awesome until she heard someone clearing his throat behind her, so Jen let go of her to look around. Matthew was standing in the doorway looking slightly embarrassed.

»Sorry«, he said, »just wanted to make sure you’re ready.«

»I am, we can start«, Jen answered and she knew she should be embarrassed as well but she really was not. »You knew he was watching«, she said when Matthew left them alone again.

»Yes.« No sign of guilt in her voice. Instead she adjusted the choker again and straightened Jen’s dress.

»You’re a sneaky woman«, Jen stated. Still, she could not be mad at her.

»I know. Good luck, see you later.« Lana tabbed her lips. »You should fix that before going on stage.«

When Lana went out the door Jen touched her lips and smiled a little, in fact she was smiling so hard that it was difficult for her to focus on the character she was about to play, but she managed it somehow. And she did not mess up her lines. None of them.


	29. June 2017

They had found a routine. When Lana hat chemo they scheduled her appointments and appearances for a few days after, because she was always knocked out for a couple of days. It was good that Lana’s manager knew about her disease so they somehow managed to work around it. It rarely happened that Lana had to cancel anything, even though it got more difficult to schedule the sessions so that Lana could attend all the conventions she had planned. Except for one event in Puerto Rico she managed to go to all of them. Even to that one convention in Paris. Jen really, really wanted her to cancel that one, but again, there was no way she could talk Lana out of it. Even though Lana could not even get into the shower by herself because she was so exhausted a few days before they would fly over. They even got into a fight because of that, because Lana was frustrated that her body was failing her like that and Jen got that but still, being stubborn would not help it. But then again, after a couple of days she was back on her feet and it was always such a relief for the both of them. And again, Jen was so glad that Bex went to Paris as well. She would keep an eye on Lana.

While she was away Lana’s mom did not miss any opportunity to bond with Jen. She drove her to work herself instead of letting her take a cab and even made her lunch for when she had a long day at the theatre. One day when Jen came home she saw that Lana’s mom had waited with dinner so they could eat together. She grabbed a plate and silently sat down next to her, not really knowing what to say. It was not the first time that Lana’s mom had cooked for her. Normally she would put the food in the fridge because Jen came home super late because of the play, but this time she had waited for her.

»Thank you for the dinner«, Jen said, »it’s really good.« She could not really tell what it was, some rice dish with pigeon peas, but it was delicious.

»It’s a puerto rican recipe. I got it from my mother-in-law because Lana’s dad used to love it, and later on Lana loved it as well«, she explained smiling weakly.

»I should learn it then«, Jen said and tried to lighten the mood but it was not really working. Something was weird.

Suddenly the older woman stopped eating, put the spoon back on the plate and took Jen’s hand. »Thank you for everything you do for my daughter. You have no idea how important you are to her.«

Jen always felt super useless because there was nothing she could do to protect Lana from what she had to go through, but apparently she had done something right. Still, basically everyone seemed to think she would leave Lana in a heartbeat and seemed to be impressed that she did not. »She’s the love of my life. I would do anything for her.«

»How are _you_?«, Lana’s mother asked after a short moment of silence.

That was actually a good question. Jen’s life was so busy at the moment that she barely even had time to process. It was a rollercoaster. Whenever she was with Lana and Lana had a good day so they could forget about her disease for a while, Jen was the happiest. When Lana was laughing Jen’s heart was filled with so much joy that it basically healed all the wounds in an instant. But then, whenshe could not even get out of bed by herself after receiving treatment, Jen found herself sneaking into the bedroom from time to time and checking if Lana was still breathing. She found herself lying next to her at night, unable to sleep, and just… worrying. And sometimes, but only sometimes, she locked herself up in the bathroom to cry a little until she found the strength to remind herself that everything would be just fine and her and Lana would have a long life together. »I don’t know«, Jen replied. Suddenly she was not in the mood for eating anymore. Instead, she felt sick and her lips started to tremble. Her chest tightened and she knew there was nothing she could do about it. She was crying. The tears kept coming even thought she tried to dry them as soon as they left her eyes. And for the first time she admitted to herself that she was scared as hell. That she had never been more scared in her entire life.

Lana’s mom made her way around the table and offered Jen a hug, which she gladly accepted. Jen kept on sobbing and shivering, not really knowing what was going on with her body. It was almost as if everything she had felt and swallowed down the past months was now slowly making its way to the surface in form of tears.

»It’s okay to cry«, Lana’s mom assured her. She was still holding her, knowing that Jen could need that.

»I love her so much«, Jen sobbed, »I can’t lose her. Really, I- I can’t even think about that, I-«

»We won’t lose her, she’s not going to die.« 

»No she’s not.« Jen took a deep breath and wiped away the tears. She released herself from the embrace. Lana was in Paris and probably having a lot of fun with her friends. There was zero need to worry about stuff that would never happen. »Sorry I haven’t slept much last night.«

»You don’t have to be ashamed of your feelings, I’m always here if you need to talk to someone. You’re family«, Lana’s mom said and started to clean the table.

»Please, let me do that. I’m already not allowed to cook I could at least do the dishes«, Jen said and tried to sound funny. She really felt guilty because Lana’s mom did so much for her and there was nothing she could give back. 

Lana’s mom agreed but ended up helping so they basically did the dishes together. Lana’s mom told Jen that she would like to see them both more often while she was showing her pictures from their old family album and Jen offered her to come by anytime.

 

******

 

When Jen went to pick up Lana she immediately knew that something was wrong. Lana was not bubbly at all and when they arrived at home she headed straight to bed. Later on she admitted that her tummy hurt a lot, so Jen brought her some tea and a hot-water bag. When she put it on Lana’s stomach Lana grabbed her hand and held it for a few seconds before letting go. »I missed you«, she said with heavy eyelids. Jen had missed her as well, and she was more than glad to have her with her again. And so was Lana’s mom, who optimistically made some soup hoping Lana would eat something, which she did not because her stomach hurt too much. 

It was not helping that she had chemotherapy the next day. In fact, it made everything a million times worse. Chemotherapy was really taking its toll on Lana’s body. She was in a lot of pain basically all the time and afterwards she was so exhausted that she barely even made it to the car without a wheelchair. And Jen was suffering with her. The people around her seemed to notice that and it was difficult to stay calm because all she wanted was to be left alone. It was just a couple of bad days, everything would be fine.

 

One day Jen went grocery shopping with Lana’s mom and when they came back a man in a suit was leaving the house. Jen put some of the bags on the kitchen counter and eyed her fiancée who was sitting at the table, her hands wrapped around a cup of tea. She was definitely still sleepy, but she was awake and apparently managed to walk downstairs, which was a good sign. Yesterday Jen got her to eat some soup which apparently had made her stronger again.

»Who was that man?«, Jen asked and greeted her with a kiss. That was the first time she talked to her today. When she left Lana had still been asleep and she was convinced she would not get up today at all.

»Oh, no one. He got the wrong address.« She slowly walked over to the kitchen and leaned against the counter. »I think I’m gonna try and eat something other than soup today«, she said and smiled weakly. 

Jen got that she was trying but it also broke her heart to see that her eyes told a different story. They were glassy and looked exhausted and eyed the food they bought rather suspiciously. Jen knew she would pass out before dinner was even remotely ready, but that did not stop her from encouraging her. So she pulled her closer and gave her a kiss. »Well then you might be happy to hear that your mom is gonna teach me how to make this rice dish you like so much. Then I can make it for you when we’re back home.« There were only a few shows left and then they could go back to LA, even though Jen was a little bit worried to deal with all that without any help. While she was touching Lana’s skinny arms and hands she realized that she was super cold even though she was wearing a pullover. Jen wondered why she was not freezing. »You’re cold, do you need a blanket?«

»No, I’m good.« Lana put the back of her hand on Jen’s cheek. »You look tired.«

Jen got what Lana was implying, she had noticed it as well. Lana was not the only one who was fading, Jen was fading too. She struggled with admitting that to herself, but there was no point in denying it any longer. Whenever Jen looked in a mirror she was shocked by how pale she was and how weirdly defined her cheekbones were. »I’m fine, Baby.«

»Are you not feeling well?« She was worried. 

Lana’s eyes were so glassy and Jen could tell how much effort it costed her to keep them open at all. There was no way Jen would ever tell her how much this affected her as well. Maybe later when everything was over. »No, I’m fine, really.«

»You have to take care of yourself as long as I can’t do it, promise?« Her voice was a little raspy and it did not really sound like a demand.

»Promise«, Jen assured her and tried to smile as wide as she could to show that she really was fine when in reality she was not fine at all. A part of her felt bad that she was lying to her, but the other part knew that it was the right thing to do.

»I wanna be there for you and support you but I’m always so tired.« Lana started to play with Jen’s hair and god she loved that.

»Hey, I know, it’s okay. You’re the most supportive person I know. And we have a long life ahead of us where we can be there for each other.«

Lana did not answer. Instead she smiled weakly again and Jen ignored it and pressed her lips against her temple as she embraced her in a tight hug.

»When are we going back home?«, Lana mumbled not wanting to let go. And Jen kept holding her tight.

»Next week is my last show. Then we can go back if you want to.« Jen had to remind herself that she would not be alone with all this back in LA. Bex would be there and if the other people from the cast knew they would be there for her as well. If things got even worse Jen would convince Lana to tell at least Ginny and Josh about it.

»Yes, I wanna go home.«

It would be better for her. It was warmer there and maybe Lana’s body would start to warm up as well. Her body being that cold increased the risk of her catching a cold, which would be a disaster in her condition. »Okay.«

»I think I’m going back upstairs and sleep a little. Can you wake me up when dinner’s ready?« 

She tried to pull away but Jen grabbed her arm. »Of course, let me bring you upstairs.«

»I’m sorry.«

»Don’t apologize, it’s okay. I want you to sleep so you’ll be better soon.« The fact that Lana even felt the need to apologize for something she had absolutely no control over hurt Jen again, but she also knew that there was not much she could do about that. Lana was Lana.

 

When Jen closed the door to the bedroom door after Lana fell asleep, her body started to shiver and shake uncontrollably. Her stomach was clenching and her knees got so weak that she could not hold herself upright anymore. She lowered herself onto the floor, leaning against the closed door. And then she started crying. Silently at first, but soon she was crying so hard that everyone in this house could hear her. Everyone but Lana of course, as she was dead asleep. 

Deena came rushing upstairs, apparently she had come over as well. »Jen?? What happened?«, she asked, trying to help her up but Jen was fighting her helping hands.

She just wanted to be left alone and she had absolutely no strength to get up right now. Deena sat down next to her and tried to comfort her without actually knowing how. »Is Lana okay?«, she asked and Jen only managed to nod.

»I think she h-has given up«, Jen sobbed and as soon as she said the words out loud she felt another amount of tears making there way into her eyes and down her cheeks. 

»What do you mean?«, Deena asked worriedly.

»There was a lawyer or something who visited her today. She didn’t wanna tell me who it was but I think it was a lawyer because he looked like one and I- I don’t want her to think about death, like… she must be so afraid but she doesn’t show and I can’t help her and-« There was nothing that could have stopped Jen from having a total breakdown. She was a mess. She had been a mess for a while now, on the inside at least, but now there was no way she could hide it from the outside world any longer.

Deena wrapped her arms around the blonde woman. She seemed relieved that this was not new information to her. »I know who that was. She told me.«

»Who?« Jen sat herself up and wiped away the tears to see more clearly.

»It was indeed a lawyer because she wants to get a divorce as soon as possible. She said she doesn't wanna spend the rest of her life being married to the wrong person.« Deena nodded at Jen, showing that she agreed with Lana’s actions.

»The rest of her life, god, she’s not dying. She’s not dying. She’s not gonna die.« Jen wished everyone would stop thinking that because she knew everyone was thinking that because even herself was thinking that but she really did not want to because it was ridiculous because life without Lana was unimaginable.

Deena looked at her and Jen could tell that she was in pain because she could not say the words out loud either. 

»She can’t die, I’m nothing without her.« Now Jen was weeping bitterly again. Her eyes were burning and her face was super red.

»It’s just a precaution, you know. Because of heritage and stuff like that just _in case_ she dies. She just wants to make sure that everything’s safe.« Deena said silently and somehow her voice managed to calm Jen down at least a little bit.

»Oh god I don’t want her to think about all that. H-How can I help her?« She really had no idea what she was supposed to do. 

»You’re already doing everything you can. Lana has hope, she believes that she’ll get better, but she also wanna be prepared for the other possible outcome. That’s reasonable, don’t you think?«

Jen nodded because of course Deena was right. »I just wish she would’ve talked to me about it. I could’ve handled it.«

»Really?«

»Yes. For her.« With Lana’s eyes looking for support and a shoulder to cry own Jen would have kept it together.

»Well, now you know. You should talk to her tomorrow.«

Yes, she would have a conversation about death with her girlfriend tomorrow, so there was room for positive thoughts only afterwards.

Jen did not wake Lana for dinner as she was sleeping so peacefully. She put some of the food in the fridge in case Lana got hungry later. She did not.

 

******

 

The next day was super chaotic at the theatre. Lana was asleep as usual when Jen left and she hoped to get to talk to her after work. Two of the actors were sick and they had to call in their back ups quite last minute. Jen felt insecure because she could not really concentrate and it showed as she messed up her lines, which was not that big of a deal as everyone was quite good at improv. However, Matthew stopped by her changing room asking her if everything was fine between her and her _girlfriend_. Jen could not really tell if he was serious or if he was mocking her so she kept quiet and hoped he would leave again. Also, this day she was so unlucky that she did not even catch a cab for her way home, so she had to take the subway. New York was such a busy town and she could not wait to be back home. She got off at the nearest station and walked along the street to the house, when red and blue lights caught her attention. Her heart stopped for a minute and she ended up running the last few meters because the ambulance was standing right in front of the house where Lana’s family was living in. She was more awake than ever, panic and adrenaline was rushing through her blood. 

Deena was walking towards her, holding her arms before Jen could reach the ambulance. »What happened?«, Jen asked, her mouth dry.

»We tried to call you but you didn’t pick up and-«

»Let me see her!!!!«, Jen screamed.

»You don’t wanna see this, believe me, it’s bad, she started vomiting blood-«

»I don’t fucking care, I wanna see. her. Let. me. see. her!!!« Jen screamed even louder and eventually Deena let go of her arm, so she rushed towards the ambulance and teared open the doors right before they started the engine. Lana was laying on the ambulance cot, holding a soaking wet, red tissue against her nose that was bleeding uncontrollably. Her mother was sitting next to her, making room for Jen when she entered the vehicle.

»Excuse me, Miss-«, one of the paramedics looked like he was about to kick her out.

»That’s my fiancée, please let me stay«, she blubbered without caring how crowded the ambulance was.

Lana’s mom nodded, so the paramedics had to give in. »Sit down, please.«

Jen did as she was told. »Heeey Baby, what happened??«, she said and grabbed Lana’s free hand as the vehicle started moving.

»I wasn’t feeling well«, Lana mumbled underneath the tissue. 

»Is it your tummy? Are you in pain?« There was no need for Jen to ask, though. She could tell by looking at her face and her panicky eyes.

Lana nodded. »And my nose started bleeding suddenly.«

Jen placed a hand on Lana’s stomach and started stroking it gently with her thumb. Not that this was helping, but she had to do something. Anything. »It’s okay, they’ll make you all better at the hospital.« Her voice was shaking and she tried so hard to believe what she was saying.

»I don’t wanna stay there.« She sounded desperate, scared to death. Not something Jen experienced every day.

»If you have to stay there I’ll stay there with you. You’re not alone. I won’t leave your side.«

It did not take long until Lana started to vomit again and the amount of blood was almost too much for Jen to handle. Lana was small and tiny and Jen was sure there was not that much blood left to keep her body going.


	30. July 2017

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So this is the last chapter. Thank you all so much for reading and for the nice comments! Now trust in me, one last time :) haha x

Yes, Lana had to stay. They made tests, lots of them, only to confront them with more bad news no one had seen coming. It was like Jen was drowning. Until now she had managed to keep at least her head above water. But now it was like someone was trying pull her down until her lungs would fill up with water and she would be suffocating to death. The only thing that kept her swimming and trying to reach the surface again was her light, her Lana. No matter the circumstances, this light was shining brighter than ever.

The tumor had spread, and now there was another one in her abdomen. There was no way they would get Lana discharged anytime soon. They said surgery was not an option at this point, only as a last resort, and that it was not looking good. And everyone was dealing differently with the new situation. Lana’s mom was basically telling Lana everything about alternative medicine and about how she could heal herself if she believed, so she basically used her exhaustion as an excuse to make her mom leave more than once. Deena was complaining about the doctors and about how they did not even know what they were doing, but she could not stop by that often anyways because of the children. She brought them with her once or twice, as well as the rest of the family, which was quite nice and refreshing, but also exhausting for Lana. And Jen, Jen was silent most of the time, trying to forget about the machines and the tube in Lana’s arm. She watched her sleep and made sure that she never woke up without her by her side. It happened one time, because Deena had talked Jen into leaving the hospital for a few hours so she would not go insane. Jen had no idea what she was supposed to do so she had gone boxing, and she had hit the punchbag so hard that one of the trainers had stopped her from hurting herself. She had screamed at him then, which was super unusual for her, but she did not know how to hold back the rage she had felt. When she had come back Lana was awake, and the look in her eyes had told Jen that she had thought she had left her. Since then Jen had spent every night at the hospital. The chair was uncomfortable to sleep in, but the bed at home without Lana was far more uncomfortable. 

»Talk to me«, Lana said one evening when they were alone and the room was golden from the sunlight that was shining through the windows. »Please.«

Jen was playing lazily with Lana’s fingers, her head was resting on her knee. There were a million thoughts that were running through her head, but none of them were appropriate to be said out loud. 

»You’re hurting. You’re scared. You’ve been feeling like this for a while now but you never told me because you thought I wouldn’t notice. You thought you had to pretend to be strong in order to make me feel better. Am I close?«

There were two options here. Either Jen would leave the room immediately, or she would finally do what she had been trying to avoid all the time. She crawled onto the hospital bed, removed the blanket and placed her head on Lana’s tummy. She was immediately held tightly by the brunette woman, while Jen’s hands were holding onto the fabric of Lana’s hospital gown. In that moment she felt more weak and vulnerable than ever, but also safe because she was laying in the arms of the woman she loved, her favorite place. At first Jen felt terrible when her tears flowed freely. She felt terrible because she knew she was not in the position to cry. It was Lana who was sick, and she needed support, not someone who made the situation even worse. But when she felt Lana’s hand caressing her, she got a warm and fuzzy feeling all over her body. She removed the hospital gown just enough so she could place a kiss on Lana’s tummy and feel her warm skin against her cheek.

»There’s nothing that scares me more than the thought of having to live without you.« In fact she had no idea if she was even able to.

»If it comes to that I know you will find a way. You’re so strong and I will always be with you.«

»It won’t come to that, right?« That was not a thought Jen could have accepted yet. Lana was not terminal.

»Right.«

Jen was glad she was not seeing her face right now. »Please tell me you won’t give up.«

»I won’t give up.«Her hands wandered to her neck and Jen got goosebumps all over her body. »But Jen?«

»Yes?«

»I really wanna go home. I don’t wanna spend my birthday here.«

Jen knew that she did not mean the house in Brooklyn. »I will try everything I can to get you out.«

»Thank you. Thank you for everything that you’ve done for me. I’ve never met someone like you. You always make me feel like I’m someone special.«

»But you are special. And you’ll pay me back with lots of dirty sex when we’re in France.« She needed Lana to have something to look forward to, to remind her that there was a life after she beat cancer.

Lana chuckled and Jen could feel her body vibrating as her head was still resting on her tummy. She looked up to her and saw a smile, a real one. Her heart fluttered. 

»Marry me«, Jen said and was fully aware of the fact that she was looking at her with dreamy eyes. She just adored her so much.

»We already _are_ engaged«, Lana said still smiling radiantly and held up her hand with the ring on her finger.

»My greatest accomplishment.« Nothing compared to the feeling she got in her belly when she thought about calling Lana her wife some day.

»Shut up«, Lana said jokingly and threw the blanket at her fiancée.

Jen freed herself quickly and placed another kiss on Lana’s belly before getting out of bed as the doctors were approaching the room.

 

******

 

It was like a miracle, but one day Lana really started to feel better. Way better actually. Good enough for the doctors to consider transferring her to a hospital in Los Angeles. Home. She was feeling so well that they even discharged her for one day, her birthday, and Jen and Lana’s mom organized a celebration for her with all her friends and family at a beach house in Malibu. The doctors warned them, though. They said it was quite common that patients got better before they got even worse, but Jen was not listening. All that mattered was that Lana felt good, genuinely good. She was glowing the whole day and Jen took a million pictures of her in her birthday outfit opening presents and spending time with her friends and family. She had not used her camera in months. Bex and her husband came over as well to spend some time with Lana, and even Fred stopped by for an hour or so to check up on how things were going. Even though they were not together anymore, Fred cared about her and Jen did not blame him. They had spent a period of their lives together, so it was more than justified that he wanted to know how she was doing. 

Later this evening Jen and Lana were subtly looking for each other’s touch. Jen was randomly hugging her from behind and Lana used every chance she got to either hold her hand or raise herself on tiptoes to kiss her briefly. Jen craved some intimacy and alone time with her, and she was glad that Lana was feeling the same way. So she grabbed two blankets and a bottle of non-alcoholic wine and guided Lana to the empty beach. It was too late for tourists to hang out there as the only source of light was the moon.

Jen placed the blanket on the ground and wrapped the other one around Lana’s body, because she did not want to risk her getting a cold. »C’mere«, she said and indicated her to come sit in her arms. It was absolutely silent. Peaceful. The only noise came from the crashing waves.

»What if we met in another time? Earlier, let’s say when we were eighteen«, Lana said out of the blue.

»Well, I don’t know if I could’ve handled you turning my world upside down back then.« Eighteen year old, religious Jennifer would have tried to pray the woman away, probably. She would have wished for Lana to get out of her life.

»So you think you could’ve resisted me and my hot Latina body?«

Jen had seen pictures of eighteen year old Lana and there was no way she could have avoided falling for her. »Never. I would’ve fallen in love with you just like I did twenty years later.«

»Do you think we would still be together?«

»Of course. We belong together.« There was no doubt that they would have made it back then as well as they were making it now.

»I think I’ve never loved someone as much as I love you, Jen. I’m so glad we found each other.«

At first Jen struggled to find words. She loved hearing that. »Me too. I’m grateful for everything that happened in my life, even the shitty stuff, because it led me to you. Wouldn’t change a thing.«

Lana sat up so she could look Jen in the eyes and finally kiss her properly, now that they were alone. Feeling Lana’s hand on her cheek and her lips on her mouth instantly silenced all the scary thoughts Jen had over the past month and put her heart back together that was shattered to pieces because of all the bad diagnosis and the amount of time she had to watch Lana being in pain.

»Did you have a good day today?«, Jen asked even though she already knew the answer.

»Today was amazing. Thank you for getting me out.«

It was actually Lana’s condition that got her out of the hospital. »But you know what I still haven’t heard enough today?«

»No, what?«

»This«, Jen said and started tickling the woman until she was laying on her back laughing wholeheartedly. Jen was hovering above her, kissing her again. She then bopped her nose and offered her a hand to pull her up before removing the sand from her hair. »We don’t want anyone to think that we had sex on the beach, right?«

»We would _never_ «, Lana said and winked, with both eyes of course. 

Jen giggled and shook her head. She would have loved to stay a little longer but they had guests waiting for them.

 

******

 

They had checked Lana into the hospital past midnight, even though Jen asked them if she could take her home for one night as she was feeling well. Apparently this was not possible, so Lana changed back into her hospital gown and the nurse gave her the familiar injection. She was well. 

When Lana woke up the next day Jen could immediately tell that this day would be different. She looked pale and refused breakfast. Instead she asked for some pain medication. She was sleepy. By afternoon she had to ask Jen for help when she wanted to walk over to the bathroom. She then slept until her sister and mother came to visit, as they were staying in LA for a little while longer. Jen had called them because she had panicked. She left the room to give them some alone time with her. When she was making her way to get some coffee she met Bex who was apparently on her way to visit her as well. Jen had texted her that Lana was not feeling well.

»Hey, I came as fast as I could. What happened?« Bex was not wearing any makeup and her hair was tied back in a messy bun.

»I- I don’t know she was feeling so well yesterday but today… today it’s like worse than ever. I’m really trying to keep it together but she just keeps getting worse and worse and I don’t know what to do anymore.« Jen tried not to sound as desperate as she actually was. This was too much for her. She loved Lana too much for this.

»It was probably a little too exhausting yesterday but I’m sure she’ll feel better tomorrow. Is she awake?« Bex was trying to comfort her but touching her shoulders.

»Barely, but yes. Her family is with her.«

»Okay, then let’s go get some coffee. Don’t worry, Jen, she’s not alone and you’re not alone.«

»What if she’s gonna die today?«, Jen asked, her face frozen and numb.

»She’s not gonna die today, she’s still receiving treatment. They haven’t declared the cancer terminal, there’s no need to panic, okay?«

When Jen and Bex came back into the room, one of the doctors was there and told them that they were considering surgery if she did not get better by tomorrow. Treatment clearly was not working. Jen was confused because they once said surgery was the last resort. It could not happen that fast. She was definitely not ready to let Lana go knowing she would probably not see her ever again.

This night Jen was not sleeping at all. She sat by Lana’s side and did not let go of her hand, even though the brunette woman was already asleep. Bex stayed with her and brought her a sandwich or some water from time to time. Lana’s mom and Deena left around 3am when the nurse said Lana’s pulse had gotten a little stronger, which was a good sign. They promised to come back the next day, after they had slept a little. Deena had to make some phone calls to make sure someone was taking care of the children as she was staying longer and her husband had to go to work.

 

******

 

For the following days they were working in shifts. There was always someone with Lana. Jen was there most of the time, but Bex managed to convince her to go home from time to time in order to sleep in an actual bed for a few hours. Lana got better, but she also got worse. On some days Lana was fully herself and Jen could have actual conversations with her, but on other days she was drifting away again after opening her eyes for a few minutes. At least the doctors were not talking about surgery again, which meant they were still counting on the treatment.

»Hey beautiful, how are you doing?« Jen asked and placed a kiss on Lana’s forehead. She looked paler than when she left for a quick shower because Lana was still asleep, but Jen was not sure if that was just her anxiety talking. She caressed her girlfriend’s soft face and tried to smile but her acting skills failed once more. Of course Lana noticed the worried look on her face she desperately tried to hide.

»I know I look like shit«, Lana said sleepily, eyes half closed.

Jen knew immediately that she was having a good day. She shook her head. Yes, Lana was pale and bony but that did not stop her from being stunning as always. »You’re beautiful and you will always be beautiful, no matter what«, she whispered looking her deep in the eyes because they could not lie. 

»Stop«, Lana said pulling up the blanket to cover up her face.

»What? It’s the truth«, Jen said trying to uncover her face. She succeeded and gave her a little peck on the cheek before leaning back in the chair just to study her girlfriend’s face like she did way too often. She just could not get enough and she was aware of the fact that she should cherish moments like this. The tubes and the scrubs reminded her that their time might be limited.

»Something’s up. Tell me, what is it?« Lana asked and grabbed Jen’s hand. She slurred a little, but she was conscious and awake and that was all Jen could have asked for.

She sat down on the bed next to her and laid the back of Lana’s hand on her lips. She was not sure about telling her because it just felt wrong to even think about something like that when her girlfriend was in the hospital fighting a deadly disease. The only way she could do this was with her. 

»It’s nothing, really.«

»Jennifer.« The brunette woman rose an eyebrow and starred Jen down so she knew this secret would not be one for any longer.

»Uhm, I got a call from my manager yesterday. Ellen wants me on her show to talk about LGBT+ representation. But I already told them I’m kinda busy.« She did not know for sure why they had chosen her, but probably because of the rumors of her being a lesbian.

»That’s amazing! Jen, you have to do it!! You could help so many people by speaking up for the LGBT+ community. I would do is as well if I got the chance.« 

It was not the talkshow part that scared Jen. She was friends with Ellen. It was what they expected. They wanted her to come out to the world, which would draw attention to her and her relationship, and the press would not leave them alone. Also, she was super concerned about what she would miss. It would be at least one day where she could not be by Lana’s side. A lot could happen in one day. What if her condition got worse and Jen was not there for her? She would never be able to forgive herself. »No it’s okay, I mean, public speaking isn’t really my thing anyway.« Jen made herself comfortable and rested her head on Lana’s chest to listen to her heartbeat. Lana immediately started to run a hand through her hair and Jen got chills all over her body. She loved that Lana still had this effect on her even though they had been together for quite some time now.

»What are you talking about? You do it all the time! You’re great at press.« 

Jen had no doubt that Lana would give hell of a speech just like she did back then. »Yeah because I have to.« The best part of the job was the acting, not doing the press and stuff. Never had been.

»You could give so many young kids the strength and courage to be comfortable with who they are. Remember how scary it was for you when you found out you’re not straight? Don’t you think it would’ve been easier for you if you had someone to look up to?«

»But there are already plenty of celebrities who came out and speak up for gay kids. They don’t need another one.«

»There can’t be enough! You know that.«

Deep down Jen knew Lana was right but she was not willing to pay the price of leaving her alone, even if it was just for one day.

»What’s the real reason you don’t wanna do it?«

Jen tightened her grip around Lana’s body and hoped she did not have to say it out loud.

»Is it because of me?«

»What if something happens while I’m away, I’m-« It was impossible to finish the sentence. Jen could not stop the tears from falling. She tried to dry them on Lana’s scrubs. There was no need to say anything further. 

Lana stroke Jen’s head and placed some kisses on it until she calmed down a bit. »I’m fine and I’ll watch it on TV. Nothing’s gonna happen. You don’t have to worry about me«, she said softly. 

»How can you be so sure?« Lana’s condition was a rollercoaster. No one could have known for sure what would happen the next day or even in a few hours.

»Because I feel good, actually. I’m sure I’ll be just fine. We could ask the doctors if that would make you feel better?«, Lana suggested because apparently she really wanted Jen to do this.

»It would.«

»Let’s ask them when they’re making their rounds. Everything is going to be okay.« Lana placed another kiss on Jen’s head. 

Jen was crouching like a baby and she hated herself so much for that. It was her turn to be the strong one. In this situation she should be the one to support Lana, not vice versa. And she really tried to keep herself together but it was so hard when her love was lying in bed all helpless and sick and scared. It was not fair. None of this was fair.

»I love you so much«, Jen murmured. When she had actual conversations with Lana, when she was awake and fully conscious, Jen had so much hope. And hope was dangerous.

»I love you too«, Lana said in the softest tone.

 

******

 

The doctors had said Lana’s heart rate looked good and her pulse was strong, so Jen decided to do the appearance on Ellen’s show. She left Lana in the evening, because Lana wanted her to be well rested andapparently the naps Jen took in the hospital chair did not count. Lana assured her once more that she was feeling good, and that she was very proud of Jen for doing this. Jen did it partly for Lana, partly for the LGBT+ youth because yes, the more people came out the more normal being gay would become.

Jen had shown Lana the dresses her stylist had picked out for her and they had made the final decision together. She was wearing an airy beige dress, very Jennifer, with a pretty necklace and of course the engagement ring on her finger. In case someone would ask her about it Jen would just say that she was engaged but not with whom, because that was something they wanted to tell the world together. 

»Hey Jennifer, it’s so great to see you again«, Ellen said and greeted Jen with a hug backstage. It was nice that she came around before the show.

»Thank you for having me«, Jen replied. She started to get a little nervous because well, she would publicly come out to the world today.

»I’m very happy it worked out at short notice. I wanted to quickly talk to you about what will happen on the show today, is that okay?«

»Of course.« She preferred when hosts talked to her instead of surprising her with questions in front of the camera.

»So we wanted you to talk about your personal experience with the LGBT+ community because I know you have a lot of queer fans, right?«

»Yeah, uh, actually there’s something I need to talk to you about as well. Would it be, like, okay if I came out on your show today? I think it could, I don’t know, give people hope or something?« Suddenly this sounded weird to her, but also right.

»Well of course! That would be great!« She looked definitely surprised, but not that surprised. She had probably sensed that a long time ago.

»Uh, hold on I have to take this«, Jen said as her phone rang all of a sudden and Jen saw Bex’s name on the screen. She could hardly hear what she was saying as she was talking really fast and there was some noise in the background, but she understood what she was implying. She put down the phone with shaky hands. »I-I n-need to go. M-my fiancée is dying.« Jen felt like she would be collapsing any minute, but the adrenaline prevented her from that.

Ellen seemed to be shocked as well. »Take my driver.«

 

Jen was taking short breaths that sounded like she was hyperventilating when she arrived at the hospital. Bex was waiting for her in front of Lana’s room, everyone was there. Lana’s mom straight up hugged her when she entered the room, but Jen’s eyes were glued to Lana only. She was layingin her bed in semi-fetal position, the monitor indicated that her heart was beating rather slowly. When Jen came closer she heard that Lana had trouble breathing, she was rattling.

»This is too soon. This happened to fast. She was fine«, Jen whispered, more to herself than to anyone else in the room.

»The doctors said she won’t make it through the night«, Deena said. She was sobbing and holding a tissue in front of her face with the one hand, and her sister’s hand with the other.

»She was fine«, Jen whispered again and she was staring at the half-asleep human that was struggling for air in front of her.

»Look who’s here«, Deena said and tried to wake her up. It worked. 

Lana raised her head and smiled weakly when she saw Jen. »H-hey«, she said or rather breathed because it was barely audible.

»We should give them a moment«, Bex said and guided Lana’s mom and Deena out of the room. At first Deena hesitated, but then she followed her mother and Bex, indicating that she would be back soon.

Jen was just standing in the room, frozen to the spot. Only when Lana’s sleepy eyes were looking at her again she knew what to do. She laid down next to her, moving Lana’s body a little so she was laying in her arms. Jen pressed a kiss on top of her head, holding her close. Lana seemed to like it as she nuzzled into it.

»I think this is it. I think this is h-how our story ends«, Lana said slowly, swallowing between the words.

»Our story will never end. We’re eternal.« Jen held her even closer, hugging her, trying to make her feel as safe as possible, crying over her own words. »You can’t die, you understand? You can do this, you just have to fight, I know you can do this, please, please fight. We’re not married yet. We haven’t spent the rest of our lives together.«

»What are we going to wear? F-for our wedding, I mean.« With every word it got more difficult to breathe.

»What about suits?« Jen tried to really listen to her voice because she wanted to keep in her mind forever.

Lana chuckled and coughed a little. »I would look like Regina M-Mills. We should keep her in our bedroom.«

»You’re right. Absolutely right.« Jen placed another kiss on top of the other woman’s head. She searched for Lana’s hand that was lying on Jen’s chest and squeezed it. Lana squeezed back, way weaker, but still.

»You would look hot in a suit. But I would also m-marry my Princess in a dress.«

This was too much. Jen needed a few seconds because she did not want Lana to hear that she was crying. She was probably really, really scared right now and Jen wanted her to feel safe because she would be with her the whole time. »Well then we’re wearing dresses?«

»Oh-kay.«

»You’re going to look gorgeous. What about the location? Are we preparing vows?« She needed to keep Lana talking so she would not pass out. She needed her to stay with her as long as possible.

»I’ve already prepared m-mine. It’s in the drawer.« She nodded a little to indicate that by drawer she meant the little desk besides her bed. »I want you to read it later, oh-kay?«

»Okay.« Jen was slowly massaging Lana’s hand.

»You have to promise m-me. I want you to know.«

»I promise, Baby, I promise. Just stay with me, please. I need you and I love you so much-« Now she was hugging Lana so tightly as if someone was about to steal her away from her.

»I told you I will always be with you. I love y-you.« Lana squeezed Jen’s hand again, more like three fingers. »See you later.« It took her a while to get the words together but Jen gave her all the time she needed.

»No, please don’t say goodbye, please don’t leave me-« Now Jen was full on panicking, realizing that she would never hear Lana talk again, or smell her scent, or feel her touch. This was it. 

Lana’s breathing became shallow and quiet, until she let out an audible sound of relief. Jen started to cry out as the heart monitor showed a flat line with a horrible and monotonous beeping sound. Nurses and a doctor came rushing into the room, pulling Jen away from Lana’s body which resulted in her crying some more because there was just so much pain in her chest and she could not get rid of it. With trained movements they flattened the bed and turned Lana on her back so they could start CPR. Jen had not even noticed that Bex was hugging her, she was petrified. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion and the voices sounded far, far away. At some point she heard a female voice saying »We have a heartbeat«, and a male voice saying something about »intubate«. Another male voice almost shouted »Prepare OR three, we operate _now«._ They started moving the bed and Jen held onto it for dear life, running with them until one of the nurses painfully removed her hand and said something to her she did not quite hear because she was still in shock. She only realized that they were taking Lana away from her when Bex held her back and she was not able to run after them. Jen could feel her throat burning because she was yelling at Bex and at the nurses and doctors who took Lana away and who would not let her be by her side. She could not hear her own voice properly either, only far away. Every limp of her body was just numb. And suddenly she could not see the bed anymore because they had passed the doors to the OR room.

 

******

Several months later…

 

»Who wants to go for a walk later? Who’s a good girl?«, Jen said kneeling down on the living room floor giving cuddles to Lola at first, but then Ava joined them and waggled her tail in excitement. »But at first Mommy has to finish cleaning.« Jen got up again and started to put the books back where they belonged. Now that she was not that busy with work anymore, she decided to do the cleaning by herself. It made her feel more normal and down to earth, like the person she was deep down. The terrace door was open, so the dogs could run around outside and go for a swim if they wanted to. She still loved that house and knew that this was the place where she wanted to grow old.

She was not paying attention to the books she was putting into the shelf, so she was surprised when an envelope slipped out of the photo album she was holding in her hands. Without hesitation, she picked it up and opened it as she was a little confused about what that was. When she looked inside and discovered what was in it, she smiled a little, grabbed the book and the envelop and went outside. She sat down on the garden chair and took a deep breath before unfolding the piece of paper.

 

_My dear Jennifer,_

_You know I only call you Jennifer when I’m either mad at you or when you do something that surprises me, like you do now by marrying me. I’d never thought I’d have this even though I wanted it since the day I first looked into your eyes. I thought, when you took my hand for the first time, that it was the best day of my life. I didn’t know that there would be lots of best days ahead. I will never forget how it felt like when you asked me out, when your lips touched mine for the first time, or when you told me that you love me. Or when you never left my side while I was going through the toughest time of my life. Ask me when I’m 80 years old and I’m sure I can tell you all the stories and every little detail. I just can’t see myself ever forgetting how happy you make me, each and every day. I want to raise dogs with you, and yes, one day maybe even children. You’re my family, my safe haven. You’re the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with._

_So today I promise to be both the Princess to your Prince and the Prince to your Princess. I promise to tell you how much I love you everyday until you get annoyed. I promise to protect you and to fight for you no matter what. I promise to be stubborn only once a month. I promise to always try my very best to make you as happy as I am and to be the wife you deserve. I promise you to be your shoulder to cry on, the helping hand whenever you need it, and your home when you feel lost, until we say »see you later« for the last time._

_We met through a fairytale and you’re my happy ending._

_I love you._

 

Jen’s smile grew sad when she remember the circumstances under which Lana had written these words, her wedding vows, for her. Her heart was still spasming painfully when the imagines ran through her head. She remembered that she still had to arrange some photos, because right now they were just stuck loosely in the album. As Jen was looking through the pages, arms flung around her from behind, dark brown hair tickling Jen’s neck and soft lips kissing her cheek.

»We look pretty good together don’t you think?«, Lana said and picked up the photo that was taken on their wedding day. It showed both of them in floor length, simple white dresses. Jen decided to go with a pinned-up hairstyle, whereas Lana’s hair was curly. It had been a small wedding, only their closest friends came over and some of their family members. Lana had only invited her mother and sister, because she had not wanted for Jen to feel bad. Her mother had immediately refused to come,and her dad had cancelled a few days before the wedding was supposed to take place. Jen’s brotherhad stepped in and had walked her down the aisle and her sister had been sitting in the audience trying not to shed a tear when they exchanged their vows.

»Definitely.« In fact, Jen was convinced that she had married the most beautiful woman on earth. Her wife would always be the prettiest of them all for her. She was so proud whenever she got the chance to actually call her her _wife_.

»It was the happiest day of my life«, Lana said and was hovering above Jen’s ear like she was trying to seduce her. She then put back the picture, next to the ones that were taken on their honeymoon in Paris.

»It was awesome, but I liked the day you came back to me even more.« Jen would never forget the hours she had spent waiting and praying in front of the OR after Lana had basically died in her arms. When the doctors had told them the news that they had gotten the tumor, and when Lana had woken up several hours later, Jen had to sit down for a few minutes because her knees had given in. She had never felt this kind of relief. It was like she had been buried under a truck and someone had finally lifted the damn thing. Lana had been cancer-free since then.

»I love you«, Lana said and sat down on Jen’s lap.

Jen was happy that she still got that familiar feeling in her chest when her wife said stuff like that. »I love you too, Sunshine.«

 

The End


End file.
